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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27471016">Never Wanted to Dance</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cold_Death_Of_The_Universe/pseuds/Cold_Death_Of_The_Universe'>Cold_Death_Of_The_Universe</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, BFF Regulus, Eventual Smut, First Kiss, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, M/M, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), OC is in slytherin, Period-Typical Homophobia, Pining, Romance, Wizarding Wars (Harry Potter), also i hate snape, gay angst, light edition, long chapters, many OCs - Freeform, mild use of alcohol, possible warnings for each chapter at the beginning, snape is not talked about nicely in this story</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-03-09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:00:19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>102,334</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27471016</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cold_Death_Of_The_Universe/pseuds/Cold_Death_Of_The_Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>The year is 1977, and Liam Alistair starts his seventh and final year in Hogwarts. It could have been such a nice and normal year, playing quidditch and studying for his N.E.W.T.s, if it wasn't for the impending war, which has intensified more and more in the past few years. The ideal time, of course, to fall head over heels for a certain shy Gryffindor.<br/>---</p><p>A sweet romance full of fluff, angst, friends, quidditch and study sessions.<br/>Some drama, war, and sadness, but a guaranteed happy ending!</p><p>______<br/>*** I am half way through editing the new chapter, which I hope will be up by the end of the week! So sorry for the delay! - 05/05/21</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Lucius Malfoy/Narcissa Black Malfoy, OMC &amp; Regulus Black, OMC / Remus Lupin, Regulus Black / OFC, Remus Lupin/Original Male Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>43</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Last first school days.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hello! A few words before we begin:</p><p>This story was initially written about 10 years ago, when I was 15, and was written in German. I am still kind of fond of it, so I started to translate it, but also to re-write it. Now, after being re-written two times, and around three times as long, it is a totally different story. Still, I kept certain things in, that I put in as a teenager, for example people who are not the same age in canon just being the same age in this story, or the celestial ball just being a yearly event, etc. I also kept the original chapters of this story, so some chapters may be very long, if I re-written a lot, or included new scenes. </p><p>There will be eventual smut, although this part is still being translated. </p><p>Also, as you've seen in the tags, as this plays in the Marauder era, which is in the 70ies, there will be slight homophobia, but it will only be a light-edition. Still, if you are uncomfortable with this, don't read on.<br/>If there will be any material in any chapter that could be triggering, I will mention it in the notes, but in general, no warnings apply.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>With clenched teeth and a groan I heaved my large, slightly too heavy suitcase onto the train in front of me, trying to ignore the painful strain its weight put on my muscles. As every year, I was wondering, why they still had not found a way to just do this magically, as sadly most of the students were not allowed to use magic before arriving at school.</p><p>I pushed my hair out of my face, as I climbed the few stairs onto the train myself, before pulling my trunk behind me through the narrow corridor of the wagon, glancing into every compartment I passed. On my way I met a few people I knew, exchanged some pleasantries and had a short conversation with a Ravenclaw girl from my year called Miriam, who had been my study buddy since my first year, and excitedly shared the latest quidditch reports with some others. Still, I walked on, searching for a specific compartment, the one hopefully containing my best friend, Regulus Black. </p><p>Regulus was always way too early, his parents accompanying him to the platform around half an hour before the train would depart, mostly so they did not have to mingle with the ‘common folk and mudbloods’. He would then choose a compartment in the very back of the Hogwarts express, where no one would walk by and ask him if the seats next to him were taken.</p><p>Regulus was just as myself, a Slytherin. Contrary to me though, he had suffered through a very conservative upbringing, by an old, influential and very racist family, who famed themselves of being part of the Sacred Twenty-Eight. Because of that, he was often accused of being an arrogant racist, just like them, with nothing but the dark arts on his mind. I knew, that those were nothing more than rumours the Gryffindors spurt around, after the many public falling outs between Regulus and his brother Sirius.</p><p>While it was true that, yes, indeed he used to think like that, ever since he had taken a seat next to me in the great hall after just arriving in Hogwarts for the first time in his very first year, he had started to change, and we became fast friends.<br/>His views were born out of ignorance, misinformation and his strict upbringing, but it had not been hard to show him the truth in many matters, and make him realise that this pureblood nonsense was just that – nonsense. </p><p>By now I was quite good at looking past his Black-ish façade, which he often put up to hide the insecure boy he was, with a lot of self-esteem issues which stemmed from being the second born son of his family, wanting nothing more than to gain the acknowledgement and pride of his parents. Sadly they had, despite of in my opinion being horrible people, a great deal of influence on him. Seeing how they treated his rebellious brother, it was understandable though that he did not want to get on their bad side. Being close friends with a ‘half-blood nobody’ like me, was rebellious enough.</p><p>Ultimately, I found my best friend, where I expected him, in a compartment almost at the very end of the train, as usually sitting on his own right at the window, probably watching the people walking by on the platform. I opened the door with my free hand and went inside, causing Regulus to look up to me with a broad grin.</p><p>“So, we meet again!” He said jokingly, referencing this silly line I said on the second day we knew each other, when we once again ended up sitting next to each other in the great hall, which had since then become some sort of insider joke for us. I rolled my eyes, as I heaved my heavy suitcase up and into the luggage rack above our heads, before I turned back to him.</p><p>“So, it seems.” I answered, citing Regulus this time, as I pushed my almost black curls out of my face, which had annoyingly fallen into my eyes, before I stretched my arms out towards my best friend to pull him into a tight hug.</p><p>We sat down opposite of each other, with me promptly taking off my run-down shoes to pull my feet up.</p><p>“What’s the craic? How were your holidays? You wrote even less than usually, if that is even possible!” I started, mustering the other one. To be fair, Reg never wrote many letters, as using family owls always required the approval from his mother, who always wanted to know whom he was writing, and who did not approve of him being friends with someone who was not fully ‘pureblooded’. But this summer I had only gotten one, right at the start of July.</p><p>“Same old, same old..” he sighed and bit his lower lip, causing me to think that that was not quite true. I raised my eyebrow in disbelieve, and Regulus sighed again. “Well, not entirely. Sirius ran away, so maybe not same old.”</p><p>“What? Seriously?” I now raised the other eyebrow. I knew his brother was not on the best terms with the rest of the family, but running away… from the famous house Black? Now that was a scandal, even if not as much as one of Regulus’ cousins running away with a muggle. Still, bad enough.</p><p>The boy opposite me nodded, scratching his nose. <br/>“Yes.. and I don’t think he’ll come back. I mean, he shouted all of us down, called my mother all kinds of names I dare not repeat.. my father almost cast an unforgivable on him, so.. yes. He took all his things and disappeared in the middle of the night.. well, all his things apart from everything he’s hexed onto his walls with a permanent sticking charm.” Regulus shrugged. “I mean, he’s seventeen anyway, he can do whatever he wants. Still, was not pretty.” </p><p>It was obvious to me that my friend took it way harder than he wanted to admit, but I knew that it was not good to bugger Reg with family matters. Also, frankly, I was a bit gobsmacked.<br/>Sirius, as well as his small group of friends consisting of Potter, Lupin and Pettigrew all were in the same year as I. I would probably not had any problems with them, apart from the pranks they played on the Slytherin house in general, if not for my friendship with Regulus. Often I had gotten in the crossfire of Sirius’ and Regulus’ many fights, due to their ever worsening relationship. </p><p>Spells meant for my best friend had hit me, and after the older Black had realised that I defended his brother, I had become target of more pranks than even most of the others of my house. Well, maybe apart from Snape.</p><p>Regulus had once told me, after a more.. violent fight between him and his brother, that they used to get along quite well when they were kids, and that he had always looked up to his older brother. As soon as Sirius had gone to Hogwarts though, and had been sorted into Gryffindor as the first in his family in decades, everything had drastically changed. He had told me that he regretted being such an arse to him too, influenced by his parents, but thought that it was too late to apologise now and just start anew, especially as every conversation they had ended in a fight. </p><p>I was glad that he had realised that his parents’ influence on him was bad, and that he slowly started to grow out of the biased, intolerant worldview he had been brought up with, but it made me sad that he thought it was too late to correct his errors. <br/>But again, I knew not to talk too much about family matters, as Regulus tended to get very defensive. Since last year, the Regulus had started to just avoid and ignore his brother, and not engage in a discussion or conversation, which of course antagonised them even more.</p><p>The train ride from London to Scotland was, as always, horribly long. We quickly left Greater London, while Reg and I talked about our exam results and our holidays, and just entered Cambridgeshire when we started to panic about my upcoming N.E.W.T.s, discussed the latest Quidditch games, and who we thought had the best chances to win this year’s national league. <br/>Nottinghamshire and Yorkshire passed, and we went out into the corridor for a bit, stretching our legs and looking for other friends to catch up a bit. We bought some cauldron cake from the sweets trolley, and only returned to our compartment when the glens and lochs of Scotland came into view, the green grass and cloudy skies only shortly visible in the setting sun. <br/>We changed into our uniforms and robes just as the sky turned from orange to pink, and gathered our things as the train slowly stopped in Hogsmeade. </p><p>Just as we did every year, we took the driverless coaches up to the castle, which were, as I found out only in my fifth year, pulled by thestrals. Gladly I could not see them. </p><p>After we had all found our table in the great hall, listened to the sorting hat sing his song and distribute the new students to the various houses, we were greeted by Dumbledore with his kind, welcoming words of ‘Let it be the year of fluffy socks and tall hats!’.<br/>The feast began, and I, being glad to be up in Scotland again, had some haggis with tatties and neeps, something I had grown quite fond of. I also had maybe one butter beer too much, and certainly too much Eaton mess to be healthy, while Reg managed to stuff an entire Shepard’s pie into his mouth. </p><p>With twelve new Slytherins in tow, who followed the prefect, we all descended into the dungeons, the first years looking slightly terrified by the grim stone walls around them. Their fear was a feeling I could completely understand, was my first experience no different when I had been sorted into the house. <br/>No one from the magical side of my family had been able to warn me though, as I was the only one for generations to be ever sorted into this house. </p><p>In the common room I yawned a goodbye at Regulus, before climbing down the stairs and into the dorms of the seventh years, while Reg made his way to the one of the sixth years a few doors down. I was the last to arrive, my roommates Lucius Malfoy, Severus Snape, Walden Macnair and Rodolphus Lestrange were already there, unpacking their suitcases and changing into their pyjamas. </p><p>I had to admit, I was not really friends with any of them. I got along quite well with a lot of people of my house, though mostly from other years, while most of my friends from my own grade were in different houses. </p><p>From this lot, I probably got along with Rodolphus the best, as he was a pretty chill guy, though lacking a certain part of assertiveness. He often seemed as if he did not really care what was happening, and mostly just did what everyone else was doing. He had good grades, and was ambitious when it came to them, but in most other aspects he just did what was expected from him.</p><p>Lucy, how I liked to call Malfoy, was quite different, had a very dominant and arrogant personality, and had apparently adopted the racist views of his pure blood family. I remembered my first week in Hogwarts, when I still tried to get along with my roommates, and Lucius had asked me about my linage, and how far back one could trace it. He had thought that, just as the rest of them, I was from some old, pureblood family, but when I told him that I had no idea, and that part of my family came from a long line of proud, Northern-Irish muggle potato farmers, he had started to treat me like I was beneath him. </p><p>Snape was.. well.. maybe the most horrible of all of them. He was rude and greasy, the kind of person who would never do anything nice for anyone, not even share his notes when you missed class, and then wondered why he had no friends. He always blamed anyone but himself for anything bad happening to him, and seemed to have the same worldview as Lucius, though he was himself not from a famous pure blood line. </p><p>Macnair seemed nice enough, was always up for a good chat, and had far too many contacts outside of school to get hand of anything one could dream of. He was mostly just very odd, with a lot of weird interests, and to be frank, a bit scary. When he thought no one was watching him, he had a very expressionless face, he had killed the last three of his pets, and had a strange fascination with knifes, always carrying one around in his pockets. </p><p>Especially at home I often had to defend my house, saying that not all Slytherins were evil and bad, but my roommates were certainly a bad example for my case. </p><p>“Well, how’s your schedule?” Regulus asked the next morning during breakfast, after a prefect had handed out everyone’s timetables. I carefully studied the parchment in my hand, while idly chewing on a piece of toast with marmalade. </p><p>“Monday’s good, first arithmancy, two hours of potions and then defence. After lunch two hours of care for magical creatures and ancient runes.” I read out loud. “Tuesday starts off with defence, ancient runes, and two hours of ancient studies, and a free afternoon. Wednesday I’ve got a free morning, then two hours of advanced arithmancy, charms, and then after lunch it’s just muggle studies and then a free afternoon again.” </p><p>“Why you’re still taking muggle studies in your last year, I will never understand. Or why you take it in general, to be honest.” Regulus interrupted my reading, with a frown.</p><p>“I want to understand them. They are the majority of the people on this planet, and by Merlin, even if it is not my best subject, I want to bloody know how their planes just fly without magic.” I explained, shaking my head at Regulus ignorance. “Anyways, moving on.. Thursday it’s charms again, then two hours of transfiguration.. and oh yes, they managed to get enough students to make up an alchemy class again, nice! Friday, I start with history, some more arithmancy, and then two hours of herbology and another free afternoon.” I finally ended. </p><p>“Quite jealous of your free afternoons, I have one or two classes every day after lunch.” Regulus grimaced, just as I dropping the topic of muggle studies. With an annoyed sigh he put his schedule down next to him, helping himself to another portion of porridge. “But, from your very, very boring schedule I take it, that if all goes wrong with your quidditch plans, you’re trying to go for curse breaker?” he raised an eyebrow. </p><p>“Well.. yes.. kind of? I talked a lot with my sister and my mum over the holidays, and they said that I should have a plan B if all goes wrong. If I cram enough before the finals and get some decent N.E.W.T.s, I can apply to Gringotts.” I shrugged. “Whatever, show me your schedule, I want to know when I can annoy you.” </p><p>Regulus laughed, and we continued with our breakfast until post arrived, and a large barn owl dropped a copy of the daily prophet onto my best friend’s head. </p><p>“Want to meet for lunch?” he then asked, looking up from the headline of the newspaper he had just opened, which read ‘Another Muggle Family slaughtered in own House’, a picture of a ruin and the dark mark above it.</p><p>News like this came in every other week, more often every month, and I had to say I was very glad to be in Hogwarts again, the only place where I felt safe from all of that. At home the mood had been bad enough, with one of my father’s friends, a muggle born Auror, having been murdered in August. </p><p>“Ahm.. yes, sure.” I shook my head slightly to shake off the dark thoughts. I avoided thinking about what was going on, avoided thinking about anything that would happen outside of Hogwarts, what the future would bring, as it always set of a painful sting in my heart. Anxiety, my sister had said, but I was not quite sure about that. </p><p>“I thought we could go out into the courtyard after lunch, soak in the last bit of sun.” I then added, before readjusting my round, horn-rimmed glasses, without which I was horribly short-sighted.  </p><p>“Sounds good.” Regulus nodded, returning his attention to his newspaper and porridge. </p><p>After breakfast we waved goodbye, as he had two hours of transfiguration with McGonagall in front of him, and I headed up into the fourth floor, to the classroom for arithmancy. <br/>As always, I was running a bit late, and the classroom was almost full, which was why I took a seat on an empty place in the last row, next to some Gryffindor. <br/>I took my books, a hawk writing quill, a bottle of green ink and some parchment out of my bag, but looked up as I noticed the person next to me staring at me. It was Remus Lupin. I swallowed. </p><p>“Do I have something in my face?” I asked, with a fake concern in my voice, but a slight smile on my lips. I had never had much contact with Lupin over the past few years, as I had avoided Sirius and his friends if possible. </p><p>“No.” the other one also smiled hesitantly. “You’re Alistair, are you not?” It was not really a question, and we both knew that he knew who I was.</p><p>“Liam Alistair, at your service.” I nodded, leaning back in my chair.</p><p>“You’re Regulus’ best friend.” Again, it wasn’t really a question.</p><p>“Yea, I hope you can overlook that detail for now.” I winked playfully, and studied his appearance. </p><p>His eyes looked like ambers, and his hair was of a light brown, even though a few strands of grey were noticeable at his temples. He was almost unhealthily pale, and three long scars stretched across his face. Still, he was quite handsome. I had noticed that before, of course, but again, had always tried to keep my distance to the Gryffindors.</p><p>Lupin seemed like he wanted to say something, but was interrupted by professor Vector, who entered the classroom and started the lesson. </p><p>Arithmancy was undoubtedly my favourite subject. Numbers and tables and calculations were my world, and the logic stretching through it all was very rewarding. I wasn’t the most talented person when it came to defence or charms or transfiguration in practice, but the theory behind everything was my strength. </p><p>“Do you also have potions now?” I asked Lupin after the bell had ended the lesson, while packing tables of numbers and notes into my bag. The boy nodded warily. “Great.” I smiled, shouldering my bag and leaving the classroom alongside the Gryffindor. </p><p>“Did you have a nice summer?” I started a conversation, as we made our way over to the great stairs, heading to the dungeons. I didn’t want an awkward silence between us, and maybe being nice to Lupin meant him and his friends not pranking me as often this year.</p><p>“Ah, yes. I did.” Lupin said, seemingly a bit irritated. “You?”</p><p>“Me too. We’ve been to France for a week, and my sister visited.” I smiled at the memory. Leaving the turmoil in Britain behind for even a few days had been a great change. I hated going back home.</p><p>“You’ve got a sister?” Remus asked, frowning slightly in thought.</p><p>“Yes, Artemis. She finished three years ago, she was a Ravenclaw.” </p><p>“Ah, I think I remember her! She was head-girl, was she not? I didn’t know she was your sister.” He stated with a nod, looking a bit confused and still slightly surprised. </p><p>“Usually people notice quite quickly, we look very alike.” I smiled. “Is there a reason why you seem so startled by this conversation?” I added, causing the Gryffindor to laugh.</p><p>“Well, Slytherins aren’t usually that nice.” He admitted a bit sheepishly.</p><p>I had to sigh. The age-old problem. <br/>Often people just assumed that every Slytherin ever was just like the cliché, a rich snob from an ancient family, only willing to talk to purebloods and other Slytherins, mean and rude and overall a bad and evil person. I had never done anything to him or his friends, had only stood up for Reg against Sirius, and still had earned to be seen as just the same as people as Malfoy or Snape. </p><p>“So that’s the problem, I see.” I laughed. “Well, I am in Slytherin, as the only one in my family I might add, because I am ambitious, loyal and if I dare say so, quite smart. I am not in Slytherin because of my family or heritage, or because I think that I am better than anyone else.” I mustered Lupin with an amused glint in my eyes. “Does that clear things up? I don’t bite, I really am just talkative.” </p><p>Lupin blushed, looking surprisingly adorable with his red cheeks, and ran his hand through his short hair. He really was quite handsome. <br/>“Ahm, yes. I think so. I just.. I’m not used to meet someone of your house who is.. normal.” </p><p>“I think I’ll take that as a compliment. But to be fair, most of the guys from my year are massive pricks, don’t get along with any of them, honestly.” I grinned. Maybe distancing myself from my horrible roommates would convince him that I was not like them.</p><p>“Hey, Moony!” we heard a voice behind us and turned around to see James Potter and the rest of the marauders coming down the grand stone stairs. We had arrived at the entrance to the dungeons, meeting up with the rest of the students heading down to the potions classroom. </p><p>“See you.” I just said, as Remus stopped to wait for his friends. I quickly walked on, hoping that they had not seen me.</p><p>The older Black had never made a secret about it, that he didn’t like me much, mainly because I was friends with his brother. I was also in the Slytherin’s quidditch team, which only made matters worse.<br/>Because I didn’t want to be the target of one of his pranks (again), I moved on pretty quickly. </p><p>In potions I sat at the back next to Narcissa Black, Regulus’ cousin, cutting a dragon liver into small pieces. Slughorn had given us the instructions to make a Blood-Replenishing Potion, which was, as he said, quite useful for the ones wanting to become healers. <br/>The classroom was already quite warm, all the cauldrons bubbling away creating almost tropical moist air, causing my hair to curl up even more.</p><p>I looked up, trying to push my frizzy hair out of my forehead, when I noticed Remus behind me, who seemed to be at the ingredient cupboard to get some eel eye. The barrel where it was kept though was quite high up on the shelf, and Lupin was not exceedingly tall.</p><p>I put my knife down and watched him for a moment, as he stretched his hand to get a hold of the small barrel. He had taken off his cloak, as most of us had because of the rising temperatures, and with only his white shirt he looked even scrawnier than usual. He was somewhat lanky, but not knee-and-elbow lanky as his friend Potter.</p><p>I swallowed slightly, my mouth feeling a bit dry, and got up. I walked towards him to help, as it didn’t look like he would reach the barrel any time soon.</p><p>“Need some help?” I asked, being a good few inches taller than the Gryffindor. My growth spurt with fifteen had left me towering over most people from our year. Lupin flinched a bit startled, obviously not expecting anyone behind him, but then smiled and nodded in relief. </p><p>“The eel eyes, right?” I asked, but already took the barrel off the shelf, handing it to Lupin. </p><p>“Cheers!” he smiled, standing in front of me just a moment too long, before returning to his seat at the front of the class between Black and Pettigrew. </p><p>“Liam?” I heard Narcissa’s voice next to me, myself a bit startled as I had not noticed being in thought. I shook my head slightly, taking my eyes off the Gryffindor and returning to my seat next to the girl. </p><p>“Yes?” I asked innocently, continuing to cut my dragon liver. </p><p>“What was that just now?” she asked, raising one of her ridiculously perfect eyebrows, her typical Black storm grey eyes fixating me. </p><p>“What do you mean?” I retorted, Ignoring her piercing gaze.</p><p>“Not that important..” she mumbled, her eyes still not leaving me for a while, until she sighed and returned her attention to her cauldron. </p><p>At the end of the two hours everyone had to hand in a sample of their potion, and Slughorn announced that they would be tested in the next week, before he wanted to discuss the effects and risks of the usage of the potion. Gladly he didn’t give us any homework, and ended the lesson a few minutes early, apparently in quite a good mood today. </p><p>“Do you think he likes me?” Narcissa asked, as we ascended the stone stairs, heading to the classroom for defence against the dark arts, where we apparently had another new teacher, like every year. Something was very wrong with that post. </p><p>“Well, he does mumble your name in his sleep, so I think yea.” I told her, watching a broad smile appear on her pretty face.</p><p>I liked Zissa a lot, and you could say that, next to Regulus, she was one of my best friends, was she one of the nicer ones in my year, but what she liked about Lucy I could really not understand.<br/>But, as she was into him since our fifth year now, I didn’t want to stand in the way of her luck. Who knew, maybe he was really her Mr. Right, and they would one day marry and have enough children to form their own quidditch team. </p><p>“Really?” the young Black grinned her hands on her reddening cheeks. I just nodded with a smirk, shifting my heavy bag onto my other shoulder. </p><p>“And I think you should try and introduce your sister to Rodolphus. He has a massive crush on her, for whatever reason.” I added, although I could not understand what Rodolphus liked about Bellatrix. </p><p>Just as last year we had DADA with the Hufflepuffs, and the new teacher, professor McAvery turned out to be quite a nice, Scottish wizard, who seemed to favour theory over practical application. <br/>In our fifth year we had had this class together with the Gryffindors, and with a rather hands on kind of witch, who had taken a year off from her position as an Auror to teach at Hogwarts. That class had surly been the highlight of any school day. </p><p>After class I made my way to the great hall. The corridors were filled with students, talking loudly and joking with each other, some looking forward to spending their free afternoon at the lake, as the weather was still rather warm, especially for Scotland. <br/>I pushed through the hallway, having lost Zissa already as soon as I had left the classroom, as she had waited for Lucy, finally arriving at the great hall. I walked along the table of the Slytherin house, until I reached Regulus, sitting down next to him.</p><p>“Hi Liam.” He smiled, already loading his plate with food. “You alright?”<br/>“Yea, you? Bloody full outside!” <br/>“Yes, kind of feels worse than last year. I think we have far more new students than people who have graduated last year.” He shrugged. </p><p>I nodded in agreement, reaching for the cod in front of me, and started to eat. After lunch Regulus and I spent the break relaxing on the stone benches of the courtyard in the sun, until we heard the bell and I had to head down to the grounds, for two hours of care for magical creatures with professor Kettleburn. </p><p>The tall, muscular professor had only one and a half limbs left, that being his right arm and half of his left foot, the rest replaced with magical prosthetics. He also missed an ear. Most limbs he had lost when he once again handled some especially dangerous creatures especially carelessly. Unfortunately, he seemed to influence Hagrid, the game keeper of Hogwarts, with this behaviour. </p><p>Zissa didn’t take the class, as she could not stand animals, magical or no, and I was one of the few Slytherins standing in front of the teacher, who clapped his hands far too motivated. </p><p>“So, children! For our first lesson this year, I thought up something real fun for you! Who of you likes Fizzing Whizzbees?” he asked, and nodded towards the students raising their hand. <br/>“Good, good. But have you ever asked yourself, what makes those sweets so special?” again, a few nodded.</p><p>Professor Kettleburn walked over to a large crate, opening it carefully and pulling out something, before closing it again tightly. In his hand, he held a very weird looking thing.</p><p>It was incredibly small, and undeniably blue. Overall, it looked like radish. On its head were small wings, and the other end of it was a long sting. </p><p>Kettleburn put it into a large glass jar, putting it onto a tree stump in front of us, which functioned as a table or desk in the majority of his lessons. </p><p>“This, everyone, is a billywig! Who of you has ever seen one of those before? Yes, James?” the professor asked, and I turned my head to the left, where Potter and his friends were standing.</p><p>“I was in Australia over the summer, and one of those things stung me!” he started, but Kettleburn interrupted him. </p><p>“Ah, yes, so you know all about those little things already. Please, everyone open up page forty in your books!” </p><p>The class started to open their books, and I too took out my edition of ‘Fantastic Beasts and where to find them’ by Newt Scamander.</p><p>Kettleburn cleared his throat. <br/>“The billywig is an insect and is exclusively found in Australia. As you can see, it is only about half an inch long, and bright blue. Muggles usually don’t see it, as it flies incredibly fast, and often some wizards or witches, like our James here, only notice it when they are stung. The wings sit right at the head, and rotate fast, causing the billywig to rotate while flying.” </p><p>The professor waited a bit, until everyone in the class could take a good look at the creature. It had some long legs and pale, large eyes, and caused a slight feeling of uneasiness somewhere down in my stomach.</p><p>“The sting of a billywig causes some feelings of dizziness, followed by levitation. Yes, you heard right, you just start flying!” the teacher added, as some of the students had a more than confused look on their face. Others started to laugh. “A lot of witches and wizards down in Australia try to catch the billywigs, animating them to sting them, so that they can enjoy the side effects, but be warned, too many stings can cause you to levitate uncontrollably for days on end, and if you’re unfortunate and have an allergic reaction, it can lead to chronical levitation!” </p><p>Again, some students laughed, and even Kettleburn could not supress a grin. </p><p>“Dried, you can find billiwigstings in a bunch of potions, and also as ingredient for the ever so popular Fizzing Whizzbees!” the professor ended, and clapped again.</p><p>“So, I will now put some of them into jars, so that you can go into pairs and take a closer look. As always, please create a rough sketch, so that we can then name the different body parts together, before we will take a closer look at how to care for them, what they eat, and how to protect yourself from their sting. A bit too late for our James here, but maybe useful for anyone else planning to go to Australia.” </p><p>I teamed up with Rodolphus, who took our billywig jar, and sat down with him on the moss-covered ground, starting to sketch the weird little creature. Even though I could see it more clearly now, the comparison with a radish would not leave my head. I tried to make out the number of wings on its head, which was hard as it was constantly moving and flying around, when I suddenly heard a loud shatter, as the glass in front of me suddenly exploded.</p><p>Lestrange and I made a jump back, but the small insect was nowhere to be seen. Rodolphus flailed his hands around himself, and I ducked my head, hearing the flutter of tiny wings near my left ear. I flinched and raised my shoulder instinctively, but before I could do anything else, I felt a piercing sting in my neck. </p><p>Almost immediately I felt incredibly sick. With a groan I dropped to the ground, rolling onto my side, trying not to throw up my lunch. Rodolphus was at my side immediately, pulling out his wand and shouting a “Confringo!” at the billywig, which was, to be fair, a bit of an overreaction.</p><p>I could hear a few students laughing behind me, which I didn’t really care all that much about, as in that moment I took off the ground. I tried to hold onto anything, but there was nothing, Lestrange was behind me, and I could not turn around. </p><p>“Help!” I yelped, and saw the professor hurrying over to us, when Lestrange grabbed my cloak and pulled me down. Unfortunately, my feet were floating above my head, turning me upside down, causing my glasses to slide off my nose and falling to the ground. <br/>Splendid. Not only did I levitate around two metres above the ground, no, I was almost blind now too. Just amazing.</p><p>“What happened, boy?” I heard the voice of professor Kettleburn, and saw his shape standing in front of me. “And Lestrange, why did you blow up the creature? Five points from Slytherin for that move, lad!”</p><p>“Sorry, professor.” Lestrange did not sound as if he was truly sorry, and handed me over to Kettleburn, who pulled me down a bit more. </p><p>“I don’t know what happen. We just sat there, and the jar exploded! And then that thing stung me!” I groaned, hiding my face behind my hands, as I slowly felt more and more sick. Not only because of the sting, but also because this way of flying was surly not the nice, controlled kind of a broomstick. Why anyone would catch those things and make them sting them on purpose I could not understand. This was shite.</p><p>“I’m so sick.” I added.</p><p>“Alright, alright. Ah.. Lupin! Take Alistair to the hospital wing, will you? The rest of you, continue with the sketches. Lestrange, you’re going to be my assistant this lesson.” Kettleburn handed me to Lupin, which I noticed as I was pulled down a bit more. </p><p>“No, wait, my glasses!” I said, but the professor already pushed us towards the castle, eager to continue the lesson, ignoring my pleas. </p><p>Being pulled through the air like a balloon was even worse than hovering over a spot, and I flailed my arms around until I just gripped Lupin's arm, who was apparently holding me down by the collar of my cloak. </p><p>“Sorry, I just have to hold on somewhere. This is horrible!” I mumbled an excuse, squinting my eyes to make out where we were. <br/>There was one good thing though, even if I heard laughter and people making fun of me around me, I did not have to see them. </p><p>“No problem. Sorry about the glasses.” Lupin said, and I slightly turned my head to him, seeing a slight smile on his lips as his face was close enough for me to make out. He had a nice smile.</p><p>We passed the castle gates and went along the corridors of the school. That we had reached the hospital wing I noticed because of the fact that I heard madam Pomfrey gasping.</p><p>“What happened to him?” she asked, and I saw her white shape walking towards us. </p><p>“He was stung by a billywig, madam.” Remus answered for me, and handed me over to the medi-witch, who pulled me through the room and towards an empty bed, where she pinned me down, and tied me onto the mattress with a wave of her wand.</p><p>“I’m sorry, but those creatures are not native here. I am afraid we don’t have an antidote at hand.” She stated, putting her blurry hands on her blurry hips. “All we can do is wait until it fades.” She sighed.</p><p>“And how long will that take?” I asked not really hopeful. I wasn’t really keen to spend my afternoon lying here, tied down to a bed, without being able to see anything.</p><p>“Around three hours. If you’re allergic, Merlin, hope you’re not, it could take up to a week.” </p><p>“Blimey..” I dropped my head onto the pillow, well as much as I could drop it while it was levitating, before looking over to Lupin, who stood near my bed, probably not sure if he should just leave. “Lupin, could you do me a favour and take my stuff with you, and give it to Regulus or Narcissa if you see them? My glasses must lie somewhere in the grass.” </p><p>“Of course!” he said instantly, causing me to smile.</p><p>“Cheers!”</p><p>The hospital wing was almost empty, which was no wonder, as it was the first day of school. Other than me, there was only a poor second year from Hufflepuff, Finn Bradley, who had somehow managed to mess up his potion so badly, that the steam caused him to grow rabbit ears and a fluffy tail. We talked about quidditch for a while, and he told me about a game he had seen during the summer.<br/>It wasn’t all too bad, but when the side effects of the sting finally faded, which I noticed as it was my own body pressing me onto the mattress, and not the belts tying me down, I could not but sigh in relief. </p><p>I thanked madam Pomfrey, wished Finn all the best concerning his ears, and left the hospital wing, one hand on a wall and trying not to bump into things. It was a wonder that I found my way down to the great hall, even if I found myself in a broom cupboard at least three times down the way. </p><p>I tumbled along the Slytherin table, until suddenly a hand pulled me down onto the bench, causing me to gasp.</p><p>“Liam?” I heard Regs amused voice, and glared angrily in his direction, causing him to laugh even more. “Whow, mate, sorry.” </p><p>“Where’s Zissa?” I asked, looking around as if I could see something. My best friend only patted my shoulder, laughing again.</p><p>“Wait, I’ll get her.” He said and stood up. I turned towards the table, waiting for the young Black to return, not daring to eat in case I would end up spilling something I could not really see.</p><p>A few minutes later Reg finally came back, dropping a heavy bag into my lap.<br/>“Here, I should give that to you.” He said.</p><p>“Merlin, thanks.” I mumbled, rummaging through the bag until I finally found my glasses, pulling them out and putting them on. There was a slight crack in the left glass. Splendid. </p><p>I groaned, but looked around the hall, only to meet the grinning face of Sirius Black, who stared right at me.</p><p>I sighed, taking off my glasses, and repairing the broken lens with a simple spell, before putting some vegetables onto my plate. My stomach still felt a bit ill.<br/>Of course, the whole billywig scenario had been a prank, of no one else than the marauders personally. I was not even surprised. I had just hoped that they would at least wait a bit, not already prank me on the first bloody day of school. </p><p>“Reg, your brother is a wanker.” I simply said, and the young Black, who had also looked over to the Gryffindor table, just nodded in agreement. </p><p>“Said it for years, Liam.” He shrugged. “Just ignore him, it’s not worth it.” Reg pressed his lips together, and I knew that he always felt bad when I was target of his brother’s jokes, as he knew it was mostly because of him.</p><p>After dinner we went to the common room, though I made a detour to the table of the Ravenclaws, where I asked Miriam Ivers, who also took ancient runes, if I could borrow her notes. <br/>I went to bed pretty early, taking the time to have a long, relaxing shower, to copy the notes and to pack my bag for the next day.</p><p>Listening to the sound of the water of the lake outside my window, I fell asleep, despite the events of the day, very happy to be in Hogwarts again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Quidditch Try-outs and horrible first dates.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>possible TWs: gay angst, internalised homophobia</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first two weeks of school went by rather quickly, and I had only had a handful silly comments thrown my way after the billywig incident, most of which were in good fun. I also had something to look forward to, as on Saturday, the quidditch try-outs of the Slytherin team would take place.</p><p>I had been a beater since I had been in my third year, and spent the past four years playing side by side with a boy named Casper, who had been a year older than me.<br/>
I loved quidditch more than anything. At home in Northern-Ireland I played all the time with the other wizard kids of our village, and many learnt to fear me if they played in the team against me. </p><p>For my seventeenth birthday my parents had surprised me with a new comet! Considering we were never on the wealthy side, it meant a lot to me, knowing how long they had probably saved up for this. It was one of the many reasons I looked forward to this year’s season so much, not to mention that it would also be my last season at Hogwarts. </p><p>With our broomsticks over our shoulders, Regulus and I made our way down to the quidditch pitch, to change into our Shamrock green robes, which we took, together with the rest of our gear, down with us in large bags.<br/>
Reg was the team’s seeker, and with him our chances to win were immensely high, if not for James Potter, the seeker of the Gryffindor team. Potter was a true talent and an incredibly practiced player, no question there, but compared to my best friend the Gryffindor flew a rather old broom, which would probably be his downfall this season. </p><p>We were the first ones in the changing rooms, and quite early, so after getting dressed I mounted my broom, pushing off the ground and rising into the air. The wind blew through my curly hair, as I raced around the goals at one end of the pitch, watching as people started to climb up the tribune to watch the try-outs. </p><p>I just loved the feeling of flying so much, sitting on a broom high up in the air. It was so much better than floating around aimlessly after being stung by a billdywig. Here, I had control and could do whatever I wanted.<br/>
I slowed down and stopped high above the field. The tribunes and stands seemed quite full already. On one hand there were a few optimistic students who wanted to join, as after last year a few positions had been left vacant, and on the other hand there were a lot of supportive friends and other onlookers, as the try-outs were usually quite a spectacle. Most of the people I saw I knew to be Slytherins, despite on a Saturday almost no one wearing a school uniform. But a bit off, were four people, who I recognised, and who certainly were not Slytherins. It would not bother me per se, as I knew people from all houses usually attended try-outs, but these were no normal onlookers. </p><p>I descended a bit, and just as I suspected, I saw Potter, Black, Lupin and Pettigrew sitting on the benches, talking to each other. </p><p>I sighed deeply, hoping that they would not plan some stupid prank, as especially at the try-outs that was really the last thing we needed. And I really did not fancy a weird prank while I was fifty metres high in the air on a broom.</p><p>But.. if they were here to see us play, and maybe spy how our new players did.. an idea went through my head so quickly that I didn’t even really think about it.. they should see what we were able to do. </p><p>I usually wasn’t someone prone to boasting, or doing spectacular stunts during games, but I just could not hold myself back, not this time. Not with them watching.</p><p>I supressed a grin and accelerated, flying over the field and past the podium in a loop-the-loop. I turned my broom in a drift and flew past the onlookers again, this time shifting my position, letting go of my broom handle, before making a backflip in my broom, safely regaining and ideal flying position.</p><p>I could hear ‘Oooh!’s and ‘Aaah!’s from the people down below, together with some cheering. </p><p>I laughed, and turned my broom again, looking towards the marauders and to my satisfaction, seeing that they watched my performance. The impressed expression on Lupin’s face, for some reason, made me grin even more.<br/>
I flew ahead, barrel rolling with my broom, before doing a few more loop-the-loops and spirals towards the ground, until I landed with a more than smug grin on my face, next to Regulus on the moist grass of the pitch. Reg looked at me with a raised eyebrow, but I just gestured towards the Gryffindors, as if I had just noticed them during my show-off.</p><p>“Worried?” I asked, after his eyes had followed my gesture. </p><p>“I don’t know. Slughorn said he wanted to watch, so I don’t think they’re going to try anything. Which does not mean that they didn’t plan something.” He frowned. </p><p>After ten minutes or so the try-outs finally started. Slughorn had really shown up, and watched as one player after the other was tested.<br/>
During the try-outs – I was involved in the chaser and beater ones – I gave everything I had, not only to force the contestants to give absolutely everything, but also to once again, boast a bit, and scare the other teams. </p><p>In the end, I got a new beater colleague, a rather lanky looking fifth year old called Septima, who could, despite her figure, beat the bludger all across the quidditch pitch, and who seemed to play quite mercilessly, which fitted perfectly to my own playing style. A new chaser was also found, a sixth year called Agnes Byrne. </p><p>While we tested a new keeper, and I was not needed, I descended a bit, halting in front of the Gryffindors. I knew I should avoid confrontation, and Regulus had also wanted to hold me back, but after my civil conversations with Lupin over the past two weeks in Arithmancy and Advanced Arithmancy, I thought that maybe showing them that I was not an evil git, would make them prank me less. </p><p>“Exciting?” I asked with a grin. I raised up one leg to put it onto the broom, so I could casually rest my arms on top of my knee. </p><p>“Oh yes, incredibly. But you already proved that snakes could fly two weeks ago.” Potter joked, causing Black to laugh. I sighed, letting my eyes wander over the pitch. It had been obvious that they would mention this.<br/>
But I also knew that getting angry was just what they wanted by provoking me.</p><p>“Well, I would not call it flying, really. It was rather an unpleasant hovering. Especially unpleasant when you can’t see shite.” I said sarcastically, tapping my quidditch glasses, which were secured at the back of my head. </p><p>“Blindworm” Pettigrew squeaked giggling.</p><p>“Not very tactful, considering that Potter here is probably just about as blind as I am.” I smiled. I wouldn’t let those four bully me anymore. “When are your try-outs again?” I then asked, hoping that the silly puns would find an end. </p><p>“Next weekend, why do you ask?” Black raised an eyebrow. </p><p>“I don’t know, maybe I’ll come and cheer you on a bit. ‘Go, go, Gryffindor!’, or whatever it is?” I shrugged.</p><p>“Have fun, then.” Black rolled his eyes, turning to Potter as if I wasn’t there anymore. Pettigrew still giggled and whispered something in Lupin’s ear, who smirked.</p><p>“Bye, then.” I just said, sliding back onto my broom properly. I flew to the other side of the pitch, where I remained for the rest of the try-outs, not wanting any more confrontations with the Marauders. By now I was not sure if talking to them was a good idea anymore.</p><p>The new keeper was chosen, and I chatted a bit with Septima, and we planned to meet up and talk about strategy the coming week. When I entered the changing rooms most of the others were already gone. </p><p>Edgar Owen, a very tall sixth year old Scot with short brown hair and a strong love for tartan, chaser and new captain of the quidditch team, petted me on the back and stated “Well played, Liam!” before also leaving.</p><p>“You coming?” Reg asked, broom over his shoulder and already changed. His quidditch uniform was in one of the lockers, and he was waiting to go back up to the castle.</p><p>I shook my head.<br/>
“Nah, go ahead without me. I’m sweating like a pig, I have to shower first.” I pulled at my uniform and Reg nodded. </p><p>“Figured, the way you threw yourself into it today. See you after lunch then!” he waved a short goodbye and left me in the changing rooms. </p><p>I took off my quidditch robes, putting them into the laundry basket in the corner, took off my quidditch glasses and went into the shower room.<br/>
The cool water felt amazing on my heated skin, and I brushed my hair out of my face. My thoughts were still at the try-outs and our new team members, and already at possible manoeuvres I could try out with Septima in our next training session. I hoped that we would finally win the quidditch cup this year, as we had not won it since my fourth year at Hogwarts.</p><p>I turned the water off, grabbed a towel and dried off, before leaving the showers to redress.<br/>
I pulled on a pair of black jeans, before grabbing a towel to rub my hair dry, when suddenly I heard a voice calling my name.</p><p>“Yes?” I looked up, quickly putting on my glasses and turning towards the door, where I spotted Remus standing alone. I quickly looked around myself, just to make sure that it was really only him, and not the others as well. Being jumped and pranked half naked in the changing rooms was nothing I really wanted to experience. </p><p>“Hi.” Remus looked over to me a bit sheepishly. His cheeks were a bit red, and I noticed how he slightly averted his eyes.</p><p>“Hi..” I only said back, relaxing as I did not spot Black or Potter in the vicinity. I turned towards a mirror to comb my hair, which was standing away in every direction possible, and which always looked incredibly long without my curls. </p><p>“You flew really good today.” He said, looking down at his shoes.</p><p>“Thanks..” I simply said, not knowing what else to say, before I pulled my favourite Wimborne Wasps shirt over my head. “Where are you friends?” I then asked.</p><p>“Having lunch.” </p><p>“And you don’t” I raised an eyebrow.</p><p>“No..” Lupin looked around the changing room, as if it was a very interesting place. Then he sighed. “I.. I wanted to apologise.. for them.. and for me.” </p><p>I put my bat, quidditch glasses, gloves, boots, shin-, knee- and arm-guards into my locker, on which my name was written since my third year, and pulled on a yellow and black flannel shirt, which colour correlated with the black and yellow print on my shirt. Very fashionable.</p><p>“For watching the try-outs? No need.” I joked. </p><p>Remus smirked.<br/>
“For how we behaved. It was rude.” He sighed once more, again looking away from me. “And also, for the billywig thing. I guess you know it was us.” </p><p>“Classic Marauder prank, of course I knew.” I shook my head, shouldering my broom. “But thanks.. for the apology. You want to go to the great hall?” I asked, and Lupin nodded. </p><p>It was a fair day, a bit cooler by now, but still not really fall. The sun was shining brightly onto the grounds, and a few students were seen lying in the grass or around the late, enjoying the last bits of summer. </p><p>I shifted my broom from one shoulder onto the other, watching the whomping willow casually stretching towards the sun.</p><p>I thought about something to say, but could not think about anything. I hated not knowing what to say, usually I always managed to think of at least something. Lupin also kept quiet. It was driving me mad. It seemed as if my plan to make them see I was not that bad started to work. </p><p>“Apologising for a prank.. not usually a thing you guys do, no? The only times I’ve seen it was when McGonagal has forced you to.” I broke the silence, causing Remus to laugh. </p><p>“We also usually don’t prank people we like.” He then said, looking towards the lake. </p><p>“I don’t think Black or Potter like me. Pettigrew probably also not, although he does make it quite obvious.” I stated, my brows furrowed. </p><p>“But I do, so I wanted to apologise.” Remus smiled at me.</p><p>I didn’t know what to say and looked over to the Gryffindor, chewing my lower lip. He still had that slight smile on his lips, and I felt myself blush, causing me to quickly turn my eyes away. He had just said that he liked me. As this was the whole point of my plan this was of course great, but I didn’t know why his words made my heart flutter so much.<br/>
Suddenly my old, worn down shoes were very interesting, and I watched them until we reached the entrance hall. </p><p>“I.. ah.. I’ll bring my broom down to the dungeon.” This sounded very wrong. “See you later.” I managed to smile, which Remus returned, before hurrying down the stone stairs towards the Slytherin common room.</p><p>I entered my dorm room, leaning my broom against the wall next to my bed, and let myself drop down onto the soft mattress. </p><p>What by Merlin’s beard was wrong with me? Since when was I too shy to look someone in the eye? Just because a pretty boy was telling me he likes me, I suddenly become a mess and can’t talk anymore? Really Liam?</p><p>I groaned and got up. I was hungry, especially after the hard training session I had today, and didn’t want to wait until dinner to grab something to eat. I could think about my feelings later, when I had time. Or never, and just ignore them, while burying my nose in a book. That also sounded good.</p><p>I left the common room and ascended the stairs again, entering the great hall, where I already saw Regulus next to his cousin Narcissa at the Slytherin table.<br/>
I sat down next to them, thinking about what I should eat.</p><p>“Your hair is a mess.” Narcissa greeted me. </p><p>“So?” I decided on a jacked potato, and some salad, pouring myself a glass of water.</p><p>“You could try and cut it a bit, at least.” </p><p>“Can’t I just sit down and have lunch? They only look that long because they are wet, relax Zissa.” I rolled my eyes and started to eat, idly running my hand through my hair to push it out of my face. Zissa clicked her tongue. </p><p>Regulus giggled, not even bothered by the glare his cousin directed at him. </p><p>I was about halfway through my meal, when suddenly a girl, probably a fifth year, took a seat next to me.</p><p>“Hi Liam.” She smiled, and looked at me with sparkling blue eyes.</p><p>“Ah, hi.. do I know you?” I asked a bit confused, but smiled back. I knew her from sight, she was a Slytherin after all, but could not put a name to her face.</p><p>“Oh, well, not directly I guess. We used to sit in the same study hall last year on Wednesday afternoons. I’m Heather, Heather Morris.” She introduced herself, stretching out a delicate hand in a playfully formal way. I shook it, having to grin.</p><p>“Well, Heather Morris, what ever can I do for you?” I asked, taking another mouthful of potato. </p><p>She blushed a bit, looking at her hands for a moment.<br/>
“Well, nothing really, I just wanted to say that I’ve seen you at the try-outs today, and wanted to tell you that you did amazing! With a beater like you we’ll win the cup this year!” she had a slightly dreamy expression on her face. </p><p>“Ahm.. well, thanks! I certainly hope so! Or Edgar will be very cross with me.” I smiled, putting more salad onto my plate. </p><p>“The somersault was the best part! How long did you train that? I’ve never seen anyone nailing it like that before!” she added.</p><p>“Wow, hm.. I don’t really know, I spent most of my childhood on a broom.” I shrugged. </p><p>“That is really cool! I never knew you were such a badass!” she still smiled.</p><p>Now, being called a ‘badass’ highly irritated me, and Regulus next to me started to cough, as he tried to stifle a laugh with his mouth full of food. I didn’t really know what to say. Next to me being the complete opposite of a badass, I now noticed that this was certainly not just a normal conversation, but that this girl was trying to flirt with me. </p><p>And I certainly did not know how to handle that! I had no experience with girls what so ever, and frankly, no desire to have it. Not only due to the fact that I had my hands full with school and quidditch, but also girls.. were not really my area. </p><p>“It is still so nice today, do you have any plans for the afternoon?” Heather continued after a short pause, stroking back her long mahogany hair. She was very pretty, and I was sure many guys would love to talk to her. </p><p>“Ahm..” a bit helplessly I shot Narcissa a look, a look which she unfortunately completely mistook, as she now started to grin and wiggle her eyebrows. </p><p>“As far as Liam has told me, he has nothing planned for today. It really is a nice day, though, maybe the two of you should meet up at the lake later, say in an hour?” she suggested. </p><p>Heather was taken a bit aback by Narcissa suddenly involving herself into the conversation, and looked back and forth between the two of us. Taking my expression as shyness apparently, she finally nodded with a grin.</p><p>“Sounds great! See you later then!” she lightly bit her lip, before sanding up and returning to her friends, who seemed to cheer for her, for being brave enough to talk to me. Oh bugger. </p><p>I groaned and sunk down in my seat, throwing Zissa a devastated glance. </p><p>“Thanks for that.” I grumbled, suddenly not feeling hungry anymore, even though I still had half of my potato left. I pushed my plate away putting my elbows onto the table. </p><p>“I don’t know what you’re on about, Lee. I thought you wanted a date.” She asked, lifting an eyebrow.</p><p>“I actually wanted the opposite.” I corrected her.</p><p>“Merlin, Lee, just be happy that I got you a date! It’s time for you anyways, be glad that finally someone is into you! With you spending all your time with your nose in books, and talking about runes and stuff, you’re lucky she saw you at quidditch.” The girl took a sip of her pumpkin juice, ignoring my angry glare. </p><p>Finally, I rolled my eyes, pushing my food around my plate and thinking about how rude it would be to simply not show up. But after being pressured by Zissa, and evil threats of turning my broom into a toad, I finally made my way down to the lake. Inside, I tried to prepare myself for a super awkward afternoon. </p><p>Miserable I left the castle and slowly walked over the grounds. I certainly wasn’t in a hurry, in contrary I wasted as much time as humanly possible.<br/>
Heather was already there, sitting on a blanket in the grass, waving at me from afar. She was wearing a nice summer dress with a thin cardigan over her shoulders, the blue of the fabric perfectly resonating with her eyes and hair. </p><p>“Hello Liam!” she said, as I dropped down next to her. She did not comment of my delay of almost half an hour at all, but smiled at me in expectation.<br/>
Nervously I scratched the back of my head.</p><p>“Nice day, isn’t it?” I asked, hoping that my smile looked somewhat honest. I kind of wanted her to have a nice time, as she did not do anything wrong by asking me out, it was not her fault that I was the way I am. </p><p>“It is!” she crocked her head. “You know, Liam, I really regret not going to the training sessions and friendlies more often, I never knew how talented you were! I admit, during the games I look more at the chasers.” </p><p>“Well, training sessions are not that exciting, I’m afraid. We either do cardio or practice certain moves or rehears strategies.” I shrugged. “Frankly, the only reason I did all those moves today was because someone from the Gryffindor quidditch team was at the try-outs, and I wanted to intimidate him.” That was the reason, right? </p><p>“I’m glad you showed what you’ve got! Maybe I will still come and watch if the weather is not too bad. Seeing you would be worth it.” She blushed at her own words.</p><p>I could not help but raise an eyebrow at that, as it was quite straight forward.<br/>
I had to admit, she was truly pretty, and looked amazing in that dress. It was such a wasted effort for me, though. I felt bad.</p><p>“Do you play?” I asked, trying to change the topic to safer grounds. “Quidditch, I mean.”</p><p>“No, sadly I’m no good on a broom, unlike you. Fell off in flying class in my first year and broke my leg.” She giggled. “But I love to watch it! My aunt took me and my cousins to a lot of national games; she works in the ministry and often gets tickets.” She then explained. </p><p>“What is your favourite team?” Quidditch was always a safe topic.</p><p>“The Holyhead Harpies!” she sounded very excited. “But I can tolerate you liking the Wasps.” She laughed, nodding at my t-shirt. </p><p>I had to laugh too. She had a nice laugh. I felt bad once more.<br/>
“Hey, the Wasps have Britain’s best beater! Ludo Bagman, my absolute role model!”</p><p>“Didn’t help them win the league, did it though?” she grinned. “The Harpies did!”</p><p>“Don’t pour salt into an open wound, Heather, that is not nice.” I shook my head, pretending to wipe tears out of my eyes.</p><p>“There is always next year!” she winked. </p><p>I tutted at her but had to grin. I almost forgot this was a date.<br/>
“What else do you like next to quidditch?” I asked, honestly interested now. </p><p>“Well, I love ballroom dancing, I know its.. I don’t know, weird for some people, but it is great fun. I also recently started candle making, I’m really into crafts and all of that stuff.” She played with a wristband on her left arm.</p><p>“Did you make that one?” I gestured at the bracelet.</p><p>“Oh, yes, I did. Do you like it?” she held it up. It was green and silver, woven out of some kind of thread.</p><p>“It’s nice.” I swallowed. “Also, ballroom dancing does not sound weird. In contrary, it is quite practical. I never learnt how to really dance, so the one time I went to the Yule ball, it was super embarrassing.”</p><p>We both had to laugh.</p><p>“I.. I could teach you, if you want..” Heather looked at me, her cheeks pink.</p><p>“If I ever decide to go to a ball again, I maybe come back to that. Last time I tripped and took down a lot of dishes, and Narcissa with me.” I tried to evade the question.</p><p>Heather giggled, looking out towards the lake. </p><p>By Merlin, she really was a nice girl. She seemed smart and interesting and pretty. If only she wasn’t.. a girl. I groaned on the inside.</p><p>“And what do you like, next to quidditch?” she then asked after a few moments.</p><p>“Well.. I like to read, fiction and non-fiction. I love history, both wizard and muggle history alike. I also study a lot of Celtic and Norse magic in ancient studies. Next to the quidditch team, I’m also in the ancient runes club. I like.. maths..” I scratched my head. “Blimey, Regulus is right, I really am boring.” </p><p>Heather had to laugh out loud, but I also had noticed her irritated expression when I talked about my interests. I knew I was a nerd, but it always hurt a bit when I noticed how unimpressed others were by my hobbies and interests. </p><p>“It probably is more fun than it sounds.” She grinned. “I don’t find you that boring, you are cute.” </p><p>I blushed, weirdly enough. A compliment was a compliment after all, and I didn’t often receive them, at least not concerning my interests or personality. </p><p>I looked at the lake in an effort to hide my red cheeks. It was a really nice afternoon, and I would probably have asked Regulus to go for a swim or would have sat down in the shade of a tree with a good book.<br/>
But no. I had to sit here and feel bad. </p><p>Well, it was not bad to be here per se. If it would’ve been just a normal meeting with a friend, this would be great. It was fun talking with Heather, and I could really see us hanging out more often, but knowing that she wanted something else than friendship left such a bad feeling in my stomach that I wanted to be anywhere but here. </p><p>Heather next to me leaned back a bit, letting the sun hit her face. </p><p>“How old are you, by the way?” I then asked, because I could not stand silence and I had no idea what else to ask. </p><p>“Sixteen in January, you?” she crooked her head. </p><p>“Seventeen since August.” I said.</p><p>“Wow, so you’re allowed to practice magic outside of school, right?” she sounded fascinated. </p><p>“Yes, it is quite practical when my dad makes me peel the potatoes. Saves a lot of time.” I admitted. Blimey, if that wasn’t an Irish cliché, I didn’t know what was. Was I nothing more than an Irish stereotype?</p><p>Heather apparently thought I was joking and laughed out loud, leaning slightly against me.<br/>
“You’re funny.” She stated, looking up to me. Then, she suddenly reached for my glasses. “How strong are those?” </p><p>“Ah, those I better keep on.” I said quickly pushing her hand down, which she took as an invitation to hold mine. “I’m almost blind without them, I have five dioptre.” I added, trying to justify my reaction. </p><p>“I just wanted to look through them..” she was quite close now, her free hand brushing one of my curls out of my forehead, a small pout on her lips.</p><p>I swallowed hard and my heart pounded in my chest. She was very close to me, so close that I would’ve seen her perfectly even without my glasses. Her eyes flickered down at my lips, and I felt my cheeks redden. I knew she interpreted my nervousness the wrong way, as a small smile appeared on her face. My fight or flight instinct kicked in, and as I certainly was not a brave person, I chose flight. </p><p>“I.. ah.. I really should be going, you know.. I’ve got this long essay to write for professor Binns, about the goblin wars, really fascinating stuff..” I started but felt her soft hand stroking over my neck. I got goosebumps, but the bad kind. This whole thing just felt so bloody wrong.</p><p>“It can’t be that important, can it?” she blinked her pretty eyes at me, but a voice in my head screamed at me how this was not what I wanted, and if I thought I wasn’t into girls up to now, now I was really sure of it. I finally managed to pull away, and to stand up.</p><p>“Really sorry, it is super important! Can’t wait!” I straightened my shirt, waved goodbye and escaped towards the castle, feeling guilty and bad for just leaving her like that. She was a nice girl, but I just could not give her what she wanted. </p><p>As soon as I was out of view of the lake, I stopped, and ran a hand over my face, of which I was sure to be red as a tomato. That had been.. close. I suspected she was about to kiss me, and I didn’t want to waste my first kiss, and yes it would have been my first kiss, on someone I did not care about, or to someone I simply did not want to kiss.<br/>
I could see myself care for her, sure, but not like that. She seemed so great but.. why couldn’t I just be normal.<br/>
For a split second the thought of just.. going with it, and pretending crossed my mind, but with this averse reaction I just had, it sounded impossible. </p><p>I felt guilty for my thoughts and groaned. I wanted to continue my way to the castle but flinched when I heard someone calling my last name. As it was not a female voice, I turned around, seeing Potter and Black walking towards me, also coming from the direction of the lake.</p><p>“How can I help?” I asked, still slightly tense and out of breath. I hoped in futile that they would just leave me be. With Regulus avoiding Sirius as much as possible this year, I really didn’t know why they had it in for me recently. </p><p>“Not that it is any of our business, Alistair, but did we just see right? A nice girl wants to kiss you, blindworm, and you just run away?” Sirius laughed. I did not take his insult seriously, as I was not ugly, at least not according to Narcissa, and I trusted her opinion on that. Also, a nice girl like Heather would not ask me out if I was not at least a bit good looking. At least that was what I thought.</p><p>“You’re right, that is indeed none of your business.” I hissed, turning away and starting to walk. Really didn’t need that right now. Not now when I was so startled and confused and full of worry. </p><p>“But I’m curious, Alistair! Why did you reject her?” Black continued, he and Potter following me.</p><p>“She is just not my type.” I murmured, as the situation was hopeless anyways, as the two Gryffindors were flanking me now on both sides, like some annoying bodyguards. It was not even a lie, wasn’t it? Yes, Heather was just not.. my ‘type’.</p><p>“Uhu, so who’s your type then?” Potter asked, a mean grin on his face. </p><p>For some reason, that question I had honestly not expected, and it threw me a bit off guard. I stopped in my tracks, and my cheeks felt as if they were burning. Oh Merlin. </p><p>“I.. I don’t.. ahm..you see, I.. ah..” I stuttered, unable to bring out some kind of defence. I had never thought about what I would say if that question was ever asked. I tried to think about something that did not look like any girl I knew, but nothing came to mind in my panic. </p><p>“What?” Sirius laughed, playfully boxing my shoulder. Potter on the other hand frowned slightly, before suddenly his eyebrows shot up. Apparently, it all made sense now to him. Me not having a girlfriend, or a date to the one Yule ball I had gone to. Me running away from a girl when she tried to kiss me. </p><p>“Oh.” He made. Then he started to laugh. He obviously tried to say something, but could not bring a word out, his hand holding his stomach and his other arm supporting himself on Sirius’s shoulder, who had not yet realised what was going on. </p><p>Embarrassed and angry I looked down at my shoes, feeling my eyes start to burn. I stormed past the two of them, not wanting them to see that they had hurt me, and not without pushing James with my shoulder, causing the only slightly shorter boy to fall onto the ground. A beater was after all stronger than a measly seeker. </p><p>Without even looking up I went to the Slytherin common room, rushing through it and entering my dorm, which was fortunately empty. I let myself fall onto the bed and closed the curtains around me.</p><p>As soon as I was hidden behind the heavy, dark green curtains of my bed, tears started to run down my face.<br/>
Fuck Potter and fuck Black. His stupid face laughing at me, just for.. this.<br/>
What if Potter was going to tell everyone? What if he told Remus? He would never talk to me again! The whole school would know by tomorrow, I was sure of it.</p><p>So much for my plan to make them not prank me anymore, now they had even more stuff they could use to make fun of me. Why hadn’t I just done the same as Regulus, and ignored them? Why did I have to start to talk to Remus. We got along so well, and he seemed like such a nice person, but was it worth it?</p><p>I rubbed my eyes, trying to get myself under control. A sob left my throat.<br/>
Why me? Why must I be.. different? Merlin’s beard.</p><p>It was nothing new for me, of course, I had realised that I wasn’t into girls at quite an early age and had had many sleepless nights because of it. Realising something like that about yourself was not a walk in the park, especially something that was ridiculed all the time.<br/>
Of course, I had never told anyone, not even my family, had just tried to ignore it, and it hadn’t even been such a big issue during my first years at Hogwarts.</p><p>Around fourteen, fifteen, when everyone else around me started to become interested in the opposite sex, and kissing and dating and all that came up, that was when it changed. Where I had to make excuses and avert the topic. Had to ignore the other boys making ‘gay jokes’, had to ignore them accusing each other of being gay as an insult.<br/>
Of course, though, I too wanted to have dates and be with someone, and had some minor crushes here and there, but I never acted on them, because how should I even find someone who was the same as me? And who would then also feel something for me? As far as I had seen it among my peers, this was surly nothing one just.. told other people. </p><p>In my fifth year, there had been.. something. I was still not quite sure what to think about the whole thing, honestly, and we had never really, in all honesty talked about it. It had changed a lot about how I saw myself, and also how I saw others.</p><p>It had been quite late after a long quidditch practice with our old captain Amber Wilson, who had always put up hard training sessions in the weeks leading up to a game. My beater colleague Casper Wilkes and I had been the last ones left in the changing rooms, having had to collect the bludgers, which had not been easy in the darkness of the evening that was already upon us.</p><p>We had hit the showers, standing under the warm spray of the water, relaxing our tensed up muscles.<br/>
Casper had always been an incredibly beautiful person. His dark skin had been littered by freckles and his eyes had been black and deep like the darkest night. He had been tall, muscular, and had had a relaxed casualty that made him very attractive. A lot of girls had been into him, but he never seemed to be really interested. Had always excused his disinterest as being due to him being focused on his marks at school, and quidditch, just as me. </p><p>I remembered looking over him, admiring his face, as he had his eyes closed, when suddenly he opened them, as if he had felt my gaze upon him. </p><p>When he caught me staring, he had not been angry, or disgusted, in contrary, he had smiled slightly and slowly walked over to me, as if he had been testing grounds. It had been.. odd, the whole experience, but it felt so incredible. We had never kissed,  somehow that would’ve been too intimate. But we touched, we used our hands to explore each other, our mouths for different things than kissing. It had never been, what I understood as full blown ‘sex’, but it had been quite close. </p><p>It had not been a regular thing that happened after every quidditch practice, that would also probably have been suspicious. But from time to time, when it was just the two of us left, we were there again, in the showers. It lasted two years, and I had never been quite sure what to think about it. </p><p>Outside of it, we never talked about it. We were a great team on the pitch, two of the best beaters Hogwarts had seen for years. We had even been friends in our day to day life. But we had never discussed what happened in the showers. </p><p>It had been Casper’s seventh year last year. We still wrote each other letters from time to time, but still never talked about what had happened between us. He had started to train as an Auror right after school. He was a half blood, and wanted to help stop the ongoing war, something I found to be admirable. </p><p>I missed him, if I was honest. I’ve never had any deeper feelings for him, but we had been very good friends, and what we had shared had been something special, that I would never forget. The physical aspect of it had also been.. very nice.  </p><p>I managed to calm my breathing, thinking of Casper. I sighed at the memory, wiping tears out of my eyes, remembered his callused hands on my skin, the beautiful contrast in colour between them. His dark eyes looking into my grey ones, while he touched me, our lips close, but never meeting.</p><p>I sighed again, suddenly wishing it to be Remus.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Important Acknowledgements.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Wait, what?<br/>What.. what was that thought?</p><p>I opened my eyes and sat up.<br/>Did I.. did I really just think that? Lupin?</p><p>No, no, no, I couldn’t even think that! Not another crush I had to get over. <br/>Sure, Lupin was sweet and handsome and interesting, but..</p><p>In my head I went through every encounter we had had during the past two weeks. There were not many, but I had enjoyed all of them. I had tried to always make a good impression, and recently got a bit nervous when I was near him. And maybe subconsciously I didn’t want to intimidate Potter at the try-outs, but impress Lupin. And now, today, I had been a nervous mess, when he had looked at me. And told me he liked me. My cheeks had been burning. Our short exchanges in class seemed to be the best part of those classes. </p><p>I groaned and let myself fall back onto my bed. Shite!<br/>Apparently it was true then. Somehow, I had developed a crush on this small, skinny Gryffindor, after only two weeks of talking to him. I really was a mess, wasn’t I? </p><p>And the worst part about it was, that he was friends with Potter, Black and Pettigrew. Who for some reason were apparently out to get me this year. How on earth did I develop a crush on a marauder? </p><p>An even worse thought crossed my mind. I took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves.<br/>Who knew, maybe Potter was not a complete arsehole, and would just.. keep his mouth shut? Even if I could not really believe that. He would tell everyone, he would tell Lupin, and Lupin would probably not talk to me anymore. </p><p>Next to probably a lot of other people. They would think of me as disgusting, and would keep their distance. Maybe I would have to leave the quidditch team. And I didn’t even want to think about what my lovely roommates would do if word got out. <br/>I pulled my pillow over my head and sobbed again.</p><p>One year, one year left. And now, right at the start, I messed it up. I hated everything. I hated Potter for being so bloody smart. I hated Zissa for arranging the date, and I hated Heather for asking me out in the first place. And I hated myself, for being the way I was. </p><p>Hours later, I left the dormitory again when it was already time for dinner. I had hidden in my bed, roughed my hands through my hair and had tried to come up with excuses, explanations and reasons that I could bring up if anyone confronted me, and had ran the worst case scenarios through my head over and over again. Frankly, I didn’t want to go, and face the humiliation, but I had not eaten much for lunch, and I was quite hungry. Going to bed on an empty stomach was never a good idea. </p><p>I hoped that my eyes did not betray me, and no one would notice that I had cried. I had not dared to look into the mirror. Maybe my thick glasses would hide it well enough. I felt a bit pathetic for crying, but on the other hand, my whole future could’ve been at stake here. </p><p>Without daring to look up, with my head held low, I entered the great hall, quickly walking over to the Slytherin table and sitting down next to Regulus and opposite of Edgar, who was in a deep conversation with our new Keeper. <br/>“And how was your date?” Regulus asked as soon as I sat down, his voice somewhat amused, and his eyes focused on his sausages. </p><p>“Good.. well.. Not.. good. I.. if I see Zissa today, I’m going to strangle her for riding me into this.” I hissed and for the first time, dared to look up. Carefully I let my eyes wander over to the Gryffindor table, but noticed that no one was looking over to me.<br/>I dared to think, that maybe Potter really managed to keep his mouth shut. Or he wanted to use this information for something else. Maybe announce it in some big, elaborate prank. A shiver ran down my spine. </p><p>“That sounds bad, what happened?” Reg asked, causing me to return my attention to him.</p><p>“It was not.. bad, bad. It was quite nice actually, and she was really nice, but.. it all went a bit quickly and I think she was trying to kiss me, and.. I am not into her in that way. I guess we would be good friends, but nothing else.” I said frankly. “Basically I just ran.” I shook my head, feeling awful again, before putting a bit of haggis onto my plate. Scottish food usually managed to cheer me up. </p><p>“She wanted to kiss you?” Reg sounded surprised. “And you ran? That would’ve been your chance to get that first kiss over with, mate!” he giggled.</p><p>Yes, he was the one to talk. If that one Ravenclaw girl in his year wouldn’t have had the guts to press her lips against his while dancing at last year’s Yule ball, he would not have had his first kiss either!</p><p>“You know me Reg. You know I want it to be with someone I care about, not some random person.” I mumbled. While it was true, it also always had been an amazing excuse to not just randomly date some girl just to get some experiences. Narcissa thought I was quite conservative, when it came to dating. But I rather had my pureblood friend think that I was conservative, than having her know that I was not into girls. </p><p>“I know, I know. Just saying.” Regulus shrugged, turning his attention back to his food. </p><p>I was not in a talkative mood, so as soon as I had finished my food, I excused myself, leaving Reg and Edgar behind who were discussing the new team line up, and made my way down to the dungeons. I wanted to finish some homework, the essay for Binns had not been a complete lie on my side. There was also too much going on in my head right now, I really did not feel like company right now. As usually, I would just drown out all my worries with schoolwork. Usually that worked splendidly. </p><p>Before reaching the staircase leading down from the entrance hall, I heard a voice calling my last name. I turned around, groaned, and wanted to just continue my way down, when I saw that it was Potter, who had apparently followed me out of the great hall. </p><p>“Alistair! Wait a second, please!” he said, hurrying towards me, and using a moment of hesitation from my side, to move in front of me, thus standing in my way. I sighed deeply and crossed my arms in front of my chest.</p><p>“So that you can laugh some more at me? Good, go on, bring your jokes and insults, so you can sod off again!” I couldn’t look at him. I braced myself for the worst. I was just glad that we were alone in the entry hall.</p><p>Now it was Potter’s turn to sigh. <br/>“No, listen mate.. I.. gosh, you look dreadful.” There was true guilt in his voice. I looked up at him, and as he now probably saw my red eyes, he grimaced. I hated that he saw me this vulnerable. </p><p>Potter furrowed his eyebrow, and it seemed as if he now truly felt bad, seeing what consequences his laughing had had.<br/>“I.. I wanted to apologise, alright? I was just so.. surprised.” He started again, causing me to raise an eyebrow in surprise. Potter never apologised. Not if he was not forced to by a teacher. </p><p>“And before you worry, I’ve not told anyone!” he continued, surprising me even more. “Told Sirius that I thought that your type is Myrtle!” he tried a smile, but I could not quite return it.</p><p>I nodded slowly, chewing my lower lip. I let a breath go I did not know I was holding, pure relief filling my insides. So, he didn’t tell Remus. So, Remus would still talk to me. Was it bad that next to all the other worries I had had, this was the one that had bothered me the most?</p><p>“Thanks.. that is honestly not what I had expected.” I said honestly. </p><p>Potter did not try to defend himself, pursing his lips. He probably knew himself how something like that was handled by most other boys, and how being outed would’ve stigmatised me. <br/>“I’m sorry, really.”</p><p>“Anything else, or can I go?” I then asked, as Potter had not stepped away, to let me continue my way to the common room.</p><p>“Well.. ahm.. are you really.. you know.. gay?” he asked, his voice almost a whisper, even if it wasn’t really necessary, as no one else was in the entrance hall. There was a curious glint in his eyes, which I could not quite place. </p><p>I paused for a moment. I had never.. admitted that to anyone, had never spoken it out loud. I just always thought ‘I’m not into girls’, almost never ‘I’m into boys’. I would not have thought that simply saying it would be so hard.</p><p>“Yes.. I am.” I shifted, my crossed arms more hugging myself than anything else. There it was, I said it. For the first time in my life. It felt.. good, weirdly enough. </p><p>“How long do you know?” Potter seemed honestly curious, and not judging at all. I had really not expected that. </p><p>“I.. I don’t know, I kind of always knew in a way. I mean, how long did you know you’re into girls?”</p><p>“Fair point, makes sense.” Potter smiled slightly. Then, he opened his eyes a bit wider. “Do you have a boyfriend?” he asked.</p><p>“No.” I just came out, without me really thinking about it. “No, I don’t.” I had to think about Remus again. </p><p>“Do you like anyone? From school?” he continued, apparently not realising that he was crossing a line there. We were still not friends, and this was something weird to ask anyone. </p><p>“I.. what? This is none of your business, Potter!” I hissed, hugging myself even more. My heart pounded. He found out I was.. gay already, he mustn’t find out that I had a crush on one of his best friends. </p><p>“So, that is a yes!” he laughed. Shite. I should’ve just said ‘no’ again.</p><p>“I’ve never taken you for such an open-minded person, to be honest.” I tried to change the topic, shaking my head slightly. </p><p>“Why, yes. I am a very tolerant person. Probably why I am in Gryffindor.” He seemed proud. I just rolled my eyes.</p><p>“Can I go now? I really have some homework to do.” I looked down at my run-down shoes again, noticing a fresh stain on the left, probably from the grounds this afternoon. I really could use a good clean, or some repairs. </p><p>“Please tell me who it is!” Potter’s voice sounded pleading, and caused me to look up again instantly. </p><p>“No!”<br/>“Please!”<br/>“No!”<br/>“Oh, come on!”<br/>“No! Why ever should I?”<br/>“Because I didn’t tell anyone about it!”<br/>“Blimey, no! I thought you were such a good person, that is blackmail!”</p><p>Potter sighed, squinting his eyes at me a bit.<br/>“Fair enough.. then I’ll just have to figure it out myself, and I am good at figuring things out!” he grinned, and finally left, returning to the great hall and leaving me at the head of the stairs, not knowing what to think.</p><p>I was frozen in place, my mind racing. There was relief, fear, worry, anxiety and just a wave of dread running through me. After a few minutes, I just shook my head, making my way down to the dungeons to focus my attention at the heap of homework I still had to get through. </p><p>The next few days went by without any major incident, though I was paranoid that Potter would just follow me around to find out who I had a crush on. I was in a weird mood the whole time, and it was hard to focus on anything. </p><p>On Monday I tried and failed not to talk to Remus in class, but rushed away after arithmancy with some excuse, so Potter would not see us walk down the stairs together. </p><p>At lunch Heather had taken a seat opposite of me, and Narcissa threw ‘knowing’ glances my way the whole time. It was a nice lunch, not going to lie, as once again, Heather was a nice person and we had enough in common to strike up good conversations. Although sometimes it seemed to me that she was a bit surprised how different I was from what she had probably expected me to be. </p><p>At least she didn’t try to kiss me again. </p><p>On Wednesday I overheard the bell after lunch break, as I was deep in conversation with Reg about a new broom model that had been announced that morning in the Daily Prophet, and so I ended up being quite late for Muggle studies. </p><p>I apologised to the professor, who still took two points off Slytherin for me being not on time, and sat down at the last empty seat in the back row, once again next to Remus Lupin, my heart beating in my ears when I sat down next to him, and was rewarded with a soft smile. We had a bunch of N.E.W.T. classes together, most of them being the cliché geeky subjects. I had also noticed that when his Gryffindor friends did not take a class, he was usually sitting alone in the back, apparently not having friends outside from his own house. </p><p>I knew that after today, I would probably, just as in arithmancy, try to sit next to him every lesson. It was not even a subconscious decision anymore, I just found myself longing for his company, which of course did nothing for me to get rid of my crush. He didn’t seem to mind me sitting next to him, though, in contrary, he always looked somewhat happy when I dropped down next to him. Or maybe that was just what my head told me. </p><p>“As the bell will ring soon, we will leave it here, as we have now finished the development and evolution of washing technology. Please write an essay about the function and use of washing machines until next week, at least one roll of parchment. Note the importance of electricity and the complications that can arise when combined with magic.” The professor said, as she ended the lesson, looking around the classroom over her tiny, round glasses, staring to pack her books and notes away. </p><p>I slightly groaned in annoyance. I already had tons of homework to do this week, and it was only Wednesday. </p><p>“What’s wrong?” Lupin asked, stopping in his motion of packing his bag.</p><p>“The function of washing machines, blimey. I haven’t even gotten through the Maxwell equations yet, and now a roll of parchment about that? My word!” I sounded more than desperate. That would take me at least two whole afternoons to get through, and I was already behind on the potions assignment we had gotten on Monday. </p><p>“You study the Maxwell equations?” Lupin raised an eyebrow. </p><p>“Well, yes, how else do you understand electricity? The only reason I understand magic is through the theory behind it. Should be the same for the muggle magic, no?” I reasoned.</p><p>The Gryffindor laughed.<br/>“Muggle magic? That’s good!” he shook his head. I felt a dozen butterflies somewhere in my stomach. “I mean, do you need help? My mum’s a muggle, so I know a fair bit about this stuff.” He smiled, continuing to pack his bag. “If you want, we could go to the library and write the essay together, if you don’t have any other classes now?” </p><p>I nodded happily.<br/>“I’m free after this class.” </p><p>Spending time with Lupin and get some help with muggle studies at the same time? Sounded like a jackpot! My heart was racing, but in a good way. </p><p>Together we made our way to the school library and I tried to supress the broad smile that wanted to sneak onto my face. As I said, we had not talked that much since Saturday, only a bit in arithmancy about some new derivation we had just learnt about. <br/>‘You don’t even really know him’ I tried to remind myself, but could not bring myself to just swallow the crush down. </p><p>Maybe it was how nice he looked, maybe it was his kind smile, or maybe it was the fact that he had a lot of the same weird interests as me, but he seemed just.. dreamy. Thinking of the scrawny nerd with the scarred face as ‘dreamy’ was something probably not many people could relate to, but I didn’t care. </p><p>We sat down on a table near a shelf full of books about muggles and muggle technology, and Remus immediately started to pull out a few thick books, putting them down onto the table in front of me.</p><p>“I know you like maths, so maybe going through the science behind it really is the best approach. Also, an approach Professor Tomson probably has not seen before.” Remus explained, sitting down next to me, and opening one of the thick volumes. </p><p>Him knowing I liked maths, once again, sent butterflies through my stomach.</p><p>Electricity, the Maxwell equations in their light form, machines, muggle science and other topics were covered pretty quickly, although I took a note to borrow one of the books to read in more detail, and Remus and I started to go through certain chapters, starting at the beginning of the more complex muggle inventions.</p><p>Seeing it combined with the sciences next to it, and most importantly, explained to me with mathematics, I slowly started to understand it. This was why I was glad to still take muggle studies in my last year. We only learnt about the magical forces and how to explain those, but all the other ones seemed just so important, if not even more important. Again, the electromagnetic force was basically muggle magic. <br/>And some idiots still thought muggles were dumb, when frankly they were far more advanced than we were. </p><p>We started to work on our essays, read important paragraphs out to each other from the books Remus had gathered, and made a few jokes here and there. Two times madam Pince had to remind us to be quiet, after we could not help ourselves and stop giggling after another silly joke. </p><p>We wrote the whole essay, and I finally really understood what I had written down. It was quite a technical essay, but I hoped that the professor would be a bit impressed by my efforts. Or rather our efforts</p><p>It was already the late afternoon, when Remus and I left the library together, standing on the corridor for a moment.</p><p>“I could do with some fresh air, after all of that.” I grinned, loosening my tie a bit. Nervousness crept up my spine, as I prepared to ask something else. </p><p>“Honestly, me too.” Remus nodded in agreement.</p><p>“Do you fancy to go out to the grounds? It is still quite warm today.” I suggested, my heart racing as I spoke.</p><p>Lupin agreed, and I was barely able to contain my excitement. We made our way through the castle and out to the grounds, sitting down close to the lake on our robes, soaking in the sun and the fresh air. </p><p>“And, where do you live?” Remus asked, the sun hitting his pale face. My heart skipped a small beat at the personal question, as since our very first conversation this year, most of the things we had talked about were only school related. </p><p>“Even if my accent is probably a dead giveaway, I’m from Northern Ireland. A small village near the coast, called Dunseverick, right at the sea. Quite tiny really, and mostly full of witches and wizards, but it was nice growing up there. You?”</p><p>“In Llanrwst, in Wales.” He shrugged.</p><p>“Yea, figured that. You sound pretty welsh. But I think I know that village, I was there once.”</p><p>“Really?” Lupin sounded quite surprised. “Why? When?”</p><p>“Two or three years ago, I think. My sister moved out and looked at a house there.” I smiled. “It was nice enough, but she then got a flat in Nottingham. Seems that she prefers the city life a bit more after all.”</p><p>Remus laughed, his fingers playing with the grass in front of him. I noticed a few fifth years from Ravenclaw who sat a few metres away from us, from time to time looking over to us. Lupin also seemed to notice, apparently not very fond of the attention, just as I. Still, this was a way nicer lake-date than the one I had had with Heather.</p><p>I knew, it was probably not a good idea to think of this as a date, but the thought alone made me feel giddy. This would end in heartbreak, I already knew it.</p><p>“Do you have any other siblings who want to become my neighbours?” Remus then asked, turning his attention to me again.</p><p>“No, sorry, just my sister. But I’ve got grandparents living in Hogsmeade.” I said.</p><p>“Really? Now that is useful!” </p><p>I nodded.<br/>“How about you? Any siblings?”</p><p>Remus shrugged, looking out at the lake. <br/>“No, it’s just me. I don’t have that much of a big family, and the one I have I don’t see very often either. Most of the wizard side are living in Belgium, and my aunt form the muggle side has moved down to Jersey with her family.”</p><p>“That is a pity.” I Just said, not knowing what else to say. I leaned back, finally just lying down on the grass, taking my glasses off and putting them onto my stomach.</p><p>“You really don’t see anything without them, do you?” Remus sounded a bit amused, probably remembering me squinting around as he had dragged me up to the hospital wing on the first day of school. </p><p>“Nah, don’t see shite without them. Shapes and colours, yes of course, and even details if someone is close enough, but that is about it. I have five dioptre after all.” I sighed, crossing my arms behind my head. “When I look at you now, for example, you are mostly just a pale shape in front of blue.” </p><p>Remus laughed. <br/>“Did you always have that bad of an eyesight?”</p><p>“As far as I can remember, yes. Sadly, there is only so much magic can do, so I’ll have to wear these. It was far worse when I was a child.” I shrugged. I tried not to think about all the visits to St. Mungos, where medi-wizards had cast various spells at my eyes, which made them feel weird, to improve my vision.</p><p>“Can I look through?” Remus asked, his voice a bit shy.</p><p>“Sure.” I said, holding my breath when Remus reached for them, his fingers slightly brushing my chest. </p><p>“Wow, you are even blinder than James.” The boy said, and I had to laugh.</p><p>“Shite, I had hoped that he was just as blind as I was.” I shook my head. Remus handed me my glasses back, and we settled for a silence. It was not an awkward silence, but a comfortable one, as we both sat in the sun. </p><p>“What do you want to do, after school’s over?” Lupin then asked, a slightly weird tone in his voice. Usually I was the talkative one, and it made me happy that he had such an active part in our conversation. That he was interested and asking questions. It felt nice. </p><p>“Frankly, in the perfect world I’d want to be a quidditch player or be a broom maker or something. That is like, my passion, even if my mum says I should do something better with my life. As it is thought… I am working towards being a curse breaker, or if everything fails, still being a clerk at Gringotts or something, as I’m good with numbers.” I sighed. “But honestly, I try to avoid thinking about it. Everything outside of Hogwarts just sounds.. scary at the moment, with everything going on. What about you?” </p><p>“I don’t really know, maybe something at the ministry? Thought about studying at Oxford or Cambridge too, either history or defensive magic.” He shrugged, probably looking at the lake, but I could not really tell without my glasses on. “In the times we live in, defensive magic probably is the better option here.” </p><p>I wanted to say something, but someone calling my name interrupted me.<br/>“Liam! Hey, Liam!” I suddenly heard a girl’s voice calling my name. Recognising who it was, I groaned. Why must she, even though she surely did not know that she was, ruin my date here. </p><p>“By Merlin, tell her I’m dead.” I grimaced.</p><p>“Who’s that?” Lupin sounded confused, while I put on my glasses and got up.</p><p>“Her name is Heather, she is.. trying to get me go out with her since the quidditch try-outs. I.. would it be very rude of me to ask you to make an escape with me?” I wanted to continue to spend time with Remus, not have Heather sit with us and.. just being there. </p><p>“Well, rude towards her, yes.”</p><p>“Well, that I really don’t care about right now!” I jumped up, pretending to not have heard the girl, hurrying over to the castle, Remus close behind me.</p><p>“What did she do to you?” Remus whispered, seemingly amused by the whole situation, after I had pulled him into a shaded, hidden corner next to the castle gates. </p><p>“She.. didn’t do anything really. Last Saturday at lunch she came over and talked to me, and Narcissa thought she had to set up a date for us.. still have to kill her for that, by the way.” I shook my head.</p><p>“Was the date that bad?” the Gryffindor tilted his head. I blushed slightly.</p><p>“No, it was actually really nice. The thing is just.. I’m not interested in her that way.” I stammered, but Remus seemed to understand. “Psst, there she is!” I pushed Remus further into the shade. </p><p>My hand started to tingle as it pressed against Lupin’s chest, so I dropped it quickly, feeling my ears turn deep red. We watched Heather arrive at the stairs leading up to the gates, a pout on her pretty lips and a friend at her side.</p><p>“He just.. left.” She seemed really disappointed. And once again, I felt really, really awful. “We had such a nice conversation on Monday, why would he just leave like that?”</p><p>I pressed my eyes closed, as more guilt washed over me. </p><p>“Don’t worry, I bet he just did not hear you! He’s got some N.E.W.T. class now, I bet he just left because he realised he was late! You said yourself he is a huge nerd! You two would be so cute together, he is just super shy!” her friend consoled her with a smile, putting her arm around Heather and pulled her inside the castle gates.</p><p>Remus next to me giggled silently. I took a deep breath.</p><p>“Remus, please promise me one thing: if you ever see me alone with this girl, please come up with any excuse as to why I’ve got to come with you right that second, alright?”</p><p>“Will do.” He still giggled. “But why don’t you just tell her that you’re not interested.” </p><p>“Well..” he had me there. I blushed. “I just hate confrontation. And I don’t want to embarrass her. I feel bad about it as it is, and I don’t want to deal with it. Yes, I am a bad person, Slytherin after all.” </p><p>Lupin laughed again, petting my arm.<br/>“You are not a bad person, Liam, but maybe there is a reason why you are not in Gryffindor.” </p><p>I had to grin at his words, happy that he called me Liam and not Alistair. </p><p>We only said goodbye after entering the great hall, when we had to go to out separate house tables. We had spent another half an hour or so sitting in the shade next to the castle gates, before it had been time for dinner. I sat down next to Edgar and the rest of the Slytherin quidditch team, and still had a nice and fuzzy feeling in my chest. </p><p>The rest of September went by pretty quickly and with October came the rain. Fall was upon us, and the trees on the grounds and in the forbidden forest turned in wonderful shades of yellow, orange, and red, causing me to take many walks during my free afternoons, or sitting down outside on dry days, wrapped up in a thick cloak, to read. </p><p>Remus and I had started to spend all of our Wednesday afternoons together, studying for muggle studies, and sometimes other subjects. I found out that the Gryffindor team always had practice on Wednesday afternoons, which explained why Remus wasn’t with his friends. </p><p>I learnt a lot about Remus in this time, found out about his love for chocolate, his love for muggle music, and about the fact that maybe he wasn’t always the nice, well behaved prefect everyone thought he was. He told me about pranks they had pulled in the past, and what excuses they had come up with to get away with them. </p><p>Saturdays at 7 am Edgar had scheduled the Slytherin quidditch practice, each session starting with a rather brutal workout sessions, as Ed was apparently eager to win the cup this year. The game against Ravenclaw, which would be the weekend after Halloween, he wanted to win, whatever the cost.</p><p>On Thursday afternoons I met up with the ancient runes club. It consisted of a lot of different years and houses, to help each other with ancient runes homework, discuss old texts we had read and translated spells found on way stones and graves all over Europe. Which was right up my alley way!</p><p>Regulus often teased me about how geeky it was to be part of the ancient runes club, which was unsurprisingly dominated by Ravenclaws, but I didn’t care, as I liked all the people there, and I liked to work on my homework in a group of people who all wanted to be there. Also, tutoring the younger students was always kind of fun, and it made me feel as if I was useful. Seeing the sparkle in some kids eye when they finally understood something after I had explained it to them? That was priceless!</p><p>Heather joined me for lunch more often now, usually when I was not sitting with the quidditch team, but only with Reg or Zissa. It was awful knowing that she still had her hopes up, but I could not bring myself to just reject her. Also, it did not help that I got along with her so well. And as we obviously had quite a good chemistry, I was horrified that if I just straight up rejected her, people would start to ask questions, I really didn’t want to answer.</p><p>I still tried to avoid being alone with her as best as I could, and so far, it had worked. </p><p>In the third week of October the first Hogsmeade weekend of the school year was scheduled. I went down to the village to visit my grandparents who, as always, were very excited about my visit and fed me way more food than I was able to eat. They both had been Hufflepuffs in school, and it showed. </p><p>Potter gladly did not try to talk to me, and it seemed as if he had really kept my secret to himself.<br/>I had to say that maybe I had misjudged the Gryffindor, but I was just glad that my worst fear had not come true.</p><p>By the end of October, Remus had already been sick twice, and looked really horrible the days after. He seemed to have a really weak immune system, and so I took one free Tuesday afternoon to brew him a pepper-up potion, which I gave him the next day, when we were once again studying in the library together.</p><p>“Wow.. cheers!” he smiled brightly, looking at the phial after I had told him what it was. </p><p>“I thought you might need it.” I just said, scratching the back of my head. “And I need my study partner to be fit.” I joked. As good as an excuse as any. </p><p>Before I could even realise what was happening, Remus had pulled me into a tight hug. It was short, but it made my heart stop for a moment. I must’ve looked quite startled, as he just laughed and petted my shoulder.</p><p>“With this, I can truly say that I will forget all my biases concerning Slytherins.” He laughed, and I had to join in. </p><p>“Does that mean you still had some, after I was such a splendid example of my house over the past weeks?” I pretended to be scandalised which gave me a chance to overplay my excitement because of the hug. Remus just shook his head.</p><p>He started to say something, but suddenly madam Pince appeared in front of us, an angry glare in her stern eyes.</p><p>“Alistair! Lupin! I’m done with the two of you today! Leave, or I will not hesitate to take points off both of your house!” she growled, and Remus and I, not keen to lose any points, quickly gathered our stuff and left the library. </p><p>“Someone has had a bad day.” I said, as we stood in the corridor in front of the library.</p><p>“It seems as if she always has a bad day, every day.” Lupin frowned. It was obvious that he was not used to being thrown out of the library. In on the other hand, had. Although usually late in the evening, when I was sent to bed by the librarian. </p><p>“Well, we have a free afternoon it seems.” I pointed out, as without the books we would need for our research, there was not much to do for muggle studies this week. </p><p>“As I thought we will spend most of the time looking up muggle folklore, I did not plan anything else to be honest.. but now..” he didn’t finish his sentence and looked right into my dark grey eyes. I could not turn mine away from his amber ones, so we just stood there in silence, simply looking at each other. I heard the sound of my own heartbeat in my ears. </p><p>“Oh, Liam, there you are!” I heard a voice behind us, suddenly breaking the spell, and causing the both of us to turn to Narcissa, who hurried over to us with a smile on her face.</p><p>“You won’t believe it, but Lucius just asked me to go to the Halloween fest with him!” she jumped towards me more than she was walking, and I could not remember seeing her any happier. </p><p>“That’s great!” I managed to bring out. It did not really sound all that sincere. <br/>And I could totally believe that he had asked her, as he had told Lestrange his plan to ask her out yesterday in the dorms. </p><p>Apparently, she had just noticed Remus standing behind me. <br/>“Oh, I didn’t want to interrupt anything.” She said a bit sheepishly. </p><p>“No problem, we were just leaving the library anyways.” Remus smiled friendly.</p><p>“You’re Lupin, right? Sirius’ friend?” </p><p>Remus nodded.</p><p>“I would tell you to tell him I said ‘hi’, but I know he does not talk to me anymore.” She shrugged. It was sad to see how Sirius had cut out his many cousins, and his brother, but on the other hand I could totally understand him. </p><p>There was just a sad smile on Remus lips, but he did not say anything. Narcissa also did not seem to expect a reply, as she turned back to me.</p><p>“Lee, we’ve got to meet after dinner, and I will tell you everything in detail! See you!” she grinned again, before walking along the corridor, headed for the great stairs.</p><p>Once again, I hoped that Lucy would not have a bad influence on her. Corrupt her. She was so nice and positive, even if she had some prejudices I did not care for. I once had a discussion with her, about her opinion on how magical blood thins out if you mix with muggles, and we did not talk to each other almost a month after that. </p><p>“Lee?” Remus asked, raising an eyebrow. </p><p>“Ahm.. yes.” I blushed, though I was not sure why. “A nickname if you like. After I started to call her Zissa - because let’s be honest here, Narcissa is just way too long - she thought she had to make up a short version of my, already really short name too. Reg also started to call me that, so it caught on, I suppose. Whatever.. You’ve got one too, have you not? I noticed your friends call you Moony?”</p><p>Lupin seemed nervous at me mentioning his nickname, blushed too and nodded. <br/>“Yes, we all have those silly nicknames.. Marauder thing I suppose.” He scratched the back of his head, and I noticed he wanted to drop the topic. Even though I was curious why, I changed the subject. </p><p>“Even if dear Zissa caused a wee bit of distraction, we’ve still got no idea for the afternoon, have we now?” I asked, folding my hands, and raising them up to my chin in thought. “What do you think about a round of chess?” I didn’t want to say goodbye for today already. Wednesday had become my favourite day of the week.</p><p>“Sounds great! I love chess!” Remus smiled, and once again a few butterflies threw a small party in my stomach area. </p><p>We went to the seventh floor and Remus headed to the Gryffindor common room, which was, as I now found out, hidden behind the portrait of the fat lady, to get his chess figures, while I waited for him to come back out. A few Gryffindor students walked by, eyeing me suspiciously. </p><p>When he returned, we descended the stairs, and entered the great hall, where at this time only a hand full of students were sitting around, not always on their own house tables, either talking or doing their homework, while the tables were full of bowls of crisps and fruit, and kettles with freshly brewed tea. </p><p>The first game didn’t take long, as I was truly horribly bad at chest. Although I loved to play and watch the small figures beat each other down at my command, I had never in my whole life won even a single game. The ‘tips’ my figures yelled at me usually only confused me even more. </p><p>“Don’t send me there! I’m a knight! You can’t just replace me that easily! But there, the rook! He’s done for anyways, you can sacrifice him!” one of the small figures squeaked, followed by another angry yell of said rook. I rolled my eyes.</p><p>“Is he right?” I asked a giggling Remus, who just shrugged, while I successfully ignored the ‘Of course you dimwit!’ coming from the knight.</p><p>I pursed my lips and leaned back a bit.<br/>“Oh, come on Remus. A small tip won’t ruin your great success!” I winked at him, causing him to blush. I really enjoyed that, even though that move had been more risky than anything I had just done at chess. </p><p>“Ok, alright, just this once.” He studied the board, trying to supress a smile, until he finally nodded. “Yes, he is right.” </p><p>“Cheers!” I smiled and did what the figure had told me to. I still lost, though. </p><p>Despite me losing over and over again, it was great fun to play with Remus. I only got competitive when it was about quidditch, and the glances Remus and I threw each other were more rewarding than any victory could ever be. </p><p>In the back of my head, a small voice yelled at me, that this whole thing was a mistake. Hanging out with Remus all the time only made me develop more and more feelings for him, and at this point, it was even a bit more than a small crush anymore. </p><p>I used to have crushes, it was nothing new, but it was never on people I had much contact with, and so they were easy to forget. Someone in a rival quidditch team, the Slytherin prefect three years ago, that one shopkeeper in Hogsmeade.. they were all easy to get over. Now, on the other hand, I started to fall in love. And that would hurt.</p><p>After the fifth game, where I suggested to just hex the figures mute, which caused them to scream out in outrage, the first few students entered the hall for dinner. <br/>Remus packed the set of chess into his bag, and we talked a few more minutes, before I finally managed to say goodbye, to go over to the Slytherin table, grinning from one ear to the other.</p><p>Gladly none of Remus friends had been at the table when I left, I really did not want to make it too obvious to Potter who the person was, that I was into. And if he would’ve seen how I looked at his friend, he would surly have guessed who my crush was. </p><p>I had to admit, I often caught myself looking over to the Gryffindor table after the food had appeared, where I watched Remus emptying the pepper-up potion I had given him into his pumpkin juice. </p><p>The great hall filled with students, and I saw Zissa coming in, arm in arm with Lucy, sitting down at the Slytherin table together with Malfoy’s friends Phillip Crabbe and Anthony Goyle. Both Crabbe and Goyle had initially been in my year, but had had to repeat their fifth year, as they had failed all of their O.W.L. exams. That was what inbreeding for thicker magic blood brought you. An argument Zissa had slapped me for. </p><p>I put a bit of mashed potato onto my plate, pushing it around, not feeling very hungry. The swarm of butterflies inside my stomach seemed to take up all the space in there already. </p><p>“Did someone put Felix Felicis in your tea, or why are you grinning like that?” Regulus asked, as he sat down opposite of me. I flinched slightly, as I had watched Remus with a dreamy expression on my face, who was taking a bite off some chips. </p><p>“What?” I asked a bit dumbfounded, blinking at my best friend who started to laugh. Gladly, he apparently thought I had just started into nothingness. </p><p>“What’s up with you today, mate?” he put heaps of vegetables onto his plate. </p><p>“I’m just in a really good mood.” I admitted, not able to supress a broad smile.</p><p>“I see.” Reg raised an eyebrow at me. “Specific reason for that?” he crooked his head, amused by my unusually elevated spirits. </p><p>“Hmm.. maybe.” I just said, resting my chin onto my hand, oblivious to the fact that I had just put my elbow into the mashed potatoes I had put onto my plate earlier. </p><p>“Merlin’s beard, if I didn’t know better, I’d think someone gave you a love potion.” He raised his second eyebrow. </p><p>I just sighed, my grey eyes staring up towards the bewitched ceiling.<br/>“Maybe..” I repeated, the smile figuratively glued to my face.</p>
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<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Quidditch and Muggle Music.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW use of alcohol</p><p>in general, there is also use of alcohol in future chapters, but never misuse. also, as the drinking where i come from is legal with 16, and wizards are of age with 17, it is not underage drinking, i think. so just the usual young people drinking kind of drinking.</p><p>it is a left over from the 10 year old version of this story, where i still drank alcohol, which i cannot do anymore due to health reasons, so any descriptions are based on memories i had of being drunk, so they might not be 100% accurate</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Halloween was upon us, and the whole castle was decorated with glowing pumpkins and fake spider webs, which were in perfect harmony with all the real spider webs. Peeves had let go of a whole swarm of life bats somewhere on the third floor, and the ghosts of Hogwarts were in their element. </p><p>The feast in the evening was as always quite something to behold, with sweets and candy of all kind, and food that was even better than usually. Flying pumpkins illuminated the great hall, instead of flying candles, and a few ghosts recreated the murder for one of them, for everyone who stood still long enough to watch. </p><p>The Slytherin quidditch team all sat together, and celebrated the upcoming game against Ravenclaw, with a few bottles of Butterbeer I had bought in Hogsmeade, enjoying the evening thoroughly. There was excitement in the air, and I very much looked forward to the game. </p><p>Narcissa was sitting at the end of the table together with Lucius, thoroughly happy and looking at Malfoy as if he was the most precious thing in the whole universe. While I was quite disgusted by this, I could not supress the thought that I wished that sometime someone would look at me like that. </p><p>Sunday after Halloween, the game finally took place.<br/>Thankfully, the weather was not too bad, and it did not rain. But it was noticeable that November was upon us, as clouds covered the sky, and a cold wind blew under all of our green robes, as we went out onto the pitch. </p><p>Edgar and the captain of the Ravenclaw team shook hands, and we rose into the air. The stands and tribunes were packed with students, wrapped up in their cloaks and scarfs, to protect them against the biting cold wind. </p><p>As soon as Madam Hooch gave the start signal, I was in my element. I flew around the stadium, hitting one bludger after the other at the chasers of the Ravenclaw team. Septima and I worked really well together, and both our playing styles turned out to be quite a challenge for the other team. With our new members this year we had quite a strong line up, and thanks to Edgar's rigorous training we worked together like clockwork. </p><p>I flung one of the metal balls into the side of a Ravenclaw chaser, who dropped the quaffle right into Owen’s arms, who consequently scored a goal, receiving cheers from the Slytherins below.</p><p>I let my eyes wander over the tribunes for a moment, where I could make out three girls, one of them being Heather, who, despite the cold, wore bright green T-shirts, my name and my number – five - written onto them. By Merlin. <br/>I cringed and forced myself to look away. </p><p>I dodged a bludger, one of the other beaters had flung at me, crossing the stadium and turning with a drift, just in time to direct the other bludger right into the face of a chaser, who held onto the quaffle. </p><p>I could not supress a laugh, and felt like a true cliché to my house, considering how much I enjoyed this. Beater was just, hands down, the best position in quidditch, even though it was also one of the most dangerous. A bludger in the face, broken bones here and there, those things were nothing out of the ordinary.</p><p>On one of the tribunes, sitting alone without his friends between the Slytherins, I suddenly noticed Remus, who looked up towards me. In his hand I could make out a small Slytherin flag, which he waved at me with a smile when he noticed me looking back at him. My heart skipped a beat.<br/>Now if that wasn’t a motivation for me to play even harder, I didn’t know what was!</p><p>I laughed again, this time full of excitement. I leaned forward, accelerating my broom, putting my full attention at the bludgers, which not only awarded me with a lot of cheers from my own house, but also granted me a few acknowledging words from the commentator.</p><p>“Alistair seems to be in top notch shape this season! All the hard training of the Slytherin team pays off here, even though many think of his style as too brutal! In only a few weeks, he and his new beater colleague Septima Nowakowski have become a dangerous combination!” </p><p>After almost three hours, Slytherin won 280 to 90, when Reg finally caught the snitch. Midst cheers and shouts we landed, hugging each other so that we ended up being just a great, green heap of robes, when the other Slytherin students came down to the pitch, next to a few teachers. </p><p>“And that was just the beginning, lads!” Edgar shouted over our celebration, and I was not sure if he meant the victory, or if this was a threat. He looked as if he was close to tears, hugging everyone around him. I playfully hit him on the shoulder, before high-fiving Septima. </p><p>“Alistair?” I heard the voice of professor Slughorn behind me, and turned around, a grin still on my face. But I froze. Behind Slughorn was no one else than…</p><p>“I suppose you know Ludo Bagman, from the Wimborne Wasps? He is one of my old students, and I managed to talk him into watching this wonderful game with me.” Slughorn looked especially happy with himself and the world, stroking his moustache with a smile. </p><p>In our fifth year, when we had the career talk with our heads of house, I had told Slughorn about my dire with to be a professional player. I had also told him about my favourite team, and my role model, who was now standing in front of me. Slughorn had a very knowing smile on his face, and it was obvious that him inviting Bagman to this game had not been just a nice coincidence. </p><p>“It’s such a pleasure to meet you, sir! Such an honour! You’re my role model! I don’t know what to say!” I brought out after a few seconds of shock and shook Bagman’s strong hand. His fingers were calloused, and I had to admit, he was incredibly good looking. I was not lying when I would say that this man had quite a big part in me fully realising that I was not into girls. </p><p>The blond man laughed and petted my shoulder. <br/>“Nice to hear that boy! You are a fine player!” my grin only expanded at his words.</p><p>“Thank you, sir!” I felt as if I was glowing. Then, I simply could not hold myself back. “I know, this might be a silly question, but could you sign my bat?” I asked hopefully, causing Bagman to laugh once again.</p><p>“But of course!” he took out his wand, taking my bat with his free hand, before he ran his tip over the wood, where it left a silver, engraved signature. I could not believe my luck.</p><p>“Listen, lad, if you continue like this, you should really think about being a professional. I’m sure there is a spot for you in one of the British teams.” He added, handing back my bat.</p><p>“I do, sir!” Bagman smiled, happy about my excited expression, and petted my shoulder again. Behind him I could see Slughorn’s own grin expanding, and I realised that he had been the one who had put that thought into Bagman’s head. </p><p>The famous beater then turned to other players, and other students who wanted to talk to him, obviously loving the attention his fame brought him. <br/>He congratulated Owen, also telling him to focus on a career in sports, and then the rest of my team, wished the Ravenclaw team good luck for their next game, and finally turned back to Slughorn. </p><p>“Well, Horace, it was great to be here again, and thank you for introducing me to so many young talents. I’m afraid I must leave now, Holly has set up a training session for tonight, and you know how it is with her. But keep an eye on those two boys there, they have great talent!” Bagman pointed at me and Edgar, before shaking the professor’s hand. He waved everyone, signed a few more parchments and books, and then left the pitch.</p><p>I turned to the head of my house.<br/>“Professor, I.. I can’t tell you how thankful I am for introducing me to Ludo Bagman!” I breathed, shaking my head. I could not grasp what has just happened. Maybe I was just hallucinating, maybe a bludger had hit me in the head?</p><p>“Don’t even mention it Liam!” he waved it off. “I just want to support talent when I see it, nothing more. We can talk more about it at the next Slug-Club meeting.” He winked, before pushing through the crowd, which was not really easy, considering his fairly large stomach.</p><p>The slug-club? I was invited to the slug-club? I could faint. Until now only Regulus had been invited from our team, most certainly because of who his family was. </p><p>“We won, mate! We did it!” Regulus sang into my ear, who had put his arms around my neck from behind.</p><p>“I just met Ludo Bagman!” I grinned, still not believing it. Regulus laughed. “And I was invited to the slug-club.”</p><p>“I saw that! Maybe you’re going to be his successor! I think that is what Slughorn is aiming for, considering he also invited you to the club.” </p><p>Of course, there was a great party in the Slytherin common room after the game, and Owen was quite in the centre of attention. Winning your first game as a brand new quidditch captain was a great success, and I was also really proud of him. </p><p>Reg, Septima and I sat together, drinking butter beer, and talking, and it was very late when the prefects ushered all of us to bed. </p><p>Even the ever worsening weather could not bring Edgar from scheduling training sessions, even during heavy rain, freezing cold, and even some slight hail. <br/>I was happy to not catch a cold, but had to wear my thick, woollen quidditch jumper to every training session. </p><p>Remus helped me research a spell to make my glasses repel the water, so I could at least see when we were training, and expressed his worry that Edgar might be losing his mind, now that Bagman had motivated him so much. </p><p>One thing was clear though, I spent most Saturdays after the training drinking hot tea, and wearing far too many layers of clothing to feel warm again. </p><p>After our victory over Ravenclaw, I unfortunately got even more attention from Heather, and felt the eyes of other girls on me too. Being complimented by Ludo Bagman apparently made me even ‘cooler’, and it was even harder to avoid meeting her alone, especially because Narcissa tended to tell her where I was, so she could talk to me. </p><p>It was late November, Saturday morning, and a mixture of rain and snow made the quidditch pitch both incredibly muddy and slightly frozen. I had slipped and fallen three times, and my robes looked more brown than green by now. </p><p>“If you want a new beater, you know, you could just tell me, Ed.” I only half joked, shaking my head as we finally returned to the warmth of the changing rooms, where I took off my quidditch glasses to wipe them clean of mud and ice on my jumper. I decided to ask Remus to help me find another spell, so those things also repelled dirt. </p><p>“We’ve got to be ready! If it is raining during our next match, we can at least handle it!” Owen petted my shoulder. Maybe he was really going insane. </p><p>“If we have not died of pneumonia by then..” Regulus shot in, pushing past us to get to his locker. </p><p>“Our next game is in March! There won’t be snow and ice then!” Agnes groaned, but Edgar ignored her. </p><p>The girls of our team usually showered first. Owen and our new keeper Prashin generally didn’t want to wait around, so they changed and headed up to the castle, to shower in the dorms. <br/>Reg and I though had decided to just wait, as no power in this universe could drag either of us out into the cold, still freezing and wet from the training, without having a hot shower first to warm up.  </p><p>Finally, Septima and our two chasers left the shower rooms, so Reg and I went in, warming up under the hot water. </p><p>“And have you done anything about that secret crush of yours?” Reg asked shampooing his head.</p><p>“What?” I was a bit confused, as I had not talked with him about that topic at all, never even mentioned anything like it.</p><p>“Your crush. Mate, I’m not dead from the neck up, I know you’re into someone.” He giggled. “It can’t be Heather, you’re avoiding her quite successfully recently.” </p><p>“Don’t remind me of Heather, blimey.” I shook my head, sighing as the hot water warmed my cold skin. </p><p>“So, who is she?” Reg pressed on.</p><p>“Who is who?” I tried, hoping he would just be too annoyed with me and drop it. But obviously, he didn’t. </p><p>Regulus threw me a look, though it was hard to tell without my glasses on. <br/>“Don’t you think you’re getting away with that today, Lee. Every time I ask you why you are so giddy you just doge my questions. And some days you’re just grinning silly, ignoring everyone around you. Zissa even asked me if you’ve taken something!” </p><p>That shocked me a bit. But I tried to play it off. <br/>“Why would I take something? I am very much against drugs!” I tutted, shaking my head.</p><p>“Liam. Mate. I’m your best friend, I know something is up. Why don’t you tell me?” he turned towards me.</p><p>I sighed deeply, looking down at the tiled floor. <br/>Why must everyone care about that this year? I had been far too obvious, far too caught up in the daydream that was this whole thing with Remus. I should have never let it get so far. It was my own bloody fault though, which made it even worse. My last year of school, and I had to fuck it up because of a boy. A boy who was not even interested in me that way. </p><p>“Liam?” I heard Reg’s voice, but shook my head, turning off the water.</p><p>“Just.. leave it, alright? You wouldn’t understand..” I said grimly, grabbing my towel and leaving the shower room. I put on my glasses and started to get dressed. As I was a about to close the buttons of my jeans, Regulus suddenly pushed me around, pressing me against my locker with my back. I was a bit startled at that, I had not expected Reg to take this so seriously.</p><p>“Liam! We’re friends for almost six years! I thought we could tell each other everything!” his eyebrows were furrowed, but I could not meet his eyes. </p><p>My heart started to pound in my chest, and anxiety crept up my back, causing my whole skin to tingle uncomfortably. </p><p>“I’m just.. I’m just afraid, ok?” I admitted, my voice breaking. Losing my best friend over this.. no I couldn’t.</p><p>“Why are you afraid? What are you afraid of?” his voice was a lot softer now, and still laced with confusion. </p><p>“That you..” I swallowed. “that you won’t be able to look me in the eyes after that.” I admitted. </p><p>Regulus moved back a bit at my words, but his hand was still at my shoulder. I could feel him hesitating, before he actively tried to make me look at him.<br/>“I’ll always be able to look you in the eyes, mate.” He did just that, he looked right into my eyes, to prove his words. “You know I would help you bury any corpse. So, what is going on?” </p><p>I almost had to chuckle at his words, but the situation was way too serious for that. <br/>“I..” I bit my lower lip. Should I tell him? Was this the right moment? Here, half naked in the changing rooms, after we had just taken a shower together? But I knew Regulus, he would not simply give up now, and he would not let me move an inch, without telling him what was up. And by Merlin, I could not think up any lie to tell him instead. </p><p>“Yes?” Regulus asked, his voice soft and low, trying to urge me to speak on. </p><p>“I am..” I took a deep breath. ‘Liam, you can do this!’ I told myself, and swallowed again, before pressing my eyes shut as if bracing for impact, and just letting it out. “I’m gay.”</p><p>There it was. Out of my own mouth. For the first time ever.<br/>I just had told my quite conservative best friend that I liked men, and for the first time had fully admitted that to myself. I was gay. </p><p>A moment went by, neither of us moved nor said a word.<br/>“Ahm..” I finally heard Regulus, and despite my expectations, his hand was still on my shoulder. He did not back away, did not hit me, did not insult me, or tell me how disgusting I was. Nothing like that.</p><p>I slowly dared to open my eyes and saw Reg who scratched the back of his head. <br/>“To be.. to be frank, that comes a bit unexpected.” Finally, he dropped his arm, only to pull me towards one of the benches in the changing room to sit down. “You never seemed.. gay.” He admitted. </p><p>“How does one seem gay?” I asked. Then I got what he meant. “Oh.. well. Rude stereotype if you ask me.” The thought made me uncomfortable. </p><p>“How long did you know?” Regulus spoke up again, probably sensing that I tensed up. His face had a serious expression, and he honestly seemed curious. </p><p>“I kind of.. always knew? Sort of?” I said. “It was just always like this.” </p><p>“Figures, I suppose. And you’ve kept it a secret? All this time?” he continued. He seemed understanding, but also a bit hurt that I had kept this rather massive secret from him. As he said, we usually could tell each other everything. </p><p>“Yes.. I.. you know how it is, that is not something that.. you just tell people, right? And now with all that dating stuff and with Heather running after me..” I rubbed over my face. “Potter found out.. but he swore to not tell anyone.” </p><p>“Gosh, mate, I’m sorry.” Regulus put his hand on my shoulder again. “Somehow, I wish you told me earlier, just so you don’t have to carry that around with you like that. But I understand. Frankly, knowing how I was three years ago, I would probably have reacted a bit differently.”</p><p>I was glad for his honestly and told him so. <br/>There was a moment of silence between us.</p><p>“Do you.. do you have any.. you know.. experiences?” he then asked carefully. </p><p>I blushed hard, which was enough of an answer for Reg. He had to chuckle. <br/>“And telling me that you’ve never had your first kiss, mate, you lied to me!”</p><p>“Well, I.. we never kissed.” I admitted, growing even redder in the face. “There was.. other stuff… but no kissing.” I must’ve looked like an overripe tomato. </p><p>Regulus eyebrows were raised high, and he had to clear his throat.<br/>“Wow, ah.. who was it, if you don’t mind me asking?” </p><p>I thought about it a second, not sure if I should out him in front of Reg or not. But I trusted my best friend, and trusted him to keep that secret. He had just proven to me, that he would not react badly.</p><p>“Casper..” I admitted. Regulus was shocked. Of course, he and Casper also had been good friends.</p><p>“Blimey, and I always wondered why he never had a girlfriend!” he shook his head.</p><p>“I suppose he also ‘did not seem gay’?” I raised an eyebrow. </p><p>Reg looked at his feet.<br/>“Sorry for that comment. I.. just sorry.” Then he looked at me again. “But no kissing, eh? Wasn’t that.. kind of weird?”</p><p>“It was.. but the whole thing was weird. We never talked about it, so..” I chewed my lower lip. </p><p>“I can’t imagine having to be so.. secretive.” Reg looked at me with pity, which kind of made me feel worse. </p><p>I dropped my head into my hands, running them through my still wet hair. </p><p>“I suppose it is not easy to find anyone, is it? I don’t know anyone who has ever openly admitted it.” Reg said after a while, and I just nodded. “So, who is it then? The one that makes you smile from one ear to the other?”</p><p>I sighed. I supposed it couldn’t hurt to tell him, after he had taken the first news so well already. Also, he was not friends with Remus, there was no danger in Reg telling the Gryffindor. </p><p>“I suppose you’ve noticed that I started to spend a lot of time with Remus Lupin…” I mumbled, looking down at my hands. </p><p>“Lupin? Sirius’ friend?” Regulus frowned slightly. That was probably not who he expected. I nodded again. “How come?”</p><p>“Merlin, I don’t know.. we’ve got a bunch of classes together and got talking. At first it was mostly to make him and his friends stop pranking me, but.. I kind of developed a crush on him. Like I had crushes before on others, obviously, but we started studying a lot together and hanging out more and.. well.” I said, unable to supress a smile, thinking of the other boy.</p><p>“You developed feelings. And now you’re head over heels.” Black ended for me and smiled slightly.</p><p>“Apparently so..” I put my hands in my neck. It felt.. good talking about it with someone, especially with someone I trusted so much. </p><p>“And.. does he like you back? Is he also..” he left the sentence opened, only making a vague gesture with his hand, of which I didn’t know if I should find it offensive or not. His words were like an arrow to my heart, and I dropped my head again, the smile on my lips gone. </p><p>“I.. I don’t think so. I mean, what are the chances?” I shook my head. “We are just friends.”</p><p>“I’m sorry to hear that, mate.” He really seemed to be sorry to see me like this, so helplessly in love for the first time in my life, with a person who did not, could not feel the same as I did.</p><p>“And.. you’ve got no problem with it? None at all?” I had to ask, looking at my friend again.</p><p>Reg hesitated a bit but shook his head slightly. <br/>“I admit, I have.. had my biases. But I know you, and you are still you. Right? Maybe I just have to change my mind and think this over, like with so much other stuff in the past years. You are still the weirdo talking about ancient runes the whole evening, are still my quidditch bro, who is the most brutal beater in recent history, and you are still my best mate. Nothing is going to change that. It is not my cup of tea, I like girls, but you do you.” He smiled, putting his arm around my shoulders, and pulling me into a short hug.</p><p>“Cheers, Reg, that.. that means the world to me.” I hugged him back, and was happy that is just felt like always, nothing had changed. </p><p>We still sat in the changing rooms for a bit, talking for a bit, Regulus really seeming to try to lose any prejudices he might have. That was a thing I liked about him. He was not stubborn, and could admit that he often saw things the wrong way, due to his upbringing. He was able to think about things and change his mind, which also sadly made him quite easy to manipulate. </p><p>Finally, we got dressed, making our way into the rain, and quickly hurrying up to the castle, with me almost falling down as I slipped on the muddy pathway. When we finally reached the common room, we brought our brooms and coats into our dorms, before sitting down in front of the warm fire, where Zissa was already sitting and reading. </p><p>I had put on my woolliest socks, and a large jumper, which was an old one of my late granddad, black with green shamrocks.<br/>“How’s the craic?” I asked, sitting down on the comfy, green, velvet sofa, pulling my legs up. </p><p>“I’m going to meet up with Lucius in a bit, so I’m pretty great!” she glowed. Apparently the two of them were now officially a thing. </p><p>“That is great!” Reg smiled, happy for his cousin. He got along with Lucy far better than I did, but he was also from an ancient, wealthy, pure-blood family, so Lucy was way nicer to him than he was to me. “So, you’ve got your yule ball date settled then.” He added. </p><p>“Him asking me is more or less a formality.” She grinned, sounding excited. </p><p>“Yule ball?” I groaned. “Again? Already?”</p><p>Zissa tutted. <br/>“Yule ball is every year, Lee, as you well know. Even if you’ve only dared to go to one. How about you go with Heather? I think she’s been trying to ask you for days now!”</p><p>Angrily I stared at her.<br/>“I told you I don’t want to go out with her!” </p><p>Regulus threw an apologetic glance at me, as now he understood why I was so averse to the idea of going out with Heather. </p><p>“Frankly, I don’t know what your problem is, from what I’ve seen the two of you get along rather well. But if you don’t fancy going with her, there are others who’ve also asked me if you’ve got a date already.”</p><p>“What? What are you on about?” I sat up, leaning forward and sceptically studying her face to see if she was lying.</p><p>“A few girls have asked me where you usually hang out and stuff, so that they could ask you. I think there were one or two Ravenclaws with them too.” She smiled. “Lee, don’t you see, you can choose any girl you want! With you excelling in quidditch lately, you can make up for your nerdy hobbies! Should I introduce you to them?”</p><p>“No!” I brought out a bit perplexed. Why by Merlin’s beard were so many girls suddenly interested in me? They never were before? I shouldn’t have shown off so much in quidditch lately, they probably thought I was this cool, bad-boy beater!</p><p>“With whom do you want to go then?” she asked, crooking her head.</p><p>“With..” I leaned back and grumbled. “With no one.” I mumbled, letting myself sink deeper into the soft sofa, and causing Reg to laugh. </p><p>Zissa shot me a mean look, before raising her book again, pretending to read. </p><p>“Well, if anyone is interested..” Reg broke the silence after a few minutes, grinning. “I’m going to ask Edna Archibald. She’s a fifth year!”</p><p>“Edna? Mate, I didn’t know you liked someone!” I was surprised. Edna was a nice girl, though, I knew her from the ancient runes club. The two of them would be cute together. </p><p>“You didn’t say anything either, quit pro quo.” Reg shot back without thinking, but quickly realised his mistake as his eyes went big, and went back and forth between me and Zissa, who now looked up from her book again. </p><p>“What?” She raised a delicate eyebrow. I sank even deeper into the couch. “Either? Lee, does that mean you like someone?” she was now completely focused on me.</p><p>“Oh dear..” I heard Regulus murmur. </p><p>I just swallowed.<br/>“Not.. really.. not worth mentioning.” I tried, scratching my temple.</p><p>Narcissa pursed her lips.<br/>“Well, alright. I see.” She stood up. “If you don’t want to tell me, I’ll just find out myself.” With that she straightened her skirt, and walked off.</p><p>I threw Regulus a look, and he looked down at his hands apologetic. <br/>“Sorry mate.. didn’t think.” </p><p>Somehow all of this extremely annoyed me. First Potter, who wanted to know what it was, and now Zissa, who was very nosy and could not deal with not knowing something. Why did they care so much about who I fancied anyways? </p><p>It was bad enough that Reg knew. On one hand I trusted him more than anybody else, but then he sometimes didn’t think about what he was saying, like just now. </p><p>Zissa loved to talk and loved gossip and playing match maker. She was no one who could keep sensitive information to herself, in my opinion.  <br/>And Potter? Well, he was not my friend and I barely knew him. He had played enough pranks on me over the years that I did not trust him, even if he kept my secret. But if he knew that it was Remus I was crushing on, he would certainly tell him, and our friendship would be over with that. </p><p>The following week, Narcissa was a tad reserved when talking to me. Well, reserved may be an understatement, as she mostly ignored me, tutting from time to time to make sure I was well aware of the fact that she was indeed still mad at me. </p><p>On Thursday, after a quite complex alchemy class, I made my way up to the owlery, to send a letter to my parents. Sadly, I had never had my own owl, as our family owl was quite aggressive, and known for bullying other owls if they ever stayed at our house for more than a few hours. Also, owls were quite expensive. </p><p>The owlery was sleepy in the afternoon, and I took more time than needed to pet the pretty animals and hand out a few owl-treats, that I always bought just for the Hogwarts owls. This was one of the few reasons I looked forward to finishing school and moving out, so I could get my own owl, sometimes daydreaming about which one I would get. </p><p>Ultimately, I put my letter into the beak of a pretty barn owl, which promptly took off and flew into the cold afternoon. <br/>I probably did not write my parents as often as I should, but I kind of thought it a waste to write if I had nothing to tell or to report. </p><p>I left the owlery, after saying goodbye to my favourite Hogwarts owls, to head down to the great hall for lunch, when I suddenly ran into Remus, who was coming towards me somewhere on the seventh floor. </p><p>“Hi Liam!” he said with a broad smile, that I happily returned. </p><p>“What’s the craic?” I pulled my green and silver Slytherin scarf from my neck, and walked towards the great stairs, him right beside me. </p><p>“As you know, tomorrow starts another Hogsmeade weekend, and Sirius and James have managed to organise a small karaoke night at the three broom sticks! Would you be up for it?” he asked, a bit shily. </p><p>I raised an eyebrow in confusion, never having heard the word he had just said ever before.<br/>“What’s.. what’s a kah-rah-oh-key?” I asked carefully. </p><p>“Oh.” Remus had to laugh. “Oh, sorry, I forgot. It’s a kind of muggle game. Music is played and people have to sing along. It is.. frankly, quite silly and embarrassing, but always great fun, and even for wizards it can be really entertaining.” He explained. </p><p>“Sounds smashing, I’m in!” I grinned. Frankly though, I would have probably also said yes if he had asked me to help him care for some mandrakes or fire crabs, who shat acid on you if they didn’t like you. </p><p>“Great!” my heart fluttered, as Remus looked truly happy about it. “Then, ahm.. tomorrow, around half six at the three broomsticks?” </p><p>“Certainly!”</p><p>“Great! That’s great! See you then, Lee.” He bit his lower lip, before he turned about and left through a corridor next to the stairs. </p><p>I watched him leave, not really fully processing that he had just called me ‘Lee’. I sighed happily, and finally descended the stairs, humming to myself as I went along. I sadly missed one of the missing steps, almost falling over, causing a bunch of first years to laugh at me. </p><p>I did not really care much though, as I could only think about the next day. During the ancient rune club meeting I was heavily distracted, and by far not as productive as usually. At dinner I was sitting with Edgar, who talked at me rather than with me, and during my study session with Miriam beforehand I was barely able to focus on my homework, causing the Ravenclaw to scold me, as we sat in the library, trying to work thought an advanced arithmancy table. </p><p>Friday morning, I was a nervous wreck. I had told Regulus about it, who had made fun of me for being this anxious, but he still was happy for me all the same. Although, I saw a sad and pitiful glint in his eyes, as he probably knew that all that excitement, in the end, would just result in major heartbreak. Gladly, he also knew not to tell me that. </p><p>Seeing Remus in arithmancy was great, although we didn’t have much time to talk, as we had started a new topic that required all of our attention.</p><p>After herbology I went to have lunch, thinking of what to wear. I wanted to look good, but also did not want to look as if I put extra effort into it. A lot of my stuff was second hand, and my shoes were more than a tad worn down. My family was not really poor, but also not wealthy, and I had never insisted on having new things, when old things did just as well. Now, when I actually wanted to look effortlessly cool and hot, I kind of regretted that. </p><p>I was stuck in my thoughts, letting my eyes wander over the great hall, when I noticed Heather approaching me. Feck. <br/>I did not need that today, really not, especially as I was sitting at lunch alone at the moment. </p><p>I tried to pretend not having seen her, my eyes now landing on Regulus, who had just entered the Great Hall. He looked at me, and then also seemed to see the girl now waving at me. </p><p>Reg quickened his step, almost running, so only a moment after Heather had sat down opposite of me with a broad grin, he took the spot next to her. The girl seemed very disappointed. </p><p>“Lee! I was looking for you! Edgar has some strategy planned to go through tomorrow, and I wanted to talk with you about it!” Reg started, just as we had prepared if Heather would catch me alone.</p><p>“Yea? What has he planned?” I asked, focusing my eyes on my best friend, after giving Heather a short, friendly smile. </p><p>“Well, after the last game, he figured that a good power play would work well against Gryffindor, so he wants you and Septima to look at the manoeuvres done by the beaters of the Heidelberg Harries against the Grodzinsk Goblins in the European league finals of 1972.” Reg started, and I nodded interested.</p><p>We spent the whole lunch like that, talking about obscure techniques and old game results, and finally left the hall together, only waving Heather a quick goodbye. </p><p>“Reg, you saved me.” I laughed, as we stood in the entrance hall.</p><p>“It was a close one, though.” He grinned. “Although I did not lie when I said that Edgar has something planned for tomorrow, so you better not party too hard today.” He winked. </p><p>“I’ll try.” I blushed, but waved Reg goodbye, who made his way to the Transfiguration classroom, while I went down to the dungeons. </p><p>I worked a bit on some homework, that I had not been able to get done yesterday, but just as during my study session with Miriam, it was almost impossible to focus on studying. </p><p>At three o’clock I took a long shower, cleaned my slightly smudged glasses, and at least tried to somewhat adjust my hair, the curls being a bit chaotic. I stood in front of my large suitcase a bit helplessly, still not sure of what to wear. Most of my wardrobe consisted of black jeans and a large array of different coloured flannel shirts anyway, most of them second hand from my uncle. </p><p>I finally decided on my ‘newest’ looking shirt, an olive green one, which I buttoned up to the top, hoping it would not clash too badly with the green of my house scarf. <br/>It was around five, when I finally made my way down to the village, this weekend not bothering to visit my grandparents, as they were on a long holiday, visiting friends in Malta, as every year to escape the cold winter in the Scottish highlands. </p><p>It was already dark outside, and bitter cold. A few lamps illuminated the path leading down to the village, and it would have been quite eerie, if not for the few other students who either also went down, or came back from Hogsmeade. </p><p>I made a small detour, visiting Honey Dukes, and stacking up on a few of my favourite rhubarb and custard hard boiled sweets, before arriving at the three broomsticks fashionable five minutes late. </p><p>I pushed the pub’s heavy doors open, glad to feel the warm air from the inside hitting my face, and to finally escape the cold wind of November, which constantly blew underneath my thick cloak. </p><p>It was rather full inside, although most of the patrons were Hogwarts students. Near the bar, where usually a few smaller tables were placed, an area had been freed, making space for a magical microphone. Next to it was a small three-legged stool, carrying a large gramophone, and in front of it a large crate with vinyls. </p><p>“Hey, Liam! Over here!” I heard Remus voice through the general noise of the pub, spotting him sitting at a table, together with a red-haired girl, waving at me. He wore a thick, brown woollen jumper, and a broad smile. </p><p>The girl was Lily Evans, head girl of Hogwarts, head boy being James Potter. She had used to be friends with Snape, until the prick called her a ‘mudblood’ in front of half the school. Since then, the two who had been constantly seen around each other, did not talk anymore. Snape of course was still massively obsessed with Evans, watching her in class, and often moaning her name into the pillows when he thought that everyone else in the dorm was already sleeping. </p><p>I had thought about teaching him a silencing spell, but just the fact that I knew about what he was up to at night would probably cause him to hex something really disgusting on my face. I cringed at the thought. </p><p>But suddenly, out of nowhere a thought hit me. <br/>I had seen the marauders around Evans more than a few times in the past years. And now, seeing the two sitting here together..<br/>What if.. Lily was Remus girlfriend? I had often seen them study together in the library, and they had both been prefects in our fifth year. Both of them were nice, decent students and having them sitting here together could mean that they were on a date, right?</p><p>Even though I would, in that case, not understand why he would have invited me if he was on a date. I approached their table. </p><p>“How are you?” Remus asked as soon as I sat down. </p><p>“Not bad, what’s the craic here?” I got up again for a moment, to hang my cloak up at a small hook on the wall, before sitting down again next to Remus, just to see Evans sigh theatrically.</p><p>“It would be a lot better, if Potter wasn’t such an insufferable git!” she crossed her arms in front of her chest. I blinked a few times, a tad irritated by her words, as I had no idea what she was on about. Even if I completely agreed with her, Potter wasn’t even here. </p><p>Remus noticed my confused expression, and chuckled. He leaned towards me while Evens eyes scanned the room. </p><p>“James has been trying to ask Lily out since like.. the first year? Today she said yes for the very first time!” </p><p>I had to grin, though not really out of amusement, but out of pure relief. So, she was not his date, or his girlfriend. Which of course did not mean that he didn’t have one, or someone who he wished to be with. I just had to ask, for my own sanity’s sake. </p><p>“Ah, so I take it that your girl said no, so you had to ask me to come?” I tried to joke, causing Remus to blush deeply.</p><p>“I.. I don’t have.. a girl..” Remus mumbled, causing me to chuckle. </p><p>“I was just joking. Thanks for inviting me.” I smiled, but before either of us could say anything else, Sirius’ voice, magically enhanced, echoed through the pub. </p><p>“Test! Test! Can everyone hear me?” all three of us, just as the other students and patrons inside the three broomsticks turned our head towards the small area with the microphone. By now, the pub was really full, and all tables were occupied. </p><p>Black, Potter and Pettigrew were at the front, looking through the crate of vinyl and choosing a song. I remembered Reg telling me how obsessed Sirius had been with muggle music and motorbikes, so it was no surprise to see him organise such an event. </p><p>“Alice Cooper: Schools out! Who’s up for it?” James shouted into the microphone, cheering as a Hufflepuff raised his hand, gesturing him to come to the makeshift stage. </p><p>I didn’t know the song, and was a bit confused about how happy many of the others seemed about the choice.<br/>“I’ve never heard that one before.” I admitted, frowning slightly. </p><p>“A lot of muggle-born helped together to collect the songs, it is just muggle music tonight.” Remus explained to me.</p><p>“Ah, makes sense now.” I chuckled. “I don’t know any muggle music.. well, nothing that is under fifty years old at least, my gran just loves the Irish muggle songs from her youth.”</p><p>“Quite open minded, your gran.” Remus smiled, causing me to laugh. </p><p>“Nah, she is a muggle. Not the one who lives in Hogsmeade, the other one. She lives in Galway. Again, just because I’m a Slytherin does not mean I’m a pureblood from an ancient family. Although, I do come from a long line of proud potato farmers.” I stated, watching Remus as he once again blushed. </p><p>Lily had to laugh too, as she had followed our conversation. She also seemed to relax a bit more, apparently having been scared that I would judge her based on her background. </p><p>The Hufflepuff positioned himself behind the microphone, and Sirius waved his wand, causing the words of the song to appear in glowing letters in the air, in the same manner the school hymn usually appeared at the start of the school year. With another flick of the wand, the gramophone started to play, and Black, Potter and Pettigrew sat down at a table close to the stage. </p><p>One song after the other was sung by various students, and as expected, I did not know even a single one of them. That fact did not diminish my enjoyment at all, though.<br/>Potter had pulled Lily to the front, to sing a duet with her at one point, and in my opinion, she was not as averse to the idea of dating him as she pretended to be. </p><p>If I thought about it, she and Potter would make a sweet couple. Even though he was a prick. But even if Potter’s mind was full of pranks and other shenanigans, he was true to his friends, and apparently trustworthy, which he had proven by keeping my secret, despite us not being friends and rivals at quidditch. </p><p>Snape, of course would be everything but happy about this arrangement, which would make them being a couple even better. Lily was too good for him anyways, but frankly, even an old piece of gum stuck to the underneath of a desk was too good for Snape. </p><p>Left to our own devices, after Lily had left and sat at the front, Remus and I ordered a few more drinks than we probably should, talked, made jokes, and had one giggle attack after the other. Personally, I was just a bit tipsy and a bit lightheaded, but it was still enough for me to lower my guard a bit. The Gryffindor also came out of his shell more than usually, and I loved seeing this open and happy side of him. </p><p>When another quite guitar heavy song came up, I leaned back a bit to let my eyes wander around the pub. <br/>“I just noticed.. am I the only Slytherin here?” I asked, before finally spotting a few familiar faces in the crowd. I even saw my beater colleague Septima sitting together with a girl from Ravenclaw, enjoying herself. </p><p>“Not the only one, I think. But there sure aren’t a lot of you guys here tonight. Not to be biased..” he looked over to me, an amused and cheeky look on his face. My heart fluttered. “.. but most of your house don’t really seem to be all that fond of muggles at all.”</p><p>“Point taken.” I admitted. “Though I’ve no idea why! Seriously, the music is great, and their world is so fascinating! Everything that they have achieved without magic, finding ways to use their own magic in the electromagnetic force, it is just incredible! Imagine us trying to make that stuff up, no way! It would probably develop its own personality and eat people or something!”</p><p>Lupin had to laugh at my ramblings, having had to listen to me quite often when I went off on what muggle technology was better than what we had. He took another sip of his butter beer, while I myself had ordered a pint of Simison Steaming Stouts instead, as I could only bare that much of the super sweet butter beer. </p><p>The bottle in front of me still steamed slightly, and when I let out my breath through my nose, steam also escaped from there, making me look like a dragon. </p><p>Remus next to me giggled, but grimace slightly.<br/>“You really like that? It’s so bitter.” </p><p>“I like bitter.” I tried a pout, but then had to chuckle at myself. “I just like stouts, nothing wrong with that.” </p><p>“I could never drink them. Horrid stuff.” The Gryffindor shook his head. </p><p>“Have you ever tried a good one? I had one in Germany last year on vacation, and they have some stouts that taste like bacon! It is quite amazing.” I remembered that drink I had in a small pub in Bavaria, which looked exactly like one would imagine how a pub would look like in the world of Grimm fairy tales. Another nice bonus had been that in Germany you were allowed to drink with only sixteen. </p><p>“I’ve tried an Otter Swish Stout once, and it was the most disgusting thing I’ve ever had.” Remus just firmly said, causing me to shake my head violently.</p><p>“Otter’s? No wonder you hate it, that stuff is the most rancid beer you could have chosen! Here, try this one.” I offered him my bottle, which he took after some hesitation. Carefully, very carefully Remus took a very small sip out of the brown glass bottle, but immediately pursed his lips and shook in disgust. Only a tiny puff of steam escaped his lips. </p><p>“This is horrible! Merlin!” he took two big gulps from his own butter beer. “Blimey! How on earth can you just casually drink this?”</p><p>“Come on, mate, it’s not that bad..” I said a bit self-conscious. I took a sip myself, immensely enjoying not only the full and bitter taste, but also the thought that Remus’ lips had just been where mine were now. </p><p>“I prefer sweet, but thank you for offering your.. drink.” He raised his eyebrows, as if he expected me to argue back, especially after he insulted my choice of beverage once again. But I just grinned. </p><p>“Well, if you like it sweet, then I’ve got something different for your taste!” I stood up, swayed a little, but then hesitated. “Unless.. you want to go up there and try your best?” I wiggled my eyebrows at him.</p><p>“Oh, no, no. No way, no, never!” Remus shook his head. </p><p>“Well, then..” I left him like that, making my way through the groups of students towards the bar. Madam Rosmerta was with me a few minutes later, finally taking my order. </p><p>Lily was still at the front with Potter, the two of them flirting heavily, when I finally came back to the table Remus and I shared, putting down two glasses or a deep red liquid in front of Remus, the light of the candles in the dim pub reflecting magically on its surface. </p><p>“Wine?” the Gryffindor frowned. I just shook my head.</p><p>“Mead!” I sat down with a smile. “Bungbarrel Spiced Mead, to be accurate. Love that stuff. Very sweet, cherry infused honey wine.” </p><p>Remus looked oddly surprised. He raised the glass, studying the colour for a moment and smelling it. Finally, he smiled. <br/>“Well then, cheers! To a great evening!”</p><p>“To a great evening!” I agreed, heart jittering in my chest. We toasted, before taking a sip of the drink. </p><p>Sweet and soft the mead went down my throat, leaving a feeling of warmth and bliss, together with a nice taste or cherries. Nothing magical about it, just one of the natural properties of honey wine. </p><p>“Wow..” Remus made, catching my attention again. </p><p>“Just make sure that you don’t drink it too quickly, it’s quite strong, even if it does not taste like it.” I warned, remembering a few occasions my sister had to drag me home from our local pub after I had turned seventeen, when I had a few glasses too many of that stuff. </p><p>Remus’ cheeks were slightly red, but he nodded before taking another small sip. He was really cute. </p><p>“You’re sure that you don’t want to sing?” I asked then, carefully leaning a bit against the Gryffindor next to me. </p><p>“No.. can’t be as drunk as to think that that would be a good idea.” He huffed. </p><p>“Pity..” I mumbled, taking a small sip of my mead, before looking over towards the microphone, where Black was currently yelling a song named ‘Highway to Hell’ at the audience. </p><p>I shifted a bit in my seat to be more comfortable, and carefully rested my head on Remus shoulder, my heart beating like the hooves of an excited hippogriff. Contrary to my fears and expectations, Lupin just dropped his own head to rest on mine, humming along to the unfamiliar melody of the song, causing me to smile. </p><p>It was a magical moment. No one paid us any attention, we were sitting so close and our bodies were touching. In this moment it was easy to just pretend that this was a date, that the two of us were here as a date, not just as friends. </p><p>We slowly drank our mead, watching the people in the pub, a comfortable yet slightly tense silence between us. I didn’t know if only I felt as if it was tense, especially as I did not dare to move, in case it would break the spell. </p><p>Butterflies were in my stomach, and the warm feeling of being tipsy just made me feel all those emotions even more. </p><p>“Liam?” I suddenly heard a voice, turning my head, while trying not to move it too much, so that Remus would raise his own. </p><p>“Here.” I stated, mustering the girl in front of me, which I didn’t know. She smiled at me shily. “How can I help?” I asked a bit confused. Remus raised his head, breaking my heart. I also raised mine, but remained leaning slightly against him. </p><p>“I.. I was thinking.. I thought I should come over and talk to you, I.. I was at the quidditch practice a few times, I thought you’ve might seen me.” She blushed. Oh no. Not another girl who was impressed by me showing off and now had a completely wrong picture of who I was as a person. </p><p>“Sorry, the buldgers have most of my attention during practice, Owen has the rest.” I apologised. It wasn’t even a lie, as if I would take my attention off the buldgers, they could seriously hurt me. The same was true for Edgar. </p><p>“Oh..” the girl just made, apparently not expecting and answer like that. She had probably imagined me being aware of her and being happy that she finally approached me. For a moment, the girl hesitated, and then seemed as if she tried to gather every little bit of courage she had. Which probably wasn’t all that much, I figured, as I faintly remembered to have seen her on the Hufflepuff table before. </p><p>“WouldyougototheYuleballwithme?” she finally brought out in one long word without taking a breath. I blinked at her in confusion. I had a wee bit of too much alcohol in my blood to understand that.</p><p>“What?” I just made. </p><p>She bit her lower lip, taking a deep breath. Slower now, she started again. <br/>“Would you like to go to the yule ball with me?”</p><p>I had to laugh, but instantly felt awful for it, as she blushed even more and looked embarrassed.<br/>“Sorry, not laughing at you. I’m really sorry.” I shook my head. “I don’t intend to go.”</p><p>She looked devastated. <br/>“Oh.. ok.. well.” She turned on her heels, her head low, and disappeared into the crowd. Her face had been crimson. </p><p>I pursed my lips. I felt bad. Again.</p><p>“At least you kind of turned her down. In contrary to Heather.” Remus commented, causing me to sigh. His Welsh accent was quite thick now.</p><p>“Yea..”</p><p>“Why won’t you go to the ball, though? Or did you just say that to avoid saying no?” his voice was so close to my ear that I had to suppress a shiver. </p><p>“I don’t really feel like it. And I don’t want to show up there with some random girl on my arm just to have a date.” I yawned. </p><p>“You don’t need a date to go, you know?” Remus chuckled. “Peter and I never have dates, and we still show up.” </p><p>“Usually I would agree, but apparently this year girls find me attractive for some reason, so I won’t risk it.” I made a gesture with my hand to underline my point, before I shrugged.</p><p>Remus looked as if he wanted to ask something, but was interrupted by Black, who had just approached our table.<br/>“Hey, Moons! Why haven’t you let us hear your angelic voice yet? We have some Bowie songs up there somewhere, I think.” he asked teasingly. I sat up properly immediately. </p><p>“Not even a dragon could drag me up there! Not even Bowie himself!” Remus shook his head. </p><p>Sirius laughed, and then turned to me.<br/>“What about you, Alistair?” he wiggled his eyebrows. </p><p>“Have you ever heard a merperson talk above water? Roughly sounds like me singing.” I laughed, trying to evade his question. Black was kind of intimidating, especially after everything I heard about him from Regulus, and also after all of his pranks I fell victim to in the past years. “Also, I don’t know any of those songs.” I added. </p><p>“Cheap excuse.” The boy tilted his head and raised an eyebrow. </p><p>Sensing that he would maybe try to get me to sing and probably try another prank, I cleared my throat.<br/>“So what? Anyway, I should get going. I’ve got practice tomorrow morning, and if I’m not fit, Edgar is going to murder me.” Again, not a total lie. </p><p>“He lets you train in this weather? It’s supposed to rain the whole day.” Black now raised his other eyebrow too. </p><p>“Yes, Edgar is a bad person.” I nodded, before standing up. “Well, take care, and have a nice evening. Remus, I’ll see you on Monday!” I smiled at him once more.</p><p>“Yes, see you on Monday.” He smiled back, even though it seemed a bit forced. He looked a bit as if he was sorry for something, maybe because Black had just scared me away. </p><p>I put my coat and my scarf on, before making my way through the crowd of students. Finally, I reached the door, pushing it open and being hit by the cold air of the night. The wind was biting, and I turned my collar up, already missing the dim light and the comfortable warmth of the three broomsticks. There was a light snow falling down, but it was not enough to cover the ground. </p><p>I hummed the melody of a song that was stuck in my head, and walked through the village, and then up the path towards the castle grounds. It had to be far after curfew, and I wondered how Black and Potter had managed to convince McGonagall to let everyone stay longer down in the village than we were usually allowed.</p>
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<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Is this the only relevant topic in this school?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The castle was completely empty, and I met no one on my way down to the dungeons. The common room though, was still half full. Narcissa was snogging with Lucy in a corner, and Reg sat in front of the fireplace, his nose deep in a thick book, obviously trying to ignore his cousin. The rest of the quidditch team was already in bed. The rest, if you ignored Septima, who had still been sitting in the three broomsticks when I left. We would both play dreadful tomorrow. <br/>A few of the older students were sitting at the tables usually used for studying, playing a round of gobstones. </p><p>I dropped onto the sofa next to Regulus, sighing happily. The young black looked up from his book, mustering me with an amused glint in his silver eyes.<br/>“Is there a reason why you’re grinning like an idiot, or where’ve you been the whole evening?”</p><p>“You know very well where I was.” I smiled, resting my head on his shoulder. Reg laughed. “We’ve talked so much, it was wonderful.”</p><p>“Liam, Liam.. you’re head over heels. You’ll let your heart get broken.” He petted my back. Although he had not said it this afternoon, he had to say it now. </p><p>“Apparently yes. But I won’t care about that tonight. Tonight I’m happy.” I sighed, then giggled. “Zissa had her own luck today, I see?” I nodded over to her, where she and Lucy seemed to try to eat each other whole.</p><p>“Apparently yes.” My best friend echoed, closing his book. “But maybe everyone being happy and in love is a good sign, the stars are aligned, and I might really get a date with Edna.” He smiled slightly. </p><p>“Oh, yes, get her, tiger!” I grinned, leaning even more against him. </p><p>“Have.. have you been drinking, Lee?” Reg suddenly asked, his voice a little bit more stern. </p><p>“Yea, why?” I put an arm around him.</p><p>“Because every time you drink.. you get.. so.. cuddly with me.. hey, let go!” he laughed, trying to shake my arms off of him. My grip was firm.</p><p>“You are my best friend, best buddy, my mate. Never going to let you go.” I chuckled.</p><p>“I still need to breath!” there was a bit of a struggle, and I had to start laughing, so hard that he was able to shake me off, causing me to slide down onto the carpet on the floor. </p><p>“What will Edgar say tomorrow?” Regulus shook his head. “You should go to bed, mate.” He then stated, looking down at me sprawled on the ground. </p><p>“Too lazy to get up now..” I murmured, mustering my hands. </p><p>“Then crawl to bed, or whatever.” Reg opened his book again, ignoring my groan. </p><p>“You’re no fun. And you’re so heartless.” I finally got up, running a hand through my hair to push my curls out of my forehead. </p><p>“How am I heartless? I still have to read this chapter for history of magic, and you are drunk. Not to mention that we have training tomorrow morning, and you should get all the sleep you can!” he gave me a very judging look. </p><p>“I’m not drunk!” he laughed at me as I swayed a little. “A bit tipsy maybe, but not drunk.” I nodded more to myself than to him before I looked over to the stairs. “Alright, alright, I go.” </p><p>He was right. I was, while not drunk, definitely not sober, and should really get some sleep. I picked up my coat and scarf, which I had just dropped onto the sofa, and headed towards the stairs, leading down to the dorms of the seventh years. </p><p>I only found Snape already in bed, his curtains drawn close. Of course, Lucius was outside with Zissa, but where Lestrange and Macnair were, I had no idea. </p><p>Unfortunately, it was dark inside the room, and there was only the typical eerie gloom radiating from the window looking into the lake. My eyes were not yet used to the darkness, and I promptly ran into my suitcase, toppling over and hitting the floor with a loud thud. </p><p>“What are you doing?” I heard Snape’s voice grimly. </p><p>I groaned and got up from the floor, throwing my coat and scarf onto the suitcase I just tripped over. <br/>“Trying to hit the showers.” I stated, rubbing my shoulder, and making my way, now more carefully, over to the connecting room. “You should try it too, one day.” I laughed, quickly closing the door, just in time to doge a curse Snape spat at me. </p><p>I locked the door, still chuckling, but then stripped out of my clothes, trying not to fall down again. I left them discarded on the bathroom floor, before stepping under the warm spray of the shower. I sighed, running my hands through my hair. </p><p>My thoughts travelled back to the evening, to Remus, to his voice so close to my ear. I remembered how his body felt when I leaned against him, how his head had rested on my own. </p><p>I then imagined how it would be to kiss him, to taste the lips that had touched my bottle of stout. How his tongue would feel against mine, if he would be shy like he usually was, or if he would be assertive. I imagined how his hands would feel if they wandered about my body. </p><p>My cheeks started to prickle as my imagination ran wild, and I noticed my blood rushing south. <br/>I leaned my head against the cold tiles behind me, breathing in deeply. I could not get the thought of Remus out of my head, could not shake off the thought that my hands, soaping up my body, were his. Touching me all over.. I had to sigh, as I washed off the soap, thinking about what to do now.<br/>Just setting the water temperature to cold and wait until my body regulated itself was of course the sensible option. But then again, I was tipsy, and in this moment did not really care about the sensible option. All I cared about was that I had Remus on my mind, and my aching member in my hand. </p><p>I started to run my hand up and down my shaft, squeezing lightly and releasing. Once again, I imagined it to be Remus hand, not mine, remembered how Casper and I used to do this to each other in she showers down by the quidditch pitch. <br/>I thought about doing things to Remus, that Casper had done to me. I imagined kissing Remus, biting his lips. </p><p>I supressed a moan, completely leaning against the tiles behind me, needing the cold to keep me grounded. The warm water of the shower ran down my already heated skin, as my movements grew faster and more erratic. </p><p>I imagined Remus coming into the changing room, while I was the last one there. I imagined how he would come over to me, while I was undressing, how he would kiss me and how we would then undress each other, stumbling into the showers. <br/>How he would touch me and how I would touch him.</p><p>Finally, I came with a loud groan, that I was unable to supress, my breath fast and my feet tingling. I tried to calm my heartbeat and breathing, as I stood there like that for a couple of seconds, enjoying the blissful aftermath. I washed off, soaping my body again to get rid of any residuals, before turning the water off and leaving the shower. The bathroom air was still cool, despite me showering for what was certainly too long.</p><p>I put on my underwear again, and brushed my teeth, before combing my hair and leaving the bathroom to get my pyjamas from my bed, which I had forgotten to bring with me. I lightened a candle on my nightstand and changed, ignoring the weird look Snape gave me, who had drawn back one of the curtains around his bed. </p><p>I let myself drop onto my bed, now, tipsy, showered and post orgasm, just about ready to fall asleep.</p><p>“Had a nice night, Alistair?” Severus snarled, causing me to look up at him.</p><p>“Ah.. yes?” I brought out, slightly irritated. </p><p>“Must’ve left quite the impression on you, your date..” he snickered, making me blush heavily, as I realised what he was on about. He must’ve heard me. Shite. </p><p>Frustrated I dropped my head back onto the pillow and groaned.<br/>“Oi, shut it Snape, or I’ll hex you!” I rolled my eyes. “You’re the one to talk, as if you don’t moan Lily’s name into your pillow every night. Maybe I should just tell her, eh?” </p><p>As soon as my words had left my mouth Snape got up. I rolled off the bed to dodge a curse, hitting the ground painfully. I robbed towards my discarded clothes to pull out my wand, ready to defend myself against the grease bucket, when just in this moment Macnair opened the door to the dorm, stopping in the doorway, looking from an angry Snape, to me still lying on the ground, half hidden behind my bed. </p><p>“What’s going on here?” he asked, morbid curiosity in his deep voice. </p><p>Mine and Snape’s eyes met for a moment, neither one of us wanting to drag Walden into this. At least one thing we apparently agreed on.</p><p>“Nothing.” I just said, getting up, and climbing into bed, closing the curtains around me. My wand I put underneath my pillow, before blowing out the candle on my nightstand. Who knew if Snape had anything planned. </p><p>I heard Macnair getting ready for bed, and a few minutes later I heard Malfoy and finally also Lestrange enter the dorm, which weirdly enough made me feel safe enough to fall asleep. </p><p>Saturday was.. well, it was.<br/>I must admit, I didn’t actively notice much of it. </p><p>The next morning, I was rudely woken up by Edgar, who had simply entered the dorm of the seventh years, also literally waking up everyone else in the process, ignoring the angry and annoyed exclamations from Lucy and Macnair. Pulling my blanket off of me and throwing some clothes into my face, he barely waited until I was dressed before he dragged me out of the dorms, where one of our other chasers had apparently done the same for Septima. Together they dragged us out of the castle and onto the quidditch pitch. </p><p>The cold air and the rain were a complete shock to my system, and I wanted nothing else than go back to bed, and hide underneath my warm, comfy blankets. </p><p>Septima looked just as dreadful as I felt, maybe even a bit worse. Her long, blond hair which was usually pulled back sternly and braided into a long ponytail that reached her hip was dishevelled, and there were very dark rings underneath her brown eyes.</p><p>Neither of us really excelled, and my beater colleague told me that she had not left the three broomsticks until two in the morning. </p><p>Edgar was very cross with us, and lectured us for half an hour about team responsibilities and team spirit, and how dangerous it was to handle deadly metal balls that wanted to kill you, when you were hungover. </p><p>At lunch I saw Remus, who waved at me when he spotted me entering the hall, and who looked even worse than I felt. I wondered how long he had stayed at the pub, to look this tired. </p><p>The remaining day I tried to focus on schoolwork, meeting up with Miriam to do some homework, which failed once again, this time due to a massive lack of sleep. </p><p>“My patience is running out, Liam.” Miriam had shaken her head at me. “If you act like that tomorrow too, I am going to look for a new study partner.”</p><p>Sunday was not really worth mentioning. I finally slept in a bit and spent most of the day getting behind the homework and studying I had neglected due to my nerves and the hangover and showed Miriam that being distracted was not the norm for me. </p><p>On Monday though, I made my way to the great hall for breakfast in a weirdly good mood. Regulus, who was next to me yawned loudly, not having slept very much apparently. He had relaxed most of yesterday, and then had to do his homework in the evening, which he had forgotten about. </p><p>“What’s up with you today? Why so chippy?” Reg yawned once more, while I hummed happily, pouring both of us a glass of orange juice. </p><p>“First lesson arithmancy with Remus.” I whispered with a grin, biting into my toast with marmalade. </p><p>Reg grimaced a bit. <br/>“Lee..” he started, probably wanting to tell me, just as he had on Friday, that I would get my heart broken. But I didn’t want to face that fact, not yet.</p><p>“Yes, I know. Shut up.” I just said, continuing to eat. </p><p>Not wanting my best friend to ruin my mood, and maybe anticipating seeing Remus far too much, I left breakfast a bit earlier than usually, and entered the classroom as one of the first students. Professor Vector commented on me being early for once with enthusiasm, which certainly did still not make up for the many times I had run late. </p><p>I sat down at the table at the back, next to the seat where Remus always sat at. I had sat here since the first day of this school year and could not even quite say why I was so excited. </p><p>Saturday had been so nice, such a change in a way. It had been more personal, more private. Usually, we just met alone in the library, but this time, he had invited me to a night out with his friends, apparently not wanting to hide our friendship, despite Regulus’ brother not liking me. I had always kind of tried to avoid being seen with him in front of his friends. </p><p>I just.. I just wanted to talk to him. To see if our relationship had changed in anyway. Maybe a part of me was still hopeful..</p><p>The rest of the students slowly trickled into the classroom, the bell rang, and professor Vector started the lesson, introducing a new and quite complicated derivation of the Agrippan method. But Remus was still not here.<br/>I tried my best to focus on the calculations, complex formulas and equations, filling long tables and taking many notes, more than I usually did. When the lesson ended, I packed my things, making my way down towards the dungeons, this time alone. </p><p>What was wrong? Was Remus ill again? Had it been too much on Friday for his health, staying out that late in that weather? He had looked quite bad on Saturday, and if I remembered correctly, I had not seen him at dinner yesterday. None of the marauders had been, in fact, and I had just thought they were doing some prank or had detention. </p><p>When I spotted Potter, Pettigrew and Black in the entrance hall, I could not hold myself back, worried about Remus. He had been ill before, sure.. but this time, I didn’t know why, it felt different. <br/>I pushed past a few other students to catch up with them. Still somehow trusting Potter the most to not hex me, I petted him on the shoulder to get his attention. He turned around to me, raising an eyebrow. </p><p>“Hey, I.. I wanted to ask if Remus is sick again?” I tried to seem casual. No need giving the Gryffindor any hints. </p><p>“Yes, he’s sick again. But he should be alright in no time.” Potter smiled, but I noticed dark rings under his eyes. In fact, they all seemed quite tired. </p><p>I nodded, swallowing my worry. I pulled a few sheets of parchment out of my bag, handing them to Potter before he could turn away again.</p><p>“Anyways, give him that, when you see him, will you? Arithmancy notes. I know he hates missing that class.” I explained.</p><p>All three of them looked surprised, but Potter took the notes and put them into his own school bag.<br/>“Will do.” He smiled and nodded, before he and his friends continued with their way towards the dungeons, although not before Black threw me a slightly suspicious glance. </p><p>I waited for a bit, not wanting to walk right behind them, before I continued my way to the potions’ classroom. </p><p>“And, how is it going with you and Lucy..us?” I quickly corrected myself, when I sat next to Narcissa at our usual spot in the back of the room in front of our bubbling cauldrons. </p><p>“Amazingly! We are officially a couple now, he asked me yesterday!” she sighed happily, a dreamy smile on her pretty face. “How about you?” she then added, her voice dragging out the words. </p><p>“Well, Malfoy and I are not getting along that well, I’m afraid.” I tried to joke, only for her to roll her silver eyes. </p><p>“I didn’t mean you and Lucius, idiot.” She shook her head, causing me to chuckle. </p><p>“I know.” I threw a few lacewings into the green, bubbling liquid in front of me. </p><p>“So?” her fingers drummed against the table we shared, impatient and so very Narcissa that it was now me who had to shake my head. </p><p>I knew it would just be pointless to keep denying everything. Maybe it would work to just give her little tid-bits and then say that it did not work out in a few weeks? Sounded like a good approach. </p><p>“Yes, it.. it’s alright.” I sighed. “We get along well. But it is nothing more than friendship, I think.” I murmured, not wanting to give up any other information about it. And I wasn’t even lying this time. The chances of her guessing that for one, it was a boy I had a crush on, and two, that it was the meagre, shy Remus I had fallen for, were almost negligible, but still, I did not want to take the risk.</p><p>“That is great! Maybe it is more than just friendship? So, who is it? Heather? Alice? Susan? Mary? Or this chubby Hufflepuff girl, what’s her face? Tessa?” Zissa locked at me with her big, curious, silver eyes, which she shared with every member of the Black family. </p><p>“Ahm.. neither.. one.. what..” I failed at overplaying my horror of hearing how many girls had suddenly found an interest in me, and had approached Narcissa about it. I really, really should not have bragged so much at quidditch. They probably all thought that I was some popular jock like Malfoy, not the nerdy arithmancy lover, that I actually was.</p><p>Zissa groaned a bit disappointed.<br/>“But who is she then? Don’t torture me like that, Lee, please? Is it that Ravenclaw you always study with?” she whined, cutting up some wormwood to add to the potion in front of her.</p><p>“Miriam? No! And she also has a boyfriend!” I stated. </p><p>“Who then?” </p><p>Nervously I scratched my temple. On one hand I was really glad she talked to me again, but on the other hand, I really did not want to tell her. It was bad enough that Potter and Regulus knew I was gay, and when it came to Zissa I had no idea how she would react. While Regulus could be swayed to change his opinions when new evidence came up, Zissa was very stubborn and sure in her ways. I could not predict if she could accept me, and I was also not sure if she could keep it a secret either way, especially in front of Lucy. <br/>And if Lucy found out, well.. I could say goodbye to any chances of a nice last year at school, that was for sure, and the prejudice that would follow me out of Hogwarts would be.. devastating. The whole school would know in a matter of hours, if not less. And I really didn’t want to know how they would treat me, having to share a dorm with me.<br/>It was just too risky. </p><p>“Sorry, I.. I can’t tell you.” I brought out, biting my lower lip. </p><p>“Is she a muggle born? Is that why you don’t tell me?” </p><p>I didn’t answer that, and she huffed. <br/>“You’re so mean!” Zissa shrieked, stomping her foot like a five-year-old child. </p><p>“Is everything alright back there, Miss Black?” Slughorn’s voice came from the front of the class, slightly concerned but not really angry. </p><p>“Everything’s fine, professor!” I shot back, pretending to concentrate on a passage in my potions book. When Slughorn had turned his attention back to another student, whose cauldron had started to audibly bubble and hiss, I looked back at Zissa, whose eyes were still filled with anger. </p><p>I rolled my eyes, ignoring her once again. If she thought that this was the reason why I did not tell her, so be it, good enough for me. I focused on finishing my potion, filling the green liquid into a phial carrying my name. Just as I closed the small bottle, Zissa violently stomped on my foot. </p><p>“Blimey! What on earth was that for?” I hissed, grimacing in pain, and throwing her a look so angry, it matched her own.</p><p>“Who is it?” she demanded to know. I exhaled audibly.</p><p>“Feck, Zissa, really? Is that so fecking important to you?” I looked at her in disbelieve. She seemed taken aback, as I usually did not straight up curse in front of her. But I didn’t care now. </p><p>“That shite is personal, ok? There are a lot of things I have to think about, it is not that simple. And even if we are friends, it really is none of your bloody business who I fancy, alright?” I rubbed my foot. </p><p>Zissa pursed her lips, realising she had gone a step too far. She was silent, and I took the moment to limp to the front of the class to hand in my potion sample. Slughorn was delighted, and reminded me of the Slug Club meeting, which was in a fortnight. </p><p>When I returned and sat down, Zissa was still looking as if she had bitten into a lemon. People not often told her ‘no’, that was obvious.</p><p>“Tell me which house at least!” she then brought out, but didn’t add anything else, when I just gave her a deadly glare. </p><p>Defence against the dark arts and care for magical creatures went by quickly, and after ancient runes I returned to my dorm, to get changed and get my broom. I made my way down to the quidditch pitch, trying to clear my mind of all the dusty volumes we had read through today. As much as I loved the subject, deciphering old spells was far more complicated than it sounded. We were currently going through old Norse spells, and with all the kennings used in their poetry, it was often hard to figure out what certain spells were actually supposed to do. Galdr was amazing, but hard to understand. </p><p>Also, I was still pretty angry with Narcissa, after her behaviour in potions. It frustrated me that she was so nosy, and that she could not just drop a subject if I obviously did not want to talk about it. </p><p>To warm myself up, as it was already freezing cold, I put my broom over my shoulders and started to run a few rounds around the pitch. I intended to really exhaust myself today, knowing that I would sleep better and that I would make Edgar very happy, especially considering my poor performance on Saturday. I needed to be too exhausted to think. </p><p>After thirty minutes of running, planking, squats and mobilisation, I was already drenched in sweat, practicing to pull myself up and onto my broom, elevated in the air. This was when I noticed a person, tightly wrapped up in a thick cloak, sitting on the benches of the stadium, watching me. </p><p>For a moment, I hesitated, thinking that it might be one of the girls who wanted to ask me out. Flying over to them would only give them hopes. Curiosity overcame me though, so I pulled myself onto my broom for a last time, and flew over to the person sitting there. </p><p>My heart started to flutter, when I recognised them. It was not a girl sitting there, but Remus.<br/>He was pale as a corpse, with dark rings underneath his amber eyes. He looked horribly exhausted, wrapped up in a thick winter coat and a scarf. Worry filled me as I lowered myself on my broom, landing next to him on the tribune, and trying to ignore that I must’ve looked equally horrible, with sweat dripping down my hair and into my eyes. </p><p>“Remus.. how are you?” I asked promptly, carefully placing my hand on his shoulder.</p><p>“Better.” He said, his voice weak and shaky. Still he tried a soft smile.</p><p>“What are you doing out here in the cold? You should be inside, probably even in bed.” I bit my lip, unable to supress the worry that laced my voice. </p><p>“I wanted to see you though. Thank you for the notes.” </p><p>My heart stopped for a second at his words, and a warm and fuzzy feeling filled my chest. He wanted to see me. He had come out here, into the cold, even though he was sick, just to see me. I had to smile. </p><p>Although… I had not told anyone that I would go to the pitch to train, and there hadn’t been a lot of people in the common room or entry hall who had seen me come down. </p><p>“How did you know where I was?” I asked, quite confused. </p><p>Remus blushed. <br/>“I.. ah.. I saw you .. on the map.” He murmured, looking down at his hands.</p><p>“Map?” I blinked a few times, now even more confused than I just had been. What map would show him where I was?</p><p>Remus hesitated. <br/>“I trust you, but you have to promise me not to tell anyone about it, not even Regulus.” He looked at me with a very serious expression on his face, taking me a bit by surprise. Still, hearing that he trusted me, made my heart flutter even more.</p><p>“Of course. I promise.” I said, curious what he was about to reveal to me. </p><p>“Sirius, Peter, James and I made this map when we were in our fourth year. It.. it shows all of Hogwarts and everyone on the grounds.” He pulled a large piece of folded parchment out of his cloak as he talked, putting it onto his lap.</p><p>“I solemnly swear that I am up to no good.” He said, touching the parchment with the tip of his wand. From where his wand had touched the parchment, lines started to spread out, and in great letters I was able to read ‘Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, and Prongs, Purveyors of Aids to Magical Mischief-Makers, are proud to present THE MARAUDER'S MAP’. </p><p>I stared at it for a moment, not knowing what to say.<br/>“Wow..” was all I finally brought out, watching Remus unfold the map, pointing at the quidditch pitch where I could clearly see two small dots, over which the names Remus Lupin and Liam Alistair were written. </p><p>“That is some powerful magic.” I leaned over a bit more, painfully aware how close I was to Remus, to study the map. “And It shows all of Hogwarts? Really?”</p><p>“Yes.” Remus unfolded it a bit more, revealing different floors of the castle, the towers and classrooms. </p><p>“Who of you drew it?” I was curious, as it was quite meticulous, and nicely illustrated. </p><p>“Peter, he is quite talented.” </p><p>That surprised me a bit. But then again, I remembered that whenever I had seen Pettigrew writing on the board, he had quite a neat hand.   </p><p>“Do I even want to know how you know how the different common rooms look like?” I asked further, raising my eyebrows at Remus, who just laughed. The Slytherin common room, including the dorms, was exactly where it was. </p><p>“Now, that is a secret.” He giggled, ultimately touching the map once more with his wand. “Mischief managed.” He said, and the lines and drawings on the parchment faded into nothing, leaving only a large piece of quite innocent looking parchment in their wake, no hint about what incredible information was hidden inside. Lupin folded it up again, putting it into a pocket in his cloak. </p><p>I was still quite gobsmacked by this revelation. But at the same time, a lot of things clicked into place now, concerning the marauders’ incredible ability to do so much mischief, with only seldomly getting caught, and the inability of people to hide from them. </p><p>“You lot are a lot smarter than I took you for.” I finally said, causing Remus to laugh. </p><p>“I’ll take that as a compliment, I think.” He grinned. </p><p>“You are smart, I know that. Potter probably too. But Black? Pettigrew?” I kind of regretted my words as soon as they had left my mouth. They were his friends, saying this was rude. Also Black had quite good marks, as far as I knew. </p><p>“I know you don’t get along well with them. I don’t blame you, especially with everything you had to endure just because you are the best friend of Sirius’ brother.” Remus seemed to not take offence at my statement, but looked understanding. </p><p>“It’s.. I just feel tense around them. Usually if I’m not careful I end up being pranked.” </p><p>“I asked them to leave you in peace, for now.” Remus smirked. “Took some convincing, though.” </p><p>My heart melted a bit, hearing that. That meant a lot to me. Even though it also made me nervous, as this could maybe lead Potter to guess that Remus was my crush. <br/>“Thanks.” I smiled, looking down at my feet, unsure of what to say now. </p><p>“I hope especially you and Sirius can overcome these.. tensions. It was a pity you left on Saturday when he came over. I think you would get along well enough, if you just got to know each other.” Remus said after a few minutes of silence, which made me look up again. </p><p>“It was better that way and it was too late anyways. Edgar was not happy with me on Saturday.” I chuckled. “How long did you stay, after I left?” </p><p>“A few more hours, I think.. we helped tidying up, and James tried to kiss Lily. She smacked him in the face, though.” Remus shrugged, causing me to laugh. “But she will probably go to the Yule Ball with him.”</p><p>“Merlin, I don’t get why she pretends to not like him.” I shook my head.</p><p>“I think it is more that she is annoyed with herself for liking him. Because he is the kind of boy she would not have ever imagined falling for.” Remus closed his eyes for a moment, deeply breathing in the cold fresh air.</p><p>He looked so pretty, even if he also looked so ill. His grey temples and his scars did not diminish his features at all, and I used the chance to stare at him, to remember his face in every detail. I wanted to ask where he got his scars from, which seemed to not only be in his face, but also on his body, at least his lower arms. On the other hand, I guessed it had been a traumatic experience, better to not be mentioned casually. Maybe, some day, I could ask him. Not today, though.</p><p>“Are you planning to go to the Yule ball?” I asked instead, not quite thinking. So much for a less traumatic topic. </p><p>Did my brain just really think it be a good idea to ask him if he would go to the Yule ball with me? Really? Liam, get yourself together man! He’s pretty alright, but get a bloody grip. </p><p>“Yes, Sirius would not let me just stay in the common room. You said you won’t go.” He smirked, opening his eyes again.</p><p>“Reg won’t make me go, but Zissa is certainly going to try dragging me along.” I admitted. </p><p>I really did not want to go, even if the food would probably be amazing. I just hated dressing up and then sitting around the whole evening, with everyone having fun and dancing with their dates. It was.. painful to see that, knowing that I could never have that, could never bring a date I wanted, and just be so open about it. And I certainly did not want to go with some girl. </p><p>“At least, if she drags you along, you won’t need to worry about having a date, anyways.” Remus pulled me out of my thoughts and.. did it just sound to me like that, or did his tone of voice.. change a bit? </p><p>“What do you mean?” I asked, frowning.</p><p>“Have you already forgotten Friday?” Remus laughed. “The eyes of some girls are on you like wasps on a cake.” </p><p>I remembered that girl from Hufflepuff, who had disrupted my date daydreams of me and Remus, and sighed. <br/>“As I said, I have no interest in going with a girl I don’t even know.” I ran a hand over my face. “Sorry, I don’t even know why I brought it up. That topic gives me anxiety.” I admitted. </p><p>“I noticed.” Remus put a hand on my shoulder, causing me to look down at my shoes. “You’re going to end up as sick as me, if you sit here any longer with no coat, and sweaty.” He then said, and I indeed, felt pretty cold by now. </p><p>“Let’s go back. You should not be out here anyways.” I grinned, grabbing my broom. </p><p>“’I’ll meet you in front of the changing rooms.” Remus got up, while I nodded, mounting my broom, and crossing the stadium, to change out of my quidditch clothes. </p><p>I shouldered my broom and left the changing rooms, finding Remus waiting outside. Together we made our way up to the castle, talking about what he had missed in class today. In the entry hall, we stopped, and for a moment, both seem to hesitate. </p><p>“Go a have a lie down, Remus. You look like you need to sleep.” I said, a smile on my face.</p><p>“Trust me, I will.” He looked at his shoes. “See you, Lee.” </p><p>He turned around, making his way to the stairs, leaving me alone in the entry hall. Finally, I turned towards the dungeons, only wanting a hot shower now. </p><p>The common room was quite busy when I entered, but I made my way straight to the dorms, leaning my broom against the wall next to my bed, and headed to the bathroom, where I took a long, hot shower, not leaving the spray of water until every inch of my body was a decent temperature again. </p><p>I changed back into my school uniform and returned to the common room, where I found Edgar sitting with the other two chasers, Agnes and Evangeline. He was still a bit mad at me, but telling him about my spontaneous training today reassured him a bit. <br/>Agnes, who was Irish like me, very nicely told me in Gaelic that she would kill me if I ever drank before a training again, and I certainly had no doubt about that. </p><p>When it was time for dinner, the four of us made our way out of the dungeons and towards the great hall. On our way we also found Regulus, awkwardly standing around in the entry hall, and looking somewhat nervous. </p><p>“What’s up with you?” Owen asked, raising an eyebrow. </p><p>“I’m going to ask Edna to go to the ball with me.” He swallowed hard running a shaking hand through his hair. I had never seen him this nervous about a girl. Laughing, I put an arm around his shoulder.</p><p>“You’re going to be fine, mate! Just be yourself.” I said, causing him to smile weakly. He took a deep breath and nodded. </p><p>Together the now five of us entered the great hall, sitting down at the Slytherin table. Regulus departed a bit earlier, taking a seat next to a truly beautiful girl, with long black curls and deep brown eyes. No wonder that Regulus was so nervous, she was truly something. And she was incredibly smart, at least that was what I noticed during the ancient runes club.</p><p>He smiled at her, which she returned, and I could see how he gathered all his bravery. I was glad that we sat not too far off, so I could listen in on their conversation. </p><p>“Would you like to go to the Yule ball with me?” he asked, and I was very proud of him that he did not stutter. </p><p>Her smile turned into a big grin, and she nodded excitedly. My best friend glowed like a lightning bug. I decided to leave them to their privacy, and turned to Edgar, who had watched the scene play out too.</p><p>“He really made a good catch there.” He chuckled. “Do you have a date too? Or plan to ask anyone?” he then asked, putting a sausage on his plate. </p><p>“Nah, mate, I’m not sure if I’ll go. If I do, I’ll go alone.” I shrugged. “Don’t really fancy ask some girl out just to have a date, like what’s the point.” Owen, who took quidditch more seriously than his grades most of the time, would surely understand not dating just for the sake of it. </p><p>“Understandable.” Edgar nodded. “This girl, Heather, she’s asking me for weeks about our schedule, and to walk past her with you, so that she can ask you out. I told her, I rather have you focus on quidditch, not on a girlfriend, but she can’t get the hint.” He petted my shoulder. Edgar was also in on the plan, not to leave me alone with this girl. Even though he liked her, as she knew a lot about quidditch. </p><p>“Cheers.” I rolled my eyes. “I’ve been avoiding being alone with her for so long, I don’t know how she does not get it.” </p><p>“Yea.. but I mean.. you could just.. you know.. tell her that you are not interested. Just a suggestion.” Edgar raised an eyebrow. I squirmed in my seat.</p><p>“I know, I just, I can’t.” </p><p>“She almost has hearts for eyes looking at you, it is rude to lead her on.” Why must he be such a voice of reason.</p><p>“I’m not leading her on.. I’m..” I rang for words.</p><p>“Just not outright rejecting her. Which is.. leading her on.” Edgar ended the sentence for me, and I felt bad.</p><p>“I know, I’m a dick. Anyways, do you have a date?” I tried to change the subject. </p><p>“Aye, I asked someone out. A girl from Hufflepuff.” He blushed a bit.</p><p>“Hufflepuff?” I laughed. I would not have thought that he, as competitive as he was, would ask someone from a different house, let alone a Hufflepuff who had stolen the quidditch cup from us last year. </p><p>Edgar lightly punched my arm.<br/>“Aye, a Hufflepuff! Her name’s Gwendolyn.” He threw a glance over towards the Hufflepuff table.</p><p>“How did you meet?” I asked curiously. </p><p>“She sits next to me in herbology.” He smiled. “She is really funny.” </p><p>“I’m happy for you, Ed! Can’t wait to meet her.” I grinned, finally starting to eat myself. </p><p>I really was happy for Edgar. Still, it seemed like out of all of my close friends, I was the only one showing up to the Yule ball without a date. Miriam of course would go with her long-term boyfriend Magnus, with whom she had been since they had been fourteen, and even Rodolphus had told me that morning that Bellatrix Black had said yes to his invitation. </p><p>I pushed my vegetables around my plate, talking with Edgar and Agnes about the last quidditch results, and tried to throw subtle glances over to the Gryffindor table, where I could see Remus sitting next to his friends, looking just as ill and tired as he had this afternoon. </p><p>The rest of November went by quite quickly. The first snow finally fell, and the marauders initiated the biggest snowball fight I had ever seen. Even Professor Flitwick had joined in! Septima and I got way too competitive, and I ended up wet in snow from head to toes, after the tall girl had just dunked me into a heap of snow. </p><p>Professor Kettleburn was so kind to make us study the fire-salamander, and we all huddled around the tiny, glowing animal, to have at least some source of warmth. </p><p>Remus and I still met up every Wednesday to study, and every time it got harder and harder for me not to touch him. After the evening in the pub, I could not hold back to occasionally pet his shoulder, lean closer than I needed to read something from his notes, or brush my fingers against his, when he handed me a book. <br/>I felt really guilty afterwards, felt as if I was using his friendship to get more out of it, and worried far too much about every little interaction. But Remus never pulled away, never seemed as if he felt averse to me touching him. </p><p>It was almost the middle of December, a Friday afternoon, when I made my way back from the greenhouses towards the castle, that I felt a hand around my upper arm, turning me around. </p><p>In front of me was on one else than Heather, dressed in a thick woollen jumper with a nice floral pattern, her hair put up in a cute messy bun. I had avoided her completely over the past weeks, not even hanging out with her together with friends anymore. </p><p>I ran a hand through my hair, noting that I really should cut them soon, as they were starting to hang into my eyes. </p><p>“Hey Liam! Good that I catch you here.” She smiled. Her hand was still around my arm, and I subtly moved out of her grasp. </p><p>“What’s the craic?” I asked, trying to smile, and shouldering my bag. Carefully I looked around, to my dismay seeing no one in the courtyard who could pull me out of this situation. </p><p>“I wanted to ask you if you’ve got a date for the Yule ball already?” she smiled sweetly, and once again I felt so, so bad for rejecting her. And also for not really rejecting her. She really didn’t deserve this. But still, here I was, Liam the massive coward, and could not just straight up tell her that I was not interested. </p><p>“Ah.. no, I.. I’m going to go alone.” I said, scratching my temple. </p><p>“Well then, would you like to go with me?” I could see that she was nervous, as she kneaded her delicate fingers in front of her, the long sleeves of her jumper reaching over her hands. Shit, I knew it. She would ask me. And now I had to make up some excuse that would not sound too shitty.</p><p>“I.. I’m sorry, I..” I started, and seeing her face fall broke my heart even more. “You know, I promised Remus to not leave him alone there. He does not have a date, and I promised him like weeks ago.” I lied, biting my bottom lip. “I’ve to go.” I then brought out, before she could say anything else, turning around and taking the first best gate out of the courtyard and into the castle. It was not the right direction to go to the dungeons, but at least it was also not wherever Heather would be going. </p><p>I hurried through random corridors, that even if she decided to follow me, she would not find me. I turned around another corner, and just barely avoided running into Potter, who almost dropped his books. </p><p>“Sorry.” I said, but continued, running up some stairs and finally letting myself sink down on a broad windowsill, overlooking a different courtyard. I scratched my forehead.<br/>I was such a bloody coward, and I hated myself so much for it. Not only did I still not tell her that, as nice as she was, I was not interested in her, and I also used Remus as an excuse. Now I had to tell him about it somehow, and maybe unintentionally guilting him into not having a date either. I cringed at the thought of admitting that to him. He probably felt awkward by how close I got to him all the time already, and now I kind of made him hang out with me at Yule, where he probably much rather would like to hang out with his friends. <br/>Why he even still spent time with me, I really did not understand. </p><p>“What was that all about?” a voice asked, startling me. I looked up to see Potter coming towards me from the stairs, causing me to roll my eyes and lean against the cold window behind me.</p><p>“An escape. From Heather.” I simply said, forcing a grin. </p><p>“Looked like it. Although I would have expected a manticore, not a teenage girl.” Potter laughed, sitting down next to me. “But good that I catch you here alone, I wanted to talk to you anyways.” </p><p>I swallowed. That didn’t sound good.<br/>“What about?” I asked innocently, occupying my hands to play with the button of my schoolbag. </p><p>Potter leaned back too, and ran a hand through the chaos he called a haircut, before he started to talk. <br/>“You’ve still not told me who it is.” He said, and I promptly groaned. </p><p>“And I won’t.” </p><p>“But please! Is it Regulus?” </p><p>I looked at Potter, not sure if he was serious or not. But apparently he was, a curious glint in his brown eyes. </p><p>“Ew, no! Reg is like a brother to me! You’re disgusting, Potter!” I shook my head. </p><p>“Who is it then?” he asked once more. </p><p>“Why don’t you get it, I won’t tell you! Stop bloody asking!” I rolled my eyes.</p><p>“Are you going to the ball with him?” was the follow up question.</p><p>“No!” was everything I could say, because yes, we did not go together. We probably couldn’t even. </p><p>“With whom then?” Potter grinned. “Not Heather, I presume?” </p><p>“Bloody hell, is there no other topic in this school? Don’t we have any other things to talk about?” I threw my head into my neck and groaned once more. I was annoyed. </p><p>“So, you have a date?” Potter did not care about my annoyance.</p><p>“No! I don’t!” I got up. “Just fuck off.” I left.</p><p>Potter chuckled, not taking my insult seriously, and I climbed up some other set of stairs. To not meet Potter or Heather, I spent good twenty minutes just aimlessly walking around the castle, before finally making my way down to the dungeons again, annoyed by everything. I headed straight to bed, not even bothering with dinner, ignoring everyone I came across.</p>
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<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Yule Ball.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>TW drinking of alcohol</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I woke up rather late, still feeling completely exhausted and rubbing my tied eyes to persuade them open. A glance at the small clock standing on my bedside table told me, that I had overslept breakfast, as well as half of lunch already. I groaned, letting my head fall back onto my pillow. I had barely slept last night, unable to find any rest. I had even started to do my history of magic homework, reading about the goblin wars, hoping to get tired, and only returned to the dorm at around four or five o’clock in the morning. The essay on the wars was done at least. </p><p>With an audible, and frankly completely exaggerated groan, even though I was alone in the dorm, I finally got up, dragging myself to the bathroom. Today was the day I had dreaded for weeks, the highly anticipated Yule ball was only mere hours away now. And I could not be more annoyed by it. </p><p>Since the incident with Potter, I had just hissed at everyone who had even dared to mention the ball in my presence. I was really, really short of just not showing up at all, if Zissa, who had finally gotten over her pride and made up with me a week ago, would not have threatened me to turn my broom into a toad if I would not come. And as she was really good at transfiguration, it would have been very stupid not to take that threat seriously. Also, she had once turned my favourite quill into a worm after all, when I didn’t want to share my chocolate frogs with her in our third year. I knew what she was capable of.</p><p>But at least she had gotten the hint, that I was serious about not wanting to talk about my secret crush, and she did not ask me again. Also, she had actually apologised to me, which was a first. Is suspected that Regulus had talked to her, after I had told him about our fight.  </p><p>Remus was the only one who understood my annoyance, which was also why he never even mentioned the ball when we studied together. We rather talked about what Christmas and New Year’s Eve would bring, and what we wanted to do over the holidays. Which was not much, considering the war, and for me, the tense situation in Northern Ireland, both for the wizards and the muggles.  </p><p>The Slug-Club meeting also had taken place in December, and I was still not really sure what to think of this evening. Gladly Regulus was already part of the club, and Edgar had been invited as well, so I had someone to ask for advice, as well as to talk to during the meeting. On the other hand, there was also James Potter, making me a bit uncomfortable as I had this unrealistic fear that he would just ask me about my crush in front of everyone else. He was.. strangely nice enough though, and we idly talked about quidditch for a few minutes between the main course and pudding. </p><p>I felt.. a bit out of place between all those people with their famous and influential families, while having to explain the mundane lives of my own parents, and that I came from a mixture of Scottish wizards and Irish muggles. Lucius, who unfortunately was also part of the club, looked very smug the whole time, as if me stammering about my family proved to him that he was better than me.</p><p>The food was remarkable though, so at least one good thing came of that awkward evening. </p><p>I shook my head slightly to come back to reality, to the here and now and to the impending Yule ball. <br/>I was really not in the mood to spend an evening being way too dressed up and boring myself to death. Nevertheless, I stood in front of the tall bathroom mirror, looking at myself. With tired, grey eyes my moody reflection looked back at me, as if it wanted to tell me to just go back to bed and simply sleep through all that nonsense. But alas, that was not possible.</p><p>My hair was a complete mess, and by now it was really a good deal too long, making me look a bit like a poodle. I liked my hair a bit longer, sure, but that was even too long for me. And if I had to look good today, a trim would be in order. </p><p>I grabbed my wand from my bedside table, positioning myself in front of the mirror again. Before my sister had graduated, she had taught me a cutting spell, which she had used to cut both of our black curls. She had been quite good at it too, better than me, alone in front of a mirror. <br/>I started to carefully trim my hair, trying to make it look less of a mess. </p><p>I used my comb to estimate the length, focused to make it somewhat even, and careful not to cut off too much. I was close to the mirror, brows furrowed in concentration.<br/>Suddenly, without any warning the door of the bathroom was thrown open violently, loudly hitting the wall behind it. I flinched hard, out of shock, my wand slipping out of my hand and dropping into the sink in front of me. I gaped and my eyes went wide, as I watched long strands of my hair fall to the ground, far, far longer than they should be.</p><p>“Lee! Oh Merlin, I think I’m losing my bloody mind! I am so nervous, how do I look? Be honest!” I heard Regulus voice behind me, and with my eyes still wide, I looked at the boy through the mirror. </p><p>“Do I look that bad? What do.. oh.. ooh. Shite!” Apparently, he had just noticed how short the hair at the side of my head was now, and the long strands lying on the tiled bathroom floor. </p><p>“Regulus.. are you fecking kidding me?” I raised my hand to my head, leaning closer to inspect the damage I had to work with now. There was no way on earth I could still save this. </p><p>“Well, it is not.. it’s not that bad, you could like.. part your hair on the other side or something.. no?” my best friend tried to help the situation, but I just turned to him, gesturing at the accident on my head. Usually, I would not panic like that, but today was still the Yule ball. And I.. I wanted to look good. Just in case I would talk to Remus. </p><p>“What should I do now?” I hissed, picking up my hair from the ground, not knowing what else to do. There had to be a spell that regrew hair, right? Merlin, there was a potion to make bones grow back, it couldn’t be that hard! Basically the same thing, wasn’t it? I groaned. </p><p>“Blimey, I don’t know mate, let me think..” Reg chewed his lips, gladly totally aware that this fiasco was completely his fault. “Hey, I’ve got an idea!” Regulus finally said after a few minutes and pushed me down to my knees. He picked up the comb that was lying next to the sink and pulled his own wand out of his cloak. “Trust me.”</p><p>I did certainly not trust him, and the position I was in now was super awkward. But I had no other choice really, as Reg promptly started to cut away more and more of my hair. I just closed my eyes as I felt him cutting off the sides, combing the top and also shortening it quite a bit. </p><p>I never really had short hair. My mum had always loved my curls, letting them grow long even when I was just a baby. I wasn’t even sure if I would look good with short hair. What if I had a really weird head shape? Merlin’s beard...</p><p>After a good twenty minutes, when my knees were starting to hurt quite a lot, Regulus finally stepped back.<br/>“Tadaa!” he made, causing me to blink my eyes open, putting on my glasses again which he had made me take off to cut around my ears. I looked into the mirror, not knowing what to say. </p><p>“Whow, this is.. short.” Was what ultimately left my mouth, as I turned my head and touched my hair. The sides were really short, the top gladly still a bit longer, just long enough to still curl up at least. It was.. different. But to my surprise it looked rather good. Different but good. It was not perfect, of course, Regulus was no hairdresser, but it was good enough. <br/>The short sides empathised my cheekbones, making them appear more prominent that they had ever done, and my neck also looked longer. </p><p>“No shaggy dog hair anymore.” Regulus grinned, apparently really proud of himself.</p><p>I frowned, turning towards him.<br/>“So that is what you were always thinking about my haircut? Really? All those years?” I shook my head, as my best friend only laughed at me. “You still owe me for that, just so you know!” I then added, ruffling through my hair to get rid of any trims. It felt.. odd. I could not quite yet say if I liked it.</p><p>“So how do I look?” Reg then asked, reminding me of the actual reason he was even in here. He turned on the spot, raising his eyebrows in question. </p><p>“Dashing.” I commented.</p><p>Reg rolled his eyes.<br/>“No, really, how do I look?”</p><p>“You look good Reg! Really!” I empathised, now with a bit more enthusiasm and less annoyance in my voice. </p><p>“I am really nervous.” With these words, Regulus disappeared from the bathroom, this whole ordeal apparently not enough distraction to calm his first-date nerves. </p><p>I closed, and this time also locked the bathroom door, taking a quick shower to get rid of all the cut off hair on my shoulders. It was weird, feeling my hair so short as I shampooed it. I didn’t even want to think about what my mum would say when I was going home tomorrow. </p><p>I dried off and left the bathroom, starting to dress. I had to rummage a bit through my trunk to find my festive cloak, hoping that I had bothered packing it when I had left home a few months back. I finally found it slightly wrinkled at the bottom of my trunk, but gladly that wasn’t something a quick spell couldn’t fix. Unlike my hair. </p><p>I looked myself in the mirror, adjusting my clothes after I had finished dressing. Black shirt, black tie, black trousers and a black cloak were really quite.. minimal, but the silver buttons and a silver snake pin Narcissa had sent me for my 17th birthday made the whole ensemble look rather elegant. <br/>My worn-down shoes were a stark contrast to that, but I had never bothered investing in a fancy, expensive pair of suit shoes, that I would wear maybe once a year, so they had to do. At least with them I still kind of looked like me.</p><p>I hesitated a bit, unsure of my appearance. I looked.. different. It kind of shocked me what difference something as simple as a different haircut could make. It was far from perfect, of course, and not what a real hairdresser cold produce, but still. I looked.. mature. Not older, but grown up, especially with that elegant cloak. As if I was some rich wizard, waltzing through the ministry. </p><p>I was finished way too early, even with all the distraction going on, and used the time to read through my history of magic essay once more, correcting minor errors I found, and realising that I had to rewrite a whole paragraph, where my sleep deprived brain had confused the Gornuk the great with Tornuk the wise. </p><p>Finally, it was time to leave for the ball, and I had to gather some courage in front of the mirror for another minute, before I went up to the common room. Zissa and Reg were already waiting there, and I hoped that they would not comment on my new appearance too much, as I just hated this kind of attention. </p><p>“Oh wow, Lee! Look at you! You’ve finally got yourself a nice haircut!” Narcissa promptly blurted out, as soon as I had climbed up the stairs to the common room. </p><p>I instantly blushed, resisting the urge to just turn around and go back to the dorm, feeling incredibly self-conscious. <br/>“Blame Reg for it..” I mumbled, trying to ignore her broad grin. </p><p>“Oh well. Thank you, dear cousin!” she joked, causing my best friend to laugh. “Although his shoes.. well, you can’t have everything, I suppose.” Rude.</p><p>Edgar joined us a few minutes later, of course wearing a festive traditional full plaid great kilt instead of a robe, looking very handsome. Together Ed and I left the common room, leaving Zissa and Reg behind who were still waiting on their dates. We made our way to the great hall, where Edgar met Gwendolyn, who blushed heavily seeing him, but who looked just as good with her pretty long, burgundy dress, which matched well with the colour of Edgar’s great kilt. </p><p>I waved them goodbye, and entered the hall alone, not keen on third-wheeling them. </p><p>The great hall was amazingly decorated. Huge trees, which were made to look as if they were covered in snow stood at the walls, with the clear night sky above us creating the illusion of being inside of an enchanted forest. Ivy and mistletoe ranked up the walls and tables, and everything just glittered or shimmered. Small lights floated in the air, chromatic lights dancing on the dancefloor, which looked like a frozen lake. </p><p>I simply stood around for a couple of minutes, just.. taking everything in, while more people entered the hall. There were so many stars visible in the ceiling, and I felt a bit lost, looking up. It reminded me of the long nights spent on the astronomy tower, measuring the distances of the stars, while freezing our fingers off. </p><p>Finally, I sat down at a smaller, empty table, watching more and more students pouring in, most of them just as mesmerised by the decoration as I was.</p><p>I kind of felt.. well, angry was the wrong word, but I noticed my mood turning a bit sour. It could’ve been so much fun, going to the ball. Being here with a date, dancing and laughing and simply having a nice night. But it was not possible for me. Not if I wanted to go with someone I fancied. </p><p>I decided to just wait for the large buffet at one side of the hall to open up, so I could get some of the amazing food that was usually served, before just leaving. Zissa had said that I had to go to the ball, not how long I actually had to stay at the ball. </p><p>The hall filled, mostly with happy looking couples. Zissa, in her expensive silver dress, arm in arm with a, even if I hated to say it, handsome looking Lucy. Regulus, looking good, but mostly just incredibly nervous, together with Edna in a dark green, very tasteful dress. There was Miriam and her boyfriend, both wore robes in matching dark blue tones. </p><p>I also spotted Potter with Lily, both seemingly very happy about their data, making a really beautiful couple, although James’ wine-red cloak clashed a bit with Lily’s red hair. After them Sirius entered, together with a girl I knew from the Ravenclaw quidditch team, and who was wearing a slightly revealing, but incredibly looking dress. Right behind them was Pettigrew, with a short girl I didn’t know on his arm, and it was obvious that he had put a lot of effort into his appearance to look his best. </p><p>Maybe it was mean, but I was honestly a bit shocked that Pettigrew had a date. Remus and I had not talked about it, but now the probability of him having a date.. was somehow not that unrealistic anymore. Remus was after all, despite his scars and grey streaks, very handsome and incredibly kind. And all the other reasons I had fallen for him. And it was not impossible that some girl had not also seen that. </p><p>But my fears were quenched as soon as they had appeared, as finally the last marauder entered the hall, completely on his own, frankly taking my breath away with his neatly combed hair and dark green robe, that fit so perfectly to his amber eyes. I almost swooned. </p><p>Dumbledore officially opened the ball with some.. questionable words, inviting professor McGonagall to dance. A small orchestra, located where usually the teacher’s table was standing, started to play, and many more couples joined the headmaster and the transfiguration teacher on the dancefloor. </p><p>To my enjoyment the buffet was now also opened. I felt incredibly hungry, having skipped all meals today, so I eagerly got up from my spot at the small table and crossed the hall, careful to not run into any couples not paying attention on where they were going. <br/>I grabbed a plate, looking over the extensive buffet, displaying so many amazing foods in front of me. </p><p>There was turkey, beef, pork chops, lamb, venison, boar, fish and chicken, surrounded by stuffing, all kinds of potato dishes, Yorkshire puddings, haggis, and Brussel sprouts, and all sorts of savoury pies and pasties. I saw Christmas pudding, mince pies, sweet bread, stollen, gingerbread, and plum pudding. Large carafes of hot chocolate, punch, butter beer and pumpkin juice. </p><p>I stood there a bit helplessly for a moment, unable to decide what to eat, before simply heaping a bit of everything that I fancied onto my plate. </p><p>“Hungry?” I heard a voice next to me, turning my head and seeing Remus standing next to me, a plate of his own in his hand. </p><p>“Starving!” I answered, unable to supress a smile. </p><p>He mustered me for a moment, before selecting food for himself.<br/>“What have you done with your hair?” he asked, loading potatoes onto his plate.</p><p>I blushed once again, glad that he was preoccupied with the buffet, and not looking at me.<br/>“Well, I actually wanted to trim it a bit, but Regulus burst in and.. well, this was what he saved from the accident that happened. It is quite short, I don’t know if I like it yet.” I felt myself blush even more. </p><p>“Looks good, though. Suits you.” Remus turned to me with a smile, and I had to grin. Butterflies were in my stomach, throwing a party. “Do you mind if I join you to eat?” he then asked. </p><p>“No, of course not.” Came out of my mouth before I even thought about it. Remus smiled at my words, and together we now found a different small table to sit down at. </p><p>The food was truly amazing, and I was glad to have selected a bit of everything. Remus and I started to comment on the couples that passed us, amazed at some of the enchanted dresses and robes we spotted. There was a seventh year Hufflepuff, rocking a completely golden, shimmering cloak, that made him look like a giant snitch. <br/>I had the feeling that, all in all, with Remus at my side this evening might be not as bad as I had thought it would be. Maybe I would stay more than an hour after all. </p><p>In my mind, I could just full on pretend that we were here together, couldn’t I? That he was my date. Who needed dancing or entering the hall together anyways? We were here, we were having fun, and that was all that mattered. The thought made me smile, and my heart was beating fast in my chest. The thought that this daydream would only add to the heartbreak I would experience, I just ignored. </p><p>We finished our meal, and got ourselves some punch, which tasted like blood oranges and spices, continuing to talk and joke around. I wondered why he was not with his friends, but sitting with me, but I didn’t dare to ask, in case it would break the magic.</p><p>I really did not even notice how the time passed, as it felt so natural being with Remus. We talked about the ball, then about the history of the ball and why it was even a thing. Somehow, we even arrived at old muggle myths about Yuletide, and I could not exactly say how we managed to get there. The conversation went fluently from one topic to the other, and there was no awkward silence, no seeking for conversation topics. <br/>Remus was smart and very interesting, it made him even more attractive to me.</p><p>At some point we were unfortunately joined by Macnair, who sat down with a grim expression on his face. He was wearing a worn-out cloak, and it was very obvious that the tall boy did not give a single fuck if he looked good or not. He pulled a bottle of fire whiskey out of his robe, disguised as a tall bottle of pumpkin juice, offering us to drink with him.</p><p>Remus looked a bit uncomfortable with Macnair there, and I could not blame him, as the guy was just straight up creepy most of the time. At least he didn’t talk much, and after taking two shots of his whiskey he got up, to dance with a tall Slytherin girl from our year, leaving the bottle with us. </p><p>While being far too strong for my taste to simply drink it on its own, the whiskey tasted nice mixed into the punch.<br/>“Let’s make this evening a bit more interesting..” I joked, while mixing our drinks. “I don’t even know why I am doing this to myself.” Remus laughed.</p><p>“Because you like me so much.” Remus grinned, pushing me slightly with his shoulder.</p><p>“What?” I asked, eyes growing big for a moment, not sure if he meant what I thought that he meant. Had he somehow found out? Had he guessed what was going on from my behaviour? But he was still here, sitting next to me super relaxed, so he could not know. </p><p>“Heather talked to me, saying that I should tell you that I can go to the ball by myself, so that she can ask you out. She said that you don’t have a date, because you don’t want to leave me alone.” The Gryffindor chuckled amused. </p><p>My cheeks grew red. Oh no.<br/>I had completely forgot to tell him about that. I had been so annoyed by the topic, that I hadn’t bothered to inform him about my alibi. Now that was embarrassing. <br/>“Sorry, she.. I panicked, and that was the first thing that came to mind.” I said honestly. Oh yes, Liam, great idea, just tell him that he was the first thing you thought about when you were asked on a date. <br/>I grabbed my glass, drinking it up.</p><p>“I think it is very nice of you to not leave me alone here. With everyone else having a date, I might not have come.” He ignored my statement, pouring some more whiskey, now without a punch into our glasses, and clinking his own with mine. He took a sip, and I did too, needing something to calm my nerves. But.. had I just understood correctly?</p><p>“You’re here because of me?” I did not know where I took the guts to ask him, but it was out of my mouth before I could really think about it. I blamed the alcohol, even though I didn’t even feel it. </p><p>“Yes, why not? It’s nice, you’re nice.” Remus simply giggled. I furrowed my eyebrows slightly, and it dawned on me, that maybe Remus was already a bit tipsy, not holding back what he was thinking. </p><p>Still, I could not supress a grin. He was really here because of me, and he enjoyed spending time with me. Now this really felt like a date, and it felt as if I had asked him out around four corners. The next words that came out of my mouth were.. maybe not the best idea, but I tried to play it off as a joke. </p><p>“Well then, I should’ve just asked you out directly, eh?” I laughed, my face probably red as a tomato. Before he replied I got up, grabbing our glasses. “I’m going to get us another drink.” </p><p>I needed to calm myself down a bit, and refilling our cups was a good distraction. I hoped he took my words as a joke, and that I didn’t scare him off. <br/>It was silly, I knew. As Regulus said, I would only get my heart broken if I indulged any further in this fantasy, but right now I felt giddy, like probably a lot of other people in the hall felt right now, being at the ball with a date they fancied at their side. For the first time in ages I felt just like.. everybody else. </p><p>It was probably already shortly before midnight, when the music started to change from the nice classical music to something more contemporary. I recognised some of the songs from the wizard radio my mum and sister always listened to, and there was a noticeable change in the mood inside the hall, with couples now dancing more freely. </p><p>I returned to Remus after a bathroom break, finding him slightly moving his head to the music. There was a noticeable dent in the fire whiskey, and I noticed that it affected me. <br/>Lupin leaned against my shoulder as I sat down, immediately continuing our conversation from before, where we had intensely discussed how one could build a magic powered aeroplane. </p><p>Of course, Remus knew a lot about muggle technology, telling me that in his house in Wales there were a lot of muggle devices, and his mother didn’t like too much magic being used around them. I on the other hand was quite well read in magic theory, and the debate got quite heated. </p><p>“You can’t just.. look, you can’t just use cables, or whatever, to guide the magic as if it was electricity. Magic has completely different probability functions, it would just spring around however it liked.” I tried to sort my thoughts. </p><p>“But if you would use silver cables, it would be more stable.” Remus argued. “You could actually work with silver cables, if you find a material that is able to isolate it enough.”</p><p>“But what could you use as isolation? In such a tiny space, nevertheless. Plastic doesn’t do anything, magic does not give a feck about plastic.” </p><p>Remus ran his thumb over his lower lip in thought, nodding. I felt my heart beating fast again, watching him. I was probably blushing again. Before my tipsy brain would do anything stupid, staring down at his lips, I said the very first thing that came to mind.</p><p>“Hey, do you want to go out for a bit?” I asked. “Get some fresh air?”</p><p>Remus nodded, sitting up, and I regretted not feeling his body against mine anymore. Together we got up, and I noticed him swaying a little, and holding onto me, so he would not tumble over. It had hit me before, but now again, how much I felt the alcohol. It had been a bad idea to mix the whiskey with the sweet punch, I knew that now. </p><p>“You alright?” I asked Remus, who nodded. </p><p>“I feel.. tipsy but not drunk. A bit, maybe, but like.. a drunk that is a tipsy in half an hour or so.” He tried to explain. His words were not slurred, so he really was not that drunk after all. Still, he gestured a bit too much with his hand to be sober. </p><p>“Aye right.” I laughed. </p><p>Giggling we left the hall, though I noticed out of the corner of my eye how Heather, who was there with some of her friends and dressed in a beautiful emerald dress, watched me leave with a sad expression on her face. It shocked me, how little I cared in this moment. </p><p>Remus arm was around my waist, mine around his shoulder, both of us in a very good mood, being at the Yule ball together. Nothing else was important right now. My skin was on fire, and his touch felt so incredible, that I felt my brain cells slowly turning themselves off.</p><p>“Where to?” I asked. “The inner courtyards are usually beautifully decorated during the ball.”</p><p>“Then let’s go there!” Remus grinned, already pulling me through the entry hall and a corridor, that lead to the gate to one of the courtyards. It was the biggest one, and a popular location to spend time between classes when the weather was nice. </p><p>I was unable to describe how good his arm around my waist felt, how it made my head spin and my heart pound uncontrollably. I could not think of much else.</p><p>We opened the heavy door, snow blowing right into our faces. The air was cold and biting, but a nice contrast to how hot I felt. It was also a bit sobering. </p><p>“How is it snowing? The ceiling in the hall was showing a completely clear sky?” I raised an eyebrow, looking up at the white clouds above. </p><p>“Not sure, maybe Dumbledore manipulated the enchantment?” Remus shrugged. “The courtyard is really pretty, though.” He then added with a smile. </p><p>And it really was. Just like inside the great hall, many tall trees littered the courtyard, now covered in real snow, instead of magical one, and there were dozens of those chromatic light orbs floating around. The snow drowned out any noise around us, and this time I truly felt as if I was deep inside a magical enchanted forest, the outside world forgotten. As if I had stepped into a fairy ring.<br/>Ivy and holly grew up the stone hallway around the yard, and long icicles hung down from their roofs. </p><p>Remus grabbed my hand, pulling my further into the courtyard, between the tall trees. I felt my face blush when he took my hand, not knowing what to think. This whole situation felt like a dream, and was just so romantic that I could not focus on anything anymore. </p><p>“Are we in a fairy tale right now?” It came out of my mouth, and Remus turned to me with a broad grin.</p><p>“Seems like it, doesn’t it?” he laughed, sadly letting go of my hand. He was so pretty in the magical light of the floating light orbs, his face full of pure joy. My heart melted.</p><p>“Are you alright?” Remus then asked, still smiling, pulling me out of my thoughts and making me realise that I had just been staring at him, probably with the most embarrassing dreamy expression on my face. I quickly turned away, instead looking around the courtyard again. </p><p>“Yea, I’m just.. mesmerised.” Well, that was not even a lie. I really wanted to kiss him right now. </p><p>I felt his hand on my arm, a soft touch, turning me around. He still smiled at me and was so, so close that I could see the lights dancing in his amber eyes. </p><p>“Me too..” he said, looking up to me, our eyes locked. I could not look away, not even blink. I really, really wanted to kiss him right now.</p><p>And so I.. just did.<br/>Slowly, to allow him enough time to react, I reached out, putting my hands around his face. Carefully I pushed a strand of hair out of his face, before closing the small distance between us. Remus looked at me with big eyes, but it was not a shocked expression. <br/>I closed my eyes, and our lips finally met, my heart stopping for a moment at the first kiss I had ever had. </p><p>After so many weeks of pining, of thinking of him, of spending time with him, unable to do this, I felt the butterflies in my stomach escalating, my heart racing like the hooves of a hippogriff in heat. His lips were soft and slightly cold, and more than I could’ve dreamt of. </p><p>At first, I was sure that he would push me away, disgusted by my actions and yelling at me what on earth was wrong with me, but instead of doing any of this, Remus started to move his lips against mine, reciprocating the kiss, and putting his arms around me. </p><p>I heard my blood rushing through my ears, as we kissed. Our tongues met quickly, although our movements were slightly off, obviously showing that this was not only my, but also his first kiss. </p><p>I could not say how long we were standing there, embraced with each other, but we finally broke apart. I opened my eyes, looking at Remus, who stood there with red cheeks, red lips and slightly out of breath. I didn’t know what to say, afraid to break the spell between us. </p><p>“I’m cold.” Remus finally said, after a long moment of silence, where I had gotten lost in his eyes. </p><p>“It is cold..” I answered, not even aware of how dumb I sounded.</p><p>“We should go inside.” </p><p>“Yes..” I swallowed. “Wouldn’t want you to get sick again..” </p><p>Remus smiled at my words, taking my hand into his again and pulling me back through the courtyard and to the gates, leading back into the castle. As always in the winter months, the castle itself was never warm, but it was good to get out of the snow. There was snow in Remus hair, and he looked so pretty. </p><p>Music from the great hall reached us, and returning to the entry hall I spotted a few students sitting on the benches, talking, probably also taking a break from the ball. I let go of Remus hand, as I didn’t think it would be good if random people would see it. </p><p>I didn’t want to go back inside and pretend as if nothing had just happened. I wanted to continue this, I wanted to kiss Remus even more, to spend time with him, without anyone else around, where I could just be myself. <br/>I looked at the Gryffindor, who chewed his lower lip, looking as if he was deep in thought. </p><p>“I don’t want to go back to the ball.” I said honestly, causing him to look up at me.</p><p>“Me neither.” He smiled, his hand brushing against mine for a moment. “Follow me.” He smiled shily, making his way over to the great stairs. I quickly followed him, of course I bloody did, climbing up to the first floor, finally out of sight of the other students. </p><p>As soon as no one was around anymore, I reached for Remus hand again, and to my excitement he did not pull away, but interlinked his fingers with mine. He pressed a kiss onto my lips, before pulling me further. </p><p>We went up a few more flights of stairs, and along a few corridors, when suddenly Remus pushed me through a large tapestry of a medieval battle on the wall. I found myself in a quite cosy, secret passage, illuminated by a small candle that had ignited itself as soon as we had entered. There were some cobwebs in the corners and a pretty painting of a tree, leaves floating in the wind. There was also a small sofa. </p><p>“Wow..” I looked around, never having seen this passage before. But frankly, I didn’t know many secret passages in the castle. </p><p>“I often hide here, when I want to be alone.. I don’t think anyone apart from us even know about this.” Remus turned to me with a smile. </p><p>“Now you’re hiding here with me.” It was not a question. My heart pounded in my chest.</p><p>“Now I also want to be alone with you.” Remus closed up to me, putting his hands around my neck, pulling me into another kiss. I sighed, as fireworks exploded in my stomach, the kiss quickly intensifying, more than the one we had shared in the courtyard. </p><p>I put my hand on Remus’ hips to pull him even closer, flush against me. In a swift movement I turned the two of us, to press him against the cool stone wall with my own body, causing him to sigh into my mouth. A shiver ran down my spine, and the kiss started to heavily affect me. </p><p>His fingers wandered over my shoulders, setting on my chest, and to my surprise, started to open the silver fastenings of my cloak, pushing the black fabric off my shoulders. Arousal flooded through me, as I let my robe drop onto the floor, now myself trying to rid Remus of his own.</p><p>The kiss was now all teeth and tongue and his lips were so insanely soft, softer than I had ever imagined them to be. This kiss, this moment was the best thing that I had ever experienced, better than flying on a broom, better than whatever it was that Casper and I had had. </p><p>I was yanked out of my thoughts by Remus, pulling my tie off my neck, opening the first few buttons of my shirt. I pried open the bow tie he was wearing, even if it looked very cute on him, desperately pressing my hips against his, wanting to feel if Remus was as affected by our actions as I was. Another shiver ran down my spine when the Gryffindor gasped against my lips. </p><p>I felt myself growing harder and harder in my trousers, and my thoughts disappeared in a whirlwind of feelings and emotions. </p><p>Remus had opened my shirt entirely now, pulling it out of my trousers and off my torso. I shivered, feeling his cool hands wander over my muscles, that I had acquired from years of playing quidditch. </p><p>Suddenly, he pushed me away, and I was only a moment away from panicking, from thinking that maybe Remus had changed his mind, not wanting to do this after all. But all my fears were stopped, when the Gryffindor just took my hand, pulling me to the sofa and lying down. It was just big enough to fit us, although I had to be careful not to fall off.</p><p>I was above him now, kissing him again, supporting myself on one arm, while the other one opened his shirt with shaking fingers. My heart was pounding even quicker now, and I was very, very nervous. It wasn’t like I had never done something like this before, I had even done way more than that, but I had never done this with someone who was so important to me, someone I had such strong feelings for. </p><p>I could not hold myself back, and grinded my hips against his. Remus moaned into my mouth, and if I didn’t have some kind of self-control, I would’ve probably come into my pants right then and there. But gladly, I had a bit of self-control, although not enough to not just do it again.</p><p>Remus hands, which had roamed my torso up until now, slowly moved down my sides and stomach, finally reaching my belt. With clumsy fingers he opened it, together with my trousers, his slightly shaking hands revealing that he was just as nervous as I was. </p><p>I had opened his shirt, running my fingers over his chest, feeling even more scars beneath my fingertips. I wanted to look, but did not dare, afraid that I would make him feel self-conscious. Besides the scares, his skin was soft, and there were soft hairs on his chest and stomach, which I found very attractive. </p><p>Remus shivered under my touch, and after opening my fly, he pushed my trousers don from my hips. I thought a moment about trying to get rid of them entirely, but could not even finish that thought, as Remus slender hand slipped right into my underwear, starting to stroke my hard member. </p><p>Now it was I who moaned, and I had to break the kiss for air. This felt just.. amazing. I tried to kiss the Gryffindor again, but I could not entirely focus on what my mouth was doing. I felt Remus smile against my lips, as he gripped my erection even stronger. </p><p>He started to kiss my cheek, jaw, moving down to my neck. I bucked into his hand when he started to suck and bite my skin, my mails digging into his sides. </p><p>Frantically I moved my hand down his torso, to open his trousers as well, and he raised his hips slightly to help me slide them down. I pushed his underwear down too, wrapping my own hand around his shaft. </p><p>Remus loudly moaned against the skin of my neck, the sound so incredible, so close to my ear, that I had to focus to make this last a bit longer. I lowered my head to kiss his collarbone, spotting a scar running over it. </p><p>Maybe it was because we were still a bit intoxicated, maybe it was due to our inexperience, but our rhythms were out of sync. I felt myself itching closer and closer to the edge, but not quite reaching it. </p><p>Finally, I let go of Remus cock, who groaned in frustration, pushing his hand off mine, before aligning my hips with his. I pulled down my own pants, before grabbing both our members with my hand. </p><p>Now that.. that felt incredible. We both moaned in unison and I started to move, building up a quick, strong pace, while my lips found his again. It was a sloppy kiss, but it was amazing.<br/>Remus arched his back beneath me, completely lost in his arousal, in the feelings that I made him feel. This was insanely hot. </p><p>He bucked against me, into my hand, against my erection, his hands running over my body again, one burying itself into my short hair, intensifying this chaotic kiss. </p><p>Remus came, moaning loudly into my mouth, his nails digging into my back. He quivered, breaking the kiss, moaning again as my movements did not stop, could not stop. I was so, so close, just..</p><p>Lupin bit my lip, and that was apparently all I needed to fall over the edge, to come hard into my hand and onto Remus stomach, my toes curling up and tingling, my head spinning. I tried my best not to collapse onto Remus, breathing into his neck, breathing in his scent.</p><p>We stayed like this for a while, both calming down, not moving, just enjoying the blissful aftermath of what we had just done. Remus had idly stroked through my hair, and I could not explain why this made me feel so good. </p><p>Finally, after a few minutes or so, I sat up, and we moved a bit so we both could sit comfortable next to each other. Remus cheeks were red, and a broad smile was on his face. I smiled back, pressing a short, but meaningful kiss onto his red lips. </p><p>“We’re a mess.” Remus finally spoke with a laugh, looking down our bodies. I grimaced and nodded, before moving over a bit to pull my cloak towards me without having to get up. I grabbed my wand, pointing it at Remus.</p><p>“Scourgify!” I said, before doing the same to me, removing any evidence that could stain our clothes. I did not trust myself to do this simple spell non-verbal right now, not in the state I was in.</p><p>“When we learnt that in our fourth year, I’d never have thought I would need it for something like this.” Remus joked, and I had to laugh. </p><p>“Me neither!”</p><p>We sat together, kissing and hugging, only pulling up our trousers. Remus’ torso, or the part that I could see thanks to his still unbuttoned shirt, was truly covered in scars, and I tried not to make him think that I was staring at them. </p><p>There were so many things I wanted to say, so much I wanted to ask him, but I also did not want to break the relaxed and comfortable mood we were in. I had to say and ask those things, but not tonight. </p><p>Finally, we dressed again, feeling cold in the small passage. It was quite late already, and we both knew that we would not return to the ball, especially not looking as dishevelled as we certainly did. </p><p>We left the secret passage together, Remus interlocking his fingers with mine again. We wandered to the great stairs, after making sure we had not left anything behind, and I felt strangely calm, and not as nervous as I usually did around the Gryffindor. </p><p>“Thank you for this great evening.” I whispered into his ear, kissing him one last time, and putting all my feelings into it. Remus smiled when we broke apart. </p><p>“Next time, you really should just invite me directly.” He winked, pressing a short peck onto my lips. He let go of my hand, looking into my eyes one last time, before he made his way up towards his own common room. I watched him until he was out of sight, before descending the stairs, to reach the dungeons.</p><p>I had to cross the entry hall, to reach the stairs down to the dungeon, hurrying through it and hoping that no one would pay too much attention to me, as there were still a few students around. </p><p>I was so happy, so joyful, that I felt as if I could just explode. Everything I had dreamt of had come true, everything I could’ve ever hoped for. Remus.. Remus and I..<br/>I made a little jump and dance, that would have been very embarrassing if anyone would have seen it, before entering the common room.</p><p>There was no one around, as the younger students were all already in bed, and older students either also asleep, or at the ball. <br/>I entered the dorm of the 7th years, ignoring the shocked expression on Snape's face, who was still awake and reading, only pulling off my festive robe, and letting myself fall onto the bed, where I fell asleep almost instantly. </p><p>The large hickey on my neck, the confused hair, and the wrongly buttoned up shirt, I didn’t even notice anymore.</p>
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<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Christmas at Home.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Happy Yule!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I was woken up the next morning, by a loud thud of a trunk being carelessly thrown shut. Confused I sat up, blinking and trying to see something, my head pounding painfully. I found my glasses lying next to me on the bed, putting them on.</p><p>Everyone else in my dorm was already dressed, packing up their last belongings and leaving the room. Oh yes.<br/>Today was the first day of the Christmas holidays, and I too had decided to go home this year. And I was very late. Shite. </p><p>Quickly I got up, swaying a little, before hurrying into the bathroom, ignoring Macnair laughing at me from behind. </p><p>I undressed, now finally noticing the misbuttoned shirt, but also the not even remotely subtle hickeys on my neck. Blimey, those I had to try and cover up somehow. Or else I would have to face a few very, very uncomfortable questions I really didn’t want to answer. <br/>I showered quickly, but when I returned to the dorm, everyone else was already gone. A quick glance at the clock on my nightstand told me that I had fifteen minutes to get down to the train. Shite.</p><p>I dressed in a hurry, meanwhile tossing the few things I needed over the winter break into my trunk. I didn’t have time to neatly pack anything, and I’d just have to make sure that my mum would not see this mess when I came home. </p><p>Of course, there was no time for breakfast, and I dragged my suitcase out of the dungeons, my cloak only halfway up my shoulders, running to the castle gates and just barely catching the last carriage that would bring me down to Hogsmeade. </p><p>I truly felt horrible this morning, and the stress and hurry made it even worse. The cool winter air felt great on my head though, numbing my headache slightly. I breathed deeply, resting my eyes a bit.<br/>When we had reached the train station, I had to hurry again, running onto the platform and managing to heave my suitcase into the Hogwarts Express, only seconds before I heard the whistle, signalling that the train would depart. </p><p>Completely out of breath I simply dropped to the floor of the corridor for a few minutes, resting my back against the wall of the train, until I felt confident that I could get up without throwing up. Just as at the start of the year, I started to make my way through the train, looking for the compartment where I would find Regulus. </p><p>Sitting somewhere in the middle of the train, I found him, receiving a broad grin when I entered the compartment.<br/>“Good morning, mate! I almost thought you wouldn’t come!” he laughed, helping me to store my trunk above our heads. </p><p>“I overslept.” I let myself drop onto the seats, immediately slipping off my shoes and lying down, using my bag as a pillow, and pulling my cloak over me like a blanket. “That was one.. hell of a night, last night.” I rubbed my hands over my face. </p><p>“Oh, I see that.” Regulus laughed again, gesturing at my neck. Oh yes. I really should try and hide this before I got home. “So I take.. he didn’t break your heart, then? Or was that someone else?”</p><p>I could not supress a wide grin, feeling my cheeks go red.<br/>“No, no.. it was him.” I said. </p><p>“I’m.. I’m happy for you, Lee.” He truly looked like he meant it. “I’ll be honest, when you told me you were in love with Lupin, I.. I was sad for you. But hey, apparently it worked out, so hurray!” </p><p>I was glad that he only said he was sad for me, because the chances of Remus reciprocating my feelings was quite low, and not that he was sad for me for being gay in general. Regulus once again showed me, that he was indeed a good egg. </p><p>“So, what happened?” Regulus then asked, a curious glint in his storm grey eyes.</p><p>“Do you really want to know?” I sat up a bit, but generally was still half laying down, raising an eyebrow at my best friend. </p><p>“No details! But like..” he gestured vaguely. “How did it happen?”</p><p>“Well, I don’t know if you saw us, but we sat together most of the evening, just.. having fun. There was also fire whiskey involved.” I started.</p><p>“Oh no, you always get so touchy when you’re drunk.” Regulus grimaced, but laughed. </p><p>“Remus apparently too.” I grinned. “Anyways, we left for fresh air, ending up in the courtyard where.. we kissed.” I blushed. “In the snow, surrounded by trees and lights and.. blimey, Reg, it was so bloody romantic, I could not have imagined it any better.” </p><p>“That does sound super cheesy.” Reg agreed. “But, to put it bluntly, you don’t look as if that was everything.” </p><p>I put my arm over my face, to hide it from Regulus, as I felt myself blush even more. <br/>“Nah, you’re right. That was not it.” I swallowed, thinking about how to say it, without saying too much. “We went.. ahm.. we went to a.. room. And..” I swallowed again. “I’ll just say there was more than kissing.” </p><p>This was frankly the best way I could put it, without giving too much away. Reg didn’t need to know, and probably also didn’t want to know any more than that.</p><p>“And you didn’t even want to go, mate!” Reg got up, just to lightly box my arm, before he dropped onto his seat again. “I’m happy for you!”</p><p>“Thanks.” I ran my hands through my hair, looking over to him again. “And what about you? You and Edna? How did it go?”</p><p>“Well..” a broad grin appeared on his face, and the tips of his ears turned slightly red. “We’re.. a couple.” He giggled. He looked so excited it was adorable.</p><p>The rest of the train ride we spent talking about the ball more in general, and about him and Edna. He seemed really in love, telling me that he planned to take her on a date to Hogsmeade after the holidays, and what he wanted to give her for Christmas. I was happy for him, and also that Edna seemed nice, and most importantly.. normal. She was not from a sacred twenty-eight family, therefore not related to him, and from what he told me, had friends from different houses, as well as muggleborns. She would be a very good influence on him.</p><p>Reg was not happy to go home, he never really was. His parents, as always, insisted that he did, throwing a giant Christmas party every year, with even the most extended family showing up, and as the sacred twenty-eight were all related to each other, it was always a massive event with many well-known faces, as well as far too many suspected death eaters.</p><p>I honestly worried for Reg every year, this year more than ever. The war had always been.. bad, but now it truly felt like it was about to escalate. So sending him figuratively in the lion’s den had me worried sick.</p><p>“Happy holidays! Take care!” I hugged Reg, handing him a small present I had kept in my bag. It was just filled with some sweets from Honey Dukes, but I knew he liked them. And Reg had never commented on my ‘cheap’ presents, as he knew I was not rich.</p><p>“Happy Christmas, mate! Thanks!” Reg also handed me a present, a bigger one which was rather heavy, before letting go of me and walking over to his family, who was already waiting for him. As every time she saw me, Walburga Black mustered me with great distaste. </p><p>I quickly put the present into my bag, and wrapped my Slytherin scarf around my neck, so I could hide the hickeys from my family, at least for a while, until I figured out a way to remove them. I grabbed my trunk and wandered along the platform, looking for my parents. </p><p>There were so many people, so many families greeting their children, that it was hard to spot anyone I knew, but finally a broad smile sneaked onto my face. I saw not my parents waiting for me, but my older sister, Artemis, who ran towards me. She was an Obliviator for the ministry, living in Nottingham, and I sadly did not see her as often as I liked, as her job was incredibly busy. </p><p>“Liam! How are you? Nice haircut!” she hugged me tightly, pressing a short kiss onto my cheek. </p><p>“Reg’s fault, long story.” I not even tried to explain. She knew Reg well enough, though, to know what he was like. “Did you manage to be off work for the holidays?” I then asked after she had let go of me. </p><p>Together we left the platform, to walk through the barrier between the platform 9 ¾ and into the muggle world. I let my eyes wander around a bit, but did not spot Remus nor his friends anywhere. They had probably already left. </p><p>“Yes, thankfully! But it sure wasn’t easy, and I didn’t manage to get new year’s off. No one had, frankly, but you really can’t imagine what is going on during that day. We have twelve-hour shifts, the whole night!” she sighed, throwing her long black hair over her shoulder, and right into my face.</p><p>I grimaced, changing from her right to her left side. <br/>“Where are mum and dad?” I asked, after we had stepped through the barrier.</p><p>Oh yes, the muggle world! Electric lights, cars, and all of that, now being a bit less mysterious to me, after all the study sessions with Remus. </p><p>“Granny Christine and great aunt Wilma are already on visit, and you know how those two are when they are together, especially in a magical household.” Artemis laughed. </p><p>My muggle gran and her sister. Some of the best people I had ever met, and probably the reason why I was so fascinated by muggle things. <br/>“You know, we’re going to be just like them, when we are old.” I giggled.</p><p>“By Merlin, I hope not!” my sister answered, playfully serious but then laughing, as we left Kings Cross and walked for a bit, to find a small and very unsuspicious alley between two tall houses. This was a quite popular apparating location, made possible by a set of spells, shielding it from muggle view. </p><p>We got into position, when Artemis suddenly mustered me, amusement in her face. <br/>“I know, you may think that that scarf is totally covering up your hickeys, Liam, but it is, in fact, not.” She grinned.</p><p>I blushed, putting my hand on my neck. Artemis laughed.<br/>“Yesterday was Yule ball, right?” she rolled her eyes, pulling out her wand. “Teenagers..” </p><p>“Oi, you’re only 21, you’re barely not a teenager anymore.” I hissed, but she ignored me.</p><p>With a well-placed spell, that tickled my neck horribly, she did not make my hickeys disappear, but covered them up somehow. <br/>“Don’t want to take away your nice memory, eh?” she winked, stepping back a bit as a family now also entered the alley with some smaller children, disapparating in front of us. </p><p>“Thanks..” I grumbled. </p><p>“Do you want, or shall I?” Artemis then just asked, raising her eyebrows. </p><p>“Um, you go, I am not yet good enough to apparate side by side.” I admitted. </p><p>My sister nodded, putting out her arm for me to hold onto. A moment later I had the familiar feeling of being pressed through an insanely tight hose, before just like that, we were standing in front of our small, but cosy home, white, limewashed walls and a thatched roof, in the snowy countryside of Northern Ireland. It was very windy, and I could hear the ocean beating against the cliffs. Home sweet home. </p><p>“Hello! I’m home!” I shouted, after opening the door, entering the warm, cosy hallway of our house, pulling my suitcase in after me. It smelled like rosemary and wood, and the old stone floor of our cottage was covered in many colourful carpets. The white limewashed walls stood in stark contrast to the dark wooden beams holding up the ceiling. </p><p>A moment later my mum, Theodora, hurried out of the living room, her long black hair in an untidy bun on top of her head, and a bit of earth on her cheek. My mum was a herbologist, spending most of her time in the greenhouse attached to the back of our cottage, even in winter. </p><p>“Liam!” she said happily, pulling me into a tight hug. </p><p>“Hi, mum.” I hugged her back, before she let go of me, mustering me with her hands still on my shoulders. She looked a bit shocked.</p><p>“My dear boy, whatever have you done to your wonderful hair?” she ruffled through my short strands, shaking her head in disappointment. </p><p>“There was a hair-cutting-accident yesterday, and it was entirely Regulus’ fault!” I grimaced, leaning back a bit so she could not reach my head anymore. I was about a head taller than her, so it was not that difficult.</p><p>“Well, it is a pity. But it will grow back, so not everything is lost.” My mother smiled. </p><p>I had to chuckle, dropping my bag onto my trunk, which I put next to the old, creaky, dark wooden stairs, leading up to the second floor. I then looked past my mum, seeing my dad, Claudius, standing in the doorway. I looked very much like him, we had the same grey eyes and almost the same face, and I was just as tall as him. His hair was light brown though, his temples slowly growing grey. </p><p>“Dad.” I hugged him too, slipping past my mum. Our relationship sadly was not the best, ever since I started Hogwarts. He had been quite disappointed when I had been sorted into Slytherin. He himself had been a proud Gryffindor, and captain of the quidditch team, so seeing his own son being part of a rival house was something he was not very happy about. Also, as I only found out last year, after my mother had told me after one too many glasses of sherry, that he had been horribly bullied by the Slytherins of his year, who called him a ‘mudblood’ and what not.</p><p>I was sad, feeling bad for my dad for having experienced something like this, and also seeing that he could never really be happy for me, when Slytherin won the house cup, let alone the quidditch cup. </p><p>“I heard granny Christine is here?” I asked, looking past him and into the living room. </p><p>“Hello Liam.” My gran and her sister, both with white, short hair and thick glasses, were sitting in our small living room, tea and biscuits on the small, wooden table in front of them. </p><p>I happily greeted both of them, earning a kiss on the cheek each, and had to sit down and start to tell them everything that had happened since we had last seen each other on my birthday in August. </p><p>I liked my gran, a lot. When I was a child, me and Artemis often spent a few weeks during the summer over with her in Galway, after my grandfather had passed. She and her sister Wilma often took us to see many castles and the Cliffs of Moher. It had always been incredibly exciting, mostly because we were driving in her car, and I had absolutely no idea how that worked. </p><p>An hour later dinner was ready, and my dad served his famous cottage pie. I had brought in the wooden table, that usually stood outside in the garden, where we ate during the summer if the weather allowed it. Our regular dinner table was too small to accommodate all of us, especially tomorrow, for Christmas day, when even more family members would visit us. </p><p>During dinner I told my family all about my meeting with Ludo Bagman, and even my dad was listening up, as the Wasps were also his favourite quidditch team. He was a bit less happy about me being part of the Slug club, though, not having liked Slughorn in his own school years. </p><p>“He is just such a slimy man, just out to make himself famous friends.” He always said, shaking his head. “Pinnacle of Slytherin.”</p><p>It was already quite late when I finally dragged my suitcase up the stairs and into my small room, overlooking our garden. My walls were limewashed like the rest of the house, but also covered in photographs of me and Reg, and the quidditch team. I had also hung up Slytherin banners and flags, next to newspaper articles about the Wasps, together with a few posters I had bought with my pocket money during the few games we had actually attended. </p><p>I let myself drop onto my bed, incredibly tired after the long day, following just such a short night of sleep. Last night.. I sighed.</p><p>One of my hands subconsciously touched the skin on my neck, where I knew the hickeys were magically hidden. I wished I had seen Remus on the train, to maybe talk to him about.. about what we were now. I knew he had planned to go home over the holidays, and to celebrate New Year’s Eve with his friends. I felt.. weird, leaving it just like that. </p><p>Despite my tiredness I got up, waving my fingers at a candle at my desk to ignite it, before sitting down and grabbing a piece of parchment from a drawer in my desk. <br/>Thoughtfully I looked out of my window, which was right above my desk, the complete darkness outside turning it into a mirror, reflecting my pale, exhausted looking face in the candlelight. I was not sure what to write, what to say. I didn’t want to just straight up say anything about what had happened, just in case someone else would read the letter, but I also didn’t want to seem as if I pretended that nothing had happened between us.</p><p>Finally, I opened my inkbottle, grabbed a quill, and started to write. </p><p>‘Dear Remus,</p><p>I’m sorry that we missed each other this morning, I overslept and almost missed the train to London! I really have to try and stop being late all the time. I hope you are well and didn’t suffer the same headache as I after waking up.’</p><p>I leaned back, chewing my lower lip. How.. how should I convey what I was.. feeling? Should I just say that I enjoyed the evening? Wouldn’t that sound super lame?<br/>Casper and I had never even talked about anything we had done with each other, so I had absolutely no experience in this field at all. </p><p>Remus was really important to me, and in such a short time, I had developed quite strong feelings for the Gryffindor. He was smart, funny and so kind, always with an open ear and interesting opinions. How could I tell him all that in a simple letter?</p><p>I dipped my quill into the ink again, continuing to write.</p><p>‘Ireland is full of snow, I hope in Wales you also have a white Christmas. I know you are spending New Year’s Eve at Potter’s place, but if you don’t have anything else planned during the holidays, would you like to meet up? Maybe go for a cup of tea in Diagon Alley? I think we have a lot to talk about. Just write me, if you like.</p><p>Happy holidays and much love<br/>Liam</p><p>P.S.: Be careful with that owl, Hugo bites! But who wouldn’t with that kind of name?’</p><p>I felt nervous as I waited for the ink to dry, before I folded the parchment and put it into an envelope. I heated a bit of wax over the candle on my desk, sealing the letter. <br/>The rest of my family was already in bed by the time I left my room, which was good as I really didn’t want any questions on why I was writing a letter at this time, and who it was for. </p><p>I climbed the small ladder, which lead into the tiny attic of the cottage, which we had turned into an owlery for our family owl, a big, constantly angry looking eagle owl. It was very cold up here, so I just quickly went over to Hugo, attaching the letter to his leg and skilfully evading his sharp beak, only waiting for the owl to take off and fly out of the open window, before I quickly returned to the warmth of the house. </p><p>I felt a bit giddy, after sending the letter, hoping that Remus would answer me by tomorrow. Considering the late hour, though, it would maybe be the day after that. I prepared for bed, and after some minor tossing and turning, fell asleep. </p><p>The next day I awoke around midday, feeling far better than I had the day before. Outside my window I saw that it was snowing heavily today, which was quite fitting for Christmas day, although it thwarted my plans to take my dad’s broom and to fly a bit over the countryside. I got up and dressed, checking my neck in the mirror where the spell my sister had cast had apparently worn off, and where the large, purple-red hickeys were now visible once again. </p><p>“Shite..” I cursed, hoping that I would meet Artemis before the rest of the family would see me, so she could hide the marks again. Or at least teach me the spell, so I could do it myself. </p><p>I left my room to brush my teeth, before knocking on the door of Artemis old room, where she still stayed when she visited. <br/>“Art, are you in?” I asked. </p><p>“Come in.” my sister answered, and I opened the door, finding her sitting on the broad windowsill, reading. A familiar picture, as this was her favourite spot. </p><p>When she had been still living here, the many shelves that covered the walls of her room had been full of books of any kind, muggle and wizard fiction alike, but now they were almost empty, most of her possessions taken to Nottingham. </p><p>“Hey, can you.. you know.. hide this?” I gestured at my neck, causing Artemis to look up from her reading and giggle. </p><p>“Only if you tell me who it was.” She closed her book, putting it aside. </p><p>Of course, she would ask. She knew that I had never had a girlfriend, and that I had never spoken about anyone I liked. Now, seeing me with massive hickeys on my neck of course must’ve piqued her interest, who it might be. </p><p>I sighed, closing the door behind me. Telling her.. something.. was still better than having to explain the marks on my neck to my parents. And extended family, who would be here in just a few hours. <br/>I sat down next to her on the windowsill, looking out into the snow. </p><p>“I.. I got to know someone, who sits next to me in arithmancy. We became good friends over the last few months and.. yes. Kind of went to the Yule ball together and.. this happened.” I vaguely told her. Technically not a lie. </p><p>“Oh, I’m happy for you, Liam!” Art grinned. “So, are you together now?”</p><p>“I’m trying to figure that part out.. we have not spoken about it. We didn’t see each other yesterday, but I wrote a letter.” It was hard to avoid using any pronouns, but I managed it. </p><p>“Are you going to tell me her name? Or her house at least?” </p><p>“I.. I don’t want to say anything unless I know it will work out.” I evaded her question. “But the house is Gryffindor.” </p><p>“Dad will be very happy about that, at least, if it does work out.” I highly doubted that. </p><p>“Would be really cool of you to keep it to yourself, though. For now.” </p><p>“Of course! Your secret romance is safe with me.” She winked. </p><p>“So, are you going to hide those now, or not?” I changed the topic, pointing at my neck. </p><p>“Alright, alright.” Artemis giggled again, grabbing her wand, which was lying next to her, and casting the same spell as yesterday, hiding the marks on my skin. </p><p>“Thanks!” I got up and left. At least Artemis knew that I often didn’t want to talk about certain topics that were.. really personal, or topics I still had to think about, and didn’t continue to question me. Other than Zissa and Potter, she knew what boundaries were, and respected mine. This was one of the reasons why she had been a prefect and head girl. </p><p>With my hickeys now well-hidden I went downstairs, grabbing a piece of toast lying in the kitchen, which was still left over from breakfast, and sat down next to Christine and Wilma, who were playing a muggle card game. Next to them also my grandparents from Scotland would visit us, together with my uncle Gavin, who was my mum’s brother and donator of much of my clothes, and who therefore had pretty much the same style I had. He would also bring his wife Charlotte, and his twins, who were about five. Christmas was always quite a big gathering for us, although we didn’t have such a big family. </p><p>My dad was already cooking in the kitchen, as always refusing help from anyone. He loved to cook, and he loved to cook without magic, claiming it tasted way better if he prepared it the muggle way, just like my gran had taught him. I couldn’t say, really, as it just tasted the same for me either way, but as long as it made him happy, I had no issue with it. </p><p>My gran had just finished explaining the game she and her sister were playing, when suddenly I heard an impatient knocking at the kitchen window. </p><p>“Liam, can you let Hugo in, please? I’ve got my hands full!” I heard my dad, who was frantically stirring a pot. </p><p>“Of course.” I got up, opening the window, the same giddy feeling from last night in my chest, as the big owl flew into the room, shaking snow off himself and onto me, dropping the letters and newspapers he was carrying onto the floor and screaming for owl biscuits. Rolling my eyes at the horrible bird, I took some biscuits out of a large jar by the window, throwing them at him, before picking up the post. I closed the window again, leaning against the counter and looking through the letters. </p><p>There was a pretty postcard from my mum’s pen-pal from Sweden, displaying a nice, large lake, with her and her husband ice skating, there was also the Daily Prophet, yet again bringing nothing but news about more death eaters killing muggle families, and finally a newsletter for comet brooms. </p><p>I chewed my bottom lip, trying to swallow down my disappointment. Not managing to do that, I finally put the post down, leaving the kitchen and making my way up to my bedroom. <br/>Remus had not answered my letter. </p><p>I let myself drop onto my bed, hugging my pillow. <br/>Maybe he was super busy today! It was Christmas day after all, and he was an only child. Maybe he had to help a lot at home and would write me later, maybe tomorrow. My letter had arrived pretty late and Hugo had probably just left, not waiting for Remus to write anything. </p><p>I sighed, burying my face in my pillow for a moment. I was overreacting. <br/>Being in love, it was.. it was dreadful. This constant uncertainty was dreadful, and the anticipation was dreadful. I just wanted to see Remus again and talk to him. I wanted to ask him to be my boyfriend, and to go on secret dates. </p><p>I managed to calm myself down, distracting myself by opening the present from Regulus, which turned out to be a leather bound, quite expensive looking book about rune magic. I made a mental note to write him later, and to thank him for it. </p><p>Finally, I was calm enough to go back downstairs, returning to the kitchen, where my mother promptly found me, and asked me to help her to prepare everything for dinner tonight. </p><p>A couple of hours later my family arrived, and I was truly happy to see everyone again. Still, I could not entirely focus on the festivities, as the thought of Remus took up most of my available braincells. I only half listened to my uncle Gavin, who told everyone about the new stationary shop he had opened up in Edinburgh, and how the twins already showed a lot of signs of magical abilities. </p><p>Even though I tried to reassure myself, I was worried why Remus had not answered my letter. I was probably just reading too much into it, again, maybe Christmas was just really busy for him.<br/>Why must be emotional things be so complicated. </p><p>I was pulled back into reality by my grandmother who lived in Hogsmeade, who asked me about how many house points I had made so far this year. </p><p>Dinner was great and the Christmas pudding my gran had brought was as always delightful, and we all exchanged our presents, pulling Christmas crackers filled with amazing hats and treats. It was great fun, and I was mad at myself for being so preoccupied most of the time. </p><p>I got some new (old) flannels from my uncle Gavin, a nice new quill from Artemis, and a new winter cloak from my parents, as my mother was of the opinion that my old one was way too worn down by now, and also a few inches too short. She also said that she actually wanted to buy me new shoes, but that I kept my shoe size a closely guarded secret.</p><p>The present from my grandparents really surprised me, though. </p><p>“My dear Liam.” My grandmother started, handing me a piece of rolled up parchment. “I know, I know, one should not talk about such dreary things on such a nice day as Christmas, but me and your grandfather made the decision, that this would be the best way to tell you.” She smiled. I frowned, unsure of what to expect. </p><p>My mother and uncle exchanged a glance, that I could not place. </p><p>“During your time at Hogwarts, you have often visited us in our small home, always talking about how much you liked it. So, we both decided, of course together with your mother and uncle, that we would like to make you the official heir of the place.” My grandfather gestured at the parchment in my hand. I blinked. </p><p>“What?” I could not quite trust my ears. My mother grinned. </p><p>“Artemis likes the city life, and who knows what those two devils will be up to when they are older.” My granddad started to explain, ruffling through the hair of one of the twins. “It is a small house, and we would hate to sell it. We all think that it would be only right to give it to you.” </p><p>“By Merlin..” I murmured, before I wrapped my arms around my grandmother and then my grandfather, not able to count how often I thanked them. </p><p>It was true, I really loved the house. It was small, narrow and cooked, with only a few little rooms and two stories. It was where my mum and uncle Gavin had grown up, full of old furniture and memories, in my opinion the cosiest place on earth. <br/>I had heard my mum and dad talk about it once, as they were unsure what would happen with it. </p><p>Knowing that one day it would be mine was.. exciting, although it was also a very sad prospect, as it would mean that by the time I would live there, my grandparents would no longer be alive. </p><p>It was quite late when everyone, apart from Christine and Wilma of course, who slept in the guest room, had left, and I was in the kitchen, cleaning up. A pot was scrubbing itself in the sink, and I put away plates and glasses, when Artemis entered the room, already in her pyjamas. Our parents had already retired to bed, after I had told them that I would do the washing up.</p><p>“She didn’t write back, did she?” my sister asked, sitting down on top of the small table that was standing in the kitchen. </p><p>I pursed my lips. <br/>“No.” I simply said. </p><p>“I’m sorry, Liam.” </p><p>I sighed. <br/>“Who knows, maybe Christmas was just too busy to write back.. maybe tomorrow..” I told myself more than I told her. </p><p>“I hope so. Maybe tomorrow.”  </p><p>Tomorrow, no letter came. The day after neither. <br/>Regulus also didn’t write, not answering my ‘thank you’ letter, but for him that was also nothing new. Narcissa on the other hand wrote me a lot, wishing me happy Christmas and a good new year, and told me that she would spend New Year’s Eve at Malfoy manor. Apparently, the relationship with her and Lucy was already serious when he already introduced her to his parents. On the other hand, if I remembered correctly, the Malfoys were already kind of related to the Blacks, so they probably already knew her. In anyway, for an old wizard family, marrying a Black was almost expected, I supposed. </p><p>On the 28th I still had not received a letter. Artemis, hating to see me so miserable, made me dress up and apparated with me to Belfast, where she wanted to buy a new cloak for work, to provide me with a bit of distraction. The small street of wizarding shops was by far not as large as Diagon Alley in London, but I still liked it, as there was a book shop specialising in old magical texts, especially runic translations. </p><p>Artemis and I spent good over an hour just in there, and my sister once again pointed out that she didn’t understand why I had not been sorted into Ravenclaw, when I left with two thick volumes, costing almost all the money I had. </p><p>The mood in the street itself, outside of the shops was.. odd. Belfast was a tense city in general, with The Troubles in the muggle world always spilling over into the wizard population. Lately the wizard war had also intensified here, and attacks of death eaters were often disguised as bombings of the IRA by the ministry, as they were too destructive to rationalise it in front of the muggles in any other way.</p><p>I once again realised how shielded we were in Hogwarts, shielded from the reality of war, of the fear and the terror. In Hogwarts everything seemed so far away, as if in a different world, only connected to us through letters and newspapers. But out here, it was obvious how dangerous it already was. </p><p>A few shops were burned down, as they had been owned by muggle born wizards, and ‘wanted’-posters of known death eaters covered the walls. I worried so much about my dad, a muggle born wizard working a 9 to 5 job in the ministry, having to travel from Northern Ireland to London every day, completely exposed to any death eater who fancied killing a ‘muddblood’. </p><p>I was glad when we left Belfast again, and Artemis apparated us home. </p><p>The remaining few days of the holidays went by very quickly. I used the few hours where it stopped snowing to wander along the cliffs, but as typical Irish weather could go from sunshine to hailstorm in less than five minutes, I stayed inside most of the time. On New Year’s Eve Artemis had left us, having to go back to work on the busiest day for her department, although I imagined making a few muggles forget the way over the top fireworks wizards were able to produce was a nice change from making them forget that they saw a death eater blow up a family home. </p><p>I hoped for a good 1978, when the clock stroke midnight, and my parents, gran Christine, Wilma and I celebrated the new year. </p><p>I was kind of glad when I packed up on the last day of the holidays, happy to soon be back at Hogwarts again. Gladly Artemis had taught me the spell, that hid my hickey before she had left, although the marks on my neck had already started to fade. </p><p>I threw myself onto my bed, running a hand through my hair. Something, although I could not really place what, was going wrong. And I had no idea how to deal with it, especially as I just could not pin-point what it was.</p><p>Remus had not answered my letter the whole Christmas break. No one had so little time, that they could not respond to a letter over the course of two bloody weeks, no?</p><p>Maybe that stupid owl just lost the letter, and was too cowardly to admit it! Stupid creature. </p><p>I sighed, turning onto my side, trying to fall asleep. My brain had different plans though, not shutting up, going through every possible explanation on why I had not received an answer. I tossed and turned, and it was not until the early hours of the morning, that I finally fell into a restless sleep. </p><p>The next morning was just.. horrible. My mother woke me up, way too early for my taste, and I had the feeling that I had barely slept more than two hours or so. A glance at the watch on my bedside table told me that it had been, in fact, three hours, which explained why I felt like a zombie. <br/>I yawned, dragging myself to the bathroom, only to see the dark rinds underneath the eyes of my very miserable looking reflection. </p><p>I got ready, ate some breakfast, before finally carrying my suitcase downstairs. It was already ten o’clock, so about time that I left. </p><p>“Until summer then.” I tried a smile, hugging my parents maybe a bit more tightly than usual, before leaving the house. It was snowing again, and I pulled my scarf even tighter around my neck. My new winter cloak was truly amazingly warm though, and I was really thankful for it. The weather in Scotland would probably be even worse than here. </p><p>I waved my parents goodbye one last time, disappearing with a wave of my cloak. </p><p>With a ‘plop’ I arrived in the alley next to King’s Cross station, glad that in London it at least didn’t rain, although a thick fog hung over the busy streets. Pulling my suitcase behind me I made my way towards the station and ran through the barrier between platform 9 and 10, to get to the Hogwarts express. </p><p>I was one of the first people here, a rare occasion, me being early instead of late, and I was able to find an empty compartment for myself, somewhere in the middle of the train. Regulus would hopefully find me, and not just sit at the end somewhere. I stored my trunk in the overhead net, took off my shoes and lied down on the bench, using my bag as a pillow again. I was just so tired, and rested my eyes, ultimately simply falling asleep before the train even started. </p><p>When I awoke again, it was already dark outside, and I noticed that the train was starting to slow down. Shite. <br/>Quickly I got up, idly massaging my stiff neck, and pulling out my uniform out of my trunk. I certainly didn’t want to lose any house points for neglecting to wear my uniform, so I hastily changed, just keeping on my black jeans instead of my uniform trousers, hoping that no one would even notice it. </p><p>The train stopped, and just as I grabbed my bag and left the compartment, I fully realised that I had been alone for the whole trip up to Scotland. Maybe Reg had not found me, and really had just sat at the back waiting for me to find him. I mean, I had been sleeping anyways, so it didn’t really matter. Maybe he had also just sat with Edna. </p><p>As expected, Scotland was bitter cold, and I almost regretted not asking for a new pair of shoes for Christmas, and keeping my shoesize a secret. I just always wore the same shoes, no matter the weather or time of year, and the pair I had bought two years ago were already quite run down, having a hole on the left heel that let water in. </p><p>Together with the other students I made my way to the carriages, finally spotting Regulus. I caught up with him, just so managing to climb into the same carriage. <br/>He looked a bit startled when he saw me but calmed down quickly. He didn’t look all too good, and there were dark rings underneath his eyes. He was also paler than usually.</p><p>“Hey Lee.” He still smiled, pulling me into a hug. </p><p>He was quite silent on our way up, and I wasn’t sure if something was wrong, or if it was just because of that first-year student next to him, who would not stop talking about how amazing it was that the carriage was driving without a horse. The way up to the castle gates was muddy, and I felt the wetness enter my shoes, making me cringe. </p><p>We finally reached the entry hall, the castle gladly a bit warmer than the grounds, and headed straight to the great hall for dinner. </p><p>I saw Remus sitting together with his friends, looking a bit ill again, and I worried that he may have been really sick over the holidays. And here I was, demanding him to write me. I felt bed. My heart was pounding, though, just looking at him, and some of the weight that had built up inside of my chest, was lifted. </p><p>The rest of the weekend I spent mostly in the common room, doing homework that I had procrastinated over the break, and playing gobstones with Regulus, who didn’t really talk much, let alone tell me anything about how his holidays had been.</p><p>Even though his behaviour worried me, I was giddy, looking forward to Monday, where I would be able to talk to Remus again. I had only seen him during meals, but had not had the chance to talk to him.<br/>I planned out how we could stay behind a bit after Arithmancy and talk about what had happened. Or maybe plan a date, where we could talk about everything in peace. Or just decide that we would talk on Wednesday during our study session.</p><p>In general, I just really wanted to hear his voice, see his face, and laugh at his jokes. I missed him. The butterflies in my stomach were on duty again, and I had to think about the Yule ball a lot. </p><p>Monday after breakfast I climbed the stairs up to the arithmancy classroom, nervous but happy, trying to think of the best words to greet him. I was a bit late, as usually, and hurried through the corridor and towards the classroom.<br/>But.. I froze in the doorway of the class, causing a Ravenclaw girl to run right into me. </p><p>Remus did not sit in his regular spot in the back. He sat in the first row, next to a Hufflepuff, staring straight onto his desk, without ever looking at me.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Rejection.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is a monster. it is 8500 words long. that is insane. </p><p>Anyways, have fun, I had the song Lovefool stuck in my head while translating it</p><p>Also, there may be a bit longer periods between chapters, as i have my final grad school exam in two weeks and am then moving to a different country (again) and that is super stressful in the middle of a pandemic. But i will have to quarantine for 10 days in february, so I will have plenty of time to write fanfiction :D</p><p>TW: blood, a bit violence, panic attacks</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>I apologised to the Ravenclaw, not really paying attention as she walked past me with an annoyed eyeroll, before I hesitatingly took a seat at my usual spot in the back, unpacking my schoolbag. Remus was.. very stiff in his seat, just looking ahead, without really moving. It was very weird and very worrisome. </p><p>Professor Vector entered and started the class, and I really tried my best to follow it, as this was still a N.E.W.T. subject for me, but it was hard, when Remus’ head was constantly in my view. When the class finally ended, the Gryffindor grabbed his things and hasted out of the classroom, before I had even so much as closed my book, leaving me behind not knowing what to think. I packed my bag and made my way down to the dungeons alone. I was miserable. </p><p>What was going on? Why was he ignoring me? Had I done something wrong? Did he regret what we had done? I felt guilty and helpless. My heart gave me a sharp sting, and it was hard to keep my emotions inside. </p><p>I met Narcissa on my way down to the dungeons, who looked a million times happier than I felt. <br/>“Hey Liam!” she smiled broadly, hugging me tightly. The whole weekend she had spent with Malfoy, waltzing around the castle like they owned the place, and looking just like the most perfect couple.</p><p>“Morning.” I tried to smile back. “What’s the craic?”</p><p>“Great! I was just waiting on Lucius, but I think it’s alright if we just walk on. He said he had to talk to Crabbe and Goyle about something, I don’t know.” She shrugged. “How were your holidays? Your letters were not really enthusiastic..” she raised one of her delicate eyebrows.</p><p>“Well, you know..” I vaguely gestured, trying to find some excuse to not have to say anything that really bothered me. “It was snowing all the time, and I just stayed home. I was in Belfast one day, and that city is just way too depressing at the moment.” Technically that was not even a lie. It was just not the whole truth. </p><p>“Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that.” She looked apologising. Zissa was a bit.. ignorant about the war. She was a Black, she was a pureblood wizard, and just the kind of person the Dark Lord wanted to promote. There was no danger for her, her life or her family, and there was absolutely no reason for her to be worried at all. I didn’t really want to blame her, but that was probably just because I liked her as a person, and didn’t want to deal with the fact that she didn’t strongly feel about the people who wanted to kill people like my gran or my father without any remorse. It wasn’t a healthy attitude at all. I also managed to ignore that a lot of her relatives had probably already joined Voldemort in some shape or form. </p><p>When we entered the dungeons, Remus once again did not look at me. He talked with Pettigrew, head held low, and I felt yet another sting in my heart. <br/>As I didn’t want to talk to him with his friends around, I just let him be for the rest of the day, trying my best to ignore his presence in all our shared classes. </p><p>On Wednesday it was the same again, with him sitting on a different spot in muggle studies than usually, and then practically fleeing from the classroom as soon as the bell rang. He must’ve regretted what we had done at the Yule ball, there was just no other explanation for his behaviour. It drove me mad, as I really had not had the feeling that he had been averse to what we had been doing, and he was even the one who initiated more than just kissing, when he had started to undress me. It pained me to admit, that I had started to cry myself to sleep, hidden behind the curtains of my bed, and a silencing spell.</p><p>I had realised, that I had developed quite strong feelings for the Gryffindor. This was more than just a crush, and not even being able to be around him was devastating. Being treated like this was devastating. After all, Regulus had apparently been right. Remus would just break my heart.  </p><p>It was Friday afternoon, and I left the green houses, wiping earth off my hands, and made my way to the common rooms, looking for Regulus. He had not been at lunch today, and in general I had barely seen him all week. He behaved very oddly recently. Remus had ignored me again in arithmancy, and I was truly not in a great mood.</p><p>Just as I turned the corner to the stairs leading into the dungeons, I ran into Edna, who had red, swollen eyes and a very grim expression on her face. </p><p>“Hey, have you seen Reg?” I asked, before fully realising the state she was in. “Is everything alright?” </p><p>“No!” she hissed, and I flinched at the harshness of her voice. “And why the hell should I know where he is? He broke up with me, didn’t he tell you that?” more tears shot in her eyes and she ran past me. </p><p>I stood there a bit dumbfounded for a moment, not knowing if I should run after her or not. Reg broke up with her? Just before the holidays he had been so happy to call her his girlfriend, and now he had broken up? What on earth was going on with him? Something didn’t feel right about this. It must’ve been today, as yesterday in the ancient runes club Edna had still been ok. </p><p>I didn’t follow Edna, but walked on more briskly now, reaching the common room and whispering the password at the stone wall. Even if he wasn’t in, maybe someone else had seen him.<br/>Gladly, I found Regulus sitting at a small table in a dark corner, and I had almost not noticed him hadn’t I been looking for him. He stared into the fireplace, dark rings underneath his eyes. </p><p>I sat down opposite of him, mustering him for a moment.<br/>“Hey, Reg..” I started carefully, tiling my head. Regulus looked up, kind of startled, as if he had not noticed me sitting down. “I just met Edna. She said you guys broke up?” I tried. </p><p>Regulus frowned. <br/>“Wasn’t the right thing..” he murmured. Then suddenly, he got up. “I have to do some homework.” With that he just left, taking the stairs to his dorms, and leaving me sitting at the table. This was certainly not a normal behaviour for my best friend. </p><p>What was going on with everyone? What had happened over the past few weeks that changed everything? What was wrong with Regulus? I had no idea what to think.</p><p>I tried to focus on my homework for the rest of the afternoon and started to write up some study guides for my exams. Studying was always a good coping mechanism for me, when I was stressed. </p><p>The following weekend was one of the worst I had ever had at Hogwarts, including the one I had to stay at the hospital wing with Scrofungulus. Most of my time I just spent with Miriam and her boyfriend in the library, where we studied, as all my other friends were busy with their relationships or not talking to me. </p><p>Miriam and her boyfriend were at least focused on schoolwork and rehearsing all the runic translations we had gone through over the past months really helped take my mind off things. </p><p>Regulus just avoided me completely, and Zissa and Lucius were inseparable. Remus looked over to me once during dinner but lowered his eyes again as soon as he saw that I had noticed him. I just.. could not handle this anymore. But one problem at the time, I decided. </p><p>On Monday I skipped breakfast, instead making my way up to the arithmancy classroom insanely early, to wait. The very first students entered and finally I spotted the Gryffindor I was waiting for. Standing in his way and grabbing his arm, I made him look at me.</p><p>“What is going on, Remus?” I asked, unable to ban the hurt undertone from my voice. I was just glad that it didn’t break. </p><p>Remus looked incredibly uncomfortable, not looking into my face, but past me into the corridor. This hurt more than I liked to admit, and once again I felt a sting in my heart. I had suspected that he was disgusted by me, but I had not imagined it being that bad. Still, I needed to know, and I needed to hear it from him. </p><p>“Nothing’s going on..” Remus finally brought out, still not looking into my face. </p><p>“You’re avoiding me. Why are do treating me like this? Can’t we just talk for a minute?” </p><p>Remus sighed, shaking his head. Then he pulled his arm out of my hand, walking past me and into the classroom. </p><p>I just stood there as he left me, trying to get my emotions under control. I felt my eyes burn and blinked repeatedly to avid crying. But it was to no avail. Finally I just started to walk, away from Remus, away from the classroom and just.. somewhere. </p><p>I really hated to miss class, but I just could not sit there and pretend that I was ok. I could not deal with this. I barely managed to keep the tears out of my eyes, and finally just stopped trying as I started to run down the great stairs. Afraid to meet someone, or being stopped by a teacher or prefect, I left the castle, instantly feeling incredibly cold. </p><p>Aimlessly I wandered over the grounds, finally heading towards the lake, where close to the forest I knew about a fallen tree, which was shielded from view from the castle. One of my favourite spots to read, usually. With a quick spell I removed some of the snow and sat down on the old wood, wrapping my new cloak around myself. </p><p>Why was Remus behaving like this? Why didn’t he even want to speak with me? Why couldn’t he even look at me? Of course, I didn’t want to just beg for a rejection, but he could at least just straight up tell me that he didn’t want to be with me. A few weeks ago, we had been friends, I deserved a clear answer at least. </p><p>I lost all sense of time, during the winter this high up north it always felt like it was late afternoon anyways. Tears ran down my face, and I could not wrap my head around it.<br/>Did he feel used by me? Or did he just want to satisfy his curiosity, after he realised, I was into him? See how it felt with another boy, and now regretting it? <br/>I was afraid to say that I didn’t know Remus well enough to know if he would be the kind of person to do something like this, but my intuition told me that he was not that kind of a guy. But still, I couldn’t really say. </p><p>From time to time the sun managed to break through the thick clouds hanging over the sky, beautifully reflecting on the frozen surface of the lake. Everything looked so calm and tranquil, the complete opposite of what was going on inside of me. The snow around me sparkled like a million crystals and dampened every sound. Only the light breeze moving the branches of the trees in the forbidden forest behind me were audible, and in this tranquillity, I finally managed to calm myself down a bit. </p><p>By the time I managed to stop crying and got up from the fallen tree, I was feeling incredibly cold. My holey shoes were wet again, and I was sure if I would sit out here for any longer, I would get sick. <br/>I walked up to the castle, entering through the massive gates, and saw a lot of students around the great hall, as it was apparently already time for lunch, meaning that I had spent almost four hours sitting outside crying. I felt a bit pathetic. </p><p>And as if all the powers of the universe were against me in this moment, just as I had stepped inside with swollen eyes and blue lips, my eyes met Remus’s, who had just left the great hall together with his friends. He seemed.. shocked? Worried? I could not tell, as I was unable to hold eye contact. <br/>I knew I must’ve looked like a complete mess, and it was humiliating knowing that he saw me like this. Once more, I felt pathetic. </p><p>I turned away, heading straight down to the dungeons, not feeling like eating despite having skipped breakfast already today. On my way down I was stopped by Edgar, who had apparently followed me from the entry hall, a frown on his face. </p><p>“Liam, you look dreadful! What happened?” he asked, his voice laced with worry. Next to him was Gwendolyn, who mustered me like my mum would, while she was holding Edgar’s hand. </p><p>“Nothing, just.. a lot of stress, is all.” I murmured, looking down at the ground. My shoes really were soaking wet, and I really wanted to get them off. </p><p>“Nothing? Mate, I know you long enough to know that this is not true! Does it have to do something with Reg? Did you fight? He also said it was nothing.” He shook his head, his accent a bit stronger than usually, having spent two weeks at home back in the high lands. </p><p>“Reg?” I looked up at Edgar again. </p><p>Edgar raised his eyebrows.<br/>“Oh, so him not talking has nothing to do with you?” now the boy looked even more worried. “Shite.. well, during breakfast today he told me that he would leave the team. Saying he does not have time for quidditch anymore, and that we should just look for someone else.”  He snorted. “Of course, I went bloody mad! But nothing I said to him changed his mind. However should we find a new seeker now that the season is not even on? Especially someone who is even remotely as good as him?” Edgar ran a hand through his hair. </p><p>I was too shocked to immediately say anything. Reg has just left the team, after breaking up with his girlfriend and avoiding all of his friends. Something was terribly wrong. <br/>“I don’t know what is going on with him, he’s been avoiding me too. Ever since he came back from the holidays he’s been just.. weird.” I chewed my lower lip. </p><p>“Should.. should we talk to a teacher about this?” Gwendolyn asked. “I don’t know him well, but something seems very wrong with him.” </p><p>Edgar and I nodded in agreement. <br/>“Yes, but.. not Slughorn, he is too involved with the Blacks, I think. McGonagall would be the best choice.” </p><p>The rest of the week went by incredibly slow. I started to spend a lot of time with Septima, who had asked for help, studying for her O.W.L.s. It was a good distraction from everything going on, although Heather, who was in the same year as her, tried to use her to find out things about me. </p><p>On Thursday after transfiguration I stayed behind a bit, waiting until everyone, including the marauders with Remus (who was still ignoring me), left the classroom. Even though it of course still hurt to be treated like that by him, Regulus was more important right now. </p><p>“Is there something I can do for you, Mr. Alistair?” Professor McGonagall asked, when she noticed me lurking, looking up from her desk. I nodded and approached her, quickly turning around to check if we were indeed alone. McGonagall put down her quill, her brows furrowed. </p><p>“Yes, I.. I know I should go to my house teacher with this, but.. there are reasons that make this a bad idea.” I started, feeling very nervous for some reason. </p><p>McGonagall didn’t say anything, sensing that I was in distress and that what I was about to tell her was a serious topic. </p><p>“You can tell me.” She finally said, when I had hesitated for a bit too long. I nodded again.</p><p>“It is about Regulus. Regulus Black. He went home during the holidays, and since coming back he is.. he is very different. We are all very worried about him, but he does not talk to anyone, and is avoiding all of his friends. He is just in his dorms..” I rubbed my hand over my forehead. “He broke up with his girlfriend and left the quidditch team.” </p><p>“This certainly sounds as if something is wrong with Mr. Black.” The professor agreed. “And you said that you can’t go to professor Slughorn with this. Why is that so?”</p><p>My hands felt sweaty, and I chewed my lower lip. Talking badly about a professor to another professor was certainly never a good idea, but I also wanted to be truthful with McGonagall. </p><p>“I.. I hope this does not sound wrong, but I have a suspicion what.. what could be wrong with Regulus. Professor Slughorn is.. the Black family enjoys a lot of prestige and he likes them. And I think that something has happened in Regulus’ family that caused him to be like this.” I stumbled over my words. “I know what his parents are like, and I am sure you know his brother ran away from home last summer.”</p><p>McGonagall nodded.<br/>“Yes, I am aware that the older Mr. Black is now living with the Potters. And don’t worry, Mr. Alistair, I know where your worries come from.” She seemed deep in thought. </p><p>“I don’t want Regulus to be in trouble, but I didn’t know what else to do.” It came out of my mouth, and I had to stop myself from talking more. I felt a bit as if I was betraying my best friend in telling on him, and I defended my actions more to myself than to the professor.</p><p>She seemed to understand though.<br/>“Thank you for bringing this up with me, Mr. Alistair. I’m going to be very honest with you here.” She looked very serious, and a cold shiver ran down my spine. “The cause of his behaviour could be a very dangerous matter. And it would be better for you to not try and investigate this on your own.”</p><p>Initially I had thought that talking to Professor McGonagall about all of this would help with my nerves, would calm me down, but her words made me worry even more. Before I left, she told me that she would inform the headmaster, suggesting that the problem was even more serious than even I had anticipated. </p><p>Edgar also did not like what he heard when I told him later that day, and he even turned quite pale. It was obvious to all of us what McGonagall’s reaction suggested, but none of us wanted to spell it out. </p><p>Friday afternoon I returned from a long study session in the library with Miriam, making my way to the great hall for dinner. School work was the only thing able to distract me right now, and I had never been just so well prepared for class. If nothing, I would at least ace my finals this year, probably enabling me to really become a curse breaker. With the war worsening so much at the moment, this was a more important profession than quidditch, even though I still could not completely bring myself to just give up my lifelong dream. </p><p>I was deep in thought, when suddenly I had to look up, as Heather was standing right in front of me. I flinched and could not even pretend to be happy to see her and put up a smile. I was simply too emotionally exhausted right now. </p><p>“Sorry, I can’t right now..” I just said, pushing past her.</p><p>“Liam, please stop!” her voice was strained. There was hurt in there and sadness. I knew how she felt, knew how it felt to not have an answer, only sudden rejection. I felt horrible for putting her through what I was going through now, even more than I had already felt. She had to know.</p><p>I sighed, stopping in my tracks, and turned around to her. She looked sad. </p><p>“I.. why are you avoiding me? What did I do wrong? I thought we got along so well?” she sounded desperate, and I felt a sting in my heart. Those were, more or less the same things that I had asked Remus. I felt so, so bad. I was such a horrible person, such a stupid coward. </p><p>I had to tell her, everything. The whole truth. This whole thing was so unfair to her, it was not her fault that I was.. different. She didn’t deserve to be put in so much pain. </p><p>I closed up to her, sighing once more. Carefully I looked around to see if anyone else was in the corridor, but it was empty. Most people had already gone down to dinner. <br/>I slowly took her hands into mine, looking into her eyes. </p><p>“I am so, so sorry, Heather. Really, I.. gosh, I am such a massive arsehole and a coward, and I am really so sorry for what I’ve put you through. I should have said something much sooner, but.. I was scared.” I admitted and swallowed.</p><p>The girl listened to me with big, confused eyes. <br/>“What were you scared of?” she then asked carefully. </p><p>I closed my eyes, a sting in my heart telling me that just being honest with her could go so very wrong. She could tell everyone, she could spread it around the school out of spite, and my life would be even more of a mess. But she still deserved to know, especially as I had not even rejected her for so long. If she would tell everyone, it was my fault and I deserved it. </p><p>“It is important that you know that you did absolutely nothing wrong! Nothing! Nothing about this is your fault in any way shape or form. I.. I just hate myself for doing this to you, really.” I swallowed again, looking down at our hands. “Look, I.. I do like you, and I think you are cool and smart and funny. We do get along so well, but.. you want something from me that I can’t give you.” </p><p>I made myself look into her eyes again, which were still full of confusion. <br/>“We could.. try.. you said yourself, we get along so well.” Her voice was silent.</p><p>I sighed. Why was this so bloody hard? I just had to get over with it.<br/>“I would go out with you in a heartbeat, Heather, really! Just, if.. feck.” I closed my eyes. It was still hard to admit this, to just say it out loud. “I’m.. I’m gay.” </p><p>There it was, it was out. I was out.<br/>There was a long moment of silence. I opened my eyes again, and Heather just stared at me. </p><p>“I’m so sorry.” I brought out, not knowing what else to say. </p><p>“Don’t.. don’t be sorry, Liam. It is.. not your fault.” She tried to gather herself. “I just wished you told me sooner.”</p><p>“When you started talking to me, I had not told anyone. Ever. And you are still only the second person I’ve ever told.” It was true in a way. Potter found out on his own and.. Casper and Remus didn’t count in that matter. I only ever told Regulus. “I was afraid that if I rejected you, everyone would wonder why I would reject someone as amazing as you and find out.” I admitted. “When.. when we first talked and I just made a run for it.. sorry again for that, I am such a dick.. someone even found out just like that, and I was just so fecking scared.” </p><p>I felt very vulnerable telling her this, and I my voice broke a bit at the end there. But she deserved to know all of this. I felt very emotional. </p><p>“Oh..” she chewed her lip. </p><p>The silence that followed was horribly awkward. I let go of her hands, crossing my arms in front of my chest, which was more of a form of hugging myself than anything else. <br/>It was obvious that she didn’t know how to deal with this, just as I didn’t know what else to say. </p><p>“And.. I know I have no right to ask anything from you, but.. please don’t tell anyone else, ok?” I finally broke the silence, anxiety washing over me again. “Just.. you deserved to know this, but.. no one else.” </p><p>Heather looked at me and the pity in her eyes was painful. <br/>“I won’t.” she tried a smile. “Don’t worry about that. I.. I would still like to be friends, maybe, but.. I have feelings for you, so this won’t be easy.” She admitted. </p><p>“I would be very happy to call you my friend. But I also know how hard it is to deal with feelings for a friend.” I rubbed the back of my neck. </p><p>Heather mustered me for a moment, and suddenly it seemed as if something in her head just clicked, and the expression of pity on her face just intensified. <br/>“Of course.. I’m sorry.” I didn’t know what she was apologising for, but she had probably realised that my close friendship with Remus and us being at the ball together, arm in arm leaving the great hall, had been a bit more than simple friendship from my side. </p><p>All of a sudden Heather hugged me tightly. She let go of me just as quickly, faint tears in her eyes. <br/>“Thanks for telling me.” She finally said, before leaving, leaving me standing in the corridor all by myself, my heart pounding and my hands shaking. </p><p>At dinner I sat with Edgar and Prashin, who were in the process of creating a poster to advertise for the free seeker position in the team, which they wanted to hang up in the common room. </p><p>“In my year there is a girl who has played as chaser for years during the holidays. She might be up for it.” Prashin suggested, but Edgar shook his head. </p><p>“Nay, must be someone who has some experience. If it were September it would be no problem, but we don’t have the time to train up someone new before the next game. James Potter is too good of a seeker to have someone inexperienced against him.”</p><p>“Or Septima and me just play even more aggressive and hit Potter with every bludger we can get our hands on. He can’t catch the snitch if he’s unconscious.” I suggested as I sat down, making Prash laugh.</p><p>“No offence mate, but if the two of you would play any more brutal, you’d probably go to Azkaban.” He said. </p><p>I just shrugged, leaving the two of them to talk and helping myself to a bowl of soup. As every evening, I could not hold back, looking over to the Gryffindor table and searching for Remus. There he was with his friends again, looking sad while Sirius apparently tried to make him laugh. <br/>I had seen the two of them together a lot lately, with Potter and Pettigrew both having girlfriends now. I kind of hoped that Remus would not talk about me.. about us. Of course, I myself had confided in Regulus, but Regulus also didn’t hate Remus and would hex him any chance he got. In contrary to Sirius when it came to me. If he told him.. I didn’t even want to think about it.</p><p>The next weekend was mildly better than the last, and I spent a lot of time with Septima, once again studying and discussing quidditch strategies, which we could use in support of our new seeker, if we ever managed to find one. Septima had some problems with reading, I realised, and it was difficult for her to get through long texts or essays. She told me that she suffered from Dyslexia, and that many of our teachers probably just thought she was stupid. English being her second language certainly didn’t help in that regard. <br/>Studying with her showed me that she was completely capable of understanding everything we discussed, and she was even quite talented with spells. It was just such an effort for her to read, that she had problems keeping up. </p><p>It was a good distraction to try and come up with study methods for her, and I often read passages out to her, which made her understand it more easily. I hoped that I helped her and was sad that the school did not really accommodate her. </p><p>When I was not distracted with schoolwork, I mostly worried about Regulus. He became more and more reclusive, and I only ever saw him during meals, as he spent the rest of his time in his dorm. <br/>I missed him, I missed him a lot. </p><p>My first year in Hogwarts had been quite lonely. Every boy from my year was a racist prick, and my only friends had been Narcissa and Miriam, with whom I had spent most of my time, although I had often also just been alone. <br/>Then in the second year, there had been this boy, sitting down next to me after being sorted into Slytherin. Regulus Black, back then incredibly short, with curious big eyes, immediately talking to me. </p><p>There had been no awkward shyness, no weird small talk, we just.. clicked. Within a week we had become inseparable, spending almost every minute outside of class together. <br/>I had been there during every single fight he had had with his brother, more than once receiving a leg-locker curse from Sirius to get me out of the way. <br/>We helped each other for our O.W.L. exams, were both part of the quidditch team, and there had been nothing we could not talk about. </p><p>Regulus left a great, gaping hole in my life, and it drove me mad not knowing what was going on. I had listened to McGonagall and not tried to find out what was going on, but it was hard to keep that promise. </p><p>On Monday, I did not even try to stop Remus. I tried to just ignore him like he ignored me, and to get over it. I went to class, focusing on the work I had to do, and nothing else. Which was of course easier said than done, and I found myself longingly staring at the back of his head more times than I would like to admit. <br/>Zissa was worried about me, as she had never seen me this quiet before. I was quite the talkative person, never this silent and this much in thought. </p><p>“Is everything alright with you?” she asked after potions, when we made our way up the stairs together. She had never mentioned that she had also noticed something weird going on with Reg, but as she was also a Black, I didn’t want to say anything. </p><p>“I’m just stressed out because of the exams.” I said, shrugging. Then I stopped, flapping my hand against my forehead as I realised that I had forgotten to pack my edition of Advanced Potion Making, after I had handed in today’s potion. </p><p>“What’s wrong?” Zissa frowned. </p><p>“Nothing, I just forgot my book. Shite. Don’t wait up, I’ll go get it.” I turned around, descending the stairs again. I wanted to write the essay for Slughorn tonight, and for that I really needed the book. </p><p>I reached the classroom door but froze. Just from around the corner I heard hushed, but familiar voices. <br/>“Are you sure you want to disappoint him? You are aware of what he is capable of, I hope.” It was Lucius. I didn’t move, trying to listen in. I usually was not a person to eavesdrop, but somehow I had the feeling that this was important. </p><p>“Of course not! I’m not stupid, Malfoy!” that was Regulus. The blood in my veins froze and a shiver ran down my spine. He sounded scared, even if he tried to hide it. He might have fooled Malfoy, but certainly not me. “I just don’t think your plan is properly thought through!”</p><p>“It is thought through!” Malfoy hissed angrily. </p><p>“And how, in that great, thought through plan of yours, do you even want to enter her office, huh? A simple ‘alohomora’ simply won’t cut it! This is not Filch!” </p><p>Never in my whole life I had ever heard my best friend talk like this. So cold, so.. aggressive. <br/>My heart was pounding, and my hands were shaking, but I could not listen to anymore of that. I stepped around the corner, seeing Regulus standing there, together with Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle and Macnair. </p><p>“Regulus?” I asked, causing the whole group to turn around to face me. </p><p>“Fuck off, Alistair!” Goyle shouted, but I just ignored him. My eyes were locked with Regulus, who had a pleading expression on his pale face. My heart hurt seeing him like that. </p><p>Finally, he made a calming gesture towards the others, approaching me. <br/>“I’ll deal with him.” He said coldly, so cold that for a moment I was truly afraid of him. Reg pulled me around a corner, his face like ice. </p><p>“Regulus, what by Merlin is going on?” I whispered as soon as we were out of sight. My best friend sighed deeply, dropping the cruel expression and in this moment, I could see him again. The old Regulus, that had been my best friend for almost six years. </p><p>“Lee, I..” he swallowed and lowered his voice even more. “It would be better if you just kept away from me. I don’t want them..” he exhaled shakingly, and I realised that he was deeply afraid. “I don’t want them to take notice of you, hurt you or target you, when they see us together.”</p><p>“But they know we are friends, Reg, I don’t understand..” I started but was stopped by Reg’s pained expression.</p><p>“Not them.. Them.” He empathised the last word, raising his arm and pulling up his sleeve. </p><p>I could not talk, could not breathe. My heart was loudly pounding in my ears and everything in my peripheral view got dark. I felt dizzy. <br/>There.. there it was. Black, in stark contrast against his alabaster skin, horrible and frightening. I felt a panic attack overcoming me. </p><p>The dark mark. <br/>On my best friend’s arm. </p><p>Tears shot into my eyes, and all the fears I had tried to supress just came true in this moment. </p><p>“No..” I brought out, shaking my head. “No, no, no..” </p><p>“I am so sorry Lee.. I had no choice.” Regulus whispered, before hugging me, hugging me like he had never done before, like his life depended on it. One last time he looked into my eyes, grey meeting grey. </p><p>“You are and always will be my best friend. Whatever happens.” He pulled me close, our foreheads touched. And with that he turned around and left, rounding the corner to re-join the others. </p><p>“He’s gone, so what were you going to say, Malfoy?” I heard his voice, now completely alien to me. It was hard to wrap my head around the fact that this was truly Regulus who was speaking. </p><p>“Let’s go somewhere else..” Macnair said, and I heard their steps become more distant. </p><p>I pushed open the door to the potion’s classroom, collapsing onto the floor gasping for air as I had felt unable to breath. I hyperventilated, tears rolling down my cheeks, my hands shaking and curling up.</p><p>I.. I could not.. it was impossible to even think about it. This was why he had broken up with Edna, why he had left the team. Why he did not talk with his friends anymore, why he had avoided me. He wanted to protect all of us from.. them. From the death eaters and the dark lord, because.. because he had joined them.</p><p>My best friend, Regulus Black, was a death eater. <br/>I could not believe it, it just could not be true. I didn’t want to believe it.</p><p>I managed to calm myself down enough to get up and grab my book, before the break was over and the next class would arrive, washing my face in the dungeon bathroom. Every time I thought about it tears shot into my eyes, and my breathing went out of control again, I was just barely holding together. </p><p>I knew, I should’ve gone straight to Dumbledore, to any teacher really and tell them.. but it would endanger Regulus. They would know it was me who told on them, and would punish him. I didn’t know what to do. I was overwhelmed. </p><p>I visited the rest of my classes for the day, numb to everything around me and not talking to anyone. I felt empty and lost and the only thing keeping me grounded was school, studying. That was safe, that could not hurt me. </p><p>After class I went up to the owlery. It was already dark outside, although now the days finally started to grow longer again. I pulled a piece of parchment out of my bag, together with a quill and an ink bottle. <br/>In the dim light of a few candles in the cold of the owlery, I sat down on a windowsill, and started to write. </p><p>‘Dear Remus, </p><p>Frankly, I am not even sure why I am writing you, and you probably won’t even read this. Still, I have to say a few things, and this may be the only way to get them off my chest. My life is a nightmare right now anyways, so this letter can’t make it even worse, can it? I think I’ve lost everything important to me in these past weeks, and nothing makes sense anymore anyway.</p><p>I just want to know what happened. I am sorry if I hurt you, please tell me what it was that I did. I want to apologise, but I don’t know what for. I’m still going to do it. I’m sorry, really, for whatever I did. </p><p>I understand if you are disgusted by me, if you regret what we did. I am sorry, I didn’t want to push you to do something that you didn’t want to. But please, tell me, don’t just ignore me like that. </p><p>Please at least answer this letter, if you read it. Anything will do, even just a ‘fuck off’.</p><p>Liam’</p><p>I folded the paper, tying it to the leg of one of the school owls, and watched her as she disappeared into the darkness. I was not sure what drove me to write Remus. Maybe it was the feeling of losing control, the feeling that everything I had had just before Christmas was slipping out of my grasp. I wanted to make things right again, and if it meant sending Remus letters until he finally just rejected me, so be it. </p><p>Of course, he didn’t answer. Just as he didn’t answer all the other letters, I started to write him after that day, over the course of the next weeks. By now, I just apologised to him, even though I still didn’t know what for. I had the feeling that I was going mad. </p><p>It did not help that I still didn’t know what to do about Regulus, and the fact that I had to share my dorm with at least two other death eaters. People who wanted to see my family dead, just for not being purebloods. </p><p>It was February, and Regulus was only seen around the group of Slytherins from my year, sometimes including Snape and Lestrange too. I still had not managed to tell anyone about what I had found out, going into full panic mode whenever I thought about it. I was too scared for Reg to do anything. I believed him when he said that he had no choice. The Regulus I knew would never join them on his own free will. </p><p>I spent most of my time with Septima, who had started to join me and Miriam when we studied, as she said that it helped her to focus, and she was less distracted when someone else was there, who was also studying. She also sometimes asked us questions, and we helped her out. Edgar and Gwendolyn also sometimes joined in, although Ed mostly studied quidditch manoeuvres. The two of them were really happy with each other, and Edgar wore the kilt a lot, which she had gifted him for Christmas. He also once had tried to wear in in class as part of his uniform, but Slughorn had forbidden it. </p><p>Remus had been sick again in January, only returning to class three whole days later, looking pale and still not quite recovered. It worried me greatly of course, and because I was still madly in love with him, despite my best efforts to get over him, I attached the extra set of notes I had taken for each class we shared and a vial of pepper-up potion to the next letter I sent him. I hoped that even if he didn’t read my apology, he would at least drink the potion and use the notes. The letter just explained what it was, with a ‘sorry’ at the end.</p><p>It was Wednesday after muggle studies, and I took my time packing up, so that Remus had not to run out of the class to get away from me, as he was still not looking completely fit. Even if I had not approached him in person since the one time, he still hurriedly left every class we had together. </p><p>As the last student I left the class, thinking about how on earth I should finish the essay we had to write until next week. I had major problems in muggle studies again, since we didn’t study together anymore. Maybe I should just write my gran, to let er explain to me how the telephone evolved, or maybe I should just find another muggle born student. </p><p>I didn’t even manage to get to the stairs, when I suddenly found myself standing in front of Potter, Black and Pettigrew, and a small voice in the back of my head told me that they had probably waited for me to leave the class. They looked very angry. <br/>Oh no. Had Remus told them something? Had they found one of my letters? I really, really didn’t like this situation right now. Especially as we were alone in the corridor, as I had taken my time to leave the classroom.</p><p>“What did you do to Moony?” Black asked in an aggressive tone, and I flinched. I was taken aback, as I had not expected him to ask so directly. So, Remus did tell them? Maybe playing dumb was still the best approach, as I could not be certain how much they knew. </p><p>“What.. what do you mean?” I took a few steps backwards, to be out of reach in case I had to run away from them. </p><p>“The two of you were such great friends, and now you don’t even talk at all. He is depressed, and whenever your name is mentioned, he looks like he’s been kicked! So, I’m asking again, Alistair: What. Did. You. Do?” Black growled. </p><p>On one hand, I was very, very much relieved that Remus had not told them what had happened between the two of us. On the other hand, it hurt to hear how he was doing, although it really confused me. I had expected him to show disgust and anger, not hurt. </p><p>“I didn’t do anything!” I raised my hands defensively, stepping back a bit more. “He is the one who just stopped talking to me!” </p><p>Sirius expression did not change at all.<br/>“And why the fuck should I believe you, hm? You Slytherins are all the same, all treacherous bastards!” </p><p>“Oi, now that was completely uncalled for!” I countered, now getting angry myself. “I didn’t do anything to Remus! Maybe you should ask him what is wrong, not me, you twat!”</p><p>I probably shouldn’t have insulted him. <br/>Sirius stepped forward before I could react, and straight up punched me in the face. A sharp pain shot through my face, and I stumbled backwards and fell to the floor, holding my nose which started to bleed, just as my upper lip. I tasted blood on my tongue. </p><p>“Feck! You idiot!” I cursed, holding my hand over my face, to shield myself from any other possible attacks. The only times I had been hit that hard in the face was by a bludger, never a fist. In the past Sirius had only shot curses and hexes my way. </p><p>“He’s not worth getting detention for, Pads, calm down!” Pettigrew held Sirius back by his arm, and I was very thankful for that, even if the motivation was not what I was concerned about. </p><p>“Oh, come on, Worms. Not like he didn’t have it coming for years.” Sirius looked down at me, and I saw so much hate directed at me that I had to shudder. Considering that I had never really done anything to him, I could not say where the hate was coming from. But in his mind, I was just like Regulus, and Regulus was just as the family he hated so much. And now, in his mind, I was the reason his best friend was depressed. <br/>There was no point in discussing with him, and I really didn’t want to provoke him enough to punch me again. </p><p>Potter looked a bit shocked, apparently not having anticipated that his friend would just punch me like that. And Potter was also still head boy, so this really was nothing that should happen in his presence. According to school rules, he would have to report this incident to a teacher, but everyone here knew this was not going to happen. </p><p>“Let me deal with him, Pads..” he finally said, his words reminding me way too much of what Regulus had said to the other death eaters. Potter walked over to me, pulling me up by my arm. Blood was dripping onto my shirt and onto the floor, and I tried to pull myself out of Potter’s grip. </p><p>The Gryffindor just grabbed me again, not letting go of my cloak as he pulled me into an unused classroom next to us. </p><p>“What are you doing?” my voice was filled with panic, as I really didn’t fancy being alone in some forgotten classroom with Potter, or for the record, anyone of them. When the door fell shut behind us, Potter finally let go of me. </p><p>“I just want to talk, alright? I’m not going to hurt you.” He said, trying to calm me down. </p><p>I believed him, straightening my cloak, and leaning against an old, dusty table, a grim expression on my face. I crossed my arms in front of my chest, not even bothering to catch the blood that was running out of my nose and over my chin. I nodded, signalling James that I would listen to him. </p><p>“I just need to know what happened between you and Moony? You seemed to be such good friends, he even asked us not to prank you anymore. And now, you don’t talk at all. I hate seeing him like this.” His voice was pleading, and he too leaned against a desk, far enough from me to not be threatening. </p><p>“I told you, I don’t know what is wrong with him. I’ve been asking myself that for the past month. And him, for that matter. But he is your friend, ask him.” I stated, now wiping the blood from my face with my sleeve, as it just got a bit too much. </p><p>“But he is also your friend.” Potter furrowed his eyebrows. </p><p>“Aye, right, because he treats me like anything else but air right now. Great friends, sure.” I spat some blood onto the floor, getting sick of the taste. Potter flinched slightly. </p><p>“Did anything happen between the two of you, that would have triggered that?” </p><p>I froze. I could not tell him. It would explain everything, of course, why he acted the way he did. But I was sure that a bloody nose was he least painful thing Sirius would do to me if he found out. And I kind of valued my life. <br/>“None of your business, Potter.” I glared at him.</p><p>“It is my business, when my best friend is acting like that. He trusts me and if he feels bad, I want to help him.” </p><p>I rolled my eyes. My patience ran thin.<br/>I was so annoyed, my face and now also my head hurt, and blood did not stop running out of my nose, soaking my clothes. I felt a bit dizzy. </p><p>Why not just tell him? It didn’t matter anymore, did it? They would not leave me alone, and everything had gone to shit anyway. I really didn’t want to out Remus, if I would be even outing him, as I didn’t know if what we had was more than an experiment to him, but what else could I do?</p><p>“Alright. Yes, if you really must know, Potter, something happened between Remus and me. I am not surprised he didn’t tell you, though.” I grew angrier. It was not about my bleeding nose or the marauders anymore. All the frustration that had built up over the past month just burst out of me, the feeling of being rejected and alone and nothing more than an experiment to someone I deeply cared about. </p><p>James just stared at me and finally I saw how in his head the coin finally dropped.<br/>“We kissed, we.. did things. He satiated his curiosity with me and now regrets it, apparently.” There was a lot of pain in my voice, that I could not supress. “There, now you know. Now you finally found out what happened, and who my crush is, all in the same fucking sentence. Wicked.” </p><p>James just gaped at me like a fish. My eyes prickled a bit, but I did not cry. I felt more angry than sad. Speaking my fear out loud had not been.. easy. I felt pathetic, really. </p><p>James stepped forwards, but stopped again, as if he was unsure how to act right now. </p><p>“You know, I really didn’t want to out him like that. Someone doing that to me is my greatest horror. Regardless of how he broke my heart, he didn’t deserve that. But as it was nothing more than.. curiosity or whatever, it’s probably not so important.” I blinked at the ceiling, trying to stop myself from crying. My eyes prickled again, this time stronger.</p><p>“I..” James started, but I just shook my head.</p><p>“Just.. don’t.. don’t say anything. I know you are trustworthy and now it is on you to do with that information what you want. Just remember, you made me say it, you left me no choice.”  A sob escaped my lips and I could not begin to describe how embarrassing that was. At least I was still not full on crying. “I’ll keep away from him, I’ll stop writing him, I just.. I don’t know.” </p><p>I shook my head again. Then I looked back at James, who was still standing there, staring at me with shock and concern.<br/>“Maybe.. maybe tell him that I am sorry.. tell him I’m sorry I fell in love with him, and that I won’t bother him anymore.” I swallowed. “And that he is a prick for using me like that and breaking my heart.” With that it was just all too much. Before James could answer me, I ran past him, pushing the door open and just running through the corridor, leaving behind a confused looking Pettigrew and an angry looking Black, who shouted insults after me.</p>
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<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Death Eaters and Full Moons.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This chapter is also almost 8.000 words long, bear with me (and, if you like, tell me if you like those long chapters, or if i should try and make the next a bit shorter / split them up into two or more parts)</p><p>I have my master's defensio in a few days, but after that i will have a bit more time to translate/write this story, as this is honestly what i do to relax, so as long as i am stressed, i will write this story! yay! </p><p>possible TWs: panic attacks, trauma reaction, nightmares, anxiety</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Gladly it was Septima who had found me trying to wipe the blood off my face with towels at the sink, as she walked past the boy’s bathroom in the dungeons. My nose had not stopped bleeding and I felt super dizzy, supporting my weight on the porcelain sink, which was more reddish-pink than white by now. Septima patched me up, being surprisingly talented when it came to healing magic. She also didn’t ask any questions about what had happened, for which I was really thankful for. </p><p>I debated not going to dinner, to be spared the humiliation of facing the Gryffindors, but Septima dragged me to the great hall, commenting that I could faint if I would not eat. </p><p>That convinced me, and frankly I was also quite hungry, and I tried to inconspicuously enter the great hall. Sadly, it was not as inconspicuously as I had hoped, as, as soon as I sat down, I noticed the eyes of the marauders on me, causing me to believe that Potter had told them about our conversation. They also had apparently confronted Remus about it, as he was very quiet, only looking down at his plate, the tips of his ears red as a tomato. </p><p>I felt really bad for telling them, for outing him. I would never want to be outed against my will, and to know that I had just done that to another person, especially a person I had such strong feelings for.. I felt awful. Even if it had just been curiosity on his part, it still had not been my place to tell his closest friends about it, as he had obviously kept it a secret.</p><p>The rest of the evening I spent feeling bad for myself and trying to get the blood off my school uniform. I had only put on a fresh shirt for dinner, as one had not really seen the blood on the cloak, but now it was dry and disgusting to look at. </p><p>It was Saturday after my confrontation with the Gryffindors, and it was the first really sunny day of the year. The snow had finally started to melt, and I hoped that this would mark the end of winter. </p><p>Needing a distraction from just about everything, and not wanting to spend the day hidden in the library, I grabbed my broom for the first time this year, making my way down to the quidditch pitch. A bit of exercise would hopefully exhaust me enough to silence my brain. </p><p>It was truly a beautiful day, and the sun was warming my face, despite it still being very cold outside. The snow had not completely melted, and there were still some icy patches here and there, but also snowdrops had started to sprout out of the grass. I could not say why, but this short period between winter and spring was one of my favourite times of the year. The air was always so crisp, but it already started to smell like spring, and it was just as if the world was waking up from a deep slumber. </p><p>The quidditch stadium was still covered in icicles, looking like a frost covered fortress. When everything had molten though, we would certainly start to train again, and my fingers were itching to just bash a bludger across the field. </p><p>With many things running through my mind, I opened the door to the changing rooms, only to freeze on the spot, my eyes growing wide. Now that certainly was nothing that I had expected, especially not on a Saturday before lunch. </p><p>There in the changing rooms, pushing a Ravenclaw girl (that I had often seen her with before) against a locker was Septima. Their lips were connected in a passionate kiss, and their hands in positions that could not be mistaken. I gasped. </p><p>They obviously heard me, as they quickly moved away from each other, staring at me in shock. A million more thoughts crossed my mind in that moment, everything from embarrassment of having interrupted them, to shock, to.. even a bit of happiness? </p><p>The Ravenclaw girl adjusted her skirt, while Septima tried to bring out some coherent words, to rationalise what I had seen without the assumption of the truth.<br/>“Liam, we.. I..” she stuttered, but I just held up my hands, shaking my head. A broad grin was on my face, and I wanted to tell her how happy I was for her, for this, but.. unfortunately she interpreted that grin the wrong way. “Creep! Would’ve thought better of you!” she hissed, pulling the Ravenclaw girl away, to leave the changing room towards the quidditch pitch. </p><p>“Feck, no! Septima, wait!” I closed the door behind me and thank Merlin, my beater colleague really stopped and turned towards me, although there was still a suspicious and angry expression on her face. </p><p>“What?” she asked, her voice biting. Uff. </p><p>“I.. you totally misunderstand! I’m not.. I’m not smiling because of any..” I grimaced. “creepy reasons. I’m smiling because I’m.. I’m the same. I’m gay.” I just straight up said. Maybe not so straight.</p><p>And for the first time, saying this didn’t feel.. hard. Didn’t feel like a difficult task that I would rather avoid. In contrary, it felt good. I felt myself.</p><p>“You?” Septima looked shocked. The girl next to her looked back and forth between the two of us, but visibly relaxed. “Really?” </p><p>“Yea.” I had to laugh. </p><p>Septima joined in and cursed in Polish. She almost ran over to me, pulling me into a very strong hug, that left me breathless. The Ravenclaw behind her also laughed, probably because she saw the shocked expression in my face. </p><p>Finally, after what felt like minutes, Septima let go of me, shaking her head.<br/>“Mate, fuck.” Was everything she brought out, but I knew exactly what she meant. I felt the same way.</p><p>There was a special feeling of loneliness, of isolation and alienation that came with having just such a different experience than everyone else. Having to keep one’s identity a secret, it was suffocating. And now, finding people who were just the same, where you didn’t have to hide, where you could talk openly about your feelings and experiences, it was just.. such a relief. <br/>For some reason I had never thought that they were others in Hogwarts, and had somehow always thought that I was the only gay person in the school. But obviously, with so many students, that was impossible. </p><p>“I think the beater position is cursed or something, the beater before you was also gay.” I stated, causing the girl to laugh again.</p><p>“I’d say blessed!” she grinned. “This is Julia.” She said then, gesturing at the girl behind her who came up to shake my hand. “My girlfriend. Julia, this is Liam, the other beater.” </p><p>“Nice to meet you.” Julia grinned when Septima introduced her as her girlfriend. She was a lot shorter than the other girl, who was just as tall as I was, and had shoulder long dark hair and a very friendly face. </p><p>“Nice to meet you too! Sorry for.. interrupting. I thought no one else was down here.” I admitted, scratching the back of my neck. </p><p>“So did we!” Julia joked, her laugh light and quite contagious. I could see why Septima liked her. </p><p>“The showers are great here.” I winked at them. “Just a tip. The old beater and I really enjoyed them.” </p><p>Septima’s face grew red as a tomato, and Julia bit her lip to keep herself from giggling. <br/>“We’ll keep that in mind.” She said.</p><p>“I’ll, ah.. I’ll leave you to it then. I don’t want to.. you know..” I cleared my throat, vaguely gesturing. I picked up my broom, which had fallen out of my hand when Septima had hugged me.</p><p>“Thanks, mate.” The blonde girl smiled. </p><p>“Have fun!” I finally left the changing rooms, standing in front of them for a moment, feeling happy but also a bit lost. A smile was still on my face, as this whole situation was somehow incredibly funny to me. For the first time in weeks, I really had to laugh. </p><p>The beater position was really destined for homosexuals, wasn’t it? Casper, I, and now Septima. This couldn’t be a coincidence, couldn’t it? Maybe the DADA teacher position was not the only cursed one in Hogwarts. Or blessed, like Septima said. </p><p>She and Julia really made a sweet couple, and I hoped that I would have the chance to talk with her about it, how they made it work. And maybe even confide in her about what had happened between me and Remus. She would probably be the only person to truly understand me. </p><p>I would be lying if I said that the encounter with Septima and her girlfriend, as embarrassing as it might have been, didn’t cheer me up. It was a small light in the darkness, the feeling that I was not as alone as I had thought, and the knowledge that there were at least two other people in this school who understood me and who would not judge me. Where I could be myself, in a way I could not be around my other friends. </p><p>February dragged on like a lame horse, and there was a complete break in the weather again, with a week-long snowstorm which prevented any classes outside or in the greenhouses from taking place. But after that, spring was finally on the doorstep. </p><p>Quidditch practice started again, and thus the search for a new seeker only intensified. There were a lot of quite promising applicants, although no one was even remotely as good as Regulus. Training managed, just as I had hoped, to distract me from my worries, and I spent a lot of time with the other team members, to keep myself from being alone with my thoughts. </p><p>Regulus had lost a visible amount of weight, and just eerily started into nothingness during meals. Edgar, who shared the dorm with him as they were in the same year, had told me that he always hid on his bed, curtains drawn and not responding if anyone tried to talk to him. <br/>I still had not told anyone about the death eaters, not even Ed and his girlfriend, trying to think of a way to expose them without making it obvious that I was the one ratting them out, after Regulus had told me. </p><p>Remus had been sick again for a few days, and it took a lot of strength, and a whole lot of convincing from Septima, not to send him another pepper-up potion or class notes. And with convincing, I mean that she had to physically take the potion and the notes away from me and dump them in the fire in the common room. </p><p>I had told her about Remus and everything that had happened between us, and as I had hoped, she had been very understanding. <br/>“A gild back home was just like that, just last summer. She was all curious about what it’s like, and then just dropped me like a boring toy when she was not interested anymore. It hurts, I know.” She had petted my back. “But you have to get over it. Dwelling on those feelings does not help. And there are more fish in the sea, even fish like us.” </p><p>I agreed, although mentioning that I’d rather be a kraken, and while watching the notes burn to a crisp, I decided that it was really time to move on. It had been two months now, and if things had not changed up to now, they would not change at all. I tried to push the memories and feelings out of my head, focusing on all the things that were more important. School, quidditch and most importantly Regulus. </p><p>It worked out rather well, even if it was difficult, until one Friday in early March, when I was just on my way to the green houses, and the marauders approached me again. </p><p>“Alistair, wait!” It was Potter, grabbing my arm and stopping me, as I had no intention to stay and talk to them. And maybe being punched in the face again. Would not put that past Sirius. </p><p>“What?” I asked, my voice a bit defeated. I really did not need any conflict right now. I just wanted to go to herbology. </p><p>“It’s about Remus, we..” he started, but I just put my hands up defensively.</p><p>“No, Potter. Stop.” I sighed. “Really, first of all, this is none of your business. Secondly, I’ve not talked to him again, ok? I’m leaving him be, and I really don’t need the three of you tailing and bullying me. I’ve got more important things to worry about, and enough problems as it is.” </p><p>“But..” Black started, but I interrupted him again. </p><p>“No ‘but’, Black. Just leave me alone! It’s bad enough that all of you know about this now..” I shook my head and turned away but stopped when Sirius started to speak again.</p><p>“Don’t play the victim, Alistair. You’re life’s not that difficult.” He said. </p><p>I rolled my eyes, turning back to him and quickly approaching him, an angry glare in my eyes. He froze for a moment, and I knew that I intimidated him. I was only a bit taller than him, but still had the built of a beater. <br/>“Just shut up, Black, when you’ve no idea what you are talking about, ok?” I hissed into his face. </p><p>I turned and walked a few steps, before suddenly, I had an idea. I looked around us, to check if anyone was in hearing distance, before I turned back to the marauders. </p><p>“You want to know what is going on? Well, for one there are death eaters in this school, and they are planning something. Some are from my year, like Malfoy, and Macnair, and some are from the year below us, like Crabbe, Goyle, and fucking Regulus.” I said in a low voice and the eyes of the boys in front of me grew large. “Reg was made to join them by your parents over the Christmas holidays. I lost my best friend to those.. to those people, people who would love to see people like my family dead. Oh yea, in case you thought I was a pureblood like you, I’m not. My dad is muggle born.” It just all came out. I could not hold it in anymore. </p><p>The thee of them were shocked. <br/>“Death eaters? Are you completely sure? Students being death eaters?” Potter was the first on to speak, staring at me.</p><p>“Reg showed me the mark, so yes, I am bloody sure. He distanced himself from everyone who was important to him to protect us, and.. just look at him. Even you have to notice he is not well.” I rubbed my eyes beneath my glasses. I heard my blood rush in my ears.</p><p>“Why haven’t you gone to Dumbledore?” Pettigrew asked, his voice full or terror. </p><p>“They..” I exhaled audibly. “They would know it was me. They were just around the corner when Reg told me, pretending to ‘deal with me’. They would know I told on them and they would hurt Regulus. And I could not live with that.” I admitted. “I know that he is not part of them out of his own free will, I know Reg, he is not like that anymore. The influence of his family is just too strong. I don’t know what to do.” </p><p>The marauders seemed to understand. Especially Sirius’ face changed, and he nodded slowly. <br/>“I think I’ll take that back, saying that your life is not hard. Could not imagine sharing a dorm with people I know to be followers of Voldemort.” I flinched when he said the name. </p><p>Sirius looked at Potter and Pettigrew, nodding once more.<br/>“We.. we will think of something, won’t we? Some way to uncover them.” </p><p>“McGonagall knows that something is wrong with Regulus since Christmas, I talked to her before I found out he was one of them, because I was so worried.” I added, hoping it would help. “Maybe you could.. involve her? I don’t know.” </p><p>“You said Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle and Macnair?” Pettigrew asked, and I nodded. “We’d only have to uncover their arms somehow, then everyone would see. That would do the trick, no?”</p><p>“You’re right, Worms..” Potter looked deep in thought. Then he looked back at me, putting a hand on my shoulder, which kind of irritated me. “We’re going to deal with that.” He said earnestly. </p><p>I said nothing, looking down at my shoes. Potter squeezed my shoulder once more, before he and Pettigrew turned to leave. Black still had his grey eyes on me. His brows were furrowed, and for a moment I was scared that he’d punch me again.<br/>“Might’ve misjudged you, Alistair.” He simply said, before following his friends and leaving me alone. </p><p>I dropped two pots in herbology, as my hands just did not stop shaking. Miriam was worried, but I just told her that I didn’t sleep well, and that seemed to be enough for her to stop me asking what was wrong. </p><p>In my head I went through the conversation that  I had had with the marauders over and over again. That they still wanted to talk about Remus was.. annoying. I understood it, as he still seemed very drawn back and silent even in their company (not that I had paid much attention to him, obviously), but I had no idea why they thought that talking to me about it was the right way to go. Remus had not said a single word to me since January, why would I be able to help?</p><p>Nevertheless, there was a giant weight off my shoulders, and I was glad that I had finally told someone about the death eaters. It had kept me awake many nights, and just like Black had said, sleeping in the same room with people who were part of that organisations, with the fear that they would hex me in my sleep, was very, very stressful. </p><p>In retrospective the following weekend had been the calm before the storm. Nothing remarkable happened, and I noticed that the marauders did not attend lunch or dinner, neither on Saturday nor on Sunday. Even at breakfast they seemed hurried, the heads of the four boys close to each other while they were talking, plotting. </p><p>On Monday Remus was not in arithmancy, and for a moment I thought he was sick again, wasn’t it for the fact that the rest of his friends also did not attend potions. Slughorn commented on their joined absence but did not do anything else about it, as their grades were good enough, and as Gryffindors he was not responsible for them. </p><p>After DADA, I made my way to the great hall, furrowing my brows in confusion when I spotted a great crowd of students at the foot of the stairs, their voices chaotic and excited. </p><p>“What is going on?” I asked a random Gryffindor next to me, trying to get a glimpse of what was happening.</p><p>The boy, maybe a third or fourth year, laughed.<br/>“There is a swamp in the entry hall! If you try to go around it, you start to float!” </p><p>“What?” that sounded.. well. Not impossible, but improbable. </p><p>“Look!” the Gryffindor laughed again, pointing upwards where I spotted no one else than Walden Macnair and Gyle floating about, flailing their wands to cast something that would get them down. “Wicked, innit?” </p><p>“Aye, wicked.” I murmured, raising an eyebrow. </p><p>So, this was what the marauders had planned for the past few days? Pranking the death eaters? I was not sure this would work, and did not really see the point. Also.. a bloody swamp in the entry hall? Really?</p><p>I looked around a bit more, away from the swamp itself and more into the corners, finally spotting Pettigrew hidden rather well behind a pillar. His wand was out, and his eyes were focused on the floating Slytherins. By now a few other students had unfortunately joined them, aimlessly drifting through space like a helpless astronaut. </p><p>Pettigrew’s lips started to move, and I looked back at Macnair, noticing how something was moving at his shoulder. It was hard to see, as he was so far up, but it almost looked as if the fabric of his cloak was unravelling itself. </p><p>“Out of the way! Out of the way! Head girl passing through!” I suddenly heard a loud voice, spotting Lily Evans who hurried down the stairs, pushing through a group of students. She also looked, even if just for a moment, back to Peter, who nodded with a grin. </p><p>Oh.. ooh!<br/>I turned around and just as I expected there was McGonagall waiting at the top of the stairs. Not as a person, though, but as a cat. I grinned, and she seemed to notice, as the cat winked at me. </p><p>“I’ll pull you down!” Lily said with a firm voice, half climbing up the thick stone handrail of the great stairs, grabbing Macnairs cloak and pulling strongly. With the fabric around his shoulder now looking more like rotting cloth than anything else, it ripped loudly, together with his jumper and the white shirt underneath. </p><p>While it had been loud and chaotic until now, it was suddenly completely silent in the entry hall, so silent in fact, that I could clearly hear the bubbling of the swamp below. </p><p>Goosebumps formed all over my skin, as up there, clear to see for the whole school was the grotesque dark mark, right on Macnair’s lower arm. Realising what had just happened, the boy pulled his arm to his chest, trying to hide it, but it was far too late for that now. Everyone had seen it, and whispers started all around me. </p><p>“Mr. Macnair, you’re coming with me.” McGonagall’s voice broke the eerie silence. She was standing right behind us, now obviously in human form. She waved her wand, and the floating students dropped to the floor, or into the swamp. “The rest of you go to your houses. Slytherin and Hufflepuff students who are on this side of the swamp will wait in the classrooms on the fourth floor. Ravenclaw and Gryffindor students in the dungeons will stay in the classrooms there. House elves will serve lunch in the classrooms and in the common rooms. Mr. Filch will inform you when the swamp is removed.” </p><p>The prefects of each house, if they were here, gathered their houses, and made everyone make their way up the stairs. It was a.. strange mood among everyone, and I spotted a first year Ravenclaw crying. I had not considered how traumatic this must be for everyone, especially for muggle born or half-blood students. </p><p>I found Edgar and Gwendolyn on our way up, both of them looking just as worried as I did.<br/>“Did you know about this?” Edgar whispered, making sure no one else heard us. </p><p>I simply nodded, quickly pulling the two of them around a corner, trying to explain what had happened. Edgar understood and nodded, before we joined the other students to wait in the classrooms. </p><p>It took two whole hours until the swamp situation was resolved, and I had started to just do some homework to calm my nerves. The afternoon classes were cancelled, and the students were asked to stay in the common rooms for the rest of the day. The entry hall still smelt very swampy, and there was a stubborn tree close to the entrance of the dungeons that simply would not go away. <br/>Some teachers were available to talk, for students who had been traumatised by the revelation, and who might feel unsafe now, knowing that there were death eaters among the students. </p><p>In the Slytherin common room, everyone eyed everyone else with great suspicion, and some had started to show each other their forearms, just to show that they were not death eaters.</p><p>I didn’t see Regulus at all, but also Malfoy had not been in the common room or in the dorms. Lestrange had been pacing nervously, worry and fear written across his face. </p><p>Zissa was a complete mess, and never had I ever seen her this dishevelled. She didn’t tell anyone what was wrong and avoided my eyes. A horrible realisation came over me, that she had been well aware that Lucius was a death eater, that she had known about Regulus joining them. This realisation hurt, a lot. We had been friends since the first year of school, and knowing that she willingly associated with these people, while being friends with me was just.. horrendous. </p><p>I closed the book I had been trying to read, going up to the dorms, unable to sit in the same room with her anymore. </p><p>Macnair was expelled the very next day, and Aurors from the ministry arrived at Hogwarts early in the morning. They talked with teachers and students, and especially us Slytherins. McGonagall had told them about how I had found out and helped plan this, so they took a good half hour talking to me. Not knowing how much Reg was involved yet, I told them that I had overheard them, and seen the mark in our dorms, which seemed to be enough for them.</p><p>Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle somehow managed to use their influential families to somehow get out of punishment or at least convince the ministry that they had only been friends with Macnair, who was the only real death eater among them. Their dark marks had not been revealed, and I was sure even the Aurors could not force them to show their bare arms. Also, curiously, Regulus seemed to not even be connected with the group, so I guessed that Sirius didn’t have the guts, even after all their differences, to snitch on his own brother. But McGonagall must’ve known, and also not said anything. </p><p>The following week was very tense in Hogwarts, and the Aurors combed the whole castle to find anything suspicious. The weekend was written out as a Hogsmeade weekend, and the teachers reluctantly allowed the students to leave the castle at least on Saturday. Crabbe and Goyle didn’t return from their trip, and according to Edgar, all their belongings had also disappeared from their dorm. </p><p>I had visited my grandparents, telling them about what had happened. They had already heard about it, as it had been in the daily prophet all week, and were greatly worried for me. For the first time Hogwarts had not shielded us from the war, and the reality of the situation had reached us even behind the thick castle walls. </p><p>Only Malfoy continued to waltz around the castle as if no one could bring him down, Zissa always by his side. That kind of was the final straw for me, and I completely stopped talking to her. If she was ok with supporting a racist dark wizard and his followers, I had nothing to say to her anymore.</p><p>I also found a small note in my locker in the quidditch changing rooms, bearing Regulus handwriting. <br/>“Thank you” was everything it said, but I understood what he meant. Still, even if three of the death eaters had left the school, it was not enough to save him from what the future would hold. There as a sting in my heart, and I hid the note in my trunk. At least with some of them gone, and the Ministry and the school staff now alert, whatever plan they had had, it was ruined. </p><p>It certainly did not help the reputation of my house, that all three death eaters had been in Slytherin. The other students grew more and more suspicious, avoiding working with us, so much that even though it was still quite cold in the castle, I started to always wear my sleeves rolled up, and told everyone who was around me long enough, how my dad was muggle born. In some way, this was could be dangerous, I knew, but on the other hand, I did not want anyone to believe that I was in support of the death eaters. </p><p>Snape also seemed in a very bad mood, just as Lestrange, and I had deep suspicions about their sympathies.</p><p>Outside of Hogwarts it also just continued to get worse ever since the new year, and every day the newspapers were filled with horror stories about the dark lord, murdered muggles and wizards alike. </p><p>I wrote my parents and Artemis almost every day, worried sick that something would happen to them. Especially my dad, who worked at the ministry, and had to commute to London every day.  I also wrote Casper, who was an Auror in training now. He tried to comfort me through his letters, but I read between the lines that the situation was quite bad. </p><p>Remus was still ignoring me, although he had finally stopped running away from me, probably as I had not tried to talk to him or written him any more letters. It still hurt, of course, and even though I really tried to get over it, it felt almost impossible. <br/>Septima had said that it would get better with time, and I just had to trust her with that. I never had been so in love before, so I couldn’t say if it ever would get better or not. I just really longed for his company, for the comfort it would bring. I felt as if I was lost at sea. </p><p>Most days I was in the library, studying for the N.E.W.T.s, which were closer every day. Some days I thought that studying was the only thing keeping me sane, next to hitting bludgers at people so hard that Edgar even had to tell me to tone it down a bit. </p><p>“Alistair? Do you have a minute?” I was pulled out of my thoughts on a Saturday afternoon, when I was sitting I the library by myself. I looked up, seeing Black standing in front of me, an unsure expression in his face. </p><p>“Ah, sure. Sit down.” I leaned back a bit, pushing the thick volume about ancient Persian magic away from me.</p><p>I had not talked to any of them since they had pranked the death eaters, and I expected them to approach me for a couple of days now. I really wanted to know if they had just tipped off McGonagall that something was about to happen, or if she had been in on the whole prank. I could not really imagine her just going with a swamp in the entry hall, but maybe she was just not aware of all the details. They had only managed to remove the last tree two days ago. </p><p>“Hey.. ah..” Sirius started. “How’s.. how’s Regulus?” he asked in a low voice.</p><p>“I got a note, saying ‘thank you’. Else, I don’t really know. Edgar says he is still very distant but seems slightly less afraid. Without Crabbe and Goyle in the dorms, he even exchanges small words with Ed.” I shrugged. </p><p>“I had hoped he would at least talk to you again.” Sirius shook his head.</p><p>“Malfoy is still here, and he is still part of them. I’m not surprised.” </p><p>Black nodded. He seemed to fight with himself, but finally started to talk again.<br/>“Like, I know you said you didn’t want to talk about it anymore, but.. it hurts me to see Moony like that.” I rolled my eyes. So much chaos and really serious, dangerous things happening right in this school, and he started with Remus again? </p><p>“Really?” I just made, but he continued to speak.</p><p>“He is not himself since Christmas, and even worse since we.. confronted him. He does not want to talk about it, not even with me.” </p><p>“What’s your point?” I interrupted him impatiently, because first of all, I didn’t want to talk about Remus, as I was still trying me best to get over him, and second of all, I didn’t fancy talking about it here, in the library, where everyone could just listen in. </p><p>Black leaned towards me a bit, his voice even lower than before.<br/>“I.. I don’t know what exactly happened between you but.. I think he cares about you, Alistair. I think if you just tried to talk to him again, he’d-“ he started, but I interrupted him again by groaning in annoyance and rolling my eyes once more, loudly closing the thick volume in front of me. Madam Pince instantly threw a stern glance through the rows of bookshelves. </p><p>With furrowed brows I got up, bending over Black.<br/>“He used me, Black. There is nothing to talk about anymore.” I hissed, grabbing my bag and the book, leaving the library. </p><p>By now this had been the only explanation for his behaviour that made any sense. He had started to undress me, he had pulled me onto the sofa. I had not pressured him to do anything. And him then pushing me away without an explanation could only mean that he regretted it, or didn’t need me anymore now that his curiosity was fulfilled. It hurt, but it was the truth. The same thing Septima had experienced last summer. </p><p>I decided to continue to study in the common room, even if the noise down there, especially on a Saturday, was a bit too much for me to focus on more complicated things. And ancient Persian magic really was one of those more complicated topics. <br/>I only left my spot in a quiet corner for dinner and continued to study until late in the evening.</p><p>The whole time Sirius’ words didn’t leave my mind, even though I knew it was pointless over thinking them, and they did not improve my situation in any way. This stupid Gryffindor has just pulled out a lot of the feelings that I had tried to bury, and now a small glimmer of hope was still in my chest. </p><p>I had a strange nervousness about me, and even though it was already past midnight when I headed up to the dorms, I didn’t think I could sleep. Annoyed by my pacing, Lestrange (who was a complete nervous wreck himself) just pushed my cloak into my arms and basically threw me out of the dorms, so he could find some rest. He loudly closed the door behind me, leaving me standing in the corridor all by myself. </p><p>I couldn’t just go back and study, I’d had a hard time to focus on anything for the past hour or so already and had read a page of my book at least ten times before finally giving up. Maybe a walk on the grounds would clear my thoughts, even if I’d run into danger of getting caught out of bed at night. At this point I didn’t really care about house points though, and if I would make it to the fallen tree at the lake quickly, no one would even see me. <br/>I threw my cloak around my shoulders and left the common room. </p><p>The dungeons were eerie and silent, and I met no one on my way up the stairs and into the entry hall. Silently I hurried to the gates, opening them just enough for me to slip outside. </p><p>It was very windy on the grounds, and everything around me was illuminated by the full moon, which made my plan to sneak to the lake a bit more difficult. Spring was already in full bloom, and flowers spurted here and there out of the grass. It was still cold, but not as biting as it had been just a month ago. </p><p>Burying my hands in the pockets of my coat, I made my way down towards the lake, trying my best to move in the shadows of the castle if possible. The moist grass gnashed underneath my shoes, and I already felt moisture seeping into the hole on my heel. </p><p>I felt a bit.. it was quite hard to put it into words. Looking over the grounds and back at Hogwarts, I suddenly was painfully aware that in just a few months I would leave this place, which had been a second home to me for the past 6 and a half years. I would miss it dearly, and I would miss the security of the thick castle walls. I was very afraid of what the future would bring, afraid what the war would bring. Especially now, after it had just breached the security of Hogwarts. </p><p>It was only a question of time until I, as a Slytherin, was either asked to join the dark lord, or to be killed. How would my life be in the next few years? I kind of had lost all hope by now to become a quidditch player. The most probable outcome for me would be, being a curse breaker or something like that, and in the war that would mean that my life would be on the line every day. I was a massive coward, I knew that, but still I would rather die fighting than become a death eater. I wouldn’t even have time to think about Remus anymore. </p><p>I had reached the lake, my eyes tracing the mountain ranges in the distance. The lake was completely still, like a giant mirror, reflecting the night sky. It was very tranquil and beautiful out here, and I noticed how my heartbeat dropped, how I finally started to relax a bit. <br/>It wouldn’t do to keep fretting about the future, it changed nothing at all. All I could do now was to do my best and to get good grades, maybe win he quidditch cup just to have at least one achievement in my life. And then.. who knew? In the worst-case scenario, I could still pack my family and flee to mainland Europe or America. </p><p>I lost all feeling of time and could not really say how long I had been standing at the lake, deep in thought and worry, when suddenly I was pulled back into reality, by the loud noise of heavy paws hitting the wet grass behind me.</p><p>Confused I turned around, only to freeze in place, unable to move like a deer in the headlights. My mouth fell open and my eyes went wide, when I saw, clearly illuminated by the bright light of the full moon, a giant wolf. And not just any wolf, no. It was a monstrous brown-grey wolf, far too.. too human looking to be just any regular normal wolf, with unnatural long limbs and horribly human eyes. If defence against the dark arts had thought me anything, despite the ever changing and often horribly incompetent teachers, then I knew that this was a werewolf. And it was running right towards me. </p><p>A deep, rumbling, terrifying growl reached my ears, and this sound was what finally pulled me out of my shock. Without even thinking I turned and started to run, run faster than I had ever ran before, away from the werewolf and towards the dark forest. I heard the creature coming closer and closer, but when I turned my head for a moment, convinced that it would reach me with just a jump, I noticed a.. stag? and a black normal wolf jumping onto it and keeping it father behind me. </p><p>I tripped, but managed not to fall, and so turned my head again to look ahead, not able to focus on the weird behaviour of those animals any longer. My mind was racing, and I could not even think about why on earth there was a werewolf on school grounds. <br/>I didn’t know where to go. I could not head back to the castle - the werewolf would get me if I changed direction. In front of me was only the forest and running into the forbidden forest late at night was also not the best idea, I supposed. Being killed by monsters, or being killed by the werewolf, not great things to choose from. Still, it was better than nothing. </p><p>I heard a loud thump behind me, and a quick glance confirmed that the werewolf had fallen down, with the wolf standing on top of him, his teeth around the werewolf’s throat. <br/>In that moment I finally reached the forests, breaching the tree line and running on. I quickly spotted a large, thick tree with low hanging branches, low enough so I could jump and grab one of them. I pulled myself up, very happy about my muscular shoulders and arms, quickly continuing to climb up the tree, ignoring the sharp bark against the skin of my hands and face, when I pushed through the twigs. Just in time I pulled my legs up before the werewolf also reached the tree. </p><p>I just really, really hoped that werewolves could not climb! As far as I remembered, nothing like this had even been mentioned in any class, or in any text I had ever read about those creatures. The werewolf jumped up and tried to climb, but ultimately couldn’t hold onto anything with its claws, even though they looked almost hand-like. The other two large animals also did their best to drag it down, every time it did manage to somehow grab a branch. </p><p>Finally, I reached a branch that was high enough for me to feel safe, and still big and strong enough to hold me, and for me to be able to still sit on it without being in danger of falling down. I wrapped my hands around other close branches, as the tree was shaking from the constant attempts of the wolf to follow me up. </p><p>I was too afraid to keep looking down, so I just pressed my eyes shut, hoping that it would all soon be over. Every howl, every growl made me flinch, and my breath was ragged and shaking. I had no idea what to do. I was safe up here for now, yes, but I had nowhere to go. And I was not sure if I was able to hold this up until the moon set. </p><p>Why, just why on earth had I gone out? Why didn’t I just stay in the bloody common room or try to sleep like a normal person? Why did I have to go out on the grounds? Bloody hell!</p><p>I cursed myself, finally managing to make myself look down again, as the tree was shaking less now. The stag and the wolf were dragging the werewolf away from the tree, and it seemed to work. It was.. weird, super weird for animals to behave like that, right? I knew that the werewolf was no danger to them, but I could not imagine why they would still risk their life, or at least injury to drag the monster away from me. </p><p>I could not say how long it took, until the werewolf had finally let himself get pushed away, but it was probably close to an hour. The howls and growls grew silent, and finally it had left the forest completely, leaving an eerie silence behind. My adrenaline level, which had been through the roof during the whole ordeal fell dramatically, and before I had even the chance to make sense of anything, I fainted. </p><p>I woke up when the sun blinded my eyes, and the first thing I noticed was a throbbing pain in my head, the kind one would have after a night of not sleeping, or heavily crying. Or a night out drinking. I also felt a bit sick. I blinked my eyes open, seeing.. twigs? </p><p>Suddenly I remembered where I was and what had happened and was startled so violently that I almost fell out of the tree. </p><p>I managed to hold onto some branches, stabilising myself, and looked around, and down the tree. There was nothing, and I could only hear a few birds and the wind in the leaves. My breath was ragged again, and I rubbed my hands over my face, before managing to start and climb down the tree. It took forever, as my fingers felt weak, and I was shaking. </p><p>Finally, I reached the ground, looking around once more, my eyes falling on the trunk of the tree, growing big as I saw deep, very deep scratches in the wood. Claw marks. <br/>My legs gave in and I would barely hold onto the tree before I threw up. </p><p>The shock from last night sat very deep in my bones, and images of the werewolf flickered in front of my eyes. I could have died last night. All those worries about the future when I could just have been disembowelled by a werewolf. </p><p>I wiped my mouth with my sleeve, stumbling to the next tree, away from my sick as the smell made me feel even worse. I sat down between large roots, leaning my head against the cool bark.<br/>Everything hurt and I felt weak and tired. I shivered, feeling cold after spending the night outside on a tree, and my heart was pounding loudly inside my ears. I felt too weak to get up, so I just kept sitting there, trying to get my breath under control. </p><p>I honestly did not know how long I was sitting there, and probably was short of losing consciousness again, when I started hearing voices. Not in my head, but close to me. </p><p>“Where is the tree?” said one voice.</p><p>“Do you think he is still here?” a second voice. </p><p>“I didn’t see him go back he must be here!”</p><p>“There!” a third voice said, a lot closer now. </p><p>“Bloody hell, Alistair! What are you doing here?” I recognised Potter when I looked up, seeing him approach me together with Black. Pettigrew, who had been the third voice, stood over me, mustering my sorry form. He stepped back when Black and Potter reached us, who pulled me up by my arms, supporting me. </p><p>“Come on, we’ve got to hurry! Shite! Let’s go get him into the castle.” Black put my arm around his shoulders, dragging me along, while my feet only managed to take every second step. </p><p>“How.. what..” I tried to ask a question, although I didn’t know what I actually wanted to ask. How they found me? They had the map that Remus had shown me months ago, but how did they know to look for me? What were they doing out here in the first place? </p><p>“Don’t speak, just try to walk.” Potter helped Sirius carry me again, both of them looking very nervous, constantly scanning the surroundings with their eyes. Pettigrew was up front, he too looking around nervously, his eyes wandering over the grounds as if he was looking for something. </p><p>Just as we had reached the castle gates, Pettigrew suddenly pushed the three of us into the shadows, and we all ducked behind a short wall.<br/>I tried to see what was going on, and spotted Madam Promfrey stepping outside, and briskly walking over the grounds. I had no idea what she was doing here, but could not even think about it, as I was once again pulled up by the marauders and dragged into the castle. </p><p>Gladly it was Sunday today, and the entry hall was completely empty. The boys almost carried me to a stone bench, close to the stairs leading down to the dungeon, putting me down. I still felt awful and confused, and absolutely startled. It was hard to think, and I felt sick. I would probably either throw up, or faint again, neither of which was a nice possibility. </p><p>My hands were still shaking, and I could not control myself. I had never felt like this before. <br/>I took my glasses off, rubbed over my face, and ran a hand through my hair. I tried to pull myself together but failed. My knees were weak, and I had no idea how I should ever get up from this bench again. After a few minutes of no one saying anything, I put my glasses back on, looking up at the three of them who mustered me with fear in their eyes, tense like a bow. </p><p>The three of them..</p><p>“Where is Remus?” was the first coherent thing I brought out, my heart starting to race again. Sirius flinched at my words, but Potter got onto his knees in front of me, studying my face.</p><p>“Are you alright?” he asked, completely ignoring my question. “Have you been hurt? Were you scratched or bitten?” he sounded worried, and the scratches on my face from the bark of the tree probably didn’t help.</p><p>I blinked a few times, but then shook my head.<br/>“No.. I.. I don’t think so. No, it didn’t reach me, I..” I paused. “How do you know?” I frowned. </p><p>Even though Potter looked relieved, exhaling audibly, he was still tense. He looked at Black and Pettigrew, both of them looking just as helpless as he did. </p><p>“Where is Remus?” I asked again. If they knew about the werewolf, and were outside in the morning, Remus would have been with them. And now he wasn’t. “What is going on?” Panic laced my voice. </p><p>“Remus is alright.” Sirius finally said and Pettigrew threw him a shocked glare. </p><p>“How do-..” but I was interrupted, when the gates of the castle were opened again. Madam Promfrey entered, together with.. with Remus. <br/>He was pale as a corpse, and a warm cloak was around his shoulders. The nurse guided him towards the great stairs, the steps of his bare feet echoing in the entry hall. They did not notice us, as we were sitting in the other direction, which was probably why the other Gryffindors had chosen this spot to drop me down. <br/>I stared at him in shock. </p><p>It finally clicked in my head, and black spots started to appear in my vision. I was going to faint again.</p>
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<a name="section0010"><h2>10. The realisation, how difficult talking can be.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>ok, ok, I'm not even going to try and justify why this chapter has 9.200 words</p><p>it just kind of happened. mostly because i changed A LOT from the original german chapter! there is a whole lot going on, and it would have probably been best to split the chapters into two, but then again, i kind of wanted to keep the original chapters, so yea</p><p>the german version was not finished, and i only wrote as far as the beginning of chapter 12, so maybe after that the chapters will be a bit shorter. but the ending is already half written and between the ending and what i have as the base there is not too much missing! I am hoping to have it completed by march, lets see! have fun :D</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Alistair.. Alistair! Liam, wake up mate!” I heard a voice and I slowly blinked my eyes open. I was laying on a stone bench, the marauders around me, Potter shaking my shoulder. </p><p>“What?” I tried to sit up, feeling dizzy. “What happened?” </p><p>“You fainted.” Pettigrew answered. “Weren’t gone long, though.”</p><p>I closed my eyes for a moment and grimaced, not sure if I should feel embarrassed or not, before opening them again and looking over to the great stairs. </p><p>Remus.</p><p>“Re-..” I had to swallow. “Remus was the..” I could not finish the sentence, my voice breathy and low.</p><p>“Remus was the werewolf. Yes.” Sirius finished the sentence for me. </p><p>My brain felt as if it was trying to tie itself into a knot. Remus was a werewolf. The werewolf who had almost killed me last night. I.. I had fallen in love with a werewolf, I had kissed a werewolf.<br/>This was too much, and I could not quite believe it.</p><p>I tried to form words with my mouth, but nothing came out. <br/>“Why?” I finally just asked. It was a bit of an undefined question, but everything I managed. </p><p>“He was bitten as a child.” Pettigrew sat down next to me on the bench.</p><p>Exhausted I leaned my head against the wall behind me. There was still a pain behind my eyes, and I just felt horrible. I managed to tear my eyes away from the stairs.<br/>My poor Remus.</p><p>“Alistair, it would be really great of you, if you would keep this to yourself.” James finally said after a few more minutes of tense silence, and I nodded. </p><p>“You kept my secret, I’ll keep yours.” I exhaled. “The stag and the wolf.. that was you?”</p><p>“Dog, not wolf. And yes, we became Animagii. Worms too. So we could be with Remus during full moons.” Sirius explained. </p><p>“Dog.. big dog.” I swallowed, trying to compose myself. “Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs.” I would have laughed if I weren’t so exhausted. “Of course.” </p><p>Sirius chuckled.<br/>“We’re known for our creativity.”</p><p>I huffed as his words, my eyes wandering once again over to the stairs.<br/>“I need to talk to Remus.” I finally said, more to myself than to the others. Convincing myself to do, what I had tried to keep myself from doing over the past months. </p><p>“Are you sure?” Potter asked, worry in his voice. </p><p>“Not at all.” </p><p>“Are you.. angry?” he asked then, more silently. </p><p>I thought about it for a moment but shook my head.<br/>“No, I.. not because of this. I just.. I think we need to clear everything up.” </p><p>The boys exchanged looks, but finally Sirius nodded. <br/>“I think you two should talk, when Remus physically can’t run off.” </p><p>Pettigrew giggled.<br/>“Take this with you. Peace offering.” He handed me a large bar of chocolate, he had just pulled out of his cloak. I said nothing but thanked him with a weak smile and a nod. </p><p>With weak feet I finally got up, supporting myself on the wall and then the stone railing of the great stairs, as I slowly ascended the stair, not sure where I took the energy from to walk. The marauders watched me, worry written over their faces. </p><p>It took me longer than I would’ve liked to admit, and by now there were other students about, who stared at me in a way, that made me worry about how dreadful I must’ve looked after this night. Finally, I reached the hospital wing, hesitating for a moment. </p><p>It was difficult to think. I could not even guess the consequences of Remus being a werewolf would bring with it. I could not say how I was going to react seeing him again, after what had happened. On one hand, he was obviously still Remus, and even if I had tried my best to get over him, I was still very much in love with him. On the other hand, he was a werewolf, and had almost shredded me to pieces. Of course, he had no control over himself when he changed, everything that made Remus, Remus was gone. Images of the wolf haunted my thoughts and appeared before my eyes whenever I closed them. This was going to be difficult. </p><p>I took a deep breath, trying to pull myself together. Then, I opened the door. </p><p>All the beds were empty, apart from the last one in the corner. There was a curtain drawn next to the bed, to give him a bit of privacy, but I could still see him in the reflection of a mirror opposite of his bed. He seemed to be still awake, lying underneath a thick blanket and looking outside the window at a blue sky, dotted with a few clouds. The sun was fully up by now, but I could not say how late it was. </p><p>Madam Pomfrey was nowhere to be seen, so I silently closed the door, walking over to Remus and sitting down on a chair next to his bed. Shocked, Remus turned his head, staring at me. I could just barely stop myself from flinching, as the amber eyes I knew and loved were the same, far too human ones the werewolf had had. </p><p>“Morning.” I brought out, distracting myself in stretching out a hand towards him, holding the chocolate bar Pettigrew had given me. I had expected to feel more fear, more panic, but it was manageable. Maybe I was just too exhausted to be completely scared, or my brain realised that this meagre boy could not hurt me. Not physically at least. </p><p>The shocked expression on his face turned to confusion, his eyes wandering between the chocolate in my hand and my face. It seemed as if he was searching for the right words, opening and closing his mouth a few times like a fish. </p><p>I sighed, dropping the chocolate into his lap, and running my hand through my hair. I had decided to keep it short, and not let it grow out like my mother wanted, as it was kind of comfortable this way, especially during quidditch. </p><p>“Now that you are in a position where you can’t run away from me anymore, can we talk?” I asked, repeating the phrase Sirius had said. I raised an eyebrow, as Remus did not answer.</p><p>He bit his lower lip, and it almost looked like he was supressing a grin. He looked down at the chocolate in his lap, picking it up with a bandaged hand. I swallowed. </p><p>There was a thick silence between us, and I sighed once more, massaging the bridge of my nose.<br/>“Just say something. Anything.” I could not avoid sounding annoyed. </p><p>“I’m sorry.” Remus’ voice was weak and coarse, as if he had been yelling the whole night. Well, in a way he had. I almost shuddered. </p><p>I mustered his face. He looked utterly exhausted, still pale as a corpse, with dark rings underneath his eyes. He was not looking at me, but at the chocolate in his hands, but then frowned, his eyes studying my face as if he had suddenly realised that I looked only slightly better than him. </p><p>“Peter usually gives me this.. and.. how did you even know I was here? It’s super early.” He frowned even more. “And why do you look so terrible?” </p><p>“No need to insult my face.” I tried to joke, but then looked at my hands and swallowed. “I..  was on the grounds tonight.” I mumbled. </p><p>Remus hands started to shake, and I had to look up again, seeing his eyes grow wide. He seemed a bit as if he was unable to really process what I was saying. <br/>“What?” he brought out. If possible, Remus grew even paler and his eyes started to shimmer, as if he was about to cry. “You.. you were there? You.. know?” he left the sentence open.</p><p>I nodded.<br/>“Your friends found me and bought me back to the castle, and no..” I help up a hand, seeing him trying to speak again. “You didn’t hurt me. I managed to climb a tree and they dragged the.. they dragged you away.” I was still somewhat impossible to make the connection that the monster from last night, was this boy in front of me. </p><p>“I.. I could have killed you, Liam.” Remus breathed, and tears now ran over his pale cheeks. There was a sharp sting in my heart.</p><p>Slowly I got up, hesitating for a moment before I sat down on the bed next to Remus, wrapping my arms around him. He immediately hugged me back, his head in the crook of my neck. I had been afraid that he would just push me away, with him not being interested in me and knowing that I had feelings for him, but I was glad that he didn’t.</p><p>“But you didn’t. Nothing happened, everything is alright.” I mumbled into his ear, stroking his back. Well, everything was alright other than my mental health, but he didn’t need to know that. <br/>It felt good holding him in my arms, although my heart felt heavy. </p><p>In a low voice I described how the stag and the dog kept him away from me, and how I managed to hide on a tree until everything was over. Remus listened, his breathing slowly calming down, although I could hear small sobs leaving his throat. </p><p>“This.. this was always what I was afraid of.. I.. I don’t want to hurt you.” He said, when I let go of him, his eyes red from crying.</p><p>“Well, you did. And I am not talking about the wolf.” I clenched my jaw, hating myself for saying it. But it was true, and we had to talk about it. </p><p>I had been very set on wanting an answer from him now, an explanation in his own words, but seeing him like this, maybe it was not the right time. It had been a step in the right direction, but he was way too exhausted and hurt, just like me. We both should just sleep, and then talk about everything when we didn’t feel half-dead anymore. <br/>I got up from the bed, but Remus grabbed my hand.</p><p>“You should sleep.” I simply said, but he didn’t let go. </p><p>“Stay..” he simply countered, looking up at me with big eyes, and I.. I was weak. I could not say no. I nodded, sitting down on the chair again, watching Remus lie down. I almost expected him to talk, but exhaustion finally took him, and after a few more minutes he was fast asleep. </p><p>This would probably have been the point for me to leave too, to go to my dorm, get some rest and sleep after that horrible night. Maybe hit the showers, wash the dirt from the trees, the fear sweat off of me. Brush my teeth and get the taste of vomit out of my mouth. <br/>But I just could not. </p><p>I had not been this close to Remus in months, and I just wanted to be at his side. Be with him, before he would finally reject me. Who needed sleep anyways? When I could just sit here and watch the person I was in love with. </p><p>I leaned back in the chair, trying to be more comfortable on the hard wood. He had not let go of my hand, and I tried to move it as little as possible. He was tranquil and beautiful like this, even if the tribulations were written across his face. I smiled lightly, resting my eyes for a moment. </p><p>I was woken up by laughter, again being startled so violently that I almost fell off the chair.<br/>“Bloody hell!” I put my hand to my chest, my heart beating fast once more. My other hand was still clutched by Remus, who was fast asleep.</p><p>I had not even noticed falling asleep but had dreamt of dark forests and shadows hunting me. I hoped that those dreams would not stay for long, they were truly unsettling. </p><p>I looked around myself and spotted Potter, Black and Pettigrew, apparently laughing at me. I rubbed the back of my neck, which was horribly stiff after sitting in this chair. </p><p>“Morning again.” I finally said, a yawn leaving my mouth.</p><p>“A good afternoon to you too.” Black chuckled. </p><p>“Shite, it’s that late already?” I was confused that Madam Pomfrey had not woken me up, but then again, I had sat hidden behind the curtain dividing the beds from each other, and the nurse probably just let Remus sleep after his.. after the full moon. </p><p>“Yea, you missed lunch.” Pettigrew sat down at the foot of the bed. </p><p>“And did you.. talk?” Sirius asked a bit hopefully, gesturing between me and Remus. It felt all a bit awkward, and I noticed that he was still not sure how to approach the topic.</p><p>“No, not really. Only about.. what happened last night. I thought I’d let him sleep for now.” I looked at him. His eyes were moving behind his eyelids, apparently he was dreaming. I swallowed, the memory of the great beast with its long teeth and razor-sharp claws vivid in my mind again. But those claws were hands now, I reminded myself. Hands that were holding mine. </p><p>Potter noticed my expression, probably able to imagine what was going through my head.<br/>“But.. you still like him? Despite his furry problem?” he asked, causing me to turn my head to him, an are-you-kidding-me expression on my face. </p><p>“Furry problem? Really, that is how you call it?” it was.. ridiculous. </p><p>“Well, you have to describe it somehow.” Pettigrew shrugged. “And he is quite furry.” <br/>I looked over at the other Gryffindor, one eyebrow raised. </p><p>“So?” Potter asked, and I bit my lip.</p><p>This whole situation was.. bizarre, and I was very uncomfortable. I really didn’t want to talk about my feelings with those three guys, but I knew them well enough to know that they would not leave it be. I exhaled audibly. </p><p>“Doesn’t matter, does not now?” I swallowed. “I.. I don’t think his.. furry problem.. changes how I feel.” It was true, so much I knew. Even if it was difficult to wrap my head around it. “But I am still trying to get over him.” </p><p>Sirius frowned.<br/>“Why?” </p><p>I just stared at him. Was he really that stupid?<br/>“Because I’m not going to run after a boy who does not feel the same things for me, that I feel for him. I’m not Potter, running after Lily until he wore her down.” I snorted. “No offence, mate.” I then added towards the boy in question. </p><p>“No, no. That’s fair.” He made, grimacing. </p><p>“You don’t know how it.. how it hurts to be treated like this. To have someone who you deeply care about use you like this and then just drop you, like a toy.” I just said, slowly pulling my hand out of Remus grasp, as suddenly it felt as if it was burning my skin. </p><p>“I don’t think that he does not feel the same for you.” Sirius looked at Remus. “The way he always talked about you, how he threatened me to curse me if I’d pull another prank on you, I.. he was very cross with me when I punched you.” </p><p>“Yea, he talked a lot about you.” Petigrew added rolling his eyes with a grin. “Like, way too much, seriously. ‘Oh, Liam made me a potion!’ and ‘Oh, that is just what Liam said when we were studying!”’. It was almost annoying to listen to him.” </p><p>I pursed my lips, looking back at Remus. The small flame of hope in my chest, that I had been unable to quench over the past months grew into a whole bloody fire.<br/>“But.. why did he stop talking to me then?” it didn’t make much sense.</p><p>“Probably his furry problem.” Sirius stated. “Was the same way when we became friends in our first year. He tried to push us away and ignore us, because he was afraid of our reaction, and afraid of hurting us.” </p><p>“Getting scared and running from his problems? Yea, that sounds a lot like our Moony.” Potter chuckled. </p><p>I bit my lip, trying to contain the feelings that started to bubble up in my chest. Everything they said made a lot of sense. Still, I wanted to hear it from him before I really got my hopes up. </p><p>Everyone was silent for a while, when suddenly we were all startled by an angry Madam Pomfrey, who ushered us out of the hospital wing to let Remus rest. </p><p>“Hey, ahm..” I scratched the back of my neck, as the four of us stood outside in the corridor. “Thank you for.. just for everything.” I finally managed to say. “For uncovering the death eaters, for saving me from the wolf and then saving me again from the forest.” I looked down at my shoes, which were really muddy from last night. </p><p>“It’s alright.” Sirius grinned. I had never seen him grin at me like that, usually all I got was an angry stare. Things had truly changed. </p><p>Awkwardly I waved, before turning around and leaving them behind, hearing Pettigrew giggle, before he was apparently elbowed by one of the others. </p><p>I felt like shite. Everything hurt, my head was still throbbing and now I was aching all over even more from falling asleep on an uncomfortable wooden chair. I had not eaten anything today, or had anything to drink, and I felt disgusting and just horrible. On my way down to the dungeons, I made a de-tour to the great hall, where at this time of the day only a few students were sitting around, grabbing a few afternoon snacks from the Slytherin table, before continuing to head to the common room. </p><p>I went straight to the dorm, putting my food onto my side table, and stripping out of my clothes, throwing them into the wash. Gladly I was alone, as I really didn’t fancy telling any of my roommates about why I looked like death incarnate, and where I had been the whole night. <br/>I took a bundle of fresh clothes and went into the bathroom, taking a long and hot shower, half of the time sitting on the floor and just letting the water flow over me. </p><p>I felt a lot better afterwards and healed the few cuts and scraps on my face before dressing. I sat down on my bed, starting to eat the food I had snatched from the great hall and just tried to relax my sore muscles. <br/>I nodded off slightly, and once again my dreams were filled with forests and monsters. </p><p>I woke up with a yell not an hour later, breathing fast and sweating profoundly, with a racing heart. That was not good, not good at all. </p><p>I ran a hand through my hair, before getting up, hitting the showers once again to cool myself down a bit. It was only two more hours until dinner, and I just had to pull myself together until them.</p><p>It was of course not surprising how my mind reacted to the traumatic event of being chased by a werewolf, but I was worried what that meant for any chances for Remus and me. Of course, we still had to talk about everything, but just in case.. he had feelings for me, maybe knowing how that night affected me would drive him away again. </p><p>I occupied myself by tidying up my trunk, before it was finally time for dinner, and I headed to the great hall. With a growling stomach I sat down at the Slytherin table, instantly heaping food onto my plate and starting to shovel it into my mouth. It was a good sign that I had an appetite, right?<br/>My head felt a lot better now, and even though I still felt a bit shit, it was nothing compared to how it was earlier in the day. </p><p>“Wow, Liam, no offence but you look dreadful.” Edgar sat down next to me, his eyes wandering over my face.</p><p>I waved him off.<br/>“The day I had.” I just said between two spoonful of peas, continuing to eat. </p><p>The boy mustered me for a few moments, before understanding that this was everything I would say about that topic. He sighed, helping himself to some dinner. </p><p>“Anyway..” he dragged out the word. “Slughorn told me he wanted to see you tomorrow after class.” </p><p>“Did he say why?” I raised an eyebrow. Anxiety shot through me for a moment, and I really hoped it had nothing to do with the death eaters.</p><p>“Quidditch related, probably. He mentioned it after we discussed our seeker problems.”</p><p>I relaxed instantly and nodded, but was distracted as my eyes went to the doors of the hall, where the marauders just entered. Remus was with them. <br/>He still looked pale and sick as always after his.. illness, but I was glad that he was well enough to attend dinner. Our eyes met, and I tried a smile, happy that he smiled back. </p><p>The rest of the evening I spent in the common room with the quidditch team, Edgar having called in a meeting to talk about our new seeker and possible strategies to compensate a less experienced player. We had someone in mind, who was not too bad, a fourth year with such a strong Irish accent, that often not even I could understand him. He, Evangeline and Agnes had set up extra training sessions to practice, all three of them highly motivated to, despite Reg leaving us, win the quidditch cup this year. </p><p>I went to bed a bit later than I had intended, as I had pulled Septima aside and told her a slightly fake story on why Remus had ignored me (that being him being afraid of being in a same-sex relationship), and that we were going to talk about it soon, which she kind of believed.</p><p>“I will only believe it when I see it.” She had said. I knew she didn’t want me to get hurt again, so I took no offence to her words. </p><p>I was still quite tired, despite having slept most of the day. It was probably the shock, which exhausted me so much, to the point where I just wanted to stay in bed for a week. I was still a bit wary though, afraid to dream again, and made a mental note to brew some dreamless sleep potion the next day. </p><p>Unsurprisingly I slept incredibly bad that night. I often awoke, covered in sweat and high alert, from yet another dream of being chased. I got up way earlier than usually, still tired but unwilling to endure another bad dream. I got ready, headed to the great hall, taking my potions book with me to research the draught I intended to make. It distracted me a bit, but not enough to truly relax.</p><p>I felt very uneasy, and my heart was beating loud and fast in my ears, despite me just sitting down and doing nothing but reading. Knowing that I would meet Remus in class today also did nothing to ease my nerves.<br/>I.. I really could not say how he would behave. Would sit in the front again, as he had done in the past months, or would he sit on the old spot in the back, as if nothing had happened?<br/>Both prospects were kind of scary if I was honest.</p><p>Slowly the great hall filled, Septima siting down next to me. <br/>“Morning.” She just mumbled, pouring herself a cup of coffee.</p><p>“Morning.” I answered, closing my book, and putting it back into my school bag. </p><p>Prashin joined us not much later, and I got pulled into yet another quidditch discussion, although this morning I could not really bring myself to focus on it. I only nodded from time to time, but in my head, I was recounting the ingredients I needed for the potion I intended to make tonight, and where I would get some that were missing. I had run out of wormwood a few weeks ago but knew that there were some wormwood plants growing in glasshouse 3. Professor Sprout usually didn’t mind seventh year students taking some ingredients for advanced potions if they were part of the school curriculum. </p><p>After breakfast I got up, noticing how Prash mustered me with quite a worried expression on his face. <br/>“Everything alright, mate?” he asked, frowning. </p><p>“Just tired, didn’t sleep that well.” I excused myself, before waving him and Septima goodbye. Septima had a knowing expression on her face, probably thinking I was only distracted by the prospect of talking to Remus, which was at least half true. </p><p>I climbed up the stairs to the arithmancy classroom, and with every step I took my heartbeat seemed to increase even more. It was ridiculous to act like that, to feel like that, I thought, and it was driving me insane that I could not bring myself to calm down. I really didn’t want to show up to class sweating and with a rapid breath, sitting down next to Remus, a person I was in love with and a thing that I was afraid of.</p><p>No. Stop.<br/>I shouldn’t let myself even think like that.<br/>Remus was not a thing, he was not a monster. He was an amazing human being, who had an affliction he could not control. I had to change the way I was thinking about this. </p><p>I entered the classroom and immediately spotted Remus sitting there, in the last row, where he had sat before.. before everything had gone bad. He looked up to me, standing in the door, a slight smile on his lips. He looked a lot better today, although still a bit sickly, as if he had just recovered from a bad cold. </p><p>I slowly went over to him, dropping my bag and sitting down next to him. <br/>“Hi..” was everything that left my mouth and I felt stupid. </p><p>“Hi.” Remus seemed as if he tried to supress a grin, looking down at his book for a moment. </p><p>I didn’t quite know how to act, and just sat there, a faint smile still on my face. The whole thing was weird, but I could not just start talking about it now, when we were sitting in a classroom full of people who certainly did not need to know all this. At the same time, it was maybe also weird to make small talk, like I usually did, considering the situation. </p><p>“Do you have time to.. talk? After class, I mean.” I asked silently, and Remus nodded. He looked as if he tried to say something, but in that moment professor Vector entered, starting the class.</p><p>I had to admit, it was really difficult to focus, with Remus sitting so close next to me again, but I managed to follow the class enough to take notes, so I could re-read them later, and actually make sense of what I had written down. </p><p>The class, which was usually one of my favourite subjects, dragged on, and it felt like ages had passed when the bell finally rang. Everyone started to pack up their things, and Remus and I idled a bit, ending up being the last ones to leave the classroom. When we entered the corridor, most students had already left. </p><p>I exhaled audibly, before turning to Remus.<br/>“Do you.. want to walk a bit? Slughorn won’t mind us being late for once, I think.” I said nervously. </p><p>Remus nodded silently, and we started to walk along the corridor, missing the great stairs and turning to the right, walking on. </p><p>“So..” I started after a while, as Remus had not said anything. The situation was so horribly weird, and I was a bit mad at the Gryffindor for still not talking to me. He was supposed to be the brave one, not I!</p><p>I tried to find the right words.<br/>“I.. we..” I started, before taking a deep breath. “Just say something.” I looked at him, a pained expression in my face that mirrored the tone in my voice. </p><p>Remus looked down at the floor, chewing his lip. He looked quite.. embarrassed? Was that the right word?</p><p>“What do you want me to say?” Finally, words left his mouth, and he looked up at me again.</p><p>Frankly, I was a bit shocked at that. What did I want him to say? Really? I got angry and annoyed. <br/>“I don’t know, for example why you have ignored me since Christmas? Why you’ve never answered my bloody letters? Why you treated me like thin air?” It came out before I thought about it. “I totally understand if you just wanted to try things out, but we were friends, mate, and that is not how you treat your friends! You could have just told me, said that this was just-..” But Remus stopped me by moving in front of me and putting a hand over my mouth. I frowned, and he sighed deeply, dropping his hand, and looking at the floor again.</p><p>“Sorry if what we did.. scared you? Was not what you wanted? I’m just trying to understand what went wrong..” I tried. The things his friends had told me yesterday had fuelled the flame of hope in my chest, but his behaviour right now quenched it again. My emotions were a rollercoaster. </p><p>“You don’t have to apologise, you never had to apologise. It was.. wrong to ignore you like that, but..” he sighed deeply, turning away and walking on slowly. I followed him, the frown still on my face. </p><p>Remus reached a broad windowsill, overlooking one of Hogwarts’ many courtyards. He sat down and pulled his legs up, before gesturing beside him for me to sit down too. I hesitated for a moment, as the windowsill was not that large, and we would be sitting quite close together. And if he was rejecting me now for good, I was not sure if I would be able to handle that. <br/>Finally, I sat down, also pulling my feet up and sitting back a bit, so that my back rested against the stained-glass window behind me. Shielded a bit from the view of the corridor, Remus seemed to feel comfortable enough to speak.  </p><p>“Look, I.. I’m not going to lie, I started to like you quite early on. I also always.. kind of found you quite attractive, but with Regulus being your best friend and Sirius being mine, it was.. never possible to talk to you.” He finally said, blushing. My heart pounded.</p><p>“So, this was not just.. curiosity? You are gay?” I needed the reassurance, needed to hear it from him. Especially after talking to Septima, who had been used like that by a curious girl, I had been very afraid that it was the same with Remus. </p><p>“Well, no. I’m not.. I’m not gay.” Remus said, and my heart froze in that moment. There was a sting, and it seemed as if all my fears had become true. I clenched my jaw and frowned, and the other boy noticed my distress. Quickly he spoke on. “That does not mean that I don’t like boys, I.. I’m more.. I think I’m bi, like David Bowie.”</p><p>“Who is David Bowie?” I felt completely lost now and insanely confused. I was not in the right state of mind to try and place this name. There was a David in our year in Hufflepuff, but I didn’t know his last name. </p><p>“A muggle singer, I.. it’s not that important.” Remus tried and smiled. “I like both, that is all that matters.” </p><p>My heartrate dropped a bit again. Ok, I understood that. He was bi, that was.. good. And he said that he liked me.. that was even better. The flame of hope flared up again. </p><p>“What I wanted to say is that.. I started to like you… like-like you, I mean. Quite a lot actually, and.. I admit I noticed that you also seemed to like me in the same way.” He chewed his lower lip. Butterflies threw a party in my stomach, and at the same time I felt a bit embarrassed that I had apparently been so obvious. “It was just.. I don’t want to sound silly.” Remus’ cheeks grew even redder. </p><p>“Say it.” I softly encouraged him, tilting my head slightly. He smiled a bit, before looking up to me, locking his eyes with mine.</p><p>“I found it kind of.. romantic? Just the two of us slowly falling in love with each other, spending time together and having.. dates which are not really dates but I can pretend that they are.” He blushed even harder now, if that was even possible. I bit my lip to supress a smile.</p><p>The bell rang, announcing the end of the break, but we still stayed where we were. We would just tell Slughorn that we needed to help a student or something, he would probably not mind too much. We were both good students, Remus used to be a prefect, and I was now one of his favourites. </p><p>“You brewed me potions when you thought I was sick, we studied together, and I found out how many interests we share. All these long conversations about things my friends are not interested in, you talking about ancient magic, or our discussions about muggle technology. It is just so easy to be myself around you. It was like all those cheesy romance novels.” The expression in his face made my heart melt.</p><p>“You read cheesy romance novels?” Come out of my mouth, before I could think about it. Remus had to laugh.</p><p>“Oh, shut up, Liam.” He grinned. “I just.. it was such a good feeling. With all the shit going on, it was like an escape.” Remus did not often curse, so I knew he was serious about it. “And the Yule ball.. Liam..” Remus rubbed over his face, now even his ears turning red. “That was just like a bloody dream. I couldn’t have imagined it being any better, it was just so magical, I..” he stopped, shaking his head. </p><p>Hearing him say that made me blush too. He had not to explain himself, as I completely understood what he meant. I was happy that I was not the only one who had thought of this evening as special, and that he also felt this way. It made me understand even less why he had then gone on and cut me out of his life completely. </p><p>“What was the problem, then?” I asked honestly, my voice not as steady as I had hoped. </p><p>Remus looked like it physically pained him to talk about it, but he swallowed and took a deep breath.<br/>“The morning after the ball, I.. I guess it was really waking up, waking up from this perfect dream of us being together, and ignoring all the bad things around us.” He looked down at his hands, kneading them in his lap. “I just panicked. I knew it would be impossible to keep my secret from you, if we were so close, and I was very afraid of you rejecting me because of it. Or even worse, you ending up getting hurt by the wolf.” His shoulders dropped and he looked devastated. </p><p>I really wanted to wrap my arms around him, hug him, but I also didn’t want to interrupt him, now that hie was finally talking about what had gone wrong. I was finally getting some bloody answers, after being ignored for almost three months. </p><p>“You know what people say about werewolves. You’ve had the same classes as me, talking about the dangers of being around us, and how to identify us. The werewolf registry, the werewolf capture unit and the werewolf code of conduct from the ministry. There is even a book called ‘Lupine Lawlessness: Why Lycanthropes don’t deserve to live’! Imagine finding that as a thirteen-year-old, strolling around Flourish and Blotts.” He shook his head. My heart stung seeing him like this. “When people find out what we are they.. they don’t even talk to us, they stop treating us like humans. Relatives from my father’s side have broken contact after I was bitten.” He swallowed. “I just.. thought it would be best to just cut you off, to not pursue this and.. just not endangering you or myself. Save us both a lot of heartache.” </p><p>Even though his actions certainly did not save me from any heartache, quite in contrary, I could not be angry at him. It hurt me to hear those words leave his mouth, and I pitied him for everything he had to go through. I moved a bit, so I sat directly next to him, our legs and arms touching. He looked at me, question and fear in his amber eyes. </p><p>“Listen, I won’t lie to you and tell you it is all dandy with me. I.. that night was probably the most traumatic event of my life, and when I close my eyes, I still see the wolf. It haunts me in my sleep.” I started, and Remus eyes grew big. He opened his mouth, about to say something, but now it was me who stopped him by putting a hand over his mouth. “However..” I empathised, dropping my hand again. “I am still very much in love with you, and I would love to make this.. to make us work. Somehow.” I tried a smile. Remus didn’t look very convinced. </p><p>I sighed, taking his hand into mine. His fingers were cold and sweaty, and so were mine. I didn’t care. </p><p>“Look, I have much to learn, and a whole lot of things to unlearn. I’ll also have to work through some things, and I know that certainly won’t be easy. But you are so worth it Remus, you are worth all the trouble. Werewolf or no, I really, really want to be with you.” And that was the truth. Deep down, despite what had happened, I still wanted to be close to him. </p><p>Remus just stared at me, and I kind of lost the little bravery I had, letting go of his hand. I got the feeling that I might have misjudged him, might have misjudged the situation. Maybe this was not about me wanting to pursue this further, despite him being a werewolf. Maybe this was more about him not wanting to commit to a relationship due to his condition. I felt a bit stupid and crossed my arms in front of the chest, once again more hugging myself than anything else. I quickly looked out of the window, unsure what to do now. </p><p>Suddenly I felt a hand reaching for my chin, turning my head. Remus sighed deeply, before he pulled me towards him, his lips finding mine. My brain just turned itself off, and I kissed back, my eyes fluttering shut. I forgot whatever it was I had just been thinking about. </p><p>The kiss was not long, and when Remus moved away again, he found my eyes. </p><p>“James.. James told me what you said to him.. about us.” He then started, and I had to blush, lowering my eyes, unable to face him. </p><p>“I’m so sorry for telling them. They.. they cornered me after class and Sirius..” I started, but Remus shook his head, making me look at him again.</p><p>“I know. I don’t blame you. It was honestly not how I ever intended to tell them but.. at least they know now. We talked about it yesterday evening, and for the first time I actually just.. told them how I felt and all that. It was.. nice. And they are all very accepting of it.” He chewed his lip. “And obviously Sirius then asked me if he was attractive, but.. that is beside the point.” </p><p>I had to chuckle.<br/>“Also, sorry for calling you a prick.” I grimaced. </p><p>“No, no, that was fair. I might have not used you, like you thought, but I still did break your heart, and for that I deserve being called a prick. You did nothing wrong and just.. cared about me, and yet I was so unfair to you.” Now he took my hand and squeezed it slightly. </p><p>“I really want to be with you.” I said honestly, looking into his eyes. “Like.. boyfriends.” I swallowed. </p><p>“That would be really great.” Remus grinned, his cheeks turning red again.</p><p>“Great.” I grinned, my brain not really having turned on again. Remus was.. my boyfriend? Was that real? The butterflies in my stomach now expanded, reaching every part of my body. </p><p>“We should probably go to class now.” Remus had to laugh. </p><p>“Probably.” I nodded. Before he could move though, I pulled him towards me again, kissing him and pouring all my emotions into the kiss. It felt so good, so insanely good to kiss him again, I could not even begin and try putting it into words. </p><p>I didn’t know how long we just sat there, snogging, but at one point Remus softly pushed me away, reminding me once again that we should be going to class. Even though I would certainly have preferred keeping on kissing my boyfriend (it made me far too excited to think about him that way), I knew that he was right, and we finally got up, and descended the great stairs, walking down to the dungeons. We got to class around half an hour late, and as expected, Slughorn believed our excuse. We took our seats, Potter grinning from one ear to the other as if he personally had orchestrated us getting together. He immediately started whispering to Remus as he sat down, and I just had to roll my eyes, pulling out quill and parchment and starting to copy everything from the blackboard that I had missed. I was now sitting alone on one of the tables in the back, as Zissa had taken the spot Macnair used to sit, next to Malfoy. </p><p>I had to admit, that after potions I was a bit too shy to join Remus and his friends on the way up, and so idled a bit, as I walked up to the classroom for defence against the dark arts. We focused on non-verbal spells again, and when we went down for lunch, my head was slightly spinning. </p><p>Still, I felt a lot better than this morning, although I was still quite giddy, and flinched at loud noises, what annoyed me immensely. I knew that this was probably going to last for quite a while, and I also knew that it would probably help talking to someone, although I was not sure to whom I could speak, without endangering Remus and without getting myself into trouble. </p><p>I had a slightly rushed lunch, only shortly whispering to Septima that Remus was now my boyfriend, which caused her to give me a broad grin and two thumbs up, before I left the great hall, heading for the greenhouses. Professor sprout was already there, preparing a class, and did not even question me when I asked for wormwood leaves to practice the dreamless potion for my N.E.W.T.s. I thanked her, returning to the entry hall, just in time to catch the marauders making their way out of the great hall and to the gates, to go down onto the grounds for care for magical creatures. </p><p>I gathered the small amount of bravery that I had, walking towards them, putting a casual smile on my face to overplay my nervousness.<br/>“May I join you?” I asked, instantly feeling stupid for wording it like that. I was not sure how to act with Remus’ friends around and didn’t know if he had told him that we were together now. </p><p>“Of course!” Potter said before anyone else could answer me, throwing an arm around my shoulders and dragging me along to the castle gates. I flinched, not sure what to make of this, and threw a confused and slightly panicked glance back at Remus who had to grin. </p><p>“Sorry for Prongs, he is just way too happy that Moony is not miserable anymore.” Pettigrew explained with a giggle.</p><p>“Ok..” I raised an eyebrow. </p><p>“Or he wants to be on your good side with the quidditch game coming up and all that.” Sirius added, shaking his head, and pulling me out of Potter’s grasp. </p><p>“You’ve seen him play! Of course, I want to be on his good side!” Potter put his hands onto his hips. “Either his good side, or the hospital wing!”</p><p>Now I had to laugh, and together we left the great hall, passing Snape who was just heading down to the dungeons. He frowned when he saw the group of us, and I hoped I would not have to hear anything from him because of that. Potter and Sirius bullied him a lot, but he often kind of deserved it. </p><p>It was odd walking with the marauders, especially after six and a half years of Sirius disliking me, and five and a half years of him actively hating me due to my close friendship with Regulus. And now? Here I was, right in the middle, next to Remus, listening and participating in their conversation. I was a bit envious about their friendship, it was obvious how close they all were to each other, and how much they trusted each other. They were fun, I had to admit that. It made me miss Regulus even more. </p><p>Care for magical creatures was quite fun, even though I was no fan of the imp we discussed in class. I was also a bit distracted by Remus, when we sat down next to each other to sketch the creature, who had started to compare the way the creature looked to Filch. </p><p>After the two-hour class, we made our way back to the castle, and Remus and I were walking a bit behind the others. <br/>“I.. I plan to brew a dreamless potion tonight for.. your know.” I swallowed. Remus frowned a bit. “Would you like to help?” </p><p>“Can we pretend this is a date?” Remus smirked. </p><p>“Pretend?” I raised an eyebrow. “I always thought our study sessions were dates.” I admitted and he laughed. </p><p>“Of course, I’ll help.” He smiled. </p><p>“The third-floor study room? It has stone tables for cauldrons. Say, around seven?” </p><p>Remus nodded and I had to grin, before we re-joined the others, walking up to the castle. </p><p>After ancient runes I made my way to Slughorn’s office, not quite sure what he would want from me. As he had not said anything in potions, I was a bit worried, that he wanted to talk to me about the death eaters. I hoped not, I didn’t want to deal with that today. </p><p>I knocked on the heavy wooden door, waiting for him to open it. <br/>“Liam! Good to see you, boy, come in!” Slughorn stepped aside, letting me enter his office. He closed the door behind me, gesturing at a chair in front of his desk. I sat down, watching him round his desk to reach his own chair, sitting down. </p><p>“I hope you are well after everything that transpired.” He started, mustering me as if I was his favourite nephew. I swallowed hard, but finally nodded.</p><p>“I am alright.” I managed to say.</p><p>“I imagine it was quite a shock, no? Boys, you’ve been sharing your dorm with, boys who you surly considered friends..” He smiled softly. I managed not to tell him that Macnair, Crabbe and Goyle were certainly not people I would consider friends, the same being true of Snape and Malfoy. So, I just nodded again.</p><p>“Well, then I will hopefully cheer you up a bit. There are two reasons I wanted to talk to you today. The first thing, which I also told dear Edgar already, being that there will be a Slug-Club meeting on the Friday after your game against Gryffindor. I am sure we will be able to celebrate.” He winked with a grin. “The second reason is, that I managed to ask my dear friend Ludo Bagman to watch your game again.”</p><p>My eyes went big. Bagman had agreed to visit us again? To watch our game?</p><p>“And, as even better news, he also told me that he will bring the Wimborne Wasps manager, Evan Lynch with him. It sounds a lot as if their team is looking for some fresh new players, so I of course told them to watch especially you and Edgar very closely. It is still a shame about Regulus, he could have also made it into the league.” The professor sighed at first but then grinned, and seemed amused by my shocked expression. </p><p>Bloody hell. That was.. great! But also really, really stressful. Now we just had to win! Even without Regulus, which would be very, very difficult. </p><p>“P-professor, I.. just wow! I don’t know what to say!” I shook my head. That seriously was way too much excitement for one bloody day. I hoped that I would not just faint again. </p><p>“I hoped you would be excited.” Slughorn looked very pleased with himself. </p><p>“Does Edgar know?” I asked. It would be strange, he would have told me.</p><p>“No, not yet. We talked about the new seeker before Ludo’s confirmation arrived, and I didn’t want to spoil it in case he didn’t find the time. But do go and tell him. It will cheer him up, I’m sure.” </p><p>I nodded with a grin, before I got up. I said a quick goodbye to Slughorn, before I left his office and practically ran through the dungeons to reach the common room. I yelled the password at the wall, arriving in the Slytherin common room completely out of breath. </p><p>I looked around and spotted Edgar and Agnes in a corner playing chess, who both looked up when I came in.<br/>“Oh, Ed! You won’t believe what I’m going to tell you!” I must’ve looked rather insane, as Edgar stared at me a bit shocked. </p><p>“Everything alright, mate?” he asked, taken aback as I sprinted over to him, practically throwing myself on top of him in excitement. Reg, who was sitting with Lestrange on the Sofa in front of the fireplace turned his head towards us, a sad, but also quite confused expression on his face. </p><p>“I just talked to Slughorn! Bagman and Lynch will come to our game against Gryffindor!” I hugged Edgar, whose eyes were now about as large as a quaffle. </p><p>“What? Seriously?” he was shocked, but finally hugged me back. I knew he was a fan of Pride of Portee, a Scottish team, but his dream was to play professionally, just as mine, and that was certainly a massive chance for us. </p><p>“Slughorn told them to watch us closely!” I grinned.</p><p>There was a lot of enthusiasm in the common room after that, no one quite believing that such famous people would attend our next match. Regulus smiled at me and subtly gave me the thumbs up, which honestly felt even better than anything Slughorn had told me. </p><p>Agnes got up and hugged Edgar and me, and even Evangeline who had also been in the common room came over to us. </p><p>Finally, after we almost squeezed each other to death, Edgar pushed us all away, his face suddenly dead serious. <br/>“But you all understand what that means, right?” he looked around, but continued to speak, before anyone of us could answer. “We’re going to train harder, longer and with more determination! Fitzpatrick!” he turned to our new potential seeker, Killian Fitzpatrick, who was still sitting with his friends at one of the tables. <br/>He was.. ok-ish. By far not as good as Regulus, but better than the others who had tried out. </p><p>“We’re going to have at least three extra sessions every week, possibly one every day if we can squeeze it in! There are just two weeks until the game, and you really have to get a lot better if we want to win!”</p><p>The boy grew a bit pale, but nodded quickly, certainly not wanting to disappoint any of us. </p><p>After dinner, which I spent with the team, discussing tactics and new manoeuvres that could impress Lynch and Bagman, I packed up my potions equipment, my advanced potions book and some parchment for notes, heading up out of the dungeons and to the study room on the third floor. There were not many study rooms equipped to handle potioneering, so during the afternoons it was usually quite packed with students. Now, after dinner on a Monday, I hoped it to be mostly empty. </p><p>When I arrived, Remus was already there, sitting on a bench and bent over his own potions book, a whole stack of other books next to him, which he had probably gotten from the library. Apart from him, the study room was empty, and I smiled, knowing that we would be alone. I entered, dropping all my things on one of the stone tables, and pulling Remus towards me for a long kiss, before he could even say anything. </p><p>He grinned at me when we parted, a wide toothy grin, the kind of grin one made when one didn’t even think about how one would look like doing it. </p><p>“I like doing this.” He said, biting his lip. “Kissing you, I mean.”</p><p>“Me too.” I kissed him again. It felt magical, almost unreal, but at the same time just so bloody right, it drove me insane. </p><p>We started the potion, following the instructions given in our schoolbook, but also comparing it to the other recipes Remus had found in the library. It had been almost a year since we had brewed this potion in class, and so we wanted to be sure it worked out alright. Next to brewing, we also started to catch up a bit. We talked, just like we had before Christmas, which was for some reason just as good as kissing him. We spoke about the death eaters and about Regulus, and how the marauders had planned their prank. Just as I had expected Lily and McGonagall had been in on the plan, to try and expose the death eaters without endangering anyone else. Remus also told me that Sirius had only said that they had wanted to make Regulus a death eater too, not that they already had. I was not sure if that was a good, or a bad thing, but I was glad that Regulus had not been thrown out of school, where he would surly meet punishment from his parents, and at least was somewhat save for now. </p><p>We changed to nicer topics when Remus noticed how worried I was about Regulus. We started with daily things, and what was new in Muggle studies, and I also told him about Bagman and Lynch, and how Slughorn apparently planned to get me, and Edgar be part of the Wasps. </p><p>“I’m proud of you, Lee!” he grinned. “Though, honestly, that will be a real conflict of interest at the next game. I would not know who to cheer for!” Remus put a fake serious expression on his face, while he stirred the potion. </p><p>“Just be happy either way.” I offered, a grin on my lips. “And maybe cheer a bit more for me. Secretly.” </p><p>Remus laughed, pressing a short kiss onto my cheek. </p><p>The butterflies in my stomach were now completely out of control, and in this moment, I kind of had the feeling that despite everything going on, things would probably turn out alright. Somehow.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hate begging for comments, but it would be super cool if you could comment what you like, or what you dont like about this story! Do you like the OCs? If yes, who is your favourite? Is there anything you really hate about this story?</p><p>That would be super amazing and make my day! especially as I just finished university and for the first time in over a year can just take some time off</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Life is Good.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>thank you so much for the comments! :D and the kudos :D and just for reading!</p><p>this is the last (completed) chapter that the original version of this story had, so from now on I will write 'freely', but as I already know what happens and how it ends, that wont be a problem. As I've stated before, the last chapter is planned and already half written</p><p>as due to covid regulations, I cannot in fact, move to a different country right now, i have a bit more time on my hands to write</p><p>possible TW: discussion of homophobia and homophobic laws, some descriptions of werewolf transformation/maybe mild body horror, mentions of drinking alcohol</p><p>(if there are ever things that you think i should warn at the beginning of chapters, dont hesitate to say!)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was Sunday morning, mid-March, and spring had finally fully arrived in the glens of Scotland. The sun was warming the castle grounds, birds were chirping in the trees, and colourful wildflowers grew everywhere.</p><p>Madam Pomfrey had her hands full, giving out potions to the children allergic to pollen, and it almost seemed as if the school and the students had finally relaxed a bit after the death eaters (or rather only some of them, unfortunately) had been exposed. </p><p>I was standing on the quidditch pitch, together with Septima, Prashin, Killean, Evangeline and Agnes, as we all watched Edgar who shook James Potter’s hand. It was the day of the highly anticipated game against Gryffindor, the first game of the year. </p><p>My eyes wandered over the stands, seeing many cheering faces, red and yellow as well as silver and green flags everywhere. I spotted Remus sitting with the other Gryffindors, right between Sirius and Pettigrew, grinning down at us. </p><p>I grinned back, but let my eyes wander further, spotting Bagman and Lynch sitting up there with the teachers, right next to Slughorn. They were talking to each other, eyes on the field. I inhaled and exhaled slowly, my hand stroking over my bat bearing Bagman’s signature. I had to admit that I was tense, nervous, but all in all still very much excited. </p><p>For the past weeks we had trained a lot, fighting with Gryffindor over the rights to use the pitch, so much that Slughorn and McGonagall had to step in and decide on a schedule. I really hoped that all that trouble would pay off in the end.<br/>Fitzpatrick had improved a lot, not only due to the intensive training Edgar put him through, but also due to a curious little note that I had found in my locker in the changing rooms, giving out some tips and tricks for playing seeker in a very familiar handwriting. </p><p>Still, Septima and I had to support Killean, needing to distract James if we wanted to have any chance on catching the snitch. That was also new, calling Potter James. </p><p>The past fortnight had gone by very quickly. I had basically ran from class to training, to study session, back to class and training. The dreamless potion did wonders, and I had managed to sleep enough to handle my tight schedule, and to wake up well rested in the mornings. I had to admit, that I kind of missed dreaming a bit, but knowing that I would probably see a giant werewolf trying to tear me apart, it was probably better to live without it, at least until I managed to deal with that, whenever I would find the time. </p><p>Remus had apparently talked with James about it, as the Gryffindor had offered me an open ear to talk to, if I ever needed it. I was very thankful for that, as I did not have anyone left who I trusted enough to talk to about stuff like that, and I decided to take him up on his offer after the quidditch game. </p><p>Remus and I also had started to study together again, which was frankly the best thing during these past two weeks. Of course, we couldn’t just snog in the library, even though I really would have liked that, but even just behaving like friends again made me very happy. <br/>By spending a lot of my time outside of class with Remus, I also started to spend a bit of time with the other marauders, who seemed to be completely ok with our relationship. It had surprised me a bit, I had to admit, but on the other hand, James had already shown that he was very tolerant and open minded. To them, it seemed to be worse that I was a Slytherin, than it seemed to be that I was a boy being in a relationship with their friend. </p><p>We still held back in front of them, although from time-to-time Remus and I stole away for an hour or so, either in empty corridors, the small secret passage we had found ourselves in during the ball, or my favourite spot at the lake, where the fallen tree was. There we could hug and kiss and just be a couple. It was quite frustrating to hide, but it still felt so good and right to be with him. We both thought it was best to not make our relationship public as long as we were in school, and for the first time I started to anticipate the time after school, where I could be with Remus. </p><p>I would have to come out to my family, which was.. a whole different, nerve wrecking topic, but I would do it, if it meant that I could introduce them to Remus. My mum would certainly adore him, as he was kind and smart. My dad.. I was not so sure. Remus was a Gryffindor, so that was a plus, but still, I could not say how my dad would react if I brought him home, which was one of the reasons I had not yet told my parents that I was gay. </p><p>As nice as our little secret meetings were, it was never more than kissing. I didn’t want to push Remus to do anything he was not ready for, especially since I figured that he had no experience apart from me, at least with another boy. I wanted to do it in his pace, to make sure he was comfortable with everything we did. Still, I was a 17-year-old boy, and snogging the person I was incredibly in love with of course did not just go past me, and I had more quick wanks in the shower than I would ever care to admit. <br/>I knew it would be best to just.. talk about it with Remus, but I had never found the right time to just start this kind of conversation. </p><p>During the past few days, I also kind of avoided the marauders as a group, frankly solely because James and I had started to bicker a lot this week, especially when he saw me with books like ‘Beating the Bludgers – A Study of Defensive Strategies in Quidditch’, or ‘The Beater’s Bible’ (especially the latter one, where the first rule was to ‘Take out the Seeker’). Sirius was very amused by this. </p><p>On the 10th of March we celebrated Remus’ 18th birthday together, and it had been an incredibly fun afternoon. We celebrated in an empty classroom, so I could also participate, with the marauder’s map lying open on a table, just so that we could check if any teacher would come close to the classroom and catch us. Next to Remus friends and me, Lily and Peter’s girlfriend Anne had also joined us, with Remus telling me that the two girls knew of us, and that it was ok. Sirius had asked the house elves in the kitchens to bake a large cake, and we all handed presents to a very blushing Remus. </p><p>This was also the first time I actually kissed Remus in front of the others, although it was just a quick kiss on the lips, after I had handed him the present, I had gotten him (a David Bowie vinyl of his new album ‘Low’, I had asked my sister to get for me, and which had cost me all my remaining pocket money; apparently he was one of Remus’ favourite musicians). We had both been very red in the face after that, and I had been unable to face any of the others for a few minutes, until Lily had handed me a butter beer and asked about how I got the record.  </p><p>I shook my head slightly to return to reality, as we all mounted our brooms, rising up into the air. I looked over to Septima, her long hair in a tight braid that reached her hips. She nodded at me and I nodded back. </p><p>Madam Hooch opened the large chest that stood in the middle of the pitch, the two bludgers immediately shooting up like cannon balls. The snitch was right behind them, the small golden ball which would earn us 150 points and end the game, bringing us high up in the ranking if Fitzpatrick managed to catch it. Depending on how many goals our chasers would make, we could even end up at number one already. <br/>Madam Hooch lifted the red quaffle out of the chest, looking around herself for a moment. </p><p>“I want to see a fair game! Go!” she threw the quaffle into the air, blowing her whistle at the same time, thus opening the game. </p><p>Septima and I flew to opposite sides of the field, though still not too far from each other to communicate. Gryffindor had managed to grab the quaffle first, and their chaser speeded towards the Slytherin rings, where Prashin was in position, defending the goals. </p><p>I looked around, spotting a bludger circling one of the high tribune towers. I stopped my broom, drifting to turn it around before speeding up again, towards the fast metal ball. I leaned down, almost hanging on my broom like a sloth, using my bat to hit the bludger towards the Gryffindor chaser. She shrieked when it hit her side, dropping the quaffle which was caught by Agnes. </p><p>Agnes pretended to throw it to the left to pass to Edgar, instead passing it to the right where Evangeline was waiting. In a zig-zag she moved through the Gryffindor players, scoring the first goal for Slytherin.</p><p>The Slytherins sitting on the tribunes cheered loudly, and Evangeline made a very graceful, celebratory manoeuvre with her broom, before the game continued. </p><p>Slytherin had the quaffle now, and Septima and I flanked Edgar to keep him safe from any possible bludger attacks. </p><p>“Like clockwork, every move of every player of the Slytherin team seems to go hand in hand with the other. Team captain Edgar Owen shows real talent for quidditch strategy and planning in this first game of the season!” the commentator noticed how well the team supported each other. </p><p>I had to grin, as I flung another bludger back at one of the Gryffindor beaters. Gryffindor would not stand a chance. </p><p>Both teams scored goals, but we managed to stay ahead. The game dragged on, and I had lost the feeling of time a bit, although it felt as if it was already midday. My arm was a bit tired, but I knew I could not give in now, I had to push through until the end. Our game strategy relied heavily on Septima and me, and once again the commentator had pointed out how many students and teachers thought of our playstyle as too brutal. <br/>Every time I spotted Lynch and Bagman, looking up to us through field glasses, I felt invigorated, knowing that I just had to keep going. </p><p>Septima and I had almost complete control over the bludgers, and it was very obvious that the Gryffindor team did not put such a focus on this aspect of the game as we did, despite James knowing that Slytherin was ‘beater heavy’. Mostly they only tried to defend their players, but even then, their beaters were much less coordinated than Septima and I. </p><p>The sun was wandering over the sky, and it must’ve been past noon, when I noticed James and Fitzpatrick turning their brooms and racing towards the other side of the pitch. They seemed to have seen the snitch, and with the scores standing at 120 to 90 for Slytherin, catching it would still decide the game. Killean had unfortunately only noticed the small golden ball after he had seen James turn his broom, flying a bit behind the Gryffindor seeker. I cursed under my breath.</p><p>Out of the corner of my eye I saw Ed gesturing at me, the gesture we had talked about, should it come to this. I nodded at him, before flying after them, leaning forward as far as I could to get the highest possible acceleration my comet was capable of. </p><p>“Septima!” I yelled, although I barely heard my own voice with the wind in my ears. Still, Septima seemed to have heard me, her eyes following my hand when I pointed at the seekers. </p><p>We had trained this very move, had talked about this a thousand times, if not more. The beater bible was right after all, it always had been. </p><p>Septima chased a bludger, hitting it towards me. It came a bit too low, so without really thinking about it I dropped from my broom, only holding onto it with one hand. <br/>“Sorry James!” I yelled, while using all my strength to hit the bludger towards Potter. </p><p>James looked over to me as I yelled, his eyes growing wide when he saw the bludger flying towards him. He ducked his head, to avoid the metal ball hitting him straight in the face, in the process slowing down his broom, just enough that Fitzpatrick could fly past him. Fitzpatrick’s hand grabbed the snitch, right in front of James’ nose. </p><p>A loud whistle echoed through the stadium and loud cheers started to fill the air. <br/>“After a very daring but brilliantly executed bludger by Alistair, the new, underdog seeker of the Slytherin team, Killean Fitzpatrick has caught the snitch! With 270 to 90 points, Slytherin wins, and has reached the top stop in this year’s league ranking!” the commentator said, and a broad grin appeared on my face. We had won! Blimey!</p><p>Cheering I raised my bat into the air, yelling out of sheer excitement, while I was still only holding onto my broom with one hand. Septima flew over to me, throwing her arms around me. She shouted something in Polish, which I did not understand, but it sounded enthusiastic, so I just hugged her back, trying not to lose grip of my broom. </p><p>We descended to the pitch, meeting the group hug of Fitzpatrick, Edgar, Agnes and Evangeline halfway, with Prashin flying in and dragging all of us down the rest of the way. As more or less a chaotic heap of green robes, we landed on the grass, and after some issues to disentangle our limbs, we raised a very surprised Fitzpatrick up onto our shoulders. </p><p>Beating Gryffindor with a brand-new seeker, I knew the party in the common room tonight would be as grand, as if we had already won the quidditch cup. </p><p>“Once again, a truly impressive match, Mr. Owen.” Slughorn had made his way to the pitch, a broad smile on his face. </p><p>“Thank you, Sir!” Edgar beamed, shaking the professor’s hand. Behind him were Bagman and Lynch, stepping forward now, also shaking Edgar’s hand, who looked as if he was about to cry. This kind of recognition, he must’ve been very overwhelmed. </p><p>“A good team, you have there, Horace! And two very promising talents.” Lynch nodded, looking first at Edgar, and then at me, as I was still carrying a cheering Fitzpatrick on my shoulders. “Knowing your strengths and using them, to make up for the things you lack in. Good strategy.” </p><p>Owen was grinning from one ear to the other, and I also could not contain my excitement anymore. I had to bite my lower lip, just to keep myself from just laughing. </p><p>“These two are the most talented players I’ve seen in our house team in years. Regulus Black, of course was one of them, the seeker that played last game, if you remember, Ludo.” Slughorn shot Bagman a look. “Sadly, he has left the team, to focus on his grades. A pity.” He shook his head. His expression betrayed him though, at least to me, and I could make out that he knew that this was not the truth. As I had expected. I swallowed. </p><p>“Such talents, of course, are rare. I heard you still have a year in front of you..” Lynch looked at Edgar, who nodded, before turning his gaze towards me. “.. but you, you are finished this summer, right?” </p><p>My eyes went big, and I could only nod, not really trusting my voice. <br/>“Well, then, I think we should stay in touch. I’ll contact you after your N.E.W.T.s, if you are interested to try out for our team.” He winked. “The wasps need some new blood.” </p><p>The way up to the castle was pure chaos, with the team and the other Slytherin students cheering and celebrating. Someone had pushed a bottle of cold butter beer into my hand, and I was just way too confused and overwhelmed to even question it. Edgar and I were singing (badly), not able to believe what had just happened to us. </p><p>James had shaken my hand with a “Good game, mate! Even if you almost killed me!” before returning to his own team. I was glad he was not angry with me, although I figured that our quidditch rivalry would probably only intensify now, especially after he must’ve seen us talking to Lynch and Bagman.</p><p>There was a late lunch ordered by Dumbledore, as the game had dragged on until the early afternoon, and I had seldom witnessed so much noise in the great hall, not since Hufflepuff had won the quidditch cup in my second year at Hogwarts. </p><p>I had not felt this good in.. months. The prospect of becoming a professional player was, for the first time in my life, a realistic option. Not only that but playing for my favourite team none the less. I could not quite believe it, and it had not yet fully reached my brain that I had kind of been invited for try-outs. </p><p>Remus gave me a thumbs up from across the great hall, only to be slightly hit in the shoulder by one of the Gryffindor chasers for congratulating the enemy team. <br/>I laughed and grinned, hoping that my eyes conveyed the kiss I wanted to press onto his lips so badly. </p><p>I quickly wrote a letter to my parents, running to the owlery before I knew I would be stuck in the common room for the rest of the afternoon, celebrating. I hoped they would be proud of me, despite us beating my dad’s old house. But being personally invited to try-outs, that at least should impress my dad. </p><p>We were first in the ranking now, and if we won our game against Hufflepuff, and Gryffindor would beat Ravenclaw, we would win this year’s cup! A reason to motivate James to catch the snitch in their next game, which was only a month away. </p><p>As I had expected, the whole Slytherin house celebrated as if we had already won the quidditch cup. There were snacks and butter beer, and someone had set up a gramophone to play some music. Edgar and I clicked our glasses to Lynch’s offer, and Septima had pulled me into the centre of the room, to swirl around to the music, with many other students. </p><p>I was shit at dancing, I had to admit, but it was fun just spinning around with Septima, who was as tall as I was, even if ten times lankier. Someone whistled, but we ignored it, laughing at me tripping over her feet more than a few times. If they thought we were a thing, I didn’t really care, and maybe it was even good, to keep our sexualities secret for the time being. </p><p>For one evening, I could just.. forget everything that went on outside of Hogwarts. Just be a teenager who was happy to have won an important game of quidditch, happy that I could maybe play for the Wasps, happy that life was good. </p><p>I saw Fitzpatrick snogging with some girl from his year, Prashin drinking way too much butter beer, and Evangeline dancing her heart out. Heather congratulated me and gave me a tight hug, whispering in my ear that she was happy, seeing me and Lupin together again. I even saw Regulus, watching everything unfold with a slight smile on his lips, and a butte beer in hand. Life was good, indeed. Even if just for one evening. </p><p>At around three in the morning Slughorn entered the common room to stop the celebrations with an apologising smile on his face, and I finally retired to the dorms, not without pressing a kiss onto Septima’s grinning lips, after we had agreed that the two of us would be a good cover. It was weird, but not too weird, and we both broke down giggling afterwards. Heather, who was in the same year as Septima, threw both of us a weird look, before she seemed to understand that this was a cover up. I hoped that this would not lead to her figuring out Septima’s secret. </p><p>The other ones in my dorm were already asleep, which did not surprise me, and I was careful not to make too much noise as I changed into my pyjamas, and crawled into my bed. </p><p>“Curious to see you, arm in arm with Potter.” A snarling voice drifted over to me, and I turned around, sitting up a bit. Snape was apparently still awake, staring at me from his bed. It was quite dark, and it was almost impossible to make out his features. </p><p>“I almost hit a bludger in his face.” I countered, raising an eyebrow. </p><p>“Today, but not the past weeks.” Snape did not give up, and I had to roll my eyes, although he would probably not see it in the darkness. </p><p>“It’s called friendship, Snape. Sorry if you’re not acquainted with that subject.” </p><p>I only heard him exhale, and it sounded quite angry. I cold shiver ran down my spine for a moment, remembering that everyone else in this dorm room was probably a death eater, including Snape over there, who at least sympathised with their agenda. No one would help me if the slimy bastard decided to hex me. </p><p>“Curious that you are friends now, after they played pranks on you for years. Does it have something to do with you and Lupin being practically glued to each other?” he continued nevertheless, and as happy as I was for him to not, in fact, hex me, colour drained for my face when he mentioned Remus. </p><p>“That is really none of your business.” I rolled my eyes again. Being witty had never been my strength, and I did not know what else to say now. I pulled the curtains of my bed closed with as much noise as I could make, hoping that that would end the conversation.</p><p>“We’ll see.” I only heard, but he did not say anything else. His words.. made me feel threatened for some reason, and I lay awake for a bit longer than I had wanted to before I finally fell asleep. </p><p>The next morning was terrible for most of our house. Everyone was incredibly tired, and only about half of Slytherin even showed up for breakfast. It was also very quiet at the table, and it seemed that even the few who had showed up to the great hall, were still half asleep. </p><p>The way up to the arithmancy classroom seemed ten times longer than usually, and when I sat down next to Remus, I just wanted to fall asleep against his shoulder. We had not had the chance to really talk yesterday, which was a pity. </p><p>“Celebrated a lot, I take it?” Remus asked amused, obviously seeing the dark rings underneath my eyes. I only nodded, pulling my books out of my schoolbag, to use them as a pillow. </p><p>Remus had to giggle, shaking his head. He was very pretty, I thought. <br/>“I actually wanted to ask you if you’d like to go to the lake this afternoon, but if you are so tired, maybe you should just go to sleep..” he teased, giggling again when my eyes went big.</p><p>“No.. I want to go to the lake with you..” I said in a small, soft voice, before yawning. Remus smiled affectionately, carefully stroking my leg under the table. </p><p>“You are adorable.” He grinned, and I was too tired to think of a witty remark to throw back. </p><p>It was very difficult to follow class this morning, and when the bell finally rang I pushed my glasses back up my nose, leaving the classroom with Remus. I resisted the urge to pull him to the side behind a pillar for a quick snog, and we joined up with the rest of the marauders on our way down to the dungeons. They were lucky to have a free morning on Monday, and I envied them for the amount of sleep they had probably gotten. Of course we talked about the match on our way down to the dungeons, and I was glad that none of them took offence to the fact that I had almost seriously injured James. </p><p>Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Snape’s eyes on me, and grew a bit uneasy, remembering his words from last night. I was not sure if I should talk with the Gryffindors about it, who also disliked Snape very much, but since they had not pranked him since the end of sixth year, I was not sure what was going on there. </p><p>My eyes burned slightly from the lack of sleep, and I knew if I would close them for too long, I would pass out. I had to admit that I spent most of potions class napping in the back, as Slughorn, who also seemed to be quite tired, only went through some theory and recapped potions we had already brewed this year. Knowing how long we had celebrated, he didn’t even seem to mind me sleeping with my head on the desk, probably also because I had an O in potions anyways. </p><p>DADA was unexciting, and I was happy for lunch, where I met the rest of the quidditch team, who all looked as exhausted as I felt. Not even Edgar could bring himself to discuss more strategy for the next game, and mostly just focused on his food. </p><p>Septima and I talked in low voices, for one keeping up the appearance that there was something going on between us, and two she told me about the date she and Julia had planned for the next Hogsmeade weekend. It was nice to have someone to talk about relationships to, and all of that stuff, who understood, who had similar experiences. She probably felt the same way, not having to be secretive for once in her life. She also mentioned that some of the girls from her year had given her some shit, being with me after Heather had tried to go out with me for so long, but Heather herself had defended Septima, which I was really thankful for. </p><p>Care for magical creatures was fun, and I found myself really enjoying the company of the marauders more than I expected. James and Sirius were incredibly funny, having a similar dynamic as Regulus and I used to have. Peter looked up to them a lot, always giggling at their jokes, but also aware of his surroundings a tad more than them, being the one who stopped them if he noticed the teachers getting too annoyed with the group. Remus was a bit of a grounding force to them, the voice of reason, while still being enough of a bastard to go with a lot of their silly pranks and plans.</p><p>I felt surprisingly comfortable in their company, especially considering how they, or at least Sirius had treated me in the past years. Of course, now I was not treated like just another marauder, but they did not try and push me out, or purposefully talk about things I could not participate in. If they ever started a topic I could not join in, one of them usually quickly explained what they were on about. </p><p>After ancient runes I made my way down to the lake, even more tired now after an hour of intensive translation, Miriam making sure I was not slacking. I quickly spotted Remus sitting at the shore of the lake, close to the water, exactly where he had gone to after care for magical creatures, as that had been his last class of the day. He was reading a book, lying on his back on top of his cloak, basking in the warm afternoon sun. </p><p>Despite the nice weather, there were only a few students around, some playing badminton in the grass, and some first years picking wildflowers and braining crowns out of them. <br/>I took off my own cloak, putting it down onto the grass beside Remus, before sitting down with a sigh. Remus put his book down and sat up, causing me to lean my head against his shoulder. </p><p>“You smell dusty.” He greeted me, his hand carefully stroking over mine. I had to chuckle, turning my head quickly to press a very short kiss onto his cheek. It was a bit daring, sure, but I could not hold back. </p><p>“I needed a very old book, which was hidden very well in professor Babbling’s personal library.” I sighed again. “Which is a very dusty place.”</p><p>Remus chuckled. I closed my eyes, tilting my head back to soak in the sun, which I had really missed these past few, cold months. Birds were singing and there was the faint sound of the giant squid splashing in the black lake. </p><p>“Lynch said he would contact me for try-outs, after the N.E.W.T.s.” I said, eyes still closed. </p><p>“That is great, Lee!” Remus sounded excited. “I hope it works out, you’d be a great quidditch star!” </p><p>“You don’t even follow quidditch.” I opened one eye, looking over at him. There was a grin on his face, as he shrugged. </p><p>“I might start, if you play.” </p><p>“Then mentally prepare to go to a lot of games. If I make it into the team, I will make you watch every single match.” I giggled. Then I remembered something. “Also.. just so you know, Septima and I made a deal to kind of.. pretend that we are into each other? Dating?” I swallowed. </p><p>Remus frowned. To my relief he did not look jealous, only confused.<br/>“Why?”</p><p>“Well, she has a girlfriend, I have a boyfriend, neither of us want to come out, so it would be a good cover?” I shrugged. To be frank, when we had decided that, both of us had maybe been a bit tipsy and high on adrenaline from the match, and had not completely thought it through. </p><p>“Oh..” Remus eyes went a bit big. </p><p>Oh. Oh, indeed. I had completely forgotten that I had never told Remus this little fact. Shite. <br/>“Septima is into girls.” I clarified. </p><p>“I figured that.” He laughed a bit awkwardly. “Ok then, now I understand.” </p><p>“I hope that is not a problem for you.” I looked over at him, chewing my lower lip, a bit worried now. But Remus smiled, shaking his head.</p><p>“No, not at all. I just.. I just wish it wouldn’t be necessary.” He swallowed.</p><p>I pursed my lips. <br/>“I hate hiding. I don’t want to hide, but I am also..” I paused. I knew that we should have this talk, and that it was important to have this talk. </p><p>Homosexuality had only been legalised in the muggle world within my lifetime in England and Wales, and was still officially illegal in Scotland and Northern Ireland. And still then, it was only in private with the age of consent being 21. In cases like this, the ministry of magic usually followed the decisions of the muggle world, and with the dark lord and the death eaters rising, with their racist and more than conservative, hateful views, I was scared. The sting in my heart was back. </p><p>“I’m scared.” I finally said. Remus mustered me, understandingly. “I want to just be with you, kiss you without worry, introduce you to my family. But I don’t want to.. I don’t know, go to Azkaban because Northern Ireland has still not changed their laws.” </p><p>“I know, I..” Remus sighed. “I don’t want you to feel pressured to do anything you don’t want to.” He swallowed. “I just.. I’m sick of constantly having to hide. Everything.” </p><p>“I’m sorry..” I just said, not knowing what else to say. Of course, as a werewolf he was used to hiding what he was, and now I was here, making it even worse. With a girlfriend, he would not have this problem, and Remus was bi. Unlike me, he had the option to be in a socially acceptable relationship. <br/>I kind of felt bad, thinking that. He did not choose who he fell in love with, just as I. And he had fallen in love with a boy, just as I. </p><p>“Don’t be.. maybe in the future, who knows, things will be better.” </p><p>I furrowed my eyebrows. <br/>“Never took you for an optimist, Remus.” I raised a corner of my mouth to a smirk. </p><p>“Thinking of being with you, maybe I want to be optimistic.” He grinned, and I felt myself blushing, having to look away. </p><p>There was a patch of silence between us, although Remus fingers still slowly moved over my hand. I had a smile on my face, my eyes closed again. </p><p>“Lee?” Remus suddenly asked in a weak voice, causing me to open my eyes once more to look over to him. </p><p>“Hm?” I asked, a bit worried, considering the turn our conversation had just taken. </p><p>“I.. I read them all.” He said, chewing his lower lip, his eyes fixed on the lake in front of us. I raised my eyebrow, not sure what he meant. </p><p>“What?” I asked confused. </p><p>“Your letters.. all thirty-three of them.” He swallowed. I had to laugh. </p><p>“Was it that many? Merlin..” I shook my head, slightly embarrassed about myself. “I.. I’m sorry. It was a way to cope with the rejection and the stuff with Regulus, I..” I sighed. “You read them all, really?” I added, a bit more silently. </p><p>“Every single one.” Remus blushed. “I still have them too. Even the ones just saying ‘sorry’.” </p><p>I nudged him with my shoulder, causing him to look back at me.<br/>“Burn them. No one needs to find out I’m such a sob.” I joked. </p><p>Remus grinned, shaking his head. <br/>“No, I will keep them. To remind myself to not be such an arse again.” </p><p>I really, really wanted to kiss Remus right now, and it pained me not to be able to do it. So, I just told him. <br/>Remus blushed heavily, scratching the back of his neck. </p><p>“I really want to kiss you too.. also..” he sighed, and I tilted my head.</p><p>“Yes?” I prompted, as he still kept silent. </p><p>“Maybe.. I was thinking.. I.. that we..” he stumbled over his words, before taking a deep breath. “I’ve been thinking a lot about the Yule ball.. and.. what we did that night..” he blushed even more. </p><p>“And you.. want to do it again?” I asked carefully, my heart pounding in my chest. </p><p>Remus nodded quickly, his face now the same shade as his tie. I had to grin, unable to supress the glee in my face. </p><p>“Well, if we manage to find a place with enough privacy..” I left it open. Being in different houses did pose a problem here, and I thought that the small secret passage we had found ourselves in last time, and which we still used for making out, would not be private enough for.. different things now, as it had been during the Yule ball. </p><p>Remus nodded again, seemingly deep in thought. </p><p>We sat at the lake until it was time for dinner, and only parted ways when we had reached the great hall. I noticed once again Snape's eyes on me, and an uncomfortable shiver ran down my spine. </p><p>On Tuesday after lunch I met up with James over at the quidditch pitch, finally having taken him up on his offer to talk about.. the last full moon. I was quite nervous, if I was honest, as I did not really know what to say. I had taken the dreamless potion every night since Remus and I brewed first it, and I knew that it was not something sustainable. Although, I had gotten quite good at it, so I knew should that potion be part of my N.E.W.T.s, I would ace them. </p><p>There were no regular training sessions on Tuesday, and James and I took a seat on the tribunes, overlooking the stadium. James had brought a thermos with tea, and a small box of biscuits, so I figured he did not intend for this to be a short conversation. I chewed the inside of my cheek, unsure how to start.</p><p>“Moony told me about the potion, and that you see the wolf sometimes when you close your eyes.. is that still the case?” James asked after I had not said anything for a few minutes, handing me a mug with tea. Slowly I shook my head, but also shrugged. </p><p>“It is.. better. It almost went away after the first week, but sometimes it is still.. there.” I swallowed. “But I also try not to think about it. If it comes to mind, I try to just push it away.” </p><p>“I don’t know if that is healthy, mate.” James leaned forward a bit, biting into a biscuit. “Do you connect Remus and the wolf?”</p><p>I thought about it, shrugging again.<br/>“I’m not sure.. Like I know he is the wolf, and the wolf is he, but.. it feels sort of disconnected? If that makes sense.” I admitted.</p><p>“Are you afraid of Remus?” I had to look over to James, to see that his face was dead serious. </p><p>“No, not at all. It is just Remus..” I paused. “I was afraid of being afraid, though. If that makes sense.” </p><p>“It does make sense.” The Gryffindor nodded. “Sirius, Peter and I found out about his furry problem in our first year. Of course, we share a dorm, we noticed when one of the only four boys in our year is constantly missing for a day or two, every month, every time with a different, hard to believe excuse.” He started, and I listened with interest, although I still had to raise an eyebrow, when James referred to Remus’ lycanthropy as his ‘furry problem’. </p><p>“We talked among ourselves first, we were all raised in magic households, we all knew about the horror stories told about werewolves. Peter was terrified at first, we all were, in a way. Even if Moony was a child, as a wolf he was still a fully grown monster. But then, on the other hand, at that point we all knew that this was the boy who threw spiders out of the window instead of crushing them, the boy who spent hours trying to help Worms with his charms, the boy who just hugged Pads whenever he got another howler from his mum, the boy who was with us when we ran around, exploring the castle. It was just Remus.” There was a smile on his face, as if he remembered these early days of their friendship. Better times, with less worries. </p><p>“We confronted him one night in the dorms, and he of course had exactly the same reaction he had with you. He was scared, he hid from us, he didn’t talk to us, but we didn’t give up. We did our best to make him understand that we were still his friends, that he was still our Remus. And in secret, at the end of our first year, we tried to find a way to be with him, not only after the full moon in the hospital wing to give him chocolate and company, but more.” </p><p>“You became animagi? That early?” I asked, and James nodded. </p><p>“We were in our third year, when we finally managed it. Peter needed a lot of help, it is not an easy process. And you have to keep a leaf inside of your mouth for a month, that is super disgusting after a while. But we managed it and we had found out where Remus was during the full moon. Peter, as a rat, followed him and madam Pomfrey, and we found out how to get there.” </p><p>I did not dare to ask where that was, and just continued to listen to him. To understand Remus, and to understand his friendship, this was important, I thought. </p><p>“The.. the first transformation.. not going to lie, it was difficult to watch. At first Moony wanted us to leave, wanted to throw us out, scared that he would hurt us, but when we changed into animals he.. he was still not completely ok with it, but he knew that the wolf was no danger to them. Even though, in retrospective, we did not know if the same was true for animagi, as we are technically not really animals.” James sighed, as if he was shocked by their own bravery. They were thirteen at the time. </p><p>Thinking of it, at the same time, I had just made it to the quidditch team, and had nothing else on my mind than being a quidditch player. </p><p>“It was very violent, and we unfortunately found out where all his scares come from, I think. We were with him that night, keeping him company, and at first the wolf was irritated, still scratched and bit himself, as there were no humans around to attack. But then he calmed down, and it was.. almost fun in a way. Moony is.. mildly aware of his moods, I think. But that is the extend of it, really. After that first night, though.. how can I put it..” James shifted in his seat, putting his feet up onto the seat in front of him.</p><p>“Let’s just say that seeing one of your best friends rip his own skin off, while he grows fur, and his bones break, and he screams, and the screams turn into howls.. that kind of leaves an impression.” He finally said, and I had to swallow hard, not even wanting to imagine that, hoping that I would never have to see that with my own eyes, regardless of how much I felt for Remus.  </p><p>There was a sting in my heart, and I had the urge to find Remus and hug him, not able to even start to imagine how much pain such a transformation put him through. No wonder he was so skinny, no wonder he had already some white streaks in his hair with only 18. </p><p>“Still, we all knew that this was our Remus, our Moony, and we worked through it. It is important to talk about it, even if it is not pretty. And it is also important that you talk about that with him, and not just ignore it, as long as it does not come up. The next full moon will come in less than two weeks, and I am sure he would love your support during that time.” </p><p>I pressed my lips together, looking back at the pitch before ruffling my hair.<br/>“I want to be there for him, and I want him to know that he can talk about it with me, but.. I am just scared that he will run away again. I don’t want to scare him off by asking question or something.” I groaned. </p><p>“He won’t run away, trust me, I won’t let him.” James put a hand on my shoulder. “Not when he looks so happy. You should really talk about it, work through it. And then, maybe you can try to stop using that potion.”</p><p>I looked back at him.<br/>“I’m scared of dreaming of it again.”</p><p>“I know a bit about potions, mate. My dad is a potioneer and comes from a long line of potion masters. And I know, taking this stuff for too long will result in some problems and side effects. You have to stop at some point.” </p><p>I knew he was right, and I dropped my head, resting my elbows on my knees. I stared down at my worn-out shoes, chewing my lower lip. I had to talk about my fears with Remus, and really deal with them, instead of pushing them away, and keeping myself from dreaming badly by taking some homebrewed potion.<br/>It was hard, and I was afraid that Remus would blame himself for how I was feeling, his facial expression when I had told him about my dreams was still in my mind. </p><p>James and I stayed on the tribunes for another hour or so, drinking the tea and eating the biscuits he had brought, talking about how I should approach the subject with Remus, and how James had dealt with his fears of the wolf.</p><p>It was good to get his perspective, although I was not sure if I could do it the same way. I was not as brave as James, and also, he had become an animagus, running with the werewolf over the grounds as friends. I did not have the intention to become an animagus myself, and my position was therefore always being the prey of a monster.</p><p>I had a lot to think about.</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. The Prefect’s Bathroom.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I actually wanted to finish this chapter ages ago, but for some reason i had to continue and write the ending, instead of it. Well, it is done now!</p><p>this is just fluff and smut, nothing else. have fun :D</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>On Wednesday, Remus and I both managed to have a short and slightly rushed lunch, only to meet in a hidden corner of the castle to snog for the rest of our lunchbreak, before we both had to go to Muggle studies. It was very, very nice to kiss Remus, and I especially loved how he seemed to melt into my arms. I was addicted to his lips, and every moment I could not kiss him felt like time wasted. </p><p>“I was thinking..” Remus whispered between our kisses, his welsh accent strangely thick as he started to nibble at my jaw. It had to close my eyes at the sensation, and it took everything in me to keep my arousal at bay. </p><p>“Aye?” was everything I could bring out, leaning back against the pillar we were hiding behind, to have at least some support. Remus lips were so soft against my skin..</p><p>“Are you free? Friday evening?” his lips travelled down my neck, and I had to supress a sigh as goosebumps formed all over my body. </p><p>“I think so..” I said without thinking, my arms wrapped around Remus’ waist. If I had anything planned, I would cancel it for whatever the boy in front of me had planned. </p><p>“Tidy..” Remus lips were on mine again not even a second later. He didn’t say anything else, didn’t explain what he would like to do, and just continued to kiss me. We were startled by the bell, announcing the end of the lunch break, causing us to hurry out of our hiding spot and towards the classroom for Muggle studies. </p><p>After class we met up with Miriam and Septima to study, and just as I had told Remus, Septima and I at least tried to pretend to have a thing.. to be dating. <br/>It was.. kind of awkward, and for someone in the know it was obvious that it was not real. Miriam seemed to be convinced though, and whispered to me how happy she was that I finally found a girlfriend. As she was one of the smartest people I knew, I figured that it was good enough, and that one could explain the awkwardness with me having no experience with girls whatsoever. </p><p>Remus gladly didn’t seem to mind, and looked rather amused when Septima cringed after I called her ‘darling’, which was maybe a bit over the top. </p><p>We managed to get through most of our homework, although I got stuck, as usually in my essay for muggle studies, as I could not for the life of me figure out what microcomputers were and what the very recent ‘1977 Trinity’ actually was. N.E.W.T.s level muggle studies was truly something else, and as our teacher was both muggle-born, and married to a muggle, she was always really up to date with the newest innovations of the muggle world. This was both a reason why I loved Muggle studies, and still took it in my last year, and why I found it so incredibly difficult. </p><p>Finally, the lot of us headed to the great hall for dinner, and Remus only whispered into my ear to meet him on Friday evening at nine o’clock on the fifth floor, at the statue of Boris the Bewildered, before leaving for the Gryffindor table. </p><p>Septima and I made a bit of a show of walking into the hall holding hands, sitting down with Edgar and Prashin somewhere in the middle of the table, who grinned broadly when they saw us together. </p><p>“I hope this won’t negatively affect quidditch this season? No snogging during practice! And Merlin help you if you break up and ruin our chances to the cup!” Edgar promptly said as soon as we sat down, as if he had rehearsed it beforehand. </p><p>“No worries, mate. We’re even more of a dream-team than before!” Septima smiled, and I kissed the back of her hand just to show how ‘madly in love’ we were. </p><p>“Not going to lie, you two together are intimidating.” Prash smirked, but then giggled. </p><p>To my relive, I noticed that Snape was looking over to us. I was not sure why, but Snape’s constant glares and his weird behaviour and especially his questions after the game made me.. very uneasy. Especially how he had empathised how much time Remus and I spent with each other. He had a habit of sneaking after people and being nosy (which was probably unavoidable considering the sheer size of his nose) so hopefully making him believe that I had a girlfriend, and that Remus and I were really just good friends would keep him off finding out what was really going on between us. </p><p>Thursday was truly uneventful, other than a Hufflepuff blowing up his cauldron in Alchemy class, though I really had no idea how he had managed to do that. Friday went by far too slowly, and was only improved by my second class of the day, which was arithmancy, where I was sitting next to Remus, as usually. He didn’t answer my questions what we would do this evening, just telling me to be patient and see and wait, as it was a surprise. <br/>I felt a bit giddy thinking about it, as we would only meet an hour before curfew. I was slightly suspicious on what he had planned, he was still part of the group of the greatest pranksters Hogwarts had probably ever seen, but I decided to just go with it. </p><p>After dinner I returned to the dorms, standing a bit helplessly in front of my trunk. I didn’t want to meet up with Remus in my school uniform, as if we would be just studying together or hanging out as friends, so I decided to change. Though I would have loved to wear something red, or green, which usually looked quite good on me, I thought that maybe something colourful was not a good idea, considering the close curfew, and the fact that I may needed to hide from prefects or teachers. </p><p>It took me longer than I would’ve liked to admit, but I finally decided for a simple black flannel shirt, which I had gotten from my uncle for Christmas, and which was not looking all too worn, with black jeans and a black cloak. I hoped I did not look like the posh Slytherin gits who usually rocked all black, but it was the best outfit to hide in the shadows should it come to it. I checked myself in the mirror, thinking that I looked more like Regulus than myself, and that too much black made me look really, really pale. But alas, it had to work. </p><p>It was shortly before nine, when I left the dorms and headed out of the common room. Snape eyed me suspiciously as I left, and it left an uncomfortable feeling in my chest. </p><p>I tried to shake it off, as I climbed the great stairs up to the fifth floor, only meeting a few students on their way to their respective common rooms, and a few ghosts who floated about. I arrived at the statue of Boris the Bewildered, who stared at his gloves in confusion, which he was wearing the wrong way round, waiting for Remus to arrive. </p><p>Apart from the statue and a few tapestries on the walls, the corridor was empty. Doors lead into, what I assumed were unused classrooms, and I kind of wondered what Remus and I would do tonight. And also why Hogwarts had so many spare classrooms, which were not really used by anyone, not even by students studying. </p><p>I had never really read A History of Hogwarts cover to cover, and maybe there used to be many more students, or a lot more different subjects, that required so many classrooms. Something to look into, I thought.</p><p>“You’re early.” I heard a voice behind me, pulling me out of my contemplations. I turned around with a broad smile, spotting Remus walking towards me. He had also ditched his uniform, dressed in a beige shirt and an olive-green woollen vest, and I kind of felt self-conscious now, looking like the reaper man. </p><p>“Couldn’t wait to see you.” I said honestly, closing the distance between us and pressing a kiss onto Remus lips. He grinned, his hand finding mine. He looked pretty, only illuminated by the torches in the hallway, the warm orange light reflecting in his golden eyes. The scars running through his face didn’t even bother me, they only made his face more interesting for me to look at. </p><p>I kissed him again, my hand that was not holding his cupping his face. I was such a mess. My heart pounded and my brain turned itself off, as always when I was kissing Remus. </p><p>Finally, he pushed me off, shaking his head with a smile. </p><p>“Where are we going?” I asked, my brain slowly working again. This corridor, as I had observed earlier, was not a.. good date location. And, thinking about it, a dusty old classroom neither. </p><p>“You’ll see.” Remus grinned, pulling me along towards the fifth door to the left from the statue. “Bivalvia.” He said, and the door in front of us opened. Remus pulled me inside, closing the door behind us again.</p><p>I.. I was shocked. I had expected a classroom or a broom closet, or something along those lines, but the room we found ourselves in was definitely not that. In front of me was a huge bathroom, completely made out of white and black marble. There was a giant, almost pool-like bathtub at the end of it, surrounded by dozens, if not hundreds of golden tabs, each decorated with colourful jewels. Behind it was a large, stained glass window, in the centre the image of a mermaid, idly combing her hair. <br/>There were showers to the left and toilets to the right, and in front of the bath were heaps of fluffy white towels and a few large, cushioned benches. </p><p>“Boys a dear..” came out of my mouth, as I was unable to form any coherent sentence right now. </p><p>“What?” Remus asked, giggling at my shocked expression. I blinked a few times, not sure how to explain the expression to the welsh boy. </p><p>“Where are we?” I asked instead, still gobsmacked, turning around to let my eyes drift through the room. Remus grinned.</p><p>“The prefect’s bathroom.” He took my hand again. “Only reserved for prefects, head-students and quidditch captains. James gave me the current password.” </p><p>Surprised I looked through the room once more.<br/>“And Edgar never said anything! Tosser!” I shook my head. “This is amazing.”</p><p>“I hoped you’d like it..” Remus squeezed my hand a bit. He closed the space between us, kissing my lips lightly. He seemed a bit tense. </p><p>“And why did you bring me here? Not to show me the nice tiles, I presume?” I teased him, and Remus blushed heavily. </p><p>“Well, you said if we find a place with enough privacy..” he left the sentence open, his cheeks now crimson red. I had to grin, before pulling him into another, deeper kiss. </p><p>Remus’ shoulders relaxed a bit, and his hands were on my chest. Even if I managed to play it cool, I was able to hear my heartbeat in my ears. I had wanted a chance like this for months, a chance to be close to Remus again, to have enough privacy to do things, things that were not possible when sneaking around and hiding in secluded corners. </p><p>Remus pulled away, looking up at me with a soft smile, biting his lower lip. I must’ve looked lovestruck, as his cheeks blushed a bit before he turned and moved over to the tub, turning some of the tabs on. Colourful water started to fill the pool-like bath, a lot quicker than I would have expected, considering the sheer size of the tub. Pleasant smells filled the room, and the air warmed up from the steamy water. My heart fluttered. </p><p>Now fully realising what was about to happen now, I became both nervous and excited, my hands fidgeting with the hem of my flannel shirt. Remus started to open the buttons of his vest, and I exhaled slowly, as I watched him, it dawning to me that I would see Remus naked for the very first time. I had only had a small glimpse of his body at the Yule ball, faintly illuminated by a single candle, the memory hazy from being tipsy.  </p><p>Remus looked a bit nervous, chewing his lower lip.<br/>“I..” he started, swallowing. “I am very scarred.” He stated matter-of-factly and I tilted my head with a pitiful expression on my face. </p><p>“And I don’t care.” I simply said, making two steps towards Remus, taking his hands off his vest. The boy looked up to me, but before he could say anything my lips were on his, pulling him towards me. I kissed him as if my life depended on it, to show him that I really didn’t care at all. Remus grabbed the front of my robes, holding onto me as if I was the only thing keeping him upright. </p><p>Slowly I lowered my hands, continuing where I had just stopped him, unbuttoning his vest. I wanted to undress him, to free his skin, and kiss every single inch of it, scars or no. </p><p>The sexual experiences I had thus far had been quick, for pleasure, somewhat detached from the other person. Casper and I had not been in love, there had not been any feelings involved other than curiosity, exploration and teenage horniness. </p><p>This though, this was completely different. I wanted to make every second count, wanted to make it slow and romantic and personal. I wanted to make it special, both for me and for Remus. </p><p>Remus sighed into my mouth, and pushed my cloak off my shoulders, before his nimble fingers started to unbutton my shirt impatiently. <br/>He shrugged out of his vest, and his hands quickly found my chest, feeling cool against my heated skin. We undressed each other, and though I noticed that Remus was a bit impatient, I tried my best to take my time, to caress every piece of freed skin with my hands. </p><p>Our clothes lay scattered around us on the ground, and my lips were slightly swollen from kissing. The bathtub was now full, and my head felt as if it was spinning. </p><p>I pulled back, breaking the kiss, unable to keep my eyes from wandering over Remus’ body, now for the first time seeing all the scars that I had only felt at the night of the yule ball. <br/>They covered almost his whole body, some thin, some thick, some from claws, and some probably from his teeth, caught in a weird mix of a human jaw and that of an animal. On his right upper arm was a thick, pink one, that looked old and fresh at the same time, as if it could never completely heal. I didn’t even have to ask to know that this was where he had been bitten as a child, as even as it was stretched out from his growth, one could clearly see the shape of a bitemark. </p><p>Remus was quite skinny, as his ribs and hipbone were quite prominent, but not enough to worry me. I was.. not shocked, as I had expected as much, but it still pained me to see what Remus had gone through. His cheeks were red, and I noticed how self-conscious he looked again. I started to kiss along his jaw, neck and shoulder, my hands carefully roaming over his heated skin, to show him that I didn’t care. </p><p>“You’re handsome..” I murmured into his ear and felt him shiver against me. </p><p>“And you’re hot.” Remus said breathlessly, his hands running up my stomach and chest, and down my shoulders and arms. </p><p>I had to grin, hearing him say that, my heart pounding rapidly and my blood already shooting down to my nether regions. I pulled Remus towards me to kiss him again, and gasped into the kiss as my hard member rubbed against his stomach. Remus shivered again, feeling how the kiss, how he affected me. I hoped that was enough to make him stop doubt himself. </p><p>Remus stepped back, taking my hand, a soft smile on his red lips. His cheeks were flushed red, and my breath hitched in my throat, as his eyes wandered over my exposed body. He bit his lower lip, his mesmerizing golden eyes finding mine again, as he stepped back a bit more, and into the bathtub behind him. I followed him without thinking, into the warm, pleasantly smelling water, colourful foam all around us. </p><p>I was reminded of our first kiss, which had already felt like a fairy tale to me. And now, this, being in this incredible bath with him, with foam of all colours, all different smells around us, the warm light of a candle chandelier illuminating us, crystals attached to it reflecting the light and projecting small rainbows onto the walls. The only sound was the water running, and I felt as if I had just entered the feywild, and Remus was Oberon, seducing me. </p><p>“Is this a midsummer night’s dream?” I asked, wrapping my arms around Remus’ waist, pulling him close to me. The boy laughed, tilting his head at me.</p><p>“You read Shakespeare?” he sounded a bit surprised. </p><p>But I didn’t answer him, only kissing him again, my arms pulling him close against my body. Remus gasped into my mouth as our skin met beneath the water, and I felt his erection against my hip, making my head spin. </p><p>Remus shifted in my arms, and oh.. oh Merlin. <br/>He slowly grinded against me, and I could only moan into his mouth, his arms around my neck and his legs now wrapping themselves around my hip. One of my hands moved into his hair, into his soft curls, deepening our kiss even more. </p><p>I was completely overwhelmed, my brain just shutting down. There was only Remus now, Remus in my arms, his taste on my tongue, and his body against mine. I was lost in the feeling, everything else unimportant. We moved against each other, slowly but intensely, the friction driving me insane. I moaned into the kiss again, my breath growing faster. </p><p>Remus’ hand moved over my chest, his thumb stroking over my nipple, making me shiver. I pushed him away, my eyes pressed close, exhaling slowly before looking at him with red cheeks. </p><p>“I.. I don’t want it to be over yet.” I explained a bit embarrassed to his confused face, and Remus had to laugh. </p><p>“We have the whole night..” he grinned, biting his lips and grabbing my hand. He pulled me through the bath, towards the stained-glass windows. </p><p>We arrived right underneath the mermaid, and Remus pushed me against the edge of the tub. <br/>“Sit up there.” He simply said.</p><p>The expression on his face made me unable to not do what he told me, and so I pulled myself up the ledge, leaning my back against the windows behind me, feeling slightly exposed sitting there, with my erection right on display in front of him. <br/>Remus watched me, his eyes set on my arms at first, as I had lifted myself out of the water, before wandering over the rest of my body. I had to admit, I was aware how my arms and shoulders must’ve looked right now, and it eased the embarrassment of sitting so openly a bit. </p><p>Before I could even ask why he had me sit up here, Remus swam up right between my legs, his hands on my tights on either side of him. He looked nervous, and frankly, so was I, as it dawned on me what he wanted to do now. </p><p>“Remus, I.. oh.. oh my gods.. all the gods..” I threw my head back against the window, a loud moan escaping my lips, when Remus had lifted himself out of the water a bit, his lips finding my erection and wrapping themselves around it. <br/>One of my hands gripped the edge of the tub to brace myself, the other one almost automatically moved into Remus’ hair, not pushing, just holding onto something.</p><p>It was obvious that he had never done this before, but I supposed his friends had probably talked about it with him around, as he seemed to mildly know what he was doing. But it didn’t matter, really, because this was Remus. These were his soft lips around my cock, his tongue against my sensitive skin, his hand now finding the base and starting to stroke me in tandem with his mouth. Bloody hell. </p><p>I cursed in Gaelic, something that almost never happened, when I looked down, seeing Remus down there with red cheeks, slightly wet hair and closed eyes. He was so bloody pretty like that. </p><p>I moaned loudly, my breath fast, trying to push Remus away, as I was just about to come. But he didn’t seem to care, swatting my hand away and even moving faster, driving me closer and closer to the edge, until I finally could not hold back anymore. </p><p>“Remus!” was everything I could bring out when I came, my toes curling and my knuckles turning white, as I held onto the edge of the tub for dear life. My eyes fluttered shut, but I tried to keep them open, looking down at Remus who grinned back at me, his breath heavy and his cheeks crimson red. </p><p>“Feck..” I breathed, sliding into the water again and kissing Remus deeply, not caring about what was probably my own taste on his tongue. “You are magical.” I brought out in between two kisses. </p><p>Remus grinned against my lips, before pushing me a bit away, and diving below the surface of the bath, disappearing behind the thick foam like a mermaid. I shook my head, diving after him, my hands stretched out to find him. But with a bathtub as large as a pool, this was certainly easier than done, and I resurfaced again without finding him. </p><p>Foam stuck to my glasses, and I cursed under my breath, taking them off and washing them off in the water. I felt hands around my legs, moving up my back and wrapping around my chest, when Remus came up behind me, putting his head onto my shoulder. </p><p>“There’s my siren.” I joked, putting my glasses back on and turning my head. Remus grinned, his hair slicked back. </p><p>“I love to swim.” He said happily. </p><p>“And I love kissing you.” I turned around, pressing my lips against his once more. Remus bit my lower lip, deepening the kiss for a moment, before breaking away, looking into my eyes. </p><p>He was blushing again, his breath slightly shaking. I was a bit concerned, tilting my head.<br/>“I..” he started and swallowed. “I want to do.. more.” He finally brought out. </p><p>A shiver ran through my body, ending right between my legs, even though I had not yet recovered from my orgasm. </p><p>“We have time, Remus.. we don’t need to hurry..” I said slowly, my hand stroking over Remus jawline. As much as I also wanted this, it was more important for Remus to be comfortable. He nodded, biting his lip.</p><p>“But.. I want to.” His voice was silent but firm. “I want to go all the way. I want you. I want to feel you.” He added. </p><p>“You’re driving me insane..” I had to laugh, my face flushing. “Give me a minute.” I ran a hand over my face and through my hair, my cheeks prickling. </p><p>Remus sure was full of surprises. On one hand there was the shy, nerdy boy, who read in the library and who blushed when we kissed. And then there was his other side, where he thought up the most daring pranks, found the craziest spells, and just.. straight up said that he wanted me, or give me the first blowjob of my life, without much hesitation.</p><p>“I.. I never asked..” Remus started carefully, his hands slowly wandering over my shoulders and collarbones, and all my attention was back on him. “Have you.. have you ever..?” he stopped, his eyes looking into mine with a curious expression. </p><p>I blushed and exhaled slowly, not sure how to explain the thing Casper and I had had. <br/>“Well..” I started and swallowed. For some reason it had been easier telling Regulus these things. “Kind of. Not all the way, though. There was..” I coughed. Why was this so hard? “Well, the farthest was.. fingering..” I finally brought out. “But.. but then I came, and it didn’t go much further than that.” </p><p>My face felt as if it was red from the neck up to the tip of my ears. I looked up at the mermaid, unable to look Remus in the face. I was not sure why I was so embarrassed at this. I knew I should not be embarrassed about these things, especially not with the person who had just blown me. </p><p>“Other than that it was just.. hands.. and.. me doing the things..” I still looked at the mermaid. “You?” I quickly asked, my voice a tad too high. </p><p>“No..” Remus sounded a bit amused. “Everything I know is basically just gathered from James’ and Sirius’ locker room talk. Which was also painfully heterosexual.” He giggled. </p><p>I looked at him and the grin on his face made me relax a bit.<br/>“Horrible.” I winked. I was kind of glad that I had never had the pleasure to hear something like that from the boys in my dorm. </p><p>“Only horrible because it was them, but quite interesting, really.” He wiggled his eyebrows. “Who was it?” Remus then suddenly asked, but I was glad that his face was still only curious, and there was no hint of jealousy in his features. </p><p>“My old beater colleague.” I sighed. Remus seemed to be thinking about it, placing a name and a face to the reference. </p><p>“Were you together?” Remus tilted his head to the side. I shook my head.  </p><p>“No, it was just.. I don’t know.” I shrugged, scratching the back of my head. “Messing around in the showers after quidditch.” I licked my lips. “I like this better. Here, with you.” I then added, looking into his eyes. Remus smiled. </p><p>We splashed around in the water for a bit longer, kissing and hugging and talking in low voices, until most of the foam had gone. The room was still very warm when we got out of the water to dry off, and Remus pulled me onto one of the cushioned benches, which was big enough for him to lie down on it. </p><p>I was promptly over him, right between his legs, kissing him deeply, and with all the emotion and affection I could pour into it. I was painfully hard again, my hands roaming over his skin, tracing his scars, while his were buried in my damp curls. <br/>My brain had turned itself off once more, and it was truly incredible what effect this boy had on me. He could ask anything from me, and I would give it to him without hesitation. </p><p>Still, his next words threw me overboard, and were so unexpected to come out of his mouth, that I had to contain myself to not just come undone. <br/>“Lee, please, fuck me..” Remus spoke against my skin, as we were grinding together, and I moaned just due to his words.</p><p>Never had I anticipated him using this kind of language, saying these words so directly. Remus was just full of surprises. I kissed him again, my tongue ravishing his mouth. We broke apart, both panting and I placed open mouthed kisses along his neck and jaw. </p><p>“We need.. something.. oil or something.” I managed to bring out. That much I knew from what Casper and I had done.  </p><p>“In my pocket.” Remus answered, his cheeks flushing even more. I blinked at him, before turning my head to where our clothes were scattered about. </p><p>It dawned on me that he had planned this and had come prepared. He apparently knew very well what effect he had on me. </p><p>“Ok..” I just brought out, kissing Remus one last time, before getting up and moving over where our things were. Remus propped himself up onto his elbows, watching me as I searched through his trousers, finally finding a small vial in his back pocket. I had to grin, looking back at Remus whose face was a beautiful Gryffindor read.</p><p>“You really are an optimist, when it comes to me.” I laughed, and the other boy bit his lower lip. </p><p>“And you are really attractive.” He said, a cheeky grin appearing on his face. “And I was hopeful.” He looked far too good like this, and I had to shake my head. I was over him again but a moment later, pressing a soft kiss onto his lips. </p><p>“Whatever you want..” I murmured. “I will do.” </p><p>His lips found mine and we shared another deep kiss, Remus’ hands on my chest stroking over my heated skin. </p><p>“What.. what should I do?” he asked, breaking the kiss, his breath heavy. His confidence from moments ago had dimmed a bit, and he looked shy again. I swallowed. </p><p>My heart was pounding in my chest, and I grew very nervous. I had been nervous back then, when it had been Casper who had pulled out some vial with some kind of oil, pressing me against the tiled wall of the shower, pushing his fingers into me. So nervous, in fact, that I had lasted not more than two, or at most three minutes. </p><p>I did not want to hurt Remus, and I also did not really know what I was doing. I was scared of doing something wrong.</p><p>“Liam?” Remus pulled me out of my thoughts, and I exhaled slowly, nodding.</p><p>“I.. turn around.” I swallowed, pressing one last kiss onto his lips, before he moved to lie on his stomach. I noticed his hands were shaking lightly. “We.. we don’t have to do it, we have time.. or if you want to.. I could..” I said, stroking over his back, leaving the sentence open. Remus shook his head.</p><p>“I want it. Like this. I’m just nervous, but I want it so badly.” He pushed back his hips, in turn rubbing his arse against my erection and causing me to moan into his shoulder. </p><p>“Remus, bloody hell..” was everything I brought out. That was all the convincing I needed, frankly. </p><p>I opened the vial, pouring some of the oil onto my hand, pleasantly surprised that it smelled like rose and lavender. I positioned myself so that I was half lying on top of Remus, peppering his shoulder with light kisses.</p><p>“This.. this might hurt a bit.” I said carefully. “You have to try and relax. And if you ever want me to pause or stop, tell me.” </p><p>Remus nodded, turning his head and looking into my eyes. A wave of arousal washed through me, seeing the expression on his face, and so I moved my slick fingers down to his arse, slowly starting to circle his entrance. </p><p>Remus sighed, his breath picking up, but his eyes were still locked with mine. Slowly I moved one finger to push in, and Remus mouth opened in surprise. I kissed his shoulder, waiting for a moment, before I started to move my finger again, itching further and further in with every slow thrust. Just as when we undressed each other, I took my time., not wanting to rush anything. </p><p>Remus relaxed, taking deep breathes, and finally one finger was completely inside of him. His cheeks were flushed again, and he shuffled a bit on the bench, as if he was seeking friction with the fabric beneath his body. </p><p>I pulled the finger out almost completely, now starting again with an added second one. Remus eyes went shut and he hissed slightly. I promptly stopped my motion, waiting for him to tell me to stop, but he only bit his lip, and moved his hips softly against my fingers. </p><p>I continued, just as before to thrust slowly, carefully, much gentler than Casper had been with me. Remus was so beautiful like this, his face so open, displaying everything he was feeling. I wanted to see more of this, wanted to see him writhe underneath me, completely unhinged. The thought of it alone made my erection even harder, and I could not hold myself back but grind against Remus hip. He moaned at the feeling, his hip pushing back onto my fingers. </p><p>“Liam..” his voice was full of emotions, and I moved my fingers a bit quicker, making Remus moan again. I did my best to stretch him, without causing him pain, finally adding a third finger. Remus was sweating, and moving his hip against my hand, as if he could not stop himself. I kissed along his heated skin, listening to his moans, high sighs, completely lost in the moment. He was so insanely hot, I could not think properly. </p><p>“Lee, I need you..” Came out of the Gryffindor’s mouth, and my breath hitched in my throat, my heart pounding in my chest like the hooves of a hippogriff. I nodded quickly, pulling back my fingers and sitting up. I poured more oil out of the vial, slicking up my hard member with shaky hands. </p><p>“Turn around..” I said breathlessly. “I want to see you.”</p><p>Remus turned onto his back, his face and chest flushed. He looked so much healthier like this, with a bit of colour on his face, and I decided that I could not get enough of seeing in this state. </p><p>I moved between Remus’ legs, which he wrapped around my waist, aligning myself with his entrance. </p><p>“Are you sure?” I asked one last time and Remus nodded. His hands moved up, around my neck, holding onto me. I exhaled nervously, as this was also my first time, and I did not quite know what to expect. </p><p>Slowly I pushed in, rolling my eyes at the overwhelming feeling. Remus was hot and tight, and it drove me insane. It took everything I had to not just push into him, to take my time and to let him adjust to every bit I moved into him. It also took everything in me to not just come then and there. </p><p>Remus moaned, his nails digging into my shoulders. He did not push me off, the legs around my body rather pulling me closer, further in. When I was all the way inside, I paused, my breath fast and heavy. I kissed Remus messily, all teeth and tongue, but neither of us seemed to care in this moment. </p><p>It felt so amazing, so incredible, and I was completely, totally overwhelmed by it. And the best thing was: this was Remus. This was my Remus, the person I was in love with, the person I cared about so, so bloody much. </p><p>“Liam..” it was not more than a whisper, a whine almost, and it was all I needed to start moving, slowly at first, causing Remus to moan loudly. </p><p>My hands ran over his sides, his nails digging into my skin, and I buried my face in the crook of his neck. I tried no not move too fast, tried to make this last as long as possible, as I already felt myself driving closer and closer to the edge, way too fast. Remus moaned against my ear and I had just enough brainpower left to move one of my hands between our bodies, resting my whole weight onto my other arm.</p><p>My fingers wrapped around Remus cock, trying to move them in tandem with my hips, and Remus hands moved up to my head, holding onto my hair. </p><p>I knew I would not be able to hold back any longer, so I quickened my pace, thrusting into Remus faster and a bit harder, making him moan even more. There was a familiar prickling sensation in my body, and I came closer and closer to the end. </p><p>“Remus.. Remus!” was all I brought out, his moans, his heat and tightness just too much. I came hard, harder than I ever had before, almost with a shout, my hips shuddering. </p><p>I buried my head in Remus neck, breathing heavily. All I wanted right now was just to collapse onto the boy underneath me, but the few braincells left in my head told me to pick up the pace with my hand again. I turned my head to find Remus mouth, kissing him hard and deep, my hand picking up pace. I was still inside him when Remus came into my hand, moaning into my mouth, and when he tightened around me, I was way too overstimulated. </p><p>I slipped out, letting myself down onto the bench next to him, my breath still not calming down, and my arm a bit numb from having to support my weight for this long. Well.. it hadn’t been that long, and I felt a bit embarrassed about that. </p><p>“Merlin..” Remus was the first one to speak, and I opened my eyes to look at him, though I had not even noticed closing them in the first place. </p><p>There was a broad smile on Remus face, although he seemed just as exhausted as I was. He turned his head to look at me, placing a lazy kiss onto my lips, before just dropping back onto the bench, trying to calm his breathing. </p><p>“I think I love you.” It was out of my mouth before I could even think about it, and for the hundredth time this night I felt my cheeks burn hot red. It was ridiculous, wasn’t it? We hadn’t even been friends for that long, let alone together. But still, this was the closest I could describe what I felt for him. Maybe it was also the sex, and the hormones of a teenager. </p><p>Remus looked at me again, surprise in his face. He opened his mouth, but I just wrapped my arm around his chest.</p><p>“You don’t need to say anything. Just.. I’m stupid.” I had to giggle. There were too many endorphins in my brain right now to work properly. </p><p>“Says one of the smartest people I know.” Remus laughed.</p><p>I kissed him again, slow and full of emotion, my hand cupping his face. We were both covered in sweat and.. other things, but I didn’t really care. I just wanted this night to never end.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>edit: also i just noticed that (almost) every time i am talking about the giant squid in the lake I write 'kraken' instead? Bear with me, in german it is called the Kraken, and for some reason that is still stuck in my head. I will try to not make the mistake again, and change it if i spot it!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. The Beginning of the End.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Sorry that this chapter took so long! I had a few problems with connecting plot points, and i am not really sure how happy i am with this. In the mean time i wrote like the entire ending, so yea..<br/>The rest of the story is also planned out more or less, and if everything goes planned there will be around 3 more chapters, maybe 4 maximum before this will be over! ((Edit: I lied. There will be more than 3 chapters. Idk how many yet, but I have had a few ideas i want to put in, so it is going to be a bit longer. I will try to keep it below 5! I think 4-5 is realistic))</p><p>After 10 years, I will finish this story, and even though a lot of the plot has massively changed when i translated and rewrote it, the ending still is the one i intended for it all those years ago! Yay!</p><p>TW: mentions of death and violence, fear of death, wizarding war themes</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Frankly, it was a bit embarrassing for a quidditch player like me, a beater non the less, to have sore muscles after a night like that. Still, embarrassing as it was, the ache in my arms and shoulders reminded me of Remus, about what we had done last night. </p><p>Remus himself walked a bit.. funny. He reassured me again and again that he was fine, but his flushed face whenever I mentioned it, gave away that he maybe was not completely fine after all.</p><p>The worst thing though, was probably the knowing look all of his friends had, when I joined them in the library on Saturday after a very tired quidditch practice. James made multiple suggestive comments, and Sirius constantly asked Remus to hand him some of his potion notes or get a book, just so the other boy had to get up from his seat with a wince. </p><p>I could not really say what I thought about it, as on one hand I was just glad that they were accepting, even though that did not stop them from teasing us, but on the other hand it was very embarrassing, that the three boys could probably guess what exactly we had done the previous night. </p><p>Remus and I had stayed in the prefect’s bathroom for another while, lazily cleaning up and going for another swim, splashing around in the still warm water and unhurriedly kissing in the showers. It had been long past midnight when we had left, sneaking into our respective common rooms, not being caught by a teacher or Filch out of sheer luck. </p><p>I had to admit, that growing up I had often imagined what my first time would be like, everything considered. Of course, I wanted it to be with someone I liked and had feelings for, but with the reality of life, I had expected it to either never happen, or to be some rushed, hidden affair. I had actually expected it to be with Casper, unromantic and in the showers, and it had almost happened that way, if I would have managed to last a bit longer. </p><p>I would never have dared to imagine it being that.. beautiful. It had been full of feeling, so magical, and just so romantic, that it almost seemed unreal looking back at it. I really, really wanted to do this again, not only to sleep with Remus again, but just be.. together with him, without holding back, without having to be afraid to be seen by anyone. </p><p>On Sunday, James pulled me aside, just as I had left the library where I had spent the morning studying with Septima and Miriam. He was completely alone, not even Lily at his side, which caused me to frown in confusion. </p><p>“Liam, can I talk to you for a moment?” he asked, gesturing towards the corridor, where only a few other students were around, most of them making their way towards the great stairs, to have lunch in the great hall. </p><p>“Sure thing.” I said, shouldering my heavy schoolbag and following James along the corridor.</p><p>“You are.. probably aware of this, but next week is the next full moon. On Thursday to be precise.” James started, when we were far enough away from other students to talk without being heard. </p><p>Of course, I was aware of this. Not long after Remus and I had finally gotten together, I had dug out all my old astronomy notes from the bottom of my trunk, and had calculated the moon phases for the next year, noting them down in my calendar. </p><p>I nodded, biting my lip.<br/>“What.. what can I do?” I asked, hoping that James would understand what I meant. How could I support Remus? How could I make the night less difficult for him, without actually being there?</p><p>“Well, I think spending time with him until he’ll meet up with Pomfrey will help. Calm his nerves. And visiting him when all is over, in the hospital wing. It is what we did before we became animagi.” James suggested and I nodded. “Considering what happened last time, I.. I’m afraid that he will be stressed out.”</p><p>I bit my lip, a sting in my heart reminding me once again of how guilty I felt for being the cause of his stress. I had gone out late at night, it had been my own fault that I had almost been killed. I tried to shake off the dark thoughts, instead asking James something I had wanted to know for almost a month now. </p><p>“Where.. where is he during the full moon?” I tried to keep my voice even. </p><p>“You know the shrieking shack?” James asked back, raising an eyebrow, and causing me to frown.</p><p>“That haunted house in Hogsmeade?” I asked just in case I had misunderstood him.</p><p>Of course, just as probably every other Hogwarts student I had gone to see the shack, and my grandparents had told me that it had been standing there abandoned for a long, long time. There always had been strange rumours about the shack in the woods, and when some trees had to be cut down, it started to attract visitors, as there seemed to be no working windows nor doors. Only a few years ago, the shrieking shack had been declared the most haunted building in all of Britain, which truly meant something considering how many intensely haunted castles there were on the isles, and it was said that it was inhabited by very violent ghosts, probably having died a very violent death, unable to ever escape. Even the Hogwarts ghosts were afraid of this place. </p><p>I stopped in my tracks, tilting my head at James.<br/>The shack had been declared the most haunted building less than seven years ago.</p><p>“There?” I could not quite believe it. </p><p>But James simply nodded.<br/>“Yes, there. There is a tunnel, underneath the Whomping Willow, leading to it. The willow prevents anyone getting in, and also anyone getting out.”</p><p>The willow had only been planted during the summer before I started school. Dumbledore had called it a rare tree, that could and would kill anyone who dared getting too close. It all started to come together. </p><p>“Oh, my poor Remus..” the words left my mouth before I could think about it, and my eyes quickly shot over to James. He didn’t seem to mind, and just had a very faint, soft smile on his lips. I averted my eyes again, chewing my lower lip, before remembering something.</p><p>I reached into my bag and pulled out a book, which I had just discovered in the library this morning, while I had been waiting for Septima and Miriam to arrive. <br/>“I.. I started reading this.” I cleared my throat, studying James’ face who took the book from me, reading the cover.</p><p>“Hairy Snout, Human Heart.” His soft smile turned into a real one. “Oh yes, we’ve all read that one.” He handed it back to me, and I returned it to my schoolbag, stuffing it in there next to a few alchemy books. </p><p>“Is it.. you know.. realistic?” I asked a bit nervously. I still was not quite sure how to talk about that whole topic, and I was very afraid of accidentally saying something offensive. </p><p>“Oh, yes. Very.” James nodded. “I think it is the only book about werewolves that I have read this far, that gets things right. But it also, supposedly, has been written by a werewolf, so that is the closest to realistic you can get. I think.. I think it could help you, you know? Deal with the fear.” The Gryffindor swallowed, vaguely gesturing. </p><p>“That is kind of what I was hoping. Maybe if I understand the condition better, I won’t be so afraid of it.” I theorised. </p><p>James looked at me with pity in his eyes, putting a hand onto my shoulder. <br/>“Mate, understanding the condition will probably make you even more afraid. Understanding the human behind it, that is what will help you. Maybe the only thing that will help you.” He tried to smile reassuringly, before he turned around and left.</p><p>Not very reassured I stayed behind, looking after him, before taking off into the other direction.</p><p>The following week went by far too quickly for my taste, and before I could even fully realise it, it was already Thursday. For the first time in my life I skipped ancient runes club, and met up with Remus, leading him down to my favourite spot at the lake by the fallen tree, where we took a seat. It was not really warm yet, and even though it had been dry and sunny all week, which was quite unusual for Scotland, there was still a cool breeze causing us to wrap ourselves in our scarfs and cloaks. </p><p>Remus looked tense, anticipating the full moon with obvious dread. He didn’t really want to talk about it though, just telling me not to worry about it when I asked. I had brought chocolate frogs and some tee in a thermos, in hopes of cheering him up a bit. Still, I felt almost as nervous as him, worried about how his mood would affect the transformation.</p><p>“I hope this is not an insensitive question..” I started after we had sat on the fallen tree at the shore in relative silence, watching a few ducks making their way through the water of the lake. “But.. would the full moon affect you if there was.. no night? No visible moon?”</p><p>Remus looked at me, brows furrowed in confusion.<br/>“What do you mean?” he asked, taking a sip from the small cup I had given him, warming his fingers on the heated surface. </p><p>I swallowed, noticing how I got a bit nervous, and cleared my throat. <br/>“Well, my sister has this pen pal since she was like.. nine or something, who lives in Tromsø, in northern Norway. It is above the arctic circle, and she said that in the summer the sun does not set from like May to August. And as the sun never sets, and the full moon is always opposite of the sun..” I trailed off.</p><p>Remus raised an eyebrow, a grin appearing on his pale lips.<br/>“You really dug out those old astronomy notes, eh?” he chuckled. </p><p>“Well. Yes..” I exhaled, trying to not feel embarrassed about it, although I wasn’t even sure why I felt that way. “But in theory, though. When there is no night, no moon.. would you turn?” </p><p>Remus blinked a few times, looking back at the lake in thought. He swayed his head from one side to the other, grimacing a bit. I could see something inside of him fighting. Probably the side that didn’t want to get false hopes, and the other, logical and scientific side, who considered that the theory made sense.<br/>“I honestly don’t know.” He finally said. </p><p>“I have probably looked through all werewolf books in the library, but not found anything.” I admitted. “Although I have only looked at the werewolf books in the ‘magical creatures’ isle. Maybe there are more somewhere else. I will try and see if I find anything on it.” I tried to grin, but Remus just shook his head. </p><p>“You should study for your N.E.W.T.s, not waste your time wild goose chasing. That is more important.” He protested, but now it was my time to shake my head.</p><p>“I study all the bloody time, in case you didn’t notice. And this is also important. You are important.”</p><p>Remus smiled at my words, even more so after I pressed a short, chaste kiss onto his cold lips. Then he frowned again, tilting his head.</p><p>“Why?” he asked. “Like.. why did you think about that?” </p><p>I bit my lower lip, unsure if I really wanted to spoil it or not. This was something that had popped up in my head for the past month, especially since reading so much about the connection of the werewolf curse to the moon. Finally, I decided to just be honest with him.</p><p>“I.. I thought about taking you to Norway in the summer, after we graduate. Stay there for the rest of the summer, maybe rent a little cottage.. go sightseeing and hiking and.. I don’t know, whale watching? It would give you just.. some time off. Some time without a moon, without a transformation to worry about.” </p><p>Remus smiled again, although this time it was kind of a sad smile. He put down his tea, and wrapped his arms around me, holding me as if his life depended on it. I sighed, pressing a kiss again his ear and hugging back, soaking in the feeling of his body against mine.</p><p>“Thank you..” he murmured, still holding onto me, and not letting go for a long time. </p><p>I brought Remus back to the castle an hour before sunset, and after a very long, very intensive snogging session down by the lake, that left me with embarrassingly red cheeks and tight trousers. I hugged him one last time, before he went into the hospital wing, where madam Pomfrey was waiting for him, to bring him down to the willow. </p><p>Worry filled my heart, and I didn’t even want to think about what would happen shortly, how he would transform, be in immense pain, and lose all his rational thought. James had assured me that they would look after him and would make sure that his transformation and night would go smoothly, but I was still very worried. Remus had been quite agitated again when we had returned to the castle, and almost everything I had read about werewolves stated, that the mood of the inflicted could also affect the wolf, who could go berserk. Or rather, more berserk than usually. </p><p>I shook my head, having to get rid of these thoughts as they were not helpful, neither for me, nor for Remus and decided to just trust James and the others to care for him. With a sigh I stepped away from the hospital wing, making my way towards the library, as I wanted to use the few hours which were still left before curfew to maybe try and find some information about werewolves living above the arctic circle. </p><p>As I had told Remus, I had skimmed through every book even remotely mentioning werewolves in the section about magical creatures. While I was looking through the isles, it dawned to me, a phrase I had had in my mind. Werewolf curse. Of course!</p><p>Lycanthropy was a curse! And where could one find books about more dangerous curses? At the back of the library, in the section about advanced defensive magic, where I had gathered most DADA books for my N.E.W.T.s. Books too dangerous to just be with the light defensive books for the lower years, but not yet dangerous enough, so they would have to be put into the restricted section. </p><p>I really hoped I would find something there, as I doubted a teacher would allow me to look for werewolves among the restricted books. I already had a slip to study some tomes about ancient magic back there, but I didn’t believe I could get another one. </p><p>“U… V.. there W.” I put my schoolbag onto the table standing between the shelves, my eyes scanning over the row of books in front of me. “Werewolf.” </p><p>Truly, there were quite a few books here, old thick volumes, that looked like they hadn’t been touched in years. All books in this isle looked rather sinister, the titles cryptic and often just.. odd, and I really hoped that I could get at least some clues on what I was looking for.</p><p>“Werewolf: the Occult Truth… The Beast within: A History of the Werewolf Curse.. The Book of Werewolves: Being an Account of a terrible Superstition..” I murmured to myself, as I pulled one book after the other from the shelve, whenever I spotted a promising title. </p><p>It was still a bit surprising how many books about werewolves were actually here, among books about horrific curses and how to lift them. Although, I probably shouldn’t have been surprised, as just as I had thought, lycanthropy was after all just that, a curse. And a horrible one at that. </p><p>It was really weird, all things considered, how it was handled in the magical society. Even I, who had grown up in a non-pureblood household and with muggles around, had some major biases and prejudices against werewolves, which had seemed completely justified to me. The afflicted were treated as if it was their fault that they were what they were, rather than that they suffered from something that had been brought upon them.<br/>No one blamed someone who did heinous stuff under the influence of the imperius curse, so why was it so different when it came to werewolves? </p><p>I stopped at the shelf, when a thick, old looking book with silver writing caught my attention.<br/>“Vargr og Varulv: Curse of the Moon.” I read, a faint smile appearing on my face. I had taken ancient runes and ancient studies for enough years that I knew that ‘vargr’ was a word used in old Norse, to refer to particular wolves in Norse myth, and that ‘ulfr’ was one of the words for wolf, which was similar to the word ‘ulv’. The old Swedish word ‘var’ meant man. So ‘Varulv’ was werewolf. </p><p>I supressed the thought that I was a massive nerd and probably would have done very well in Ravenclaw after all, pulling out the book, as the title alone sounded very, very promising. </p><p>I sat down at the table, putting down all the thick volumes around me, but at first opening the dark blue one, with the silver lettering. I opened it up, coughing as dust rose up from the old pages, making me realise that no one had even touched this book for probably a few decades.</p><p>Skimming through the pages, having taken ancient runes and ancient studies came in handy again, as the old book was written in a mixture of Norse runes and English, probably by a person of Scandinavian descent, as the English in some parts was rather odd, even for a text probably written around 1600. It was also written by hand, in elegant, cursive letters, and there were small notes here and there, and some pages reminded me more of a notebook than a textbook. </p><p>I pulled out parchment and my quill, starting to take notes when I found interesting passages, and writing out some runic scripts if I was not sure what they meant. </p><p>I could not find a trace of the name of the author anywhere on the cover or inside the book. Apparently, they had tried to find the source of the curse, tried to find out who, where and why the very first person had been infected with lycanthropy. There were sketches from iron age cave paintings, myths from all over Europe, narrowing it down more and more to the dark forests of Skandinavia to around 500-400 BC, although it seemed to have spread quickly to what was now Germany, where it took hold much more severely. The author had travelled through all of Europe, talking to people and writing down everything and anything they came across. </p><p>What interested me more though, was what I found in the later chapters of the book, where the author gave a few more details about the condition itself, and about the cycle of transformation. At that point it dawned to me, that maybe the reason the author was so obsessed with finding the source of the curse, to maybe find a cure, was the fact that they themselves were probably a werewolf. Everything about the transformation itself definitely read like a first-hand experience and reminded me of what I had already read in ‘Hairy Snout, Human Heart’.</p><p>‘The year of the moon’ was the next chapter, and I leaned forward a bit more, casting ‘lumos’ with my wand to be able to read the slightly faded words better. It had gotten very dark outside, and a sting in my heart reminded me that Remus was now a murderous beast, who would kill me without hesitating. I blinked a few times and focused once more on the writing in front of me. </p><p>“Home, in the wint'r months the wolf ling'rs, the night nev'r ending and the madness nev'r fading.  The summ'r, t is the only peace to beest known, f'r then the wolf sleeps, not awoken until the longeth night cometh once m're.” I silently read, trying to disentangle the elegant, cursive writing.</p><p>A broad grin appeared on my face, as this small passage, this was exactly what I had been looking for. I quickly copied the words into my notes, rereading it a few times, just to be sure I understood it correctly. So, a werewolf would not turn when there was no night. For the people living up beyond the arctic circle, the affliction came with winter, with all the other horrors of the long night, the darkness and the cold. </p><p>“Mr. Alistair!” a voice pulled me out of my thoughts, surprisingly loud for the library. I looked up, spotting madam Pince at the end of the row of shelves I was sitting at, hands on her hips and her brows furrowed. “It is almost curfew!” she shook her head. My eyes grew bigger. Had I really been reading that long.</p><p>“Merlin! My apologies!” I brought out, getting up and quickly stuffing my notes into my bag. I grabbed the books I had been reading, carrying them over to the shelf I had pulled them out, returning them to their place under her watchful eyes. I kind of hoped that she could not see what I had been reading, as I was not sure if it was a good look, reading ancient books on werewolves on the night of a full moon. </p><p>“I do appreciate a studious student, Mr. Alistair, but you simply have to stop relying on me to tell you to go to bed.” Her voice was firm. </p><p>“I’m really sorry, madam Pince. I will try and check the time!” I looked at her a bit sheepishly, before making my way through the empty library and out into the corridor.</p><p>It had not been the first time, madam Pince had to remind me that I should go to my common room, and we both knew, it would maybe also not be the last time. Especially in my fifth year, shortly before my O.W.L. exams, I had spent all my free time in the library, scared shitless by the fear of failure, and Pince had actually sent me to Slughorn, so he could scold me. </p><p>I never got into any real trouble of course.<br/>‘Don’t be a good student! Study less!’ was not really something any teacher liked to say. And giving me detention for silently sitting in the library reading schoolbooks was probably also not a good look. </p><p>I made my way to the great stairs, for a moment stopping at one of the tall windows, overlooking the grounds. The grass was illuminated by the full moon, which tinted everything silver, casting long shadows onto the ground. My eyes wandered a bit, searching, but I didn’t see the wolf, or his animal friends. Maybe that was a good thing. </p><p>In the dorm I stayed up quite late, continuing to read ‘Hairy Snout, Human Heart’, as every time I tried to go to bed a wave of worry and anxiety overcame me. When I awoke the next morning, the book was lying on my face, my neck hurt from not lying down properly, and I knew that I probably only had gotten a few short hours of sleep. </p><p>The only positive thing was, which I noted while I was brushing my teeth, that the bottle of dreamless potion that I kept on my nightstand was untouched, as I had forgotten to take it last night. <br/>I had not dreamt of the wolf, I had not woken up in cold sweat, afraid of being eaten by a monster. As long time use of the potion was definitely not recommended, I really hoped that I would manage to get by from now on, without having to keep myself from dreaming. </p><p>Of course, Remus was not in arithmancy that morning, and I did not see him at breakfast or at lunch. The rest of the marauders had also skipped breakfast, but at noon I spotted the lot of them sitting at the Gryffindor table, dark rings underneath their eyes, and silently tucking into their food. Lily and James were silently talking, the ginger girl bearing a worried expression on her face. I also noticed that Peter’s girlfriend Anne was not sitting with them anymore, and I guessed that the two had broken up. </p><p>When I saw the three boys get up, I excused myself from the conversation with Edgar, to which I had not really listened to anyways, and followed them outside. </p><p>“James?” I said, when I reached them, close to the great stairs, causing the group to turn around. I was not quite sure why I always addressed James, rather than the others, but for some reason I trusted him more than I ever thought I would. “How.. was it?” </p><p>Sirius pursed his lips, looking to James, then to Peter. I did not like the expression on his face at all. James sighed, jerking his head to signal me to follow them, and together with the Gryffindors we climbed up the stairs, walking towards the hospital wing. </p><p>“He was.. very..” James started, trying to find the right words. </p><p>“Stressed.” Peter threw in, and the other two simply nodded. </p><p>“It was really, really difficult to get him to calm down. He and Padfoot were at it for almost an hour before we were able to control him.” Potter continued, shaking his head. “But we stayed in the shack, and eventually he was normal again.. whatever normal is for a werewolf anyways.”</p><p>A sting was in my heart, hearing those words. I was angry with myself, as I knew I was the cause of this. It was me who had been on the grounds, and almost driven Remus to bite or kill me, when he had no control over his actions. My heart was pounding in my ears, and I tried my best not to imagine what a werewolf fighting a grim-like dog looked like. </p><p>“Don’t beat yourself up about it, mate. It wasn’t your fault. We were the ones who dragged a werewolf onto the grounds last month.” James boxed my arm lightly. “Your only fault was breaking the curfew.” He tried to sound chippy, but I still felt like shit.</p><p>I didn’t know what to answer, so I just kept quiet, and followed the other boys to the hospital wing, where Remus was once again lying in the bed at the end of the long room, close to the window. Madam Pomfrey looked up when we came in, nodding shortly when she recognised Remus’ friends. I was curious if she knew that they knew, or if she just told them that Remus had some reoccurring ailment. </p><p>“Morning, Moony!” Sirius grinned, sitting down onto the bed next to the other boy, who looked as if he had just recently woken up. There was a new scratch on his neck, which seemed to be almost healed up thanks to the nurse, and he looked extraordinarily tired. </p><p>A weak smile was on his lips when he spotted the four of us, eyes lingering on mine for a moment longer, before he faced Peter, who handed him a large bar of chocolate, which I knew he would probably eat in one sitting. </p><p>“You good?” asked the smaller boy, sitting down on the other side of the bed, resting his head on his hand. </p><p>“Been better. Definitely been worse.” Remus sat up a bit, shrugging. He winced a bit, but otherwise did not show too many injuries. </p><p>“We have something grand planned for the weekend, to cheer you up! Although that is not for Slytherin ears to hear.” Sirius grinned, throwing me a short glance. “We’ll tell you later, in the dorms.” </p><p>I frowned, crossing my arms in front of my chest, leaning against the windowsill next to the bed. <br/>“If that plan of yours has something to do with getting back at us for winning quidditch fair and square, I’ll be proper mad.”</p><p>“You promised me not to prank Lee anymore!” Remus shook his head, causing a small grin to steal its way onto my face. For some reason, every time Remus called me ‘Lee’, butterflies held a party in my stomach. </p><p>“We promised not to prank him individually! We never said anything about him being.. collateral damage when we prank his whole house.” James winked, pulling a chair over to sit down on it. </p><p>“And it would be very suspicious, if the only snake that we four talk to is left out of the fun.” Peter giggled, and I had to roll my eyes. </p><p>“If it keeps Remus out of detention, I will freely take whatever damage you see fit to put upon me.” I made a gesture with my arms, as if I was offering myself as a tribute. </p><p>Remus laughed, and even though he was still looking very exhausted, a bit of worry was lifted from my heart. </p><p>After the lunch break was over, the three Gryffindors left for class, and I stayed behind, as I had a free afternoon on Fridays. I took the seat on the bed, where previously Sirius had sat, making sure we were hidden enough from view, before taking Remus hand into my own. </p><p>“You look.. oddly happy.” Remus said, tilting his head and mustering my face. I smiled weakly, biting my lower lip, before I shrugged and nodded. </p><p>“First of all.. I am so, so glad that you are ok. I was very worried.” I admitted, my thumb slowly drawing circles onto the back of Remus hand. “Also, while you were rolling around with Sirius last night, I was busy in the library!” I started, causing Remus to chuckle.</p><p>I opened my bookbag, rummaging around a bit, finally finding the piece of parchment from last night.<br/>“There is a book I really want to show you, but the most important thing is this.” I handed the note to Remus, who read it with a curious expression. Then, his whole face started to light up.</p><p>“So, it is true?” he looked at me, a broad grin on his face that reached his eyes. “No transformation?”</p><p>“Seems so.” I squeezed his hand. “Of course, I have to calculate the exact times and full moon dates, but I think if we go to.. say Hammerfest or something, so really far up north, we could have no night, or at last no full moon until mid August. And even then, I think the first moon would only be a few minutes long.” </p><p>There was an expression on Remus face, which I had not seen before, at least not directed at me. It was similar to the expression he often sent towards his friends, conveying fondness and happiness at the same time. My heart jumped a little. </p><p>“I’m so lucky.” Remus said, shaking his head lightly. I grinned, now realising what this expression was. Dreamy.</p><p>“The universe just realised how badly it has treated you, and now it presents you with great friends, and an idiot who is head over heels in love with you.” I tried to sound matter-of-factly, but probably failed. </p><p>Remus got released from the hospital wing later in the evening, and together we made our way to the great hall for dinner. We had spent the rest of the afternoon going through what he had missed in arithmancy, and I had given him the extra set of notes I had made for him, like I had started to do when I noticed him falling ‘sick’ so often. </p><p>When we entered the great hall together, I had to really, really control myself not to hug him when we went to our respective house tables, only sending him a smile that I hoped he understood. </p><p>Spotting the quidditch team at the front of the long tables, I made my way over, only throwing an irritated glance at Snape who was once again watching me with far too much attention. </p><p>“Hello, my dear!” I said extra loudly as I sat down, pressing a kiss onto Septima’s cheek, who tried her best not to pull a face. </p><p>“Hello, my darling.” She shot back but started to laugh halfway through. </p><p>“Well, you are not very convincing.” I murmured, as I put some food onto my plate, shaking my head at her, although there was a grin on my face. </p><p>“It is just so stupid.” She laughed, trying to keep her voice low. </p><p>“Well, I have heard we make a splendid couple. We are both intimidatingly tall, and intimidatingly good beaters.” I grinned. Septima had to laugh. </p><p>“Like, no offence but I could never.. like never even imagine.. with you..” she shuddered and I rolled my eyes.</p><p>“No offence but.. same.” I admitted. “I tried to imagine it, back when Heather was constantly flirting with me but.. no.. just no.” I sighed. “Makes me a bit jealous of Remus sometimes.” </p><p>Septima huffed. <br/>“Oh Merlin, no. Just imagine having twice the amount of people to fancy, sounds exhausting!”</p><p>For everyone else around us, our conversation probably, or rather hopefully looked as if we were whispering little sweet nothings and secrets into each other’s ears, and I was glad that our incredible chemistry as beaters was convincing enough for others to believe that we were a thing. </p><p>Saturday was the first really warm day of the year, and most students ditched their robes when they went out onto the grounds, soaking in the rare Scottish spring sun. Quidditch practice lifted my spirits immensely, and the stress of the past days slowly seemed to fade away. </p><p>Even though we had just won against Gryffindor, I was already looking forward to our last game against Hufflepuff in May, which was shortly before the N.E.W.T. exams would start. We practiced a bit longer than usual, wanting to use the good spot of weather, and Septima and I tried out a new manoeuvre we had come up with, under Edgar’s watchful eyes.</p><p>After lunch I met Remus, to sit at the lake at my favourite spot, to test each other’s muggle studies knowledge, sneaking kisses and making jokes. </p><p>It could’ve been such a great, amazing weekend, a weekend where all I had to worry about was exams and the looming prank on the Slytherins. Where I could just simply focus on normal things a teenager had to think about, like school, my first relationship, quidditch and friends.</p><p>But Sunday just had to come around. And with Sunday morning, the post came. </p><p>In hindsight, I should’ve been alarmed as soon as I noticed that Dumbledore was not at breakfast this morning. </p><p>There was of course the usual, noisy chatter of hundreds of children and teenagers, the sounds of cutlery on plates, finally disrupted by an army of post owls swooping across the great hall, dropping letters, packages and newspapers into the open arms, and sometimes onto the heads, of the students below. There was a shuffling and commotion for a moment and then: dreadful silence. </p><p>I put down the half-opened letter from my sister, stopping to chew the piece of toast and marmalade that was in my mouth, and looked up and around myself, at the pale faces of many students, who had opened their newspapers and letters. I had never bothered to subscribe to the daily prophet, usually just reading Regulus’ edition when he was done with it, as a knut a day was simply not in the budget for me. </p><p>Heather, who was sitting two seats to the right of me, after we had slowly started to become friends after talking for the first time at the celebration after we won against Gryffindor, held today’s newspaper in her hands, a Sunday express edition. I quickly got up and walked over to her, looking over her shoulder. </p><p>‘Midnight Massacre’ the headline read, and my hands suddenly felt numb. </p><p>Heather looked up at me, her lower lip quivering, her big, pretty eyes glassy and wide in shock. I put an arm around her shoulders before we both turned back to the print in her hands. </p><p>‘In the night of Saturday to Sunday a range of horrific attacks have taken place all over Britain and Ireland, directed at both the Wizarding, as well as the Muggle community. Fifteen Wizarding households and twenty Muggle homes with wizarding family have been viciously attacked by the so-called Death Eaters. Aurors arriving at the scene found no survivors, and identified the ‘Dark Mark’ above every attacked location. Among the Wizarding families murdered were high ranking Ministry officials, including Douglas McAndrew, vice-head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement and his wife Philippa. </p><p>‘Speakers of the Ministry also revealed that contemporaneous to the attacks on Muggle and Wizarding homes, multiple followers of the dark wizard who calls himself Lord Voldemort have tried to breach the Ministry’s defences in London, destroying multiple Muggle ‘cars’ (a form of transportation) and damaging Muggle houses and shops in the vicinity of the Ministry’s public entrance in Whitelhall. </p><p>‘”This is the most severe attack so far” Bartemius Crouch, head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement said this morning, while assessing the damage done in Whitehall last night. “Over the last year the frequency of these heinous attacks has increased dramatically. We advise every witch and every wizard to keep themselves informed on protective magic, and ward their homes and their families.”</p><p>‘With the Aurors stretched thin, in an effort to fight the growing threat, the Ministry of Magic will send out government leaflets containing information on how to protect oneself against various forms of dark magic in the coming week, and how to cast protection charms. A press-conference by the Minister of Magic Harold Michum, regarding the recent attacks, will be held on Monday morning.’</p><p>Heather buried her head in the crook of my neck, and everything I could do was sit down next to her, and hold her, as she started to cry, her whole body starting to shake. She put the newspaper down, and I wrapped my other arm around her as well, looking around myself to see many students in the great hall having the same reaction as her. Others looked frightened like me, staring into nothingness as if they could not quite comprehend what had happened. </p><p>Over at the Ravenclaw table a girl broke down, shouting and screaming, a letter clutched in her hand. On the other end of the Slytherin table, a first year buried his head in his arms, his hands pulling his hair as violent sobs shook his whole body. At the Gryffindor and Hufflepuff table similar things happened, and there was a sting in my heart, guessing what kind of news they had just gotten in their mail.</p><p>My eyes went back towards my own letter, from my sister, and fear rushed through me. What if..<br/>No, no it couldn’t! My father was not in any high position in the ministry, he was just a clerk, working a lousily paid administrative desk job. He would never be a target, would he…? Even if he was muggle born.</p><p>I swallowed, and my eyes met Edgar’s, who had sat next to me before I had gone over to Heather. As if he had read my thoughts, he picked up the half-opened letter from my sister, handing it over to me. I nodded, not sure if it was a thank-you or not, opening the letter without letting go of the sobbing girl in my arms. </p><p>‘Dear Liam,</p><p>I suppose the news has reached all of Hogwarts with the morning post. I’ll keep it short, as I don’t have much time to write. I’ve been up all night, out with the department to obliviate a few hundred muggles who have seen something. It is dreadful, seeing all the ruins and the death. But someone has to do the cleaning up. </p><p>Mum and dad are safe, they warded the house, and gran is with them, just in case. Dad is able to stay at home a few days, at least until the ministry made sure there was no breach and recast any wards that might have been weakened. </p><p>Mr. and Mrs. Woodworth were killed, Sarah’s parents, if you remember them. </p><p>Stay safe!<br/>Love,<br/>Artemis’</p><p>I exhaled slowly, not having noticed that I had been holding my breath. I rubbed a hand over my face, dropping the letter onto the table. <br/>Of course, I remembered the Woodworths. Sarah was Artemis’ best friend and had often visited us over the summer holidays. Her parents had often stayed for tea or dinner, and our parents had also befriended them. Both of them had been muggle born. </p><p>I felt guilty to still feel relieved, relieved that my parents were safe, at least for now. <br/>I looked around again, where the teachers had gotten up from their seats, trying to care for the most distressed students, who had probably lost family or friends. </p><p>Some simply looked scared, breathing rapidly as if they were just about to have a panic attack. Heather was still sobbing into my shoulder. I knew she had talked about her aunt working at the ministry, but on the other hand she had a lot of muggle hobbies, that would suggest that she was probably a half-blood, making her family a target of the pureblood obsessed dark wizards. </p><p>There were only a few students, who seemed.. mostly unaffected by the news.<br/>There, in the centre of the Slytherin table were Malfoy, Lestrange and Snape, sitting together with Regulus, his cousin Bellatrix, Narcissa and no one else than Barty Crouch Junior, among a few others. Regulus was the only one showing emotion, as colour had completely drained out of his face, and it was obvious, at least for me, that he tried his best to hide any emotions on his face. </p><p>Malfoy on the other hand looked almost smug, opening the newspaper, and completely ignoring the headline on the frontpage. <br/>“Oh, look Narcissa, Universal Brooms is going out of business.” He exclaimed, seemingly oblivious of what was going on around him.</p><p>“What a shame.” Narcissa answered, and once again, I felt horribly betrayed. </p><p>In just one day, the mood in the whole castle had changed dramatically. Of course, the war had been on for years now, and it had gotten worse and worse, especially since last spring, but until now there had never been such high-profile attacks, and so many wizarding families killed at the same time. </p><p>The wizarding community of Britain and Ireland was small and tight knit. Everyone kind of knew everybody, and especially the old, pureblood families were all related to each other. With fifteen families dead, a great part of the castle lost relatives, or people they knew. </p><p>The press-conference on Monday was.. as expected. The evening prophet wrote about it in detail, and they basically advised against unnecessary travelling, advised to ward homes and houses and to report anything suspicious to the ministry. There had also been raids on the homes of death eater sympathisers, and on various shops in Knockturnalley, although we all kind of knew that nothing would come from this. </p><p>“Everyone bloody knows that most of the high-profile death eaters are from the sacred twenty-eight!” Sirius threw a stone into the lake, when the marauders, Lily and I sat down at the shore on Monday evening. James was flicking through the evening prophet, even though he had already read it front to back. “But they know they are too powerful to be taken down! So instead, they raid the house of stupid, no-brain followers, who don’t know anything about their plans, and just go around and repeat racist propaganda!” </p><p>I had rarely seen Sirius this angry. He looked almost defeated.<br/>His family was one such case, and I had seen it myself on Regulus arm. Yet, they were an ancient pureblood family, their ancestors having been headmasters of Hogwarts, and they knew that they had nothing to fear, no matter what they did. </p><p>“I worry about Regulus.” I said in a weak voice, legs pulled to my chest and my arms wrapped around them. “Who knows what they force him to do.” </p><p>“I’d rather die than do what they tell me.” Sirius flung another stone into the water, not even trying to make it jump on the surface. </p><p>“Regulus is not like you.” I reminded him with a sigh. “He is a scared boy, who has been conditioned to do whatever his parents tell him to do. You of all people should know that.” </p><p>Sirius dropped the last stone onto the ground, running a hand through his long hair before he turned to where the rest of us were sitting. He studied my face intensely, and for a moment I had the feeling he would throw something very mean back at me, but he simply shook his head, as if he had decided that it was not worth it. </p><p>“Now we didn’t even get to prank the Slytherins.” Peter tried to lift the mood, but his words fell on deaf ears. </p><p>Remus put his hand onto mine, looking rather hopeless himself. I turned my hand to interlace our fingers for a moment, squeezing his hand, before I got up. </p><p>“I’m.. I’m going to go study. I need distraction.” I said, before making my way up to the castle, not even waiting on an answer from any of them. I needed to be alone right now, to get a grip of my feelings. </p><p>The following week I avoided the marauders as best as I could, just as I kind of avoided everyone else, even the quidditch team and my study partners. I focused my mind on the most difficult parts of my N.E.W.T. revisions, not really in the mood to talk to anyone, not even Remus. </p><p>It was now the end of march, and as so often I was sitting in the library. I was alone, idly tapping the end of my quill against my lips, bent over a thick volume about ancient Chinese magic, which was so complicated that I had taken a seat far away from any people who potentially could break my focus. It was a perfect distraction from everything going on right now, and I did not have to think about fear and loss, when I had to wrap my head around wandless, non-verbal magic, using intricate Hexagrams and Hanzi to cast powerful spells that lasted for decades, if not longer. I did not really understand half of these concepts yet. </p><p>I had been rereading a passage about weather manipulating spells for the third time in a row, when someone sat down next to me. Annoyed I looked up, prepared to send anyone away again who dared to approach me, when I was faced with James, an expression on his face so stern, that I did not dare to tell him to bugger off. He looked very grown up right now, and I had never seen him like this before. </p><p>I lowered my quill, frowning as well.<br/>“What’s wrong?” I immediately asked, in my mind already imagine headlines of even more people being killed. </p><p>James licked over his lips, looking around himself to make sure we were alone in this part of the library. Then he turned back towards me. </p><p>“Months ago, you told us about the death eaters at school. When the news of the attacks came in, you were horrified and scared. Recently.. you said that to keep Moony safe, you would take ‘any damage we see fit’.” he started, and I nodded slowly, confused where this was going.</p><p>“Is something wrong with Remus?” I had not spent much time with him this week, and worry filled my head. </p><p>James shook his head, looking around himself once more.<br/>“Remus is fine, this is.. not about him.” He started. “Sirius, Remus, Peter and I talked and we.. we all don’t want to just sit by idly, while we are taken over by a powerful dark wizard, while the ministry is obviously out of its depth.” </p><p>I frowned a bit but nodded. They were Gryffindors after all, I would not have expected any differently from them.</p><p>“We want to fight. We want to join either the Aurors or a resistance, or whatever. They are recruiting not only students, but also dark creatures like giants and hags, and werewolves. I’m afraid that they are going to try and pressure Moony, if they ever find out what he is.” James chewed his lower lip. The thought of them trying to make Remus join them turned my stomach upside down. I felt sick. I could not bare losing another person to this. </p><p>I rubbed a hand over my face and sighed.<br/>“James, if you.. if you are asking me if I want to fight, I.. I’m not going to lie. I’m a fecking coward, who runs away from his problems. I am not incredibly talented in duelling of fighting, not like you and Sirius. But..” I swallowed, unable to hold James’ gaze any longer, who had looked concerned, and now a bit worried. “I will fight these people if I have to. I will fight them with everything I’ve got. Even more so if I can keep Remus safe.” </p><p>James had a soft smile on his lips.<br/>“I had hoped you would say this.”</p><p>“I.. I’m not saying that I’m going to seek the fight. I mean.. who knows what happens until summer, but.. as it stands..” I groaned. “Still..” I looked down at my book, nervousness shooting thorough me all of a sudden. “I’m.. bloody hell.” I rubbed my face once more, as even the thought alone was just too horrible. </p><p>“What?” James looked confused, worry once again on his face. </p><p>“I’m a Slytherin, and I would be a great asset if Voldemort is looking for..” I gestured at the book in front of me. “Old, powerful magic.” I exhaled. “I.. I kind of expect them to approach me, even if I’m not pureblood. And I don’t know.. feck.” </p><p>I rubbed my eyes as they started to burn. This was something I had never dared to say out loud, had always pushed back when it came into my mind. The last time I had thought about it was shorty before I had to run from a werewolf, and I had just shut all of these memories together with these thoughts into a dark cellar in the back of my head. </p><p>James’ hand was on my shoulder, squeezing reassuringly. He didn’t say anything, and contrary to what I had expected, did not looked alarmed. He waited patiently for me to speak up again, and I had to swallow hard. </p><p>“I would never, ever join them. But.. they are not known for taking rejection lightly.” I finally said, the implication heavily in the air. I looked at James with red eyes, although I (barely) managed not to cry. </p><p>It was kind of embarrassing. There I was, almost crying because I was scared to be killed, while James, Sirius, Remus and even Peter were ready to fight for what they believed in, knowing that they would likely be killed in the process, just as so many others had before them. Headfirst into the fight, in typical marauder fashion.</p><p>“Don’t tell Remus.” I added, my voice weak, looking down at my book again, unable to hold eye contact. </p><p>James sighed, his hand still on my shoulder.<br/>“Don’t worry, mate. You know your secrets are always safe with me.” He gave me a half smile.</p><p>I pursed my lips, but smiled too, nodding. I would have to lie if I would say that James had not grown to me over the past year. He was fun, kind, and always had an open ear. He was a prankster who loved joking around, but in contrast to his best friend Sirius, he knew when the fun stopped, and he had to take things seriously. That was maybe why he always seemed to be the ‘leader’ of their group, as he knew how to take control, to take the reins when shite got serious. </p><p>“I.. I just wanted to know what your stance on all of this was..” James dropped his hand from my shoulder, and I found myself missing the support. “I’ll.. I’ll let you read.” </p><p>With that the headboy got up, leaving me sitting all by myself, with so much stuff on my mind that I knew that it would be impossible to focus on Chinese magic again.</p>
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